Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - I did all the wrong things…

Well, I’m new here.

I wish I had found this page a year ago. Because I have done ALL the things you aren’t supposed to do many times over in the last year before finding this page after I pushed my husband to the attorneys office last week.

We have two girls, 8 and 10. We have been together 20 years, H37 and M38. We have been through it all together since high school, and now he is a stranger.

I went through a bad depression from 2021-2022 and the stress of that and finances and work may have pushed him into what I didn’t realize was a MLC.

Out of nowhere, he didn’t love me anymore, he was caught talking to women behind my back, he was yelling at our kids all the time, he wanted a divorce and then he didn’t, he was crying all day, and then he was yelling all day, driving fast, mad at the world, everyone [censored] and he hates everyone. He wants to be alone in the woods - he says. He says every day he wants to run and run, and he feels no good emotions except sadness and pain. I found he was saving posts online about being in a prison at home, he wanted to fall in love, he wanted to have his fairy tale - so of course those things hurt and I pushed and I yelled and I wanted answers.

He would ask for divorce and I’d convince him he needed to stay. I was never a big crier or one to beg, but when he told me after I’ve been home with our kids for ten years that he would help me now but I needed to find a way to support myself because he didn’t want to be my husband anymore, I lost it, and I couldn’t contain my crying and pleading. Again, I wish I had found this page.

I wasn’t even really upset with him last week, but I told him he couldn’t meet my needs and he didn’t deserve me because how he’s been acting the last year and told him we needed to divorce, I didn’t want that at all, I wanted him to reassure me. Next mistake. He started calling attorneys and said he can’t keep hurting me, can’t meet my needs and won’t ever be the man he was before.

He says he has no hope in life, is always in pain and just angry at everything. I have been handling this all wrong and fear he’s been pushed too too far away now.

Reading over this page and the links over the last few days, has been comforting and calming when all we have been doing is yelling and fighting and we were never ones to fight. I couldn’t figure out why I am suddenly his enemy, and he yells and throws things. This is a stranger.

Thanks for listening! Trying to GAL, detach, and be there for our girls as I have been for the last year as this man has turned into someone none of us recognize. I am embarrassed and all the begging and pleasing I’ve done - he’s all I’ve ever known. The pain has been horrid.

Don’t be a doormat. Be patient and kind to yourself. Realize your worth. You are really the hero in your story and in your family. Invest your energy there. H is not being your friend going ahead with the D. Doesn’t mean you have to be unkind. Reserve your energy for where it is needed, you and your story.

Again be kind and patient with yourself.

Good Morning Lets

You are not a doormat. A doormat just lays there and gets walked on. You are not doing that!


It’s so confusing, isn’t it?

H’s sudden change to friendly behaviour is because he feels less pressure/threatened. Believe me, if/when things don’t go his way H can/will lash out.

These spouses feel positive from their “taking control”. They’ve sought a L and are pushing the divorce button. They’ve got a weird idea/plan of a nice mess-free zipless divorce. All unicorns and rainbows. Boy, are they in for a rude awakening. Divorce is a messy horrible thing.

Along with their feeling positive and in control, the spouse also feels guilt, shame, regret, and such. Their seemingly friendly behaviour is also them trying to assuage their guilty emotions. Interestingly, some of them will offer or negotiate towards the LBS’ favour when splitting things up. This only lasts for a little while, eventually their guilt is buried and they are less willing to give up (custody, money, items) to try to make themselves feel better.

To note, some do try to coerce or bamboozle the LBS by being friendly. A shady attempt to get the LBS to agree to a lop sided unfair settlement. Never sign or agree to anything until your lawyer has had a good look at it.

Lots of wild and conflicting things going on inside these spouse’s heads. All active and simultaneously pushing and pulling them. Imagine having all that swirling around along with past traumas, justifications, projections, disingenuous behaviour, lies, cheating, and so on. Oh, their minds are a bag of cats! No wonder we get confused when looking at their behaviours/words.


Continue to focus on you. GAL. Not be a doormat!

Yes, be pressure-free, kind and cordial, keep conversations short, and employ the 24-48 hour rule when possible. And leave H to his path. You cannot control him, only yourself.

You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.


H is not “getting” the best of you. He is not obtaining you.

You are simply being your best self. Walking the higher path.

All of which is for you. It does not, and will not, serve you to sink to a low level and purposefully treat H poorly. Remember, you are focusing on you. Being your best self all the time, for you. During those few times you need to deal with H, stand tall and continue to be that you.


Perfectly fine. Perfectly normal.

Be patience and stick to the path. The quickest way through the brambles and bog is a straight line. Follow your headings. Focus on you. Detachment will come. Peace will come.

D

Lets

The calling , helping with dinner or what not is a way they alleviate their own guilt . Ignore it . Let some of the texts or calls just hang for awhile before you even answer or don’t answer .

I watched my H many times run home like a lunatic , rush to cook dinner , throw it up on the counter and leave without even eating . It got so bad a few times he would even message me asking if I ate it . I left it sitting right where he left it .