Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - At the name of Jesus, Satan has to flee

Thanks job for fixing my thread and the advice.
My plan was not to respond.

Strangely enough, I had no reaction. I have peace. The only explanation for that is God. I'm so glad that 2yrs ago after bomb drop I ran to the church, it was the only place I had peace, now I carry that peace with me everyday. Yes, I do have struggle days, they are far and few between. I know that no matter what happens, I'M GONNA BE OK.

I will continue to stand on the promises that God gives us on marriage. I've turned this battle over to him and I am claiming my victory. Still trusting and believing.


Previous thread.

I guess H is replaying back to when he originally filed, cause today I received his response to my response filed almost a year ago. H still doesn't want to give me spousal support, after 32yrs of marriage he thinks I deserve nothing. My atty says it's a BS offer and asked for permission to be able to remove her gloves. I told her, "you said she was a bad a$$, so be a bad a$$, remove the gloves." H chose this, so I'm not gonna make it easy on him. Just like we tell our kids, there's a consequence to every action.

Good Morning What


You’re still ok! You control you! Do not let H drag you back in.


Believe nothing he says and only half of what he does.



Because he is a mess. His emotions are all over the place. Bomb drop, and those subsequent bombs, give him a sense of power and control. Some relief. Of course, it is temporary. A false sense. His demons still torment him.

Special days stir up feelings within these folk. And lots of them do like to enact some “plan” on these dates.

September Birthday - stirs up feelings of mortality. Reminds him that he is getting older; regardless of how much he runs.

July Anniversary - another year has gone by and he is still unhappy. Mortality, lack of life’s goals, exceptionally difficult to take when one is consumed and reliving their past teenager years.

Started dating 35 years ago - oh definitely a date H would like to strike you on. Remember, H has incorrectly assigned you as the cause of his life’s ills. He is also reliving his younger years. Long ago memories swirl around his head like they were yesterday. He has troubles reconciling his time travelled “present” with the current present. He mostly “is” young H, from back in time when he was hurt and emotionally stunted. A guy who wasn’t married. H does know he is married, yet he doesn’t feel it.

Definitely do not sign anything until you have your lawyer look it over.


Yes, this is one of the most incredible facets of their transformation. They lack empathy, heck are devoid of empathy for two big reasons. One reason being way more significant than the other.

Firstly, and the smaller “big” reason, time travel. H, the MLcer, the pod person that looks and sounds like H, he is his younger self. He isn’t married, likely hasn’t even met you yet, his trauma might be before age 15. He is that young hurt kids whose parents (or other authority figure) did not protect him. Did not unconditionally love him.

This pod person H, knows his “future” life, knows you, knows he is married, etc; but he doesn’t feel it. He is running from it - the responsibilities, the reminders of age and mortality, etc. He is running from the truth.

The second, and by far bigger reason, his emotions are cranked to eleven and he has no bandwidth for anyone or anything else! Anyone else’s pain or joy or sorrow or elation, he cannot handle. Far too much pressure. H is consumed by his own torment.

My XW threw way our kids. Tossed them aside like used clothes. She turned to plants. Nurturing those. She has somewhere over 500 plants in OM’s house for the past seven years. Plants do not ask questions. Plants are pressure free.

My XW had trouble with our son’s wedding. She is displaying difficulties with the upcoming birth of our twin grandsons. She is having problems with my other son’s upcoming wedding. She is having problems with my Dad’s (her ex FIL’s) death. No do-overs on that.

Time marches on. Life continues while these Van Winkles run around in their past. Reliving, trying various do-overs. They sleep away the present. Special days, poke them to the present moment, and like Rip Van Winkle, years have gone by. Years! So much lost!

Alas, such revelations are more pressure. Most cannot handle it. Their own pain and torment being far too much. They lash out, and they run again. Some, the fortunate one’s, do start to turn and face the real.

Lack of empathy. Along with confusion and depression, is a major hallmark of midlife crisis. The lack/destruction of empathy following the path of most hurt to least. Reconnection and return of empathy follows that same path, only reversed. Least hurt to most hurt. Pets and such first, then friends, family, kids, and finally the most hurt spouse. It takes a long time for a MLCer to regain empathy for their bomb dropped spouse. They have to fix themselves first.


MLCers will and do, lie and use and gaslight and such. They are master manipulators!

I call BS on H’s saying he has no money!

H will pull on your heartstrings, speak of how you need to be empathic to his plight, all the while your water is freezing. Do not fall for his story!

I totally get not wanting to divorce. Heck, I’m a huge proponent of busting divorce. I’m also a huge proponent of:

If you need financial protection or security - Get It!

Married 32 years. You aren’t the one wanting out of the marriage. You shouldn’t be having to deal with frozen water and such. IMHO.

H will say anything. Use the legal system to his advantage. That incredible lack of empathy - it is incredulous, unbelievable, our once loving spouse turns on us (and kids and anyone else who gets in their way). See beyond the false words and the disingenuous behaviours. H lacks of empathy, H is in crisis, H will lie and coerce, H is not on team Whatlee.


Good. I do have faith in His plan.

I’ll paraphrase an interesting parable I ran across soon after my XW’s BD.



I man is within a flood. His whole village is flooding. He has climbed upon the roof of his house and the water is rising, being half ways up the walls.

A boat pulls up and the operator calls out for the man to climb aboard. The man on the roof thanks the operator for his kindness and declines his offer, saying that God will save him.

A while later the water is at the roof’s edge. Another boat with survivors comes along and the operators calls out that he has room for him. The man on the roof again thanks the operator and declines, saying that God will save him.

Time goes by, the water now at the peak of the roof, the man standing with his feet in a foot of water. Another boat arrives, the operator and other rescued folks calling him to get into the boat. The man again, declines the offer and says God will save him.

The man awakens in heaven. He is shocked. He asks God what happened? I had faith you would save me. God says, I sent you three different boats.



Ah, freewill. We decide what is and isn’t a boat. Whether we get in or let it by.

(((Hugs)))

Have a great day What.

D

Whatlee, hope you're doing well under the circumstances.

For what it's worth, I was a very open book with 4 people in my life after BD. I needed to vent and share and get advice. That number is now down to 1 and sometimes 2. I've learned so much about MLC and I've found that my sharing with people didn't render the results I expected. People don't always know what to say or how to support us. Sometimes, people want our hurt to go away and suggest that we move on. People may look at us (or even tell us) that we're delusional because what we share doesn't make sense. I can't fault them. Instead, I started questioning why I share. What do I gain from sharing?

Now, I have one person that I share near everything with. She has a strong understanding of MLC. Still shakes her head, but really tries to see it as a mental health issue. Still, there are days (including yesterday), that she suggests talking with H. I've told her that I can't control her actions but that I don't think H is ready to hear from her. To date, she's held off.

I say all this because I can hear your pain and disappointment in responses/reactions. Think through why you share/vent and make adjustments, if warranted.

You know this community understands and can give you direction, 2x4s, support, strength. You may not always hear what you want to hear, but you know we understand and can.

Hugs to you.

Whatlee,

The entire crisis from pre-crisis to post-crisis is all about him reliving his past, accepting the things that he could not change and moving forward. Replay is where they "act out". They revisit the places from childhood, they become young adults again, i.e., some even act like 2 yr olds at time. They need to relive that time in order to understand why they were either mistreated by parents or someone in authority, they didn't receive affirmation, love and or attention as they should have. They could have been emotionally and/or physically abused or had a sibling that their parents treated far better than they did the crisis person. They must go back and revisit that time and we cannot pull them out of the crisis. Why? Because if we do, they will eventually re-enter the crisis and it will be far worse.

They look at us as authority figures and...in some cases, we become their parents in their eyes. They hate authority and they do not want us to tell them what to do or not do. They do not want us telling them what is wrong with them. They think we are the problem; the marriage is the problem.

Also, in some cases, they will resent their own children because they see that the left behind spouse is treating the children well. They have a lot of anger and resentment and think that the grass is greener on the other side. It takes a lot of time for them to hit that brick wall over and over again before they hit rock bottom and start to rise again.

Listen to what he says, sift through the verbiage and you have a better idea of what is going on in his mind. Do not believe anything he says...only the actions. He will project on to you and others what he is actually doing himself. I know that you have been at this a very long time, so do not take anything he says or does personally. He is on a trip to find himself.

Keep the focus on you and your family. Dig deeper for patience. His trip is a going to be a long one.

Of course he doesn't want to give you spousal support. If they had their way, we all would be on the street with a tin cup begging for coins. They want everything they can get and leave us broke. That's not the way the legal system works and he's in for a rude awakening. There are consequences for his actions and just like a teenager, he's going to get a wakeup call because of his actions.

Your attorney can handle anything that is thrown at her and you. I think you already know this...do not discuss the legalities with him. If he wants to talk to you about it, refer him to your attorney. (I would venture to say that the ow is putting pressure on him and that's why he's come back around to this divorce situation.) I hope he doesn't drag this out. Many of them scream and kick about wanting a divorce and then drag it out and lots of money spent when it could have been over and done in a reasonable time frame.

Hang in there.

Hi Whatlee - I'm catching up today on everyone's stories. I see your H his moving towards D. I like what job noted - OW is putting pressure on H to D. H feels obligated to accommodate OW request (there may be an ultimatum thrown in there by OW). When I reflect on my H, it's a life of accommodation that has contributed to him seeking himself and the happiness his true self would bring him. He accommodated the controls/demands from parents and quickly transitioned to accommodate me/our relationship for 30 years. I saw his responses as empathetic and compromising through the years. H saw it as accommodation and not being his true self.

As you said, you are plenty more prepared than you were a year ago for the D. And a D doesn't translate to your R being over. It's merely another attempt at happiness from a life of accommodation. And the silver lining may be that you get to move into a different home situation.

Hang in there. We're here for you.

Whatlee,

I would think long and hard as to what you want. The one thing that you will not get back right now is your husband. So, I would treat this situation now as a business that has gone bust. Think about what you want. You should be entitled to half of everything. If he is so all fired up for a divorce, he may give you anything and everything you ask for. If you want the house, ask for it. You may be able to negotiate with him to buy him out at a reduced rate. Sit down and look at all of the retirement accounts and any life insurance policies you have on him.

When my xh wanted out desperately, he wanted a very small amount to buy him out of the house and at the courthouse, I also, at the last minute, wanted half of his 40lK account, since I was involved in the deposits. I got the $10,000 I asked for and he didn't blink an eye. I'm not saying take him to the cleaners, but you need to think of what you need to live on and yes, you, as his wife, are entitled to some of what has been made while married.

When they are that desperate, they will just about do anything...but be prepared...he may go back to the ow and discuss it w/her and she may advise him not to give you what you ask for. I would hold out as long as you can because at the end of the day, he just may give you what you asked for.

As I stated, you do not want your h back in the shape he is in right now. Leave him in God's hands.

Whatlee,

Yes. Our spouses have expressed this is how the FEEL...RIGHT NOW. I don't believe they are lying. The hard truth is they do not FEEL “in love” with us right now. The FEEL like they will have a better life not married to us.

Feelings are transient though. They change based on our thoughts and actions. Before you were married he did not FEEL “in love.” Then you did things together and that changed.

The word “just” implies these feelings happened out of nowhere and stand alone….they “just” happened.

They didn’t. Loving feelings come from doing loving things together over time. They disappear by not doing them. Cribbed from Dr. Hartley’s books.

I wasn’t trying to imply a sequence of things, though that can be a useful framework. Heh, this is what happens when I put thoughts down quickly and skip parts of my thoughts. We used to tell our children “NO Justs or Buts” when they talked to us. LOL. I meant that deleting the word “just” will let you see the rest of the story. The various reasons leading up to those feelings.

There may be some MLC going on (reliving lost youth or perceived missed ?).
AND
An OW will block feelings for you until that is closed off.
AND
Job loss -> depression. (Especially for men. Job and providing gives identity and purpose) AND
…

And no, my STBXW has given no indication of wanting to work on anything. Her emotions aimed at OM override everything. To the point of her remaining effectively his secret online mistress.

Your H? I don’t know.

I saved a post, somewhere, from one of the regulars. One of a bunch on what it takes for the WAS to move toward reconciling. They will have to go through the stages of loss for the OW/OM, then the stages of loss for OUR M, then will be able to do the work…IF they choose to at that point. Sobering. And why the timelines are so long.

Which leads to


https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2943650#Post2943650

g

Hello What


Two major hallmarks of MLC are depression and confusion.

A snippet from your first post:


For what it’s worth, I think H is in crisis.

Most MLCers wear a mask. They keep a pretty tight lid on overt outbursts/displays. Especially the low energy wallowing type. Just brooding alone. Depressed.

The cool, calm, and collected is a compartmentalization. A facade. A mask covering what is hidden within. Covering what H is running from. All those demons that come out to play when he lays still in bed in the dark of night.


It’s perfectly normal for you to question if H has MLC or not. Most folks around us, have absolutely no idea what MLC truly is, nor how horrible it is. We LBS often do some second guessing along our journey. With a shortage of witnesses to BD and H’s behaviours, and such a long time dim/dark, of course one starts to question.

Something I’ve often seen is binary thinking. Regarding this particular crux and other key points along an LBS path. It need not be “does H just not love me anymore” or “is it MLC”? It’s both.

A huge part of the crisis is H losing himself. His present day self. The time travel stuff, H reliving his younger years he feels he lost out on. The drinking, smoking pot, 2cell phones, etc. All those non-rational emotionally driven running behaviours.

With H acting, behaving, heck being a teenager, his love for you and his marriage gets muted. Buried. Remember, H is running and making decisions basically on emotions not intellect. Couple that with depression and you get mostly negative absolutes about things and events. As an example: H telling you that he will never feel in love with you again.

Negative absolutes are indicative of deep depression. Prognostications that they will never ever (fill in the blank), feel very real and feel like forever while embroiled in depression. Heck, I felt such things too. Eventually (hopefully) depression lifts and those depressive emotions fade and disappear.

Differing viewpoints. H is depressed and feels it is over. And you know better.

However, H cannot hear you. I mean, he really cannot fathom that his topsy turvy world is wrong. You could argue with him until blue in the face and he will not get it. He is lost in his crisis. And he needs to walk his path.

And boy oh boy, MLCers are so slow!

Remember, marathon not a sprint.

Somewhere, deep inside H, is his love for you. Sometimes we even get glimpses of our “old” spouse before the pod-person took them over.

Every MLCer is different, and every crisis is different, because every person is different. There are certainly some common crisis/MLCer traits, yet H is an individual and his crisis will be how it is due to who he is. Most posters bring the wild and crazy situations here more than the mask wearing moments. With questioning, comparing, and such, one can loose sight of the forest for the trees.

Like I said, I think you are dealing with MLC.

However, that being said, you deal with it by not dealing with it. You deal with things you can control. Focusing on you. Moving forward. Letting go. And so on.

I do understand and empathize that H’s current divorce push is stirring stuff up within you. (((Hugs))) Perfectly normal. Allow yourself to settle and you’ll find your center again.

Hang in there girl!

D

When our sitch first started H quit paying my car payment when I wouldn't do what he wanted, I hope that's not where we are now because I wouldn't agree to his response to my response.

We are still NC, haven't heard a peep from him since Feb. Don't know what he's doing or where and don't really worry abt it. I have given him to God and let it go. Not gonna lie, his brother has completely lost his ind, his job and prob his family, I hope H can see himself in his brother's action and has an AHA moment.

BTW H doesn't know I can access his acct....shhhh..LOL

Hey everybody,
It's been a minute since I've been on here. Nothing new in my world, except just like someone on here said, H has changed jobs and moved again. This makes 4 times that he's moved in 2 yrs and the second job change. Oh well I hope he finds his happiness soon. My atty has filed a motion for trial to try and get me some financial support. We'll see how that turns out. Other then that everything is good with me, I'm living life.

I am not surprised at the number of moves and job changes. They stay somewhere for a bit and then it is off to another location. They are constantly looking for something that will make them feel better about themselves. Depression has a way of clouding their judgment and they don't see the world in all colors. They see it as dark grey or black when they are in the middle of a depressive episode.

I am very happy to read that you are moving ahead and seeking financial support. Now, you will need to step back a little and allow your attorney to do the heavy lifting for you.

Whatlee,

As one of the rules of the forum, we aren't suppose to include outside links in our postings.

It's ok to stand, but do not stay in one place too long. You do not want to be stuck, i.e., like your h is right now in his rabbit hole.

You have to stay positive and have faith that God has a plan and he will decide what will happen with your h and with you. We are fixers and we want to fix everything and have our lives go back to the way they were. If and when your h wakes up, your marriage will be different. You cannot go back to the way things were. Each day will be a new beginning and with that being said, any and all changes that you have made while he is in La La Land must remain in place.

When he returns, there will be at least 12-18 months of him second guessing himself as to whether he should stay or go again. This part of the crisis will be the hardest because you will want to move on and get over it. He will ask you if you want him to go, especially when he sees you get impatient with how long it is taking for him to recommit 100%. Don't rush the process! It took a while for him to go into crisis and it will take just as long, if not longer, for him to return to earth.

As for friends and family, they mean well, but you have to remember, especially his family....you don't know what he's told them. Blood is thicker than water and they will believe everything he tells them. In most cases, they will side with him for a very long time. You won't be able to talk to them about the situation. Many of your friends will not understand what is going on. If you have a couple of good friends, talk to them. Allow them to be your sounding board. You do not need to justify yourself to anyone. You know what was real and what was memorex in your marriage.

Keep focusing on you. Listen to your lawyer. People mean well, but they do not understand until it happens to them. They are not walking a mile in your shoes.