Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - You know the drill...

I am 42M, my wife is 38F. Typical enough situation from what I have read, and I have read a lot.

TLDR: Possible MLC? Emotional Affair and now in Limbo.

3 young kids 6 years and under. Married 8 years. Together 14. My first real understanding that something was wrong came around 8 months ago was when emotional distance, avoidance, reduced intimacy. At the same time she was spending more time away from home partying, work. Anytime i tried to start a conversation there would be an excuse. She complained of stress, and being too busy. I've always been helpful at home so I started doing so much that there was nothing left for her to do at home and it became clear her excuses weren't genuine.

It got to the point I confronted her and asked was she not lonely and did she not want to be with me. She said she didn't know. I had to travel for work and came back a week later and got the BD -'I never loved you' etc - 'I want to buy a house and move out' - but at the same time couldn't fault me and said I was a great father. At that time I had already read one or two articles about walk away wife and midlife crisis so I didn't react as badly as most people would (although I was expecting ILYBNILWY - so a bit of a shock with what I actually got). I had one or two conversations of pleading, bargaining, questioning but probably not as much as most and then I started giving her space. Luckily, at the same time I was working on NMMNG and this really helped my mood, I got busy at the gym, and with jobs at home I had procrastinated on, reading more, bought new clothes. All while giving her space.

I opened up on a few things that I was learning about myself and working on (I was never very emotional or vulnerable) as the conversations came up and she seemed curious. She even started opening up about herself, childhood issues (of course) and said she was going to start IC.

2 months after BD I was suspecting an affair (she denied it at BD). I snooped and found she had been texting a guy she used to work with. Texts were deleted so I don't know what was sent (thankfully I think). I waited a week until I calmed down. I confronted to see if she would admit it but she didn't, I said I knew and handed her a letter (a 2x4 you might say) saying we would have to seperate. She then went to my inlaws and told them but came back and asked for time. She cant afford to buy a house. A day or two later she said she ended the affair (she said) and asked for time and a few more counselling sessions.

Separate beds since then.

This is about 2 -3 months ago. She seemed to go through a bit of a depression (withdrawal?) and still avoiding talking to me about relationship. I don't bring it up much. I am in a great mood most days, having fun with the kids. Getting more of my life back. I gave up a lot to help with the young kids. No overt signs of the affair anymore. I guess i made a mistake not bargaining for phone access.

Since she stayed at home I have been trying to be a good husband but without putting pressure on. Including her in everything family related. Took her out for an anniversary dinner (kept it light). Still doing family things together. Wrote her a letter on anniversay trying her lift her mood and make her feel appreciated and reiterated that I know I have to change to and I want to talk.

In-laws are pro M. They knew she had been acting angry and strange. They talk to me. She doesn't talk much to them or anyone at the moment. I've seen improvements in her mood but still no R talk, no remorse, no apologies. She does things for me around the house that she doesn't have to (breadcrumbs?) Bought me some christmas gifts (inexpensive but thoughtful).

2 weeks ago she said she'd write me a letter. Still haven't seen it.

She did say she was trying to be open minded about MC but didn't want to give me 'false hope'. I brushed it off because I want more enthusiasm than that. She is still going on a few nights out with girl friends (and staying away over night) but time away from house isn't as much as it was.

So I am at a bit of a decision point.

Do I start to draw boundaries around her acting less like a single woman and more like a wife?

(could be important for my NMMNG journey to get more assertive and dominant BUT she is an avoidant and has always been very independent and stubborn).

Do i wait it out and keep doing what I'm doing and she'll eventually open up?

Do I invite her to MC or is it too soon?

You want to see results and you are not seeing any and it’s frustrating to you. You are an impatient fixer who has probably always found a way when you encountered an issue. My guess is that you think if you keep trying the things you have been reading you can certainly fix this? I am going to be honest with you. You have three very young children and your W has one foot out the door. She is either really psychologically impaired or a lot of damage has been done. Either way it is going to take a really long time to turn this around. It is going to take a lot of changing on your part and infinite patience. Do you have it in you?

I would continue as you have been doing. Try being a friend, a good listener and not put pressure on her. She is sitting on the fence and until she decides what she wants to do, she will be there. The less pressure you put on her, the better.

I wouldn't rush MC. If you think you need to see a counselor, by all means do so. However, if you push her to see a MC, she will take what the counselor has to say and only hear what she wants to hear and then she will probably say "see, it's not going to work for us".

For now, continue as you have been. The less stress you put on her, the better.

Thanks Dnj


The thing about this is that I've always had an even temper, I very rarely react with anger or 'rise to the bait'. Maybe that would be a 180 for me, to show a bit more 'heat' and emotion.

Thanks to Grok's link to FightingFit I found a great old thread with a very similar Limbo situation to mine...

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1783694&page=1

Now, I haven't read to the end so I'm not sure how the sitch eventually played out. The OP of this thread seems to have spent a long time (years) analysing his wife's actions, posting a lot and not getting a life or standing up for himself as much as he should from what I see.

The real value in the thread is in the replies, the debates and the tips on attraction, forgiveness, detachment, friendliness, seduction, assertiveness.

It is helping me tie up all the advice I've been getting here, in IC, from friends, from other sources. There are so many conflicts in my mind that are now starting to dissolve into glimpses of clarity...

Detachment vs being a friend vs attraction and seduction. Patience vs assertiveness. GAL vs be the lighthouse. Do 180s vs finding your true self.

There is a path through that combines all these elements. It takes time to see it. It comes slowly. Reading what others have gone through, reading all the advice, reading books etc gives us a head start. It moves us more quickly than we could by just muddling through alone. It gives hope in times where we might just give up. It challenges our biases and blind spots. It gives an insight into our S where they are unable or unwilling to enlighten us themselves.

Reading these posts is so interesting and some great insights are there to be found but it also has to be balanced with quiet time alone to process the info and find one's own way. It's too easy to get lost in analysis thinking there is an answer to be found if we just look hard enough. I have been guilty of this since I am quite an analytical person, a fixer. A truth that I know in theory but still need to internalise is that only 50% of this situation is mine to fix. There is another 50% that is out of my control.

Also, there is only so much time in the day and all the time reading and posting here and elsewhere is time that isn't spent GALing. These things need to be balanced too...

My IC is also advising patience, friendship, to relax and stop strategizing so much or worrying about tactics. To just take the pressure off myself and approach the situation honestly. To shelve my need to see accountability, remorse etc for now. Those things will come in time if there is to be an R. I think my need/want for these things has been a blockage to me getting on with what I need to do to make an R possible. This will be the difficult part for me.

What we learn in DB is a lot of tactics, that gets us through the first weeks/months after BD. I think ultimately the goal needs to be recentering, finding our true, best selves and then going forward without needing all the 'tactics'. It then becomes second nature. This is the real work - finding our own path so we can proceed with true confidence and integrity.

This is the wrong question. Stop focusing on her, what she "should" do, what she might be feeling etc. I understand that your brain is directing all of your energy towards these questions. You need to manually override that loop and re-focus on yourself and your life. The GAL idea everyone here harps on really works. What do YOU want? How would you live if your W was abducted by aliens tomorrow?

I've been where you are and I know it's miserable. For years I tried to behave in a way that I hoped would guide my wife back to some version of our marriage that I thought would solve the problem. I was changing my behavior for her, not myself. This doesn't work. Detach, GAL, and take valued actions towards the things in your life that matter to YOU.

I can tell you with confidence that if you follow that process it will improve your life dramatically, to the point where you will be much less concerned with how your sitch resolves. You will realize that your W is the one who has to "fix" her issues, not you. All of that is up to her and beyond your power.

Hi Dynamiq,

Welcome to a great community, sorry you find yourself here. Like many on the boards I was in a situation like yours not that long ago and it was both the worst and best thing to ever happen to me. Frankly when I read the opening lines of your first post that referenced W partying I said out loud, "This could be my story".

There are a lot of very helpful posts here and it sounds like you've been reading. Keep it up. Be sure to focus on yourself, your actions, and your behaviors. Giving headspace to what your W did/may have done/could be doing is a recipe for more of the same bad behavior that lead you here. Let her go.

Be prepared for lots of ups and downs - good days, then bad weeks, then one great hour, etc. Remind yourself that this is part of the growth process you're living through, but always revert to valued actions. DO, don't THINK or SAY.

Once you have clarity on what you want in your life and what standard you expect from those you invite into your life, the answers to all of the questions you're grappling with will present themselves. Be patient, be persistent, and above all, don't lose hope that you will have the life you want. That's rule number 1.

M

Doing “what works” shouldn’t be your goal. Nothing will work as far as changing W’s course until she is ready to change on her own. Detachment will “work” if/when she decides she wants to be with you. I made the same mistake with my W, looking for her reactions instead of doing what was best for me. GAL, detach, and stop the R talks. I promise you will be better off.I also know how hard that advice is to follow. Hang in there.

I went on the trip in the end. I was in a better mood. Felt like being sociable and wanted to enjoy some good food and company. The kids loved it. Had a great time. Not much hassle from W except the usual coldness and a bit of criticism of my driving which I let wash over me.

I'm still reading, exercising, working on the home, being social with friends, doing things for me.

Really digging in to reclaiming my dark side, my fun side, my adventurous side. It's so easy to fall into the discipline of routine when being a dad and having to provide for a family. We can lose some parts of ourselves slowly over time.

Time and patience is one thing but I will soon have to see some progress from W. I had a timeline for reevaluating in mind. I see no reason not to assert what I want and expect from a marriage. Why shouldnt I? We need to get unstuck.

None of this is easy, and I don’t think most of us know how to navigate these situations after BD. I know for me, I tried to control what I thought I could because my life felt and feels totally out of control. It’s a tough spot to be in.

I think it’s always helpful to reflect on our contributions to the marriage breakdown, even if we don’t feel we are 100% to blame. As you said, you took some responsibility, but it’s not your fault your spouse decided to have an EA. I tell myself the same thing, while I contributed to the breakdown, that part isn’t on me, you know?

I appreciate your posts, and I think you are learning and navigating this situation the best you can day to day. All we can really do is become the best versions of ourselves right?

Boat is right on.

When I first posted to you - you admitted that you were controlling before retreating and saying "well not that much".

But based on your this post - it's very much true. You want to control the situation. BD was 6 months ago... and you're already tired. You want to give up. You want your way.

To me - you want to stay the same. You say how and when things are done. Well then you can't expect different results.

Like Boat said she's either impaired OR you have hurt her deeply. You are just automatically assuming the 1st in all of your posts. Will you even consider the 2nd? That perhaps - your need to control every aspect of your marriage and how she did things MIGHT actually lead her to not want to be married to you anymore?


So you are allowed to take off on a trip but not her... based off of reasons that are "acceptable" to you". What about the kids. Perhaps they would have liked the trip? Did you consider them in your "need" to be close to them

You have no control over this.

Interesting - perhaps she feels the same.


10-15 R talks isn't space.
My guess is that she isn't initiating $ex. The board would also most likely tell you not to if she did.
The board would also say to not initiate conversation however to engage and validate WHEN she does want to share.



You won't be honest with yourself. I personally don't see anywhere in your posts that you are a nice guy who has been walked all over the last 8 years of your marriage. I see a guy who judges her wife and resents her for things that absolutely has NOTHING to do with you. You seek to blame her verse understand her. It's your way or no way.

And I'm not sure you're ready to admit all of that.

"I’m not quite sure what you mean by the rules should be applied to both."

This was in response to something Valeska said about me taking a trip at the same time as W. I need to let her do what she's going to do.

"The LBS usually is working on self improvements. Having received a jolting life-altering wake-up call. And will therefore heal and grow before their spouse"

True. And this is part of where my impatience has come from. I recognised this need for change quite early, I took the blame all on myself, made lots of changes and then got impatient. But I forgot the main thing. Detachment. The more I detach, the more I see it is the key. I'm not there yet. And I see I have more of a journey to go on. And I need time for that.

So another conversation from W. She is now talking about letting her dad know her situation. Says she cant change her feelings. I ask how is she feeling and then she opens the flood gates... I wont list it all but some of the key points...

Still a lot of regrets about different aspects of our lives together or differents points where her life could have taken a different turn.
About how she couldn't get through to me emotionally and that it wasn't her fault.
Can't say she has a lot of regrets because we got our kids.
Was never fully into me but more interested in our house project.
The last few years together weren't fake.
About a time I didn't say the right thing that hurt her.
Regrets hurting me and bringing us to the situation we are in now.
About how she is exhausted thinking about where to live but it will be as close as possible to our current home.
About how she appreciates my patience in allowing her to live here.

I listened, mirrored, validated and didn't defend. Thanked her for the talk then went back to my house projects. The conflict in her is obvious. As are a few cracks in her emotional walls. When she talked about finding somewhere to live I told her she'd handle it fine. I know she would.

Her mood was noticeably lighter after this talk.