I’m a 42-year-old woman, married for 12 years to my 46-year-old husband, and we’re on the brink of divorce. After two years of marriage counseling, my husband recently told me—just days after my father’s pancreatic cancer diagnosis—that he doesn’t know how to be an adult, bottles up emotions, wants to be “free” and happy, has had multiple side relationships (we’ve practiced non-monogamy), and now feels a deep bond with his current partner. He’s unwilling to work on the marriage, fears us returning to “old behavior,” dislikes family life, resents my boundaries about other partners, and refuses to pause non-monogamy. He admits having other partners makes him feel desired, as well as an escape from all the chaos that is going on in ours and our relationship decline.
He also disclosed I once walked in on him during a suicide attempt but wouldn’t elaborate. I believe it happened this past Easter when he seemed extremely detached and I noticed what looked like a thick rope in his tool room days after- which he did brush off as work related.
The last 4–5 years have been filled with conflict and crises—strained communication, my teen’s eating disorder, his conflicts with my kids, my severe postpartum depression, COVID, a house fire, job changes, resurfacing childhood trauma for him, a hostile neighbor, and my ADHD/anxiety.
My therapist says he is probably lumping me in when the chaos. His complaints about me: carelessness, pessimism, “nagging” check-ins, lack of appreciation, crumbs in bed (I stopped), and treating him “like a dog” (no examples given). I’ve considered divorce but hesitate unless there’s gambling, abuse, or addiction. He earns twice what I make; I do most parenting and finances. Recently he agreed to contribute more financially.
He’s attached to our house but wants a trial separation of us to all pack up and leave him be- and vague parenting time for our six year old (“I’ll see her whenever I can”). I believe he’s clinically depressed. He’s in individual therapy focused on finding his voice, not his childhood trauma.
I’ve stepped back—shorter texts, no pestering, focusing on my own life (three jobs to cover expenses, gym when possible). I haven’t told him I’m consulting a divorce financial analyst. I’m trying to stay optimistic, even about my father’s prognosis, but I know I can’t fix him. When I showed optimism about that, he looked surprised.
He was a bit silly today, which I haven't seen in a long time. He briefly chuckled about something yesterday. Is it related to my attempts to back off? Cordial in the face of divorce?
My backup plan is to get a small piece of land and put a small modular home on it. Either way, I believe most marriage problems are solvable, no matter how bleak. I’d love him to find a glimmer of hope in us, somehow, some way. I don't know if he's gonna change his mind - he's a pretty stubborn guy, once his mind is made up - it's made up.
The ring camera showed he left yesterday with a bag of clothes.
My XW messaged me one evening declaring she was staying at a local campground now. I didn’t ask her to leave. I didn’t pressure her to leave. I did tell her it was not OK to be in our home AND accepting attentions from OM.
Originally Posted by PamCakes
He hasn't come home. Hasn't texted. I haven't either.
He agreed to be home by 5pm tonight to watch our kid so I could go to my 3rd job, but never showed up. Haven't seen hide nor hair of him. Luckily, my oldest daughter stayed home.
-> Have no expectations.
This is repeated around here. It has multiple dimensions. For all the old rules. The expectations we had of each other. The covert contracts. Our patterns. All shattered.
Restart from Zero.
Don’t expect an outcome. Don’t expect previous behaviors Don’t expect reliability Don’t expect truth Don’t expect ….
It may be intentional on their part. It may be unintentional from whatever their pressured and disturbed mental and emotional state is. You might not be able to tell or ever know.
Where does that leave you? Accept what IS right now. Accept it IS a great loss. Plan your life for you and child. - If he does something good, appreciate it. - If not, you didn’t expect anything anyway. - If he exhibits bad behavior, consider a boundary (not to punish, but to protect yourself).
Become/rebuild to be the woman only a fool would leave.
