My BD was in 2009. I joined DB in 2011. At time of bomb, D13, S11, D9, D6
What brought me here are my thought about the whole thing.
I witnessed both side. I divorced my MLCer, my friend did not.
My ex-h is really sick. Uncontrolable diabities with kidney disease. He is on the verge of dialisis. He made amand with everybody but me. He might have tried on several occasion but i shut him down quickly. Over the years, i got many unexpected calls from him proclaming he truely loves me. ( At least 15 to 20 calls) My responses were: 1 " you don' t know what love is." 2. "you love noone. Not even yourself". 3. Don' t say you love me when you have another woman in your life" 4. "Show me"
I would not have any interaction with him for months and all of a sudden, i would get these calls. He would not say anything else.. It did not make sense to me. He is still working. ( we think he might of gotten a promotion to detective at some point but we are not sure.) Our kids are now adults. Only one is attending University with 1 year left to do. All 3 older are set in their field, home owners and doing really well. I' m very proud of them. They have a relationship with their father but don' t take bs from him. Ex-h has been with W? ( lost count..lol ) for the past 5 years. Their relationship has been rocky all along.
As for me, i' m a 53 yr old empty nester who is filling the void with puppies.. I own 3 chihuahuas and a maltice- terrier. I breed 2 of my chihuahuas. I have 5 1week old puppies at the moment. I am single by choice. Not interested in any kind of relationship. My life is quiet and peaceful.
My friend' s MLCer.. She is a very good friend of mine who was also a co-worker. She opened up to me about her husband' s problem. Midlife script.. She did not know why, where it came from, how he could be like this etc.. They went to marriage councelling and stayed together. Her husband has gain a huge amount of weight, chronic depression, no interest, not a care in the world. My friend is overwelm.. wondering if she did the right thing. She does EVERYTHING as if she was alone. She gets angry at him for not assuming his responsabilities. As i said, he does not care.. Their marriage ended prior to councelling, eventho they are still together.
MLC changes everybody.. the MLCer, the left behind, the families and friends, all aspect of the life you once knew. We don' t get through it, we learn to live a different life.
I was reading other treads and it brought back some details i paid attention to in my story and others. The MLCer seem to know what he wants, when he wants it and seem to have control. They push us away than pull us abit just to push us away again. One thing i noticed is : once we put a stop to this and take control of our own life, they get scared. They do not understand why we no longer reach out to them.
If we start hanging around with other singles, they get very angry, mean or make their presence seen.. ALOT
I see this alot. I use to say: " They don' t want us but they won' t let us go."
They really want us to sit and wait.
This might make people think: MLCer made a CHOICE but you also have a CHOICE. Some want their cake and eat it to. You can wait it out with no garanty of return or you can concentrate your time on yourself. Make peace with the whole situation.
Ex-H wanted a divorce. When i gave it to him, he was very angry. Once we finalized it, he burned his copy.. He has kept my ring. ( still has it ). He visits my sister and brother-in-law regularly. Because of this, i don' t visit them much. My sister told me they were nice to him so that he would not cause me trouble.. ???
Keep in mind that i did not reach out to them when Ex-H became scary. I talked to my best friend, my lawyer, my councellor and came on here. I did not want to bring my problems to others.
Hi Exquisite, I'm rarely here these days, so just now seeing your post. It's good to read what you're up to and how your life is now.
I used to need to know the meaning or reason for something. If I could understand the why, I reasoned, then it would be easier to let it go and move on.
That's BS. My need to know was an attempt to control an outcome. Deep down I thought that if I could understand the why, then I would be better able to protect myself from it ever happening again.
That's not how life works.
I'm now someone who no longer needs to understand MLC, and I'm someone who is grateful every day that I no longer need to understand it.
It is what it is.
The gift is that I've found great peace in not needing to understand any of it.
The energy I used to spend on trying to understand it is now spent on creating what I want in life. It's been a slow process for me, but progress nonetheless.
Every magical moment of life turns into anxiety!! My separation turned my life upside down.
Maybe that is how i can help on here. To show you what life becomes after Bomb!
I would encourage you to post advice too. Honestly - there aren't many vets left anymore and I feel the lack of diversity from the advice givers sometimes holds back our newcomers from progress. Again just my .02
Whether one chooses to want to separate or save a marriage - the decision that starts both journeys is the decision to save yourself first. Choosing oneself - is probably the the most newcomers struggle with... because although it opens the door to have the WAS choose them... it also opens the doors for the WAS to NOT choose them. And that is by far - the hardest risk to take.
It is a place we all get to on our own timeline - therefore it is the part of the journey we can pass on to the next generation. I personally think that the belief there is "peace" in letting go or freedom in it - is a load of garbage. It hurts like h3ll when you accept the situation. Sure - you may feel joy in GAL or ways you choose yourself - but you are also knocked around with alot of grief that your spouse didn't make that same choice at the same time. The peace isn't instantaneous nor consistent in the beginning. I don't think self help books really dive into how uncomfortable "letting go" is in the beginning.
I say that only to show that this is how I have chosen to pay it forward. To let newcomers know that it doesn't feel good to choose yourself sometimes. It's scary, painful, can cause arguments, or venom spewing - and yet... still be the right decision.
Letting go feels like sh!t before it feels good - that's my message based on my individual experience.
And perhaps you can find yours too. But don't think that because you chose to save yourself doesn't mean that what you bring to table wouldn't be pro-marriage.
In fact - it was the very message the ole guard use to say. Saving yourself is the best chance one ever has at saving their marriage.
And the newcomers need alot of guidance on what "saving yourself" actually means. Your voice can be just another "way" to do that.
