Hi. My husband told me he wanted a divorce about a month ago. We weren't even fighting. I was excited about a piece of exercise equipment I had gotten. He knew I was insecure about my body and had tried to tell me how to lose weight, but anything I had tried wasn't working. He's the problem solving type, so whatever was festering in his brain must have been brought out by this. He told me he wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time. He asked me if I was and I said no, that I had been feeling unwanted for a long time too. He said he has a very stressful job and I stress him out with my problems. I had no idea, I just wanted someone to vent to. He also said that we had no intimacy. That was partly because of some female health problems I've been experiencing throughout the years, and the feeling I was having that he didn't want me anymore. Also that I always bugged him at the wrong times. I literally never had time to talk to him, he was always either at work, the gym or barricaded in his room. We did spend every Sunday afternoon together and weekends in general when I wasn't working.
I immediately ordered Michelle's book "The Divorce Remedy" and started implementing some of the techniques. I told him why we weren't having sex. When he stopped asking for it I assumed he was getting old. He would often not finish when we did do it, saying he was tired. I didn't feel any passion whatsoever so I admit I wasn't the best at it either. He asked if I wanted to have sex and I said of course. We've now had more in two weeks than we have in 2 years.
I told him that I would always bug him at the wrong times because I never had a window to talk to him. I asked him if he could make time and sit with me at the dinner table instead of watching TV and he's been doing that ever since. I stopped venting to him and only talk about positive things.
I've started talking about my feelings for him, something I was scared of or embarrassed about before. I wasn't raised like that. I started complementing him and he's been so nice to me, even complementing me as well, which I told him was one reason I felt unwanted. He says he wants me to be financially taken care of and today he said he still wants to be friends. He tried being cold with me at one point because he felt like he was leading me on. That didn't last very long. I'd burst into tears and he wants to comfort me.
He's dead set on divorce and I'm dead set on making this work. I told him today, I don't care if it takes two years, I'll be waiting. He says we don't have a connection and he knows there's someone out there whom he can connect with and is better for him, and the same for me. I am positive he's not having an affair. Two other major things are that he went through what could've been a fatal accident a few months ago but thank God he got out without a scratch. Also that he smoked weed to relax and forget for most of our relationship and suddenly stopped. I'm pretty sure he's going through a midlife crisis. I've been suggesting therapy for a long time, but he was never interested. I wish I had known I could've just worked on things on my own, but I really didn't know what was bothering him, even though he said he told me many times. When I ask him now what it was he told me that I didn't listen, he can't even tell me. I know I've changed a lot of things in the past, but he just chooses to keep looking at what's missing. He says he loves me but he's not in love with me, and that we're both still young (we're 45) and that we can find happiness with other people. We've been together 17 years, married 15. I was previously married to a bi-polar, violent man who also cheated on me. My husband is nothing like that. He's kind and sensitive and caring. I really thought I had hit the jackpot with him.
Do you think there's hope for us? We still live together and sleep in the same bed. There's no rush for either of us to move out. I told him I wanted to stay in our house. It's a great investment on top of it being exactly what we wanted since we remodeled it together. I also don't want to see him suffer financially because of the split, but it's ultimately his decision. I told him all I can do is keep the changes going and show him that this time they're for good, since he's skeptical I can really change, if anything for my own sanity. I have completely lost my appetite and have lost 10lbs already, and paid the ER a visit last week with a major panic attack and my whole body went numb. They said my blood pressure was really high and my heart was racing. I told him I take my vows seriously and I'm not a quitter. My parents are still married. He said he never believed in marriage but decided to give it a try. He comes from a broken family and had to take care of himself most of his life. I've never been alone and I am terrified. I don't ever want to gamble with my heart again so getting into another relationship is out of the question for me.
Thank you. I'm not having the best morning. Gotta pull it together before he comes home from work. I wish I knew what was going through his head, but if I could, then I wouldn't be in this situation now, would I?
Never met him but I can tell you that you don’t want to know what is going on in his head. Mostly confusion, pain and overall depression.
JoJo12, I'm sorry that you find yourself here. I wish I hadn't been given a reason to search for a forum like this one but am certainly glad I found it. Albeit, I found this site a year after my first bomb drop and 5 months after the second bomb drop. Everything hit the fan at the second bomb drop.
I stop in to share with you that I could've written your last entry 1.5 months after BD2. I was certain that I could sway H. After all, we were different than other couples. We led a fairytale life. Kids moved to universities and we now had the run of the house. Minimal bills. No one to interrupt us. No kids to shuffle around. Life could slow down and it would be just us.
Despite living exactly what you described in the last entry, H moved out at 2.5 months post BD2. I was crushed. H was trying. I was doing all I could. We both seemed to be making amends. I learned later that H was conflicted and some force kept pulling him away. H fought. Some days he won and some days...well, temptation won. H shared with me one night as I held him tight, "It's like a switch flipped and I don't know how to flip it back. I'm trying and can't seem to flip it. I'm drowning in these waves." As I tried to physically pull away to get a drink of water, H pulled me in tighter and begged me to not let him go. Still, H moved out...down the street.
Remain hopeful. All the while realizing that there is little (or nothing) we can do. H is an adult and will make his own choices. H is on a journey. Live your journey.
One of many comments shared by this group is to drop the rope. It took me a LONG time to understand this. Well, mostly to embrace this. It still takes deliberate thought and decisioning to not rescue H in the few times we interact.
We understand and send you encouragement. Keep posting. You are stronger than you know AND I encourage you to continue following guidance given here. Veterans continue to help me on my journey and I'm so thankful.
It’s 6am and I woke up and can’t go back to sleep. I just made the decision that screw what he wants about keeping lawyers out of it. He can’t have his cake and eat it too. He wants out for his own health, I’m going to fight for mine. He wants to leave me to fend for myself, I’m going to start now. I’m sorry he has low self esteem. My childhood was no picnic either. I’m the queen of no self esteem but I’m not going around hurting the person I love the most because of it. I’m getting every penny I’m entitled to even if that means hurting him financially. He wants his freedom, I can’t keep him from that but I can keep what’s mine. He has choices, I don’t.
Hi, I'm sorry you're here. I'm sure one of the vets will be along soon with some great advice and the welcome post.
It sounds to me like you've started off on the right track. You've identified some changes and have started making them. What I would say to you is to stop talking about your changes and keep making them and stick to them. It could take a while.
Sorry to hear about your health but I'm sorry to say that is normal at this stressful time. I have a health and fitness watch and it is very obvious how my stress, weight, sleep were all affected during the few months when my situation was at Bomb Drop last year. I remember going through all the graphs on the app with my doctor. I was having to force myself to eat even though I was still working out a lot. Be good to yourself. Eat. Work out. Do what you can to get some sleep. Get yourself out to nature. Concentrate on you a little bit. You need time to think and process this.
I like you was straight in to the feeling of 'how do I save my marriage' all before I really took stock of what was actually going on.
Midlife Crisis is a bit of a strange thing. I personally don't believe there is a phenomenon called midlife crisis that happens to people and causes them to act strangely. Rather, in my opinion, there are a subset of psychological and relational things going on that aren't always the same in each case, but they result in behaviours that are so hurtful or destructive to their loved ones that they get called a crisis.
I don't want to alarm you but in almost every case I've read about there has been an affair. Whether that is the case or not, your husband is not acting in a faithful way towards you and your marriage so please guard yourself.
By the way, for some reason you were on moderation, which is why your posts did not show up right away, one of us moderators had to approve them. Anyhow, you should be off moderation now.
Welcome to the boards. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I’m glad to see you’ve read DR from MWD. Lots of good advice in that book!
First off, yes I believe there is hope for your situation.
H only drop the bomb a month ago. And you are correct, his issues and unspoken concerns, pains, complaints, etc have been going on for much longer. Do realize, it’s his issues, pains, concerns, complaints, etc. Do not take on ownership for his stuff.
You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
Certainly own, and clean up, your side of the street. Which it sounds like you are doing. It will take time for H to believe in your positive changes, and that they aren’t some ploy to win him back. So ensure any changes you enact are for you. That way those new and improved behaviours will become permanent, because you did them for you.
Originally Posted by JoJo12
He's dead set on divorce and I'm dead set on making this work. I told him today, I don't care if it takes two years, I'll be waiting.
You’ve told him this, now leave it alone. H needs to feel the loss before he may start to turn back.
You sitting around waiting for him allows H to stagnate in place. A spouse will make less forward progress when their partner is sitting on the shelf at home pinning away. Focus on you. Get a life (GAL). Let go. Detach. Be pressure-free. Have no R-talks.
I know that seems counterintuitive. Sounds wrong. Such is Divorce Busting. It is counterintuitive, until you figure it out.
Begging, pleading, pressure, all that just pushes them out the door faster. Focus on yourself. Live and love your life. Let H feel a bit of the reality of that divorce fantasy life he has built up in his mind.
To be clear, that doesn’t mean go out dating. Or ignoring him. You be kind and cordial. You don’t jump to his every whim and want. Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
Like I said, it’s been a month. This takes time. So if you don’t focus on you, it’s going to feel a heck of a lot longer.
Originally Posted by JoJo12
I am positive he's not having an affair.
It is staggering how many have affairs. In fact, I cannot recall a single situations where there was not an affair.
I’m not saying that to be mean, or dash your hopes, or anything like that. Just sincere honest straightforwardness. Also, affairs mean nothing. There are built upon lies and deceit, which make a terrible foundation for a relationship. That kind of an illicit foundation is akin to building in sand, it requires incredible energies to maintain the relationship.
I also tell you this for your health. You definitely do not want an STD. If you choose to have sex, use protection.
Originally Posted by JoJo12
He asked if I wanted to have sex and I said of course. We've now had more in two weeks than we have in 2 years.
The topic of having sex. The usual suggestion is no cake eating. H has announced and is still adamant of wanting a divorce. Why are you sleeping with him? Let him feel the loss.
And do not fear that doing so will push him to someone else. That is a pretty normal fear for a LBS. And a normal narrative/justification/blame from the spouse.
Of course, it does sound like your sex life was lacking. However, that is not the only item on H’s list of “reasons”. I’d likely pull back, and tell him why. That you aren’t going to sleep with someone looking to leave.
H will like push back. Blame, justify, rewrite history, and so on. Let him. You know better.
Originally Posted by JoJo12
I'm pretty sure he's going through a midlife crisis. I've been suggesting therapy for a long time, but he was never interested.
A midlife crisis is a horrible consuming time. Long ago unrecognized unrealized unreconciled buried trauma(s) burst forth and consume them. MLC is nothing like what Hollywood portrays. It is not a guy buying a red sports car and getting a girlfriend. A true crisis rips the person’s soul asunder.
A crisis cannot be stopped. Once started the person must finish it. One can be delayed, but the crisis will not be stalled for long, and when it resumes it will be far worse than before.
A crisis has nothing to do with you. It is about long ago childhood trauma(s) from a person in a position of authority. The very person who is suppose to protect them. The youngster is far too immature to deal with happens to them, so they do the only thing they can, they bury it.
Kids are egocentric, the world revolves around them. Abuse, sexual assault, etc. the youngster blames themselves. To them, it’s their fault. And they cannot handle that! So they bury and deny it. A perfectly normal response from their young psyche; for trying to face things would have destroyed them.
That is the seeds of a crisis. Horrible dark deeds/seeds.
Cue midlife. Marriage, work, kids, mortality, life’s accomplishments, life’s regrets, and so on. All come to the fore. Everyone feels this time. For most folks it is a midlife transition. And sadly, for some folks it does not go smoothly. Still, it is a transition from one stage of life to the next.
What sets midlife’s stage apart from the other ones - childhood, adolescence, golden years - is one cannot bury things. All one’s skeletons, known and hidden, come out and want their say. Long ago demons will not remain silent any longer.
A crisis happens when one has hidden demons and poor coping skills. Those long ago seeds emotionally stunted the MLCer and they need to revisit their past and grow up from then.
Realize they need to. They are driven to.
I had no idea of what MLC was until my XW blew apart her life. I only saw it as that comedic Hollywood version. True MLC is near unbelievable. In fact, most people who have not seen it cannot believe in it. That’s not a slight at anyone. It is a normal protection of their psyche.
For a crisis lurks unknown. Waiting to drag and consume. Had long ago forgotten events of my childhood been different, I would be in crisis and not XW. To accept that. To see and accept the fragility of the mind and the lurking possibly that you too could succumb. People’s protective mechanisms spring up. Like I said, I’ve been there.
I knew my XW for 31 years, married 26, four kids, big country house, big yard, and wonderful life. She dropped the bomb during thanksgiving supper in front of the kids and my parents. Seven shocked witnesses to the absolute destruction of her life. “DnJ, you get the house, cars, and kids. Unless you don’t want them, then I guess I’ll have to take them.”
Following her grand announcement, a mere three hours later, her grand exodus. She left with OM - my neighbour - who was waiting at the end of the lane to pick her up. The bedlam, the shock, the absolute flabbergastness of it all. No one saw this coming.
True, my XW is on the nuclear end of the crisis spectrum.
A loving Mom of four. A vibrant woman who ran a daycare in our home. Was consumed!
She threw away her children like they were old clothes.
Now, eight years have passed. XW is still running with the unicorns and fairies. She is gaunt, unhealthy, sad, depressed. She is still with OM. She has not rekindled with her children. Instead, she blames them.
She is truly a lost soul.
MLC is horrible.
I pray your H is experiencing a midlife transition.
Either way, your path is the same. Focus on you. Be kind and compassionate. Live and love your life. Become the best version of yourself. A woman only a fool would leave.
I’d also suggest ceasing suggesting to H to go to counselling. That is pressure. And to him, nothing is wrong. Especially if he is in crisis, as his broken psyche cannot blame himself. That is some of the underpinnings of why they blame the LBS and write a narrative; for they cannot handle fault or blame. They truly cannot.
Apparently there is still some snag with your posts needing approval. Don’t worry, I’ve forwarded the request and I’ll continue making frequent checks. We’ll get this resolved.
. He still wouldn't listen so I have since dropped it.
Good that you dropped it.
Understand that there is NOTHING you can say or do that is going to change him.
You can only change yourself.
He is on his own path right now and until he decides that he is going to change it anything you do is more likely to make things worse rather than make things better. If you make a mistake then like falling off a bicycle get up dust yourself off and get back on again.
Just also remember like the Lighthouse story - be YOU the person YOU are and don't worry about trying to attract him back - a bright light and he may find his way. It will be on his timeline - Not yours.
Good! You have to look after yourself. H ain’t going to, he is off running with unicorns and fairies right now.
You can still be kind and cordial; compassionate and caring; all while not being walked all over.
Anger is part of grief. Part of loss. The loss of your marriage, relationship, trust, etc. Find a safe healthy outlet to express your anger/feelings. Go for a run or a walk. Go to the gym and go to town on the punching bag. Dig the garden. Scream into a pillow. It feels better and you won’t blow up at H unexpectedly.
Be strong and keep moving forward. You know: Lighthouse. Best version of you. That inner work.
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
