Well it's been a few weeks. Not much new to report. I did go out with the girl I met on New Years. Just met for a quick drink. Maybe she was lying, but she had more issues and drama going on than I did. We haven't seen each other since and that's fine.
I've still been really busy doing stuff around the house, and son has been spending like 5 out of 7 nights with me. Although W moved into her townhouse this weekend, so we'll start following our custody schedule now. Days/nights I don't have him are kinda lonely. Despite staying busy, winter [censored] and there simply isn't a lot to do.
I've seen XW a few times (wrestling tournaments, drop offs, etc). We're friendly with each other, but I really have no feelings towards her anymore. I can't believe how well our son seems to be handling this. IDK if he ever says anything to her, but he really never mentions the D to me. But I know he feels guilty if he doesn't see one of us for a day or two.
Hi everyone. Wow, hard to believe it's been over 3 months since I've posted. Life's been crazy I guess. Just wanted to check in and say hello.
Overall things have been pretty good. I've been dating a girl for a few months now. She's been great. Almost a 180 from XW. She's supportive, physically into me, sweet, etc. It does bother her that we only get to see each other a day or two a week, mostly due to my son. But for now, that's like perfect for me. Not sure I could or would commit to much more at this time. I tore my MCL playing baseball, but still trying to play through it. lol. She's came to every game to watch. XW I think came to 3 games in 10 years.
Son is busy with football now, plus wrestling practices. He's seemingly adjusted to everything pretty well. He does seem a little sad at times, but that's to be expected I guess. I typically have him more than 50% of the time. It was great in the summer, since at my house he can swim, ride bikes, shoot hoops, etc etc.
XW and I continue to coparent pretty well I think. She's still very uninvolved with his sports. He's had 4 football games, and she hasn't made any of them. Hasn't come to any meetings, parents nights, hasn't volunteered with anything. Always 'busy' with work, sick, or whatever other excuse she can come up with. She still texts me usually every day. 95% of the time it's related to our son, but the last few weeks she's texted a few times about stupid small talk crap. I rarely reply, and if I do it's a one word answer.
I unfriended her on facebook the day of the divorce. A friend and I were out for drinks last week, and he said she's posted a few things on her page about how the dating market [censored], how hard it is being a single parent, etc. lol. Apparently she was too dumb to realize all that last year. Whatever. She's aware of me involved with this new girl, and has made a few snide comments about it to mutual friends. Nothing nasty, just stuff like 'well that didn't take long', 'he sure moved on quick', etc
Anyhow, that's about it for now. Sorry I've been MIA, but I'm going to be around more often. Hope everyone is well.
Actually you should take your under age son to the store to pick out a small gift. She will likely return the favor on your birthday. Then you don’t put your son in a tough spot where he has nothing for his mom on her birthday. Always put your kids well being first.
Yes, it’s normal to miss the way things, and who we once, were. The new routine, the new house, all takes time to become one’s now norm. Change, letting go, grieving of one’s old life and acceptance of one’s new, takes time.
Keep moving forward. Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. Find you, forge you, in this new landscape.
And do be gentle on yourself. There is grief with all this change. Bargaining. Depression. No magical way through it. No fast track. One can de-track themselves, only deferring until again later on. Lessons unlearnt, do and will repeat. Best to do it right/well the first time.
What did your custody schedule end up being?
Does son have a set of his stuff at your house? Toothbrush, comb, clothes, shoes, coats, game system, etc; so there is less “moving”; less living out of a suitcase. Some items, the game system for example, might take a while to have one in each of his houses.
His houses.
An interesting comment from some kids of a divorced coworker. Years ago, the four of us - him, I, and his kids - were out for a pizza supper. The two sisters, 5 and 8 years old, said they had two bedrooms. I commented, oh you each have your own room, thinking how big a house they live in. They replied, no we both have two bedrooms: one at Dad’s home, and one at Mom’s home. We have two homes.
I was profoundly struck at how well adapted and accepting that view is. How much more easily children “can” accept. They simply have two homes.
I found that first year to be tough. And kids do as well. All those special dates, the first Christmas, birthday, new years, valentines, etc; after BD, then after separation, then after divorce. Well, a few first “first” ones, right?
Such is grief. We grieve the loss of our old normal and find acceptance of our new normal.
I experienced a likewise depression and “firsts” after the death of my grandparents years ago, and now, present day, my cousin as well. And will again with my parents and other losses. It’s perfectly healthy and normal. Not a complete list of my losses by any stretch, just illustrating the similarity of the grief process is all. The amplitude and duration of one’s grief, ah, that is/was quite a bit larger for the martial situation.
Life is full of loss/change events and the corresponding grief. Even positive change, example retirement, has a loss component. Loss of camaraderie, loss of routine, loss of idiot bosses (haha), and so on. Some losses are much quicker to find acceptance with.
Big stuff like divorce, my advice is no major changes for one year. Let all those firsts be assimilated and experienced. Let all that settle. That’s one year after signing and stamped by the courts. A year for the ink to dry. Signed and finalized is definitely new/different/more than legally separated.
Originally Posted by Terapin
My mental state has been pretty good I guess. I still find myself thinking about XW a lot. Not really missing her, but just missing the former life.
Yep.
Coming up on seven years and I still think of my XW. She’s the mother of our children. We were together for 31 years. We didn’t/don’t even coparent, like you are doing. I had sole custody.
You don’t forget. You find peace with it.
As in: My mental state is good. Really good. I do think about XW every now and then. I do miss her, and the life I had. I absolutely love the life I do have!
There is not buts about it. No “buts”, no justifications, no building exceptions to the rule. I just live it.
Acceptance, peace, contentment, it comes. It takes time. One day you simply realize it. No I guess, no buts, just are, just is.
Same for dating, or being ready to. Discover you before discovering someone else. There will be no guesswork when you are truly ready.
Hi folks. Hope you're all well! It's been almost 2 months since my last post, so thought I'd just check in with everyone.
Life is rolling along. XW and I continue to coparent reasonably well. Son has been doing fine, although it still bothers him going back and forth, and not really having a set schedule. He also seems a little bummed out that in a few weeks it'll be his first birthday since the D.
My mental state has been pretty good I guess. I still find myself thinking about XW a lot. Not really missing her, but just missing the former life. I suppose the first year is the hardest, since every date/event now is the 'first time' (birthdays, 4th of July, etc).
I've been seeing a girl that last month or two. It isn't/wasn't serious. We haven't had sex or anything yet. But things are progressing. Sometimes I feel a little too quickly. But she's really cool, understanding, and most importantly, seems to really like me.
Two of my best friends (husband and wife), and my brother and his gf have booked a cruise over New Years. They've begged me to go with them, and have mentioned it several times to the girl I'm seeing. She is totally into it. That's good, but a little scary. We still have several months to see what happens.
