Really don't know how to put this all together without writing a novel.
First week of July my wife asked for separation/divorce. Had a lawyer.
After a couple weeks there was no movement. We had another talk and she was impressed with how I was handling the situation. She expected different. I convinced her to stop paying for the lawyer because we make the same money. Owe nothing outside of the mortgage. And have little savings outside of our pension.
She also agreed to hold off on me buying her out.
She did insist that she is still moving out.
10 days ago she decided to tell our kids what is happening. Kids were destroyed (12 year old twins). I expected her to leave shortly after but she has not.
A few days ago she presented me with a trial separation agreement and said she will leave this Saturday (2 days from now). She has not revisited the conversation.
I have convinced her to go to marriage counseling.
She, the other day also had an open conversation with me that she has been thinking and she is realizing that she has been blaming me for many issues that really have to do with her. But still has not pulled back from moving out.
10 years ago she had an affair. We had many years after that were great. I am over it. During this time we learned that she has severe postpartum depression.
The last few years haven't been great. I have been giving her space, which may have been the wrong approach.
Ultimately, it seems like she is trying to find herself. Her relationship with our kids is good not great. It is often compared toy relationship with them.
I'm sure this post is confusing and leaving out details. Please let me know where to expand.
Honestly, so very confused as to why she is not moving forward. (I don't want her to).
100% Catman. That’s why this DB principles suggest marriage counselling after bomb drop is a waste of time.
I took my ex wife along begrudgingly to a qualified psychologist and revered marriage counsellor.
In session three, as ex wife screamed at me, counsellor stopped her mid session and separated her into another room, spoke to us separately, called us back in together and then 100% told my ex she was being abusive and she couldn’t yell, scream, point her finger or cross her arms and shake her head like a toddler.
As we left, ex wife says “She’s totally taking your side, I’m never going back there again.” And refused to go to any more appointments.
She then told her girlfriends “I tried everything to save my marriage, including counselling.”
She went to counseling because she wanted validation she should continue her affair and everything that had ever happened to her was my fault. Psychologist saw right through it, called her on it, and then ex flipped to victim state.
Unless both people, mutually, sit down and decide they want to save their marriage and get outside help, marriage counselling is a waste of time.
I think Crmnsrnn should cancel rather than try to force counselling.
“I’ve decided to cancel our marriage counselling as you don’t seem invested in it. I’ve decided to get some counselling just for me to work out how I want to move forward.”
Women who agree to go to marriage counselling on the request of their husband, while actively taking steps towards separation and divorce, are not going with a view to save their marriage.
If she comes to you and says “I want to work on saving this, let’s go to counselling” - that’s a different story.
But in your case, she’s going to help cement her decision. She wants to get the counsellor to reinforce her decision to leave. And if the counsellor doesn’t give her what she wants, then she knows she can just stop going and tell her family and friends “I even tried marriage counseling, I exhausted all options.”
That’s why a wayward/walkaway spouse normally agrees to marriage counselling. It’s a win:win for them.
It’s also why veterans on this site caution people over forcing marriage counselling after a bomb drop.
Both of you should seek out IC, that’s far more likely to be successful.
As someone who went to marriage counselling sessions with 2 different counsellors in a 6 month period. I can tell you definitively, if you were the one that initiated it, it will not work, they will either tune out the counsellor if they get called out for their behaviour or they will manipulate the counsellor to make it seem like it was a both people problem. In either circumstance they will avoid actually doing the work and will see counselling as a "I tried everything i could" way to make it seem like they actually tried. My ex left our marital home during first counsellor sessions and drove to her lovers house during our 2nd when we were trying to reconcile and living together and i was home. She even continued with the marriage counselor as her solo therapist, and would apologize for things and ask me to go out with her for coffee only to ask her lover immediately after. Marriage counselling and reconciliation only works if they are wanting it, otherwise you are just giving yourself false hope
Thanks again everyone for the feedback and support.
I do have a question.
Without getting into too many details I believe my wife is suffering from mental health issues. (Sounds like I am making excuses). Last week she commented to me that 'i don't know what has happened to me - I use to be positive, had a good outlook on things....'. I, and friends would agree.
She suffered from postpartum depression.
She is also on antidepressants currently. Has been for many years.
Other concerns as well - hormone therapy etc
Part of me feels like I need to ask her to seek out help. But I have no idea how to bring it up or whether I should bring it up.
Feels like her move is an attempt to improve things (and it may I guess) but feels like she is running from having to deal with things.
Yup - I could have written this post many years ago. Its all part of the script. And she is reading the book perfectly.
You didn't break her and YOU can't fix her. No pill or any other thing is going to magically change this.
Their is one cure - TIME
Go on living your life, sorry but you spouse is lost right now.
Maybe down the road you can attract her back again but not right now.
