Sorry this is a VERY long story ive been journaling about since it started:
My wife and I have been together 13 years and married for 5. We've always been best friends, always relied on each other and never stopped telling each other how much we loved each other. We've had frequent arguments over the years, usually about the same things. Chores, finances, communication, etc. and in retrospect it all boils down to the same thing, we weren't hearing each other.
I have played a large part in that. I have depression and defensiveness issues. I hated my job and complained a lot about it, I started having heart problems 8 years ago that went undiagnosed until recently, it made me even more depressed and anxious all the time. I easily got angry, never physical, but the littlest things would set me off, sometimes I'd even pout and think once stomped my foot like a child, which is pathetic I know. I realize now I didn't allow a safe space to discuss our issues because I'd always get defensive and think I was being attacked. Afterwards I would realize my behavior and apologize but after a few weeks or months, whenever a fight would come up, it would happen again as if on instinct. She said she gave up trying to talk to me because it was a lose lose situation.
I didn't know how to express the feelings I had. When I went to therapy it never helped, it just felt like I was talking to a wall, no advice or homework, just a vent session. So I eventually stopped going.
My wife is very independent. Shes strong, intelligent and capable, but that also meant that whenever there was a problem she would hold on to it l, bottle it up until it became resentment, and I would have to pry it out of her or else we'd never talk. That didn't help any calm discussions to happen. She was the primary breadwinner after the pandemic, since I was laid off and my next jobs didn't pay as well and she continued to make more and more. She was the primary reason we could buy a house. She has done so much for me but my depression still persisted and I think she took offense to that.
I would approach her asking her to be more physical with me, trying to explain that my love language is physical touch and words of affirmation but she took that as me asking her to change who she was. I love her I would never want her to change who she was but I would often feel lonely or touch starved. Her love languages are quality time and acts of service, I always tried to meet that but I think I asked her to return the favor in the wrong way or maybe at the wrong time. It would often lead to a fight admittedly because I’d get frustrated when she would accuse me of trying to change her and myself not being able to explain what I was feeling.
I didn't help out enough though, I know that. I did a lot but she needed more from me but I didn't understand what that "more" was. And I didn't ask and she didn't elaborate. So I kept doing what I was doing thinking we were fine. Normal days were incredible, we’d were incredibly in love, she would send me texts and voicemails randomly just to tell me how great of a husband I was and how happy she was to be with me and I would do the same. We’d dance in the kitchen, go on road trips, spend time together even when doing our own thing. I have messages from her as recently as February telling me how happy she is with me and how she can’t wait to spend forever with me.
A few months ago I caught on to a change in her mood. She was feeling more confident than usual, we were having way more sex, she was taking extra care of herself. I was so proud of her but I also asked where this came from. And she told me someone at work called her beautiful. That bothered me because whenever I give her a compliment she brushes it off. I asked what the situation was that made him say that and she said she was showing him pictures from our vacation the month before, of her in a bikini. I told her that made me uncomfortable, that I knew he had a crush on her, and she said she understood, she wouldn't talk to him much anymore.
Two weeks later she was hiding her phone from me. I got upset and asked if she was cheating and she swore she wasn't. Just that it's hard to talk to me but easy to talk to him. And she knew I would be upset if she was still talking to him. That really upset me and I told her that was unfair, she's acting like she's cheating and she's blaming me for it. We talked more over the next few days, I agreed to make changes and she did as well. I kept them too, did more around the house, did more financially, etc. but it just wasn't enough.
Finally the day after my birthday at the end of march she tells me she wants to leave. That she has so much resentment built up over the years that she can't get over it. That she's been unhappy for the past 11 years we’ve been together, that I didn't consider her feelings when making decisions or doing anything, and the fact that I didn't just realize that makes it worse. I told her I didn't know because we didn't talk, I thought our fights were islands, little instances and things we got past. Not realizing what was underlying the arguments and how the dishes weren't about the dishes or the socks on the floor weren't really about the socks. But for her it was just piling on more and more. She told me that she had feelings for someone at work, that they talked about it and they both felt the same way. This guy is a married man with two children who is also unhappy in his marriage. I asked if anything happened and she swore it didn't. But she said if he was available she would date him in a heartbeat.
This doesn't make sense to me at all. I know this guy, we've spent a lot of time with him and his family. He's a trump supporter, she's a very progressive feminist, he cares only about stocks and finances, she's into fantasy romance books and nature. I mean when trump got elected I held her all night as she cried, she couldn't talk to this guy for 2 weeks because she was so mad at him. Saying he clearly didn't care about women and that disgusts her. So none of this makes sense.
I didn't handle the first week well. The first two days i did all the things you shouldn't. I begged and cried and pleaded her to stay. Promised to change in every which way. Then I unknowingly love bombed her, I hadn't heard that term before. But I did all the chores, made dinner every night went on walks with her, went out of my way to do everything I could. But she said it made it worse. Because I was always capable of this apparently and I just didn't. I think that's unfair but I understood. We started sleeping separately after that. Then she finally told me that something did actually happen, they had kissed. But that after he said he would not leave his family and regretted it. She apologized a bit to me but not much. It didn't seem like she regretted it. She said it so matter of factly, like "I didn't consider you". I had been doing a little introspection and I forgave her because I recognize that I had a part in this too, she couldn't talk to me and it drove her elsewhere. It's still not okay but I did have a part.
She asked for space and I clung on. Eventually resulting in a fight that led to her leaving for the night. I decided then to give her a week of space and left for my parents. During the time I got rid of my expensive car which was a point of contention, and got a much cheaper one. I lost my job for unrelated reasons but had a new one lined up by the time I got back. I read 3 self help books, journaled, went to therapy and started medication for my ADHD and depression. I started to understand what she was feeling and more than that I started to really empathize with her. I knew that when I went back that I would have to respect whatever decision she made.
Unfortunately that was to divorce. I said okay, I respect that but that I loved her and if she ever wants to try my door is open. I continued working on myself, practicing mindfulness, controlling my emotions, working out, eating well, I continued to chores and took care of my wife in the ways that wouldn't be overbearing or smothering with her permission. I just decided I want to be better if not to make the marriage work, then for me. Because clearly I need to.
The next week was us fixing up the house to sell, me going to therapy, and still doing all the chores because my new job hasn't started yet. Then one night we are eating dinner and talking about our last apartment that was in an area we loved. We were reminiscing, laughing having fun, realizing that where we moved to had a big impact on us, that we left a community and then only had each other and it was such a big house that we would find ourselves not talking for hours by accident. Then she said "if we moved back there I think it would be nice", "this is the house I'd want to get with you" and "some part of my brain tells me I could just stop this. That we could try and make this work and not have to sell the house and do all this". "Maybe we can separate for while and that way we could reconcile" Naturally I got excited but didn't let on too much. Just said "I can't disagree with that part of your brain, if you want to we can try." That it makes sense to want to try everything before tapping out. But then she suddenly got upset and felt manipulated. I felt confused and we went to bed. I mean as early as a month prior she was texting me things like “you’re the best husband I could ever ask for. I love you so much” etc.
Next day she was back to full divorce, getting the house on the market asap, and being cold to me. I asked her if she had talked to anyone and she said no, only her therapist. That she doesn't want to talk to anyone else because she doesn't want them to change her mind.
All this time, I find out, she's still constantly talking to the affair partner. Snapchatting, texting, calls. I felt really disrespected but didn't say anything. I started waking up with genuine thoughts of suicide, and it scared me and so I called the hotline and my therapist. I'm okay but it made me realize I was not doing well with this.
A week later she comes home and tells me that his wife found out. It was a mess apparently. I collected myself and actually offered her an ear. I empathized with her because she feels guilty that she did that and potentially ruined a family. I understand that. I offered to talk with her and she did for a bit. I was a bit upset that she was more upset that she can't talk to her AP anymore than her marriage ending but I still tried to be there for her. That was until she told me that part of her wished they would divorce so they could be together. Because up until this point she had told me that she didn't want to be with him anymore. That it was stupid and she just needed to find herself and she can't do that with me.
That put me over the edge. I didn't get upset or let on that I was angry. I explained to her that his life would not be the same, that multiple families would be hurt and he'd have to pay child support and alimony and if she cared for him she should want them to be together and work this out. But that was the most disrespectful thing to ever happen to me. To know how much effort I'm putting in and how badly I want this to work and still say something like that directly to my face?
She's been depressed for the last few days and it's making me more upset. I found out he called her recently, to talk about things. About how he doesn't know if he wants to be with his wife anymore. And my wife was encouraging him to do "what makes him happy". Which is just biased and not the right move. Not with two young children in the mix. You may not be happy now but you will be once you actually address your issues.
It all came to a head on a Saturday night. She told me she was going out to get a milkshake and then texted me 30 minutes later saying she wasn’t going to be home for a while. That she needed to be by herself. I knew she was lying. I had a feeling she was going to his house. Eventually my anxiety got the best of me and I messaged the affair partners wife. I wanted to corroborate their stories. I convinced myself that if their stories match up then maybe they are telling the truth and maybe she’s just over there as a “friend”. Especially since he’s said repeatedly he won’t leave his wife and kids. When I spoke to her she told me she wasn’t home, she was at the hospital with her 18 month old and believed that my wife was at her house, something about open door alerts, etc.
She urged me to go over to her place and confront them. I was in the car but ultimately realized that’s a terrible idea and went home. She then said she knew her car was at her house. I didn’t know if she was being honest but I actually tried to convince her that they probably weren’t doing anything. (Naive I know) When I asked my wife when she got home where she was she lied to me. I told her I knew where she was because his wife told me.
The next day my wife had a brief moment of clarity and realized that she was “destroying so many people’s lives” including her own. Her words not mine. After giving her some space and her breaking contact with the affair partner for hours she came downstairs, wrapped her arms and legs around me and sobbed saying she was so sorry. That she thinks she wants to buy the house with me in the area we loved and try again. She took that back shortly after though citing she was emotional.
She decided to take the next day off from work in order to stay away from the AP and she wanted to go to Disney for the day and asked me to come with. We went here for our honeymoon and it’s her favorite place. We actually had a great time, she held my hand and even kissed me.
But on the way home we got into a fight, I had neglected to tell her that I reached out to the AP wife first and her AP told her I did. I apologized to her for lying and I asked her to consider my position at the time. I had panicked and it wasn’t fair to her but also she hasn’t given me a reason to trust her recently.
Things have spiraled since. We were okay for a bit, but she continues to talk to the AP despite his wife laying down ground rules that he can’t talk to her or else he needs to find a new job. My wife continued to say she doesn’t know what she wants to do. She doesn’t want to stop talking to him, doesn’t know if she wants to try again with me, doesn’t know what she wants period. That there’s too much resentment. She has told me I emotionally abused her by being defensive and invalidating her feelings. I disagreed at first but I’ve done much more research into emotional abuse and realize that there were some things that certainly would be considered emotional abuse. I must say I NEVER intended or wanted to control her, force her to do things she doesn’t want to or make her feel crazy. It was NEVER the norm and has only ever come up in fights. But I have spoken with my therapist about this and we have been working hard at it.
Recently after an argument that began as me asking for a trial separation she stormed off and unbeknownst to me filed for divorce.
Once that happened I pulled back a lot. I signed up for a gym, started going out by myself, trying to find things that make me happy, dressing well and I even got men’s skincare products, something I always ignored, and started using them. I think she’s noticed some of it.
Here’s where it gets weird again. We have two cats who we adore. I want to take them and so does she so obviously it’s a point of contention. However we agreed to consider splitting them up. They aren’t bonded but we want to make sure it’s the right thing to do. We both know the other will care for them always. This led to some calm open discussion and she’s begun opening up to me. First she tore me apart for all the things I’ve done. Telling me again I’ve been emotionally abusive, recalling a particularly bad night (which we had addressed years ago but I recognize the scar) in which we were fighting and when coming down the stairs past her I slipped and fell. I was significantly hurt and screamed at her accusing her of doing it on purpose. I know that’s not true and my embarrassment, anger and pain got the best of me. I apologized every day for weeks after that but I knew it would be a lasting problem. She said she forgave me but I still knew.
She told me I was defensive, didn’t care about her, that I was only making changes because now it’s affecting me, how if I loved her I would have noticed she was unhappy without her telling me.
I just took it. I nodded and validated her. I said while it wasn’t my intention I know it’s the impact that matters and that I’m ashamed of that. That I wished she had told me earlier but that I understood why she thought it would turn into a fight. The conversation actually ended amicably.
Then she told me that her AP’s wife requested a separation and he panicked. He’s now completely dedicated to making things work with his wife and they’re “dating” to reignite the spark. My wife told him that’s great but that means they can’t speak anymore. He begged and pleaded but she held fast and kept her boundaries with him. Which was surprising.
Then she began talking to me more. Texts, calls, sending me reels and TikTok’s. Spending time with me, at least in the same room like we used to. Considering me when doing things like asking if I’d like her to pick up food for us, etc. totally a 180 from what she was doing.
Yesterday when hanging up she told me she loved me. I think it was a habitual thing but she hadn’t said it in months so it threw me off guard.
She still makes comments on the cats, and who is going to take them and maybe I’m stupid but I feel like she might be reconsidering.
I’m doing my best to simply be positive, to not be sucked in and continue doing what’s best for me. My new job gives me benefits that includes a personal lawyer but that doesn’t go into effect until the first so I’m waiting until then to look further into the divorce.
I'm at a crossroads here. I love her. With everything I am and I also recognize my part in all this. If I had been attentive to her, and less worried about being the bad guy and more worried about hearing and empathizing with her we wouldn't be here. But she also cheated on me. And was continuing to do so at least emotionally until recently. I feel like I'm not being good to myself but that maybe she’s coming out of this limerence she was in.
I know everyone and every article and book says to focus on you, ignore what she says she's in an affair fog, things will be much better if you get through this, etc. but we have a time limit with the house and divorce.
I do still want to reconcile. To move back to our community and restart. She's been my person for as long as I can remember. So much of me is built to love her, and now that I am addressing my problems I feel I can do even more. But some days it feels like it’s too late.
I know that filing for divorce is basically the final nail in the coffin but even my therapist, who has been a marriage counselor for 30 years has said it’s not necessarily over. He’s seen people reconcile minutes before their hearing.
I didn’t know I had all this trauma in me, that she was in pain. People have said that the only reason I want to do something now is because it affects me but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I was in a hole, I couldn’t see anything and I didnt KNOW I was in a hole. It’s like a person who eats unhealthily for their whole life and then they have a heart attack and it shocks them out of whatever dark place they were in.
I don’t blame her for wanting to leave. I don’t blame her for how things went or started with the AP, I understand why she feels the way she does, I would if I were in her shoes. She’s admitted early on that if the AP weren’t in the picture that she would be more open to trying. Which is frustrating and insulting. But shows that it’s not just me as the cause right?
Im afraid that total 180s, at least in how I show up for “us” in our everyday life, will push her further away. She’s very stubborn and very direct. I think my 180s in how I treat myself have worked to a certain extent. I just don’t know what to do to give her a reason, show her a reason, to turn back towards me.
Sorry that was so long, I don’t think I’ve written the whole thing out before
TL;DR Wife cheated and asked for a divorce, I want to reconcile. She flip flops every now and then and I can't decide what’s best to do.
Hey, Dave. I'm glad you found your way here, and as you have likely seen, the community is a wonderful resource. Sometimes it can be tough to hear the feedback, and my experience is that good intent and/or experience underlies all of it. Though I've not seen him active lately, there is a board member named Ready2Change who would often chime in on posts like yours. In his absence, I'm going to channel a little R2C in saying that I can't imagine your W is finding much of your behavior very attractive. To me, it is coming across as very needy, awaiting her every move or response, and orbiting around her rather than truly focusing on healing yourself in ways not dependent upon her presence. 180s are tough; you are 100% right about the discomfort they cause us, and when I was where you are, it took a leap of faith. Members like Boat and Kind18 were thankfully candid with me, and I got to a point where nothing else was working, so what did I have to lose by listening to them?
DNJ and Job offered "gentler" feedback that remains highly valuable. And, if you've read many posts here, you may have seen something along the lines of "you didn't break your spouse; you can't fix them." As DNJ says, she has to burn through all she's amassed. Like any fire, the closer you get, the less oxygen YOU have to breathe for yourself. Let go of trying to be there for her all the time. Let her see what it is like when she doesn't have you easily accessible as a safety net to bail her out or offer comfort at her whim. Are you taking the best care of yourself that you could be? What else makes you happy that doesn't depend on her? If this doesn't work out, what else have you built to support yourself for the short- to mid-term? If you have an EAP at work or perhaps a personal therapist, take advantage of that benefit to get some more personalized guidance.
We all want to see you happy and thriving, irrespective of whether W will remain a part of your life.
