Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - New and confused

Hi. Heres my story. May be a long read.
Im 48 my wife 46. UK. Together 13 years and will have been married 10yrs this coming October 6th. We have known each other since kids as our parents were friends. I have 4 step children with my wife and 2 adult daughters myself.

For last 5 years we ran our own business. I worked hard, 7 days a week, 15 hr days to provide a good life for her and her children. Working that hard isn't healthy, but i felt trapped financially as a family of 6, rent on 4 bed house and all bills etc hasn't been cheap. The fathers of her kids have never provided a single penny for them, don't even see them so it all fell on me, and I stepped up as best I could. I gave the business up In March as I know it was becoming to much.

In April my wife started a new job. She enjoys the job, new friends, most are single or divorced etc but its a hard job, 12 hour days on her feet.

She has also said over the last 12 months a few times, that although she's mid 40's she still feels so young and not ready to be old.

On July the 12th, 2 days after her daughters 16th birthday, her youngest child, she totally blindsided me with BD. She went out the night before to our local pub to meet up with a former customer of ours (who my wife didn't really like dealing with) because she was also starting work where my wife worked so wanted to know about the job. The next morning we were sitting in the garden talking about her evening, and i just said to my wife, do you love me babe (we both often done this, was just our way, not because of insecurities or anything) and she just looked at me and said its not the same anymore! My world fell apart that moment. She said she felt neglected for the 5 years I ran our business and even though I'd given it up in March it was to late, the damage had been done. She said she wants to find her old self again and learn to love herself. I went out for the day to be on my own and get head around what was happening. When i returned home all my stuff had been packed up and she told me to leave. I couldn't has had nowhere to go. She called police on me because I wouldn't leave. They turned up but because I had done nothing wrong they couldn't make me leave. When police left she got straight on phone to someone and was proper bad mouthing me, saying nasty stuff about me all so I could hear. I just went to bed. The following day I disappeared for the day, to make things easy for her and try arrange somewhere to live. I came home in the evening and she didn't come home until gone 02:00 that night. I went downstairs when she came home and told her I'll move out in 3 days time. The reason I moved out was because she has her 4 kids D16, S18, S20 and S21 and I would not have been able to afford rent on a 4 bed house on my own.

The day I moved out she got the tattoo of my name on her arm covered over. She blocked me on all ways of contacting her. Then over next few weeks I was unblocked and blocked numerous times.
She dropped some bits of mine shed found of at my mums 28th August and told me she's filed for divorce and I should have the papers soon. When we separated I asked her to hold off on divorce for at least 6 months but she seems to be rushing this as quick as she can. Its now 09 September and I've not received papers, I've also been blocked again since that day.

She is going through the menopause and is also bipolar.

In the last year she got her 1st passport, she'd never been abroad. So last September her and my mates wife had a 3 night trip to Gran Canaria. In October me and her had a week in Crete for our wedding anniversary (and we both said how good we are together still). In February I bought her the car she'd always wanted. She wanted a family holiday before her kids got to old so in April all 6 of us went to Portugal. Even for her daughters 16th birthday, she went to Majorca for the day!! All this was possible from working hard in our business. But she says she was never bothered about this, she just wanted my time. And yes, I should of given her time and presence as we were so close to one another prior to business but it trapped me and life circumstances meant it couldn't grow as we had planned so was unable to take another worker on to give us a break.

She's cut every mutual friend from social media. Basically disappeared from my life. I now know nothing about her. I sit here thinking did she ever love me, was I just an easy soft man she could use as a stepdad for her kids until they were old enough. Is she seeing someone else. Maybe she fell for someone in her new job.

Is this mid life crisis, bipolar, menopause or is it just she doesn't genuinely want me anymore.
Its been 2 months since BD and I'm still struggling with it all. I'm going to the gym 3 times a week, Counselling every Tuesday. I've had 2 sessions of hypnotherapy to help with low self esteem and confidence issues. Trying to work on my own personal issues but without her by my side it seems pointless.

Obviously I was a stepdad for 13 years, and I've lost them. I've not seen them since the day I moved out and have no legal right to do so. She wont even let me see my dog. I said I'd love to have him for a few hours a week but she's controlling everything.

I should add she has been physically and verbally abusive over the 13 years. her children have witnessed it numerous times and so have my 2 daughters. Never once have I retaliated. I'm a bloke and big enough to take it. I know she doesn't mean it, its just her bipolar makes it hard for her to manage her emotions.

She has messaged my mum before the day she she said she'd filed for divorce. She said to my mother she never wanted any of this. When my mother replied we must be able to salvage this, she replied we will never be getting back together. She has now blocked my mother who my wife had said was more of a mum to her than her own mum. My mum and dad were friends with her parents so have known my wife since day she was born.

She has a history of just cutting people from her life. Her dad she went 12 years without speaking to, but is now. She cut her mother out of her life and 1 of her sisters 4 years ago. I have tried to get her to sort things with her mum over last 4 years but she refuses to. I said to her nothing can ever be resolved if you dont talk, but because she can be very nasty sometimes with her emotions and verbally, I think she's scared of confronting her mum because then her mum will see what she can be like.

There is so much more but this is me trying to keep it short. Thanks for reading.

Hi Kevf1,

I'm so sorry you're having to navigate such rough waters right now. It is a terrible spot to be in, but take comfort that many of us are out here navigating rough waters too, so you're not alone.

Maybe some advice that will give you comfort is "Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does." She very well may have just said she filed for divorce without actually having done so, trying to get a rise out of you. If you haven't been served then I would say that's a positive and we'll just celebrate that for now. Baby steps.

Try not to overanalyze her social media changes, I know easier said than done! But it's not going to do you any good and just overwhelm you even more trying to dig for answers. Perhaps she does feel sad and alone now, and is seeking outside validation now that she doesn't have you to provide that. Unfortunately, we can't know without her input, so try not to hold onto that.

Right now, the only thing we can do is let time run its course and try to better ourselves in the mean time.

Good Morning Kev

Jae is correct, believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do. Folks in crisis or deep emotional turmoil are slogging through a constant depression. And these folks display all manner of strange and weird behaviours.

Realize W has the attention span of a gnat. And she is being lead by her emotions. It’s easy to say “I filed”. Yet, to actually do the work, make the various decisions, and so on; that heavy-lifting; well that is another story. Some do blast forward burning bridges and anyone/everyone in their way, others get bogged down and procrastinate and delay.


I get it, it’s difficult to understand why they do what they do. Believe me, these folks do not know why they do what they do. They are reacting, lashing out, being driven by their ceaseless emotions - torments, pain, depression, etc. On the bizarre-o-meter, not following through with something, or basically lying, is pretty common and low on the scale.

Time and space. Let her do the heavy lifting. Keep focus on you.


Big red stop sign!

Envision one. Right in front of you. And stop your runaway thoughts. Even if it is only for a moment or two. Those small, purposeful, steps do accumulate and you will detach and regain your self quicker.


A few suggestions/tips/thoughts:

I get how hellish that is. Waiting. Expecting.

Dial your expectations to zero.

Was she torturing you? Or were you torturing you? W isn’t that powerful. She cannot control your emotions. She can try to. Maybe even was, by telling you she filed. However, you control you. Do not give your power away.

You contacted HMCTS and learnt there is no petition against you. All that worry, fret, expecting, waiting for the shoe to drop - all normal, yet such an expense of emotional energies.

Uncertainty. Limbo. Yes, difficult unwanted to live with. It is nicer, better, when we know what’s going on. However, life, the future, is pretty uncertain. Turn this on its head and embrace the uncertain. Embrace limbo.

Embracing limbo/uncertainty is letting go of the need to control. It’s not some rudderless state, with you adrift to the whims of fate, it’s you accepting what you cannot control; and focusing and exercising your control on what you can.

One of the greatest gifts is time. The future is thankfully unknown and unwritten. Let it unfurl as it will, on its time.

If one is depressed, they are living in the past. If one is anxious, they are living in the future. Living in the present moment brings peace and contentment.

D

Hey Kevf1,  

Do you see where you are focusing?  Not on you.  But on attempting mind reading of her behaviors.  

I do understand the impulse.  I've been there.  

I suggest you DO NOT mind read and instead focus on yourself.  In MWD words...that is a cheeseless tunnel.  You are looking for reason in a process that is not based on reason.  Don't base your actions on what you imagine her "reasoning" to be.  Re-read the previous posts from jaejae, DNJ, and Kind18 again.  


I think MWD addresses advice from friends, both LBS and WAS.  Friends care about you and will want you to stop hurting.  And they will give advice or suggestions they believe will help you feel better the quickest.  This often leads to very bad advice in terms of your end goals or values you have.  Love them for caring.  Take with a large dose of skepticism in terms of you achieving your goals.

g

Hey Kevf,
I know things are very hard on you emotionally. Mental Illness in our loved ones is very challenging to deal with. I think it's important to try not to buy the ticket to the rollercoaster ride your wife is currently
on

Of course HRT can affect medication... but is she at a place where she can hear that now to discuss with a doctor?

My guess is that you have seen a mania episode before. So hopefully you know what needs to be done on your end to protect things.

I hope the board doesn't edit this... but have you done any support groups? I found NAMI invaluable to me when dealing with my former partner who suffers from a mental illness. I still grieve and mourn who she was before the illness took hold - but at the same time, I protect myself financially and emotionally. Sometimes I still buy the ticket... but it's less now.

I also understand that she chooses for the illness to control her life. Accepting that though - is a whole other practice.


Boundaries still apply here. Most of the DB principles still apply.

AND... spending some time understanding the mental illness and getting support from people who are/have gone through similar experiences can also be helpful. You need support too!

Just a suggestion

Hi Kev.

Sorry you’re here, but you’ve come to the right place.

Your wife sounds incredibly manipulative. The constant blocking and unblocking, the tattoo removal, the social media games… these are all things she is doing with intent.

How sure are you that you want to be with this woman? A lot of your overwhelming feelings of wanting her back is because you’re grieving. Grieving what you thought was real, grieving who you thought you were married to. That grief and loss makes men get very desperate to save the marriage because it’s what you know and where you’re comfortable.

Imagine you were someone outside looking in. Would you recommend to a best friend to try and win back a woman treating him like she’s treating you?

Your first post was a hard read. She’s clearly garden variety mid-life-crisis and menopausal, and that generally lasts 5-8 years. The chances she snaps out of it quickly are very slim. And there’s NOTHING you can do to speed up that process.

Are you prepared to wait 8 years to see if she gets it all out of her system and wakes up as to how immature she’s being?

Are you seeing a personal psychologist? That’s a must. They’ll help you build a shield to her behaviour.

How much are you exercising atm?