Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - Blindsided 2

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2948947#Post2948947

Ive been struggling with depression today. i keep going back to the night before my wife said she was divorcing me. we had an argument about christmas cards, every year we give each other christmas cards. she knew that I had already filled out my card and we both usually write a personal letter inside the card. she hadn't filled hers out and i asked her about it since it was 2 days after christmas and she started complaining about giving each other christmas cards that it was unnecessary. she then said she wasnt going to fill out my card because it wouldnt be a good card in her current mood and said she needed to be alone and stormed off upstairs. Im very intuitive and i felt something was off for 2 months so i followed her upstairs.

i need to note that i suffer from panic disorder and my anxiety was off the charts because of her behavior for the past 2 months. I needed answers because i couldnt take the lack of communication from her. I asked her if we were ok and she said yes, clearly a lie.

I know it doesnt matter now because its the past but i wonder where would i be at right now if we dint have that argument. more then likely right where im at now only at a later date. I keep putting the blame on myself even though i know it shouldn't be.

I feel like im living in a hotel room in my new apartment. it doesnt feel like home. I know its going to take time. I feel like a alcoholic trying not to drink with a bottle of whisky in front of me. my wife being the whisky. I keep wanting to talk to her and wonder what shes doing when the kids arent there. Im not going to call her and im trying not to think about her.

aphexx,

You have to try to stay busy. Idle time and an unoccupied mind are your biggest threats right now. The posters that have traditionally struggled the most have done GAL the worst. They would sit doing nothing large parts of the day, and then come here and talk about how much they struggle.

Stay busy. Occupy body and mind as much as possible. Get out and hang with friends, read and focus on learning new things. Exercise. Any minute you are sitting doing nothing gives your mind the opportunity to wander and start thinking about things you shouldn't.

Remember, struggling is a choice you get to make. Choosing to stay busy is how you choose not to struggle. It's within your control!

Yup I relate...GAL helps. One thing that helped me was making my new place "Manly".

I have been going to "estate sales" lately and getting great prices on cool things. Even if I don't find anything, socializing with the people is fun.

Offhand, I don't remember when your BD was. By reading your post, it sounds like it may have been more recently that you learned about your W's struggles. The card incident was purely the 'straw that broke the camels back'. If it weren't the card, it would've been something else that set her off. My BD was just over a year ago and I still have tough days (including today). I've learned so much and I'm not going to lie, I still feel at a loss at some point in most days. Still struggling to drop the rope and let him be God's to work through. It's hard to stop loving someone you've loved everyday for decades...and, mostly to stop loving them like we have for decades. Loving my H now is from afar. I love him by giving him space while watching him drink and use and in deep depression - but I've learned through trials and errors that I can't help him. It hurts to watch but know that it isn't your fight. It isn't your battle. I try to read about MLC and expected behaviors. That helps me realize that what he's going through is 'normal'. I also have signed onto many Instagramers who preach and explain bible verses. They inspire me and get me through. Taking walks with or without dogs help. Breathing fresh air is actually refreshing...really odd to think but these things work for me. I even got a second job just to get out of the house (and my head).

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I'm sending prayers your way.

Im in a similar phase to you and i think the acceptance and not wanting her has come to me more as ive stopped letting her manipulate me and set boundaries and deadlines. Following what shes doing has also desensitized me from her as all i see is a loser who is repeating the same bad behaviours and is doubling down on her mistakes. Indiffirence grows when you realize how much of yourself you are losing to someone who couldnt care less.

Do not in any way go actively looking for anyone at the moment, it will set you back, figure yourself out, figure out what your non negotiable values and morals are, expand your personality and use your inner self and the person that makes you valuable to you as a strength. Build yourself back up but stay true to yourself.

From personal experience, ive started feeling better from being in a better mood, being more physically fit and it shows to others, being able to make small talk with strangers and getting compliments does wonders for your confidence, but take your time and be patient with yourself. Someone will come along and show up in your life when you are ready, and being ready will improve your chances for a successful healthy relationship


Just remember something, despite everything, when things started going in the wrong direction and you went through pain and mistreatment, do you feel better now alone and knowing you have been and are doing the right things or did you feel better when you were doing the right things and being disrespected and devalued?

Best would have been no response. Next option would be a simple "I understand" and then crickets. Another option: "It does feel off. Take as much time as you need"


Go to a busy coffee shop and sit near a couple women talking. Just listen to HOW they talk. Most of the conversations are relating to each others emotional states.


Learn to be a listener and DO NOT TRY TO FIX things. IE "I reminded her" is trying to fix things statement.


So everything I just said is me being a man and "fixing things".


This is more of a validation statement I could have used:
"I am sorry you are going through this. It must be confusing ( or frustrating). Is that how you feel?"

so this is a ruff week. the divorce will be finalized Thursday. I've been trying to stay busy and GAL but I'm still struggling with acceptance. I'm having a hard time accepting my new life. I keep thinking of the good days and wishing i could get that back somehow. I know its over and the good days with her will never return. part of me has been hoping she would change her mind and that the divorce would be canceled. I told my councilor that i know that's a foolish thought because even if we did get back together I wouldn't be able to trust her and i would be worried about if she would end things again. my councilor suggested I write a list of reasons I shouldn't be with her and so far I've come up with 24. we are also working on me finding anchors because i feel like I'm floating in the middle of the ocean lost at sea. the loneliness [censored]! I'm tired of feeling pain.

I don't want to think about her anymore. this may sound harsh but i don't want to care about her anymore. I miss my family we had and i was really close to her kids. and it kills me that she could throw me and my daughter away so easily like yesterdays trash.

my goals are to stay busy and keep trying to GAL. did anyone struggle with acceptance? if so what helped? also I'm struggling with the thought of her being with someone else. I'm not sure if she is or not but it makes me sick to my stomach when the thought pops in my head. i immediately start to thing of better things when that thought comes to mind but it still stings.

I'm still in a battle with thoughts of I'll never be happy again, I'm going to be alone forever and I'm to broken to be fixed. I counter with I will be happy again, I will find somebody that's right for me and I am fixable. the fight is tiresome and I lose the fight some days.

During this process, I learned to reframe things. Definately 2 things in this statement that can be reframed.

Have you watch LFA videos on youtube?

Good Morning aph


“But….”

Oh the infamous “but”. Justification, exception to the rule, reason to ignore and do/continue what one knows runs counter to their best interests.

I’ve seen many folks, here and IRL, jump into another relationship far too soon. The rush of infatuation and endorphins mistaken for acceptance and leading one to cease their difficult and necessary inner work. That pause is temporary. At some point all that stuff not processed and grieved does takes hold again. Being wrapped up in a new relationship makes it all the more harder and usually compounds one’s inner work with a barrage of other events and feeling and such. Or even more significant like a proposal or marriage or child, when one is still not healed.

One year past the signing and the courts accepting the divorce is, IMHO, the minimum I’d recommend before jumping back into the pool. So much gets stirred up in us during: BD, break up, separation, negotiation, divorce drafts, divorce agreement signed, divorce signed by courts, and finally being divorced. Each of those has their own slew of problems, feelings, pains, hurts, and so on. All take time to get through. And really cannot be rushed, only deferred.

You need only look back 60 days to recall being adrift. Lost. Hurt.

You have made significant progress with your grief. Your counselling is helping rather well methinks.


I suspect you have obtained more than a taste of indifference towards XW. Indifference is a strange thing. Such a numbness, an attenuation of one’s feelings. Yet one must be cautious for nature abhors a vacuum. Other emotions will loom and appear much larger than they are in the void of what once was.

Indifference is a time, an opportunity, for one to take stock of themselves free from the emotional cacophony of their spouse/ex-spouse. A golden opportunity for one’s inner work while indifferent to the words and behaviours of their once loving partner.

Indifference, like all feelings, is temporary. It will unwind. Old feelings do return. Along with a bunch of new ones.

At least one year, of sincere work. Know thy self, before bringing another soul into a relationship.

My two cents.

D

Good Morning aph

Yes, things will be tough again for a while with the divorce becoming finalized. Change, new feelings, need to be grieved and accepted.



Bargaining. (((Hugs)))


Yep. You know. It takes longer for our heart/feelings to figure that out. Acceptance is emotional understanding.


Not foolish at all. Perfectly normal. And quite healthy.

Having a part of you hoping she’d change her mind shows you’re not in denial. Shows you understand and are working towards acceptance thereof.

Writing of a list of reasons is a good idea. It utilizes your intellectual side, focuses on rationalizing, all of which helps influence, encourage, and reinforce positive progress on the emotional side of your equation.


It’s ok. Truly it is.

Yes, floating, adrift, directionless, I’ve been there.


What helped:

Small steps. Accept that acceptance takes a while. Accept that it is a struggle.


Absolutely it stings. You bet.

You’ve got to make peace with that.


Fighting begets fighting.

Yield to your feelings instead of fighting them.

That’s yield and validate your feelings, not succumb to them.

Today, you feel that sting of her being with another. Perfectly normal responses you are having btw.

Today, you feel very broken and nearly unrepairable.

Today, you feel like you’ll never be happy again.

Feel it. Acknowledge it. And let it wash over you.

Scheduling times to feel, a few such sessions a day makes that process more convenient and better prevents unwanted emotional stirrings/outbursts throughout the day. Say, 5 to 10 minutes in the morning, lunch break, after supper, and in the evening. Eventually the needed amount of time and number of sessions decreases until you’ll require zero.

Like I said, fighting begets fighting. Come at this, at yourself, sideways. Not a head-on attack. After all, you are too formidable of an opponent.

Sit with your feelings, for a predetermined time, and listen to what they are telling you. After the scheduled time, wipe your eyes, and go about your day. Your subconscious mind will still be churning away, yet you have purposefully released the built up pressure.



Today, you feel ______.

Some tomorrow, you’ll discover why. And the process takes another small step forward.


Today, you feel ______.

Some tomorrow, you will feel different.


I struggled. I didn’t battle and vanquish my demons. I sat down and made peace with them. They are still with me, since they are a part of me. Accepting our pain, our self, is the process of grief and finding acceptance.


I understand and empathize. I really do get it. My kids and I were thrown away too.

Indifference will come. You will experience not caring so much. And with that, comes the realization that your journey has little to actually do with her. It’s about you.

Your grief - anger, bargaining, depression - is about you. W is just a trigger, the event. It’s your loss you are grieving. Not her.

Your focus on her and her actions is part of the process, yet it delays things. Perfectly normal by the way. We need to go through it. Just realize, it’s a step. Part of your journey. Another reason to focus on you.

D

Hello aph

I understand and empathize with the consuming depression and the feelings of utter despair. You will get through it. (((Hugs)))


Do realize depression will drag your feelings around, darken them, make you feel defeated. Feelings are valid, however they are not facts.

Yes, finding and starting a new job/career is difficult. And at age 52, more so. Make a resume. Your education and work experience. Get it organized and listed. Illustrate your skill sets and knowledge base. Ensure you are prepared.

I’d consider seeking employment help with firms that specialize in that area. Job banks or recruiting firms should be able to match you with potential employers.

Looking for employment opportunities in technical circulations and publications may yield opportunities. Talking with peers within the tech realm might lead to useful intel of a company or business looking to hire as well.


By putting one foot in front of the other. You get through it, by getting through it. Act as if, as needed.

Cry and such as needed as well.

It’s a sad and dark ride. Yet there is a light. Know this. Hang on to that knowledge, for you won’t feel like it.

Depression, grief, takes as long as it takes. The clouds will part when they are meant to. And not one second earlier. Keep slogging your way.

Schedule those times to allow yourself to feel. Set a time limit. Then on to something else. The GAL stuff.

Holiday specific advice. Go easy on yourself. It’s ok to not have the decoration all top notch the first year or two. Gosh, my first Christmas compared to now. Ha, I’ve come a very far way!

The first Christmas, all first holidays and special days, is tough. The second go around, things are easier.

My first Christmas my daughter mostly decorated.

It was difficult finding and giving gifts when I felt so gutted. I mostly went on some kind of autopilot.


I hear you man.

It’s a heck of a loss. One you find acceptance of.

Your definition of family will change. You and daughter. Family. Cherish the holiday together.

Believe me, it gets better. The life I live now, I could not imagine after BD and those first holiday times. Yet, here I am. And my life is great!

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Do that inner work. Discover who you are. Why you are.

Categorize. Organize. You. Your values. Your tenets. Then, strengthen that which serves, craft that which you aspire to, and alter/discard that which does not or no longer serves. Become the best version of you.

All journeys are made of small steps. Many wee steps. Just keep taking them. Keep moving forward. It accumulates and compounds.

A few steps I’d suggest:


Good on seeing a therapist. Keep walking those steps.


See a financial planner. To me it sounds like you might need to make an alteration to your accommodations. A planner can help you flesh out your financial picture and a sustainable budget.

This acquiring of knowledge regarding your finances will help alleviate your feelings. Either things are not as dire as you feel, or you are going to take rational action to head off disaster. Decision making and enacting based on and from the intellectual realm, is always helpful.

Hang in there.

D

I can speak to this some. For my company I was the task lead (for five years) of our team of 10+ providing engineering and technical expertise to a high-speed government office. I was responsible for hiring approvals. Because of need, we ended up with three cyber security personnel on our team.

We follow the qualifications listed by role if you look up: DoD Approved 8570 Baseline Certifications.

Don't feel defeated. You have life skills as much if not more important. The degrees and certs are qualifiers yes, but not the most important things. For me, in candidate evaluations: A cyber security certificate was just an entry qualifier. A degree was not required, but indicated some additional theoretical knowledge was likely. Neither one shows the person I was considering is actually competent at their job we are hiring for. Someone who is 52 will likely:

- know how to operate as part of my team,
- they will know how to get things done independently,
- they will be able to independently solve the cybersecurity process problems for me...reaching out to others as needed,
- they will know when to come to me to fix something and when to go out / independently learn on their own when they can do it themselves,
- they will be able to figure out how to pick up new knowledge when needed without me holding their hand,
- they know how to network laterally with their job peers and up/down as needed.

All these things are more important than certs. I could send almost anyone to get certs.

Start applying. Talk to how you can work on solving your team's and your boss's cyber security problems. That is what they care about. Not your certs or degrees.


For me, it has been a very odd feeling as I have switched all my emergency contacts to D19.

g