Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - Runaway remorse

Hello. I'm very grateful that the book and forum exist. The following is a post I submitted to the r/marriage subreddit 8 days ago looking for advice/ answers. That's where I first heard about the DB book. I wish I had read it sooner. None of my methods were in alignment with the book. What follows is my story. I've recently committed to the DB way. Everything I was doing didn't seem to help at all. So here I am. Eager to learn. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this. Any input, thoughts, feedback, or words of encouragement will be greatly appreciated. It's been rough.


My (45m) wife (33f) left me 7 months ago. We have been married for 10.5 years. We met online and Skyped for nearly a year before meeting in person. She's Filipina from the Philippines. She is my second wife. I was first married when I was 23. My first wife was a 21 yr old white female (rule out neckbeard/ asian fetish). My first marriage lasted 3 yrs. I should not have married her. I was not even close to mature enough. I was a controlling, manipulative a-hole. I went into therapy after our divorce and learned a lot about myself and faced my issues. It helped a lot. It made me a better person, but maybe not a better person in a relationship if that makes sense. I was also diagnosed with ADHD at that time. I didn't want to take amphetamines, and I didn't really buy into the diagnosis. It made sense for kids, but adults? I also have a BS in psychology. I had multiple relationships between my divorce and meeting my current wife. They typically didn't last longer than a year. I dumped and got dumped. I got ghosted once. It hurt.

Then I met my wife. She is the kindest most beautiful woman that I have ever met. I had no expectations for our future. She lived 90 mins north of Manila (Pampanga). I had been a Navy Corpsman that did my entire enlistment with the Marine Corps in Camp LeJeune and Guantanamo Bay. I had heard a million stories about Filipinas, Koreans, Japanese girls, etc. I grew up in a small town in north central Minnesota pop. 2200. I had no experience with any Asian culture, or people of any color for that matter. My ex wife was from a neighboring town of 1000. After meeting my current wife on Yahoo, we would Skype every day for a few hours. The age difference is what it is. I wasn't looking for a woman her age. It just happened (fire away) I wasn't super mature myself, and look 15- 20 yrs younger than my age. She was very inexperienced. I had a few manwhore years after the divorce, and was on the opposite end of the experience spectrum. I come from a family of high functioning alcoholics, and the military helped me to become a competitive black out drinker. I nearly died from alcohol poisoning on multiple occasions. I wasn't known for making the best decisions regarding intimacy whilst intoxicated. Thank the lord I quit drinking shortly after getting married to my current and 2nd wife.

I flew over to meet her after 9ish months of daily Skyping. She never asked me for money. In that time period, I gave her $50 one time because her 3 yr old nephew was super sick and her sister didn't have the money to take him to a private hospital. She only lied to me once about having a job at a store in the mall when she wasn't working (I called the store to surprise her and they had no idea who I was talking about}. I trusted her. She didn't drink, smoke, gamble, hadn't had sex, etc. Her older sister was the wild child that did all of the above and was harshly punished by their father. We met in Manila. It was magical, as if it were meant to be. We bounced around to Palawan, Boracay, Bohol, and then we met her family. It went great. I loved them, they loved me. I proposed, she accepted.

I flew back to Seattle, filled out the K1 Fiance paperwork. It gets approved, she flies here, and we get married. I get her driving lessons and a car when she got her license. She wanted to work. So, she got a job at a Goodwill not far from my condo to work on perfecting her English. She is an incredibly hard worker. She is also amazing at following rules. For example, if she was in the break room, sitting next to coworkers that were gossiping, she would get up and go sit in a different area. She was employee of the month nearly every month. I encouraged her to climb the ladder.... supervisor then assistant manager etc. I should also mention that I am a surgical assistant that used to specialize in cardiac surgery. Now I work with babies (L&D)and boobies (cosmetic/ plastic). I make150-200k yearly. She didn't have to work, but I wanted her to be happy. She eventually tried a couple other jobs and ended up working at a Costco not far from our house. I had been working a bunch to save up for a house. We got out of the rented condo and into a nice 3bdrm 3 ba home on an acre at a great price 7 yrs ago. Then Covid. Now we couldn't go back to visit her family even if we wanted to.

We used to go back and visit her family every year for a couple of weeks and travel all around the Philippines. I am basically not in touch with my family at all. My father died from an alcohol related stroke 4 years ago. So, I really love her family. They are wonderful people. They never ask me for anything, but I always try to help. Whether it's buying them a van, paying private school tuition for a cousin whose father died, or finding a place for her mom to get a colonoscopy. We would pack an entire suitcase with Costco candy bars to give to all the kids in the neighborhood. I have made plenty of bad decisions in my past, but I genuinely do my best to bring joy to the lives of others.

I quit drinking shortly we got married, quit smoking a few years later, and I haven't really been into drugs. However, I did listen to a podcast about spirituality and psychedelics that affected me (Sam Harris on Tim Ferris). So, I grew some magic mushrooms. I always did them alone while my wife was working. It was interesting. Changed my perspective a little. She tried microdosing, but wasn't into it. She also worried about the legality. I'm in Washington state and pscyh possession has been decriminalized in some areas. I told her that it was low risk. Then I learned about DMT. I tried to make some. That involves chemistry lab stuff and appears sketchy. She doesn't like it. When asked what happens if the police show up? I tell her that I am probably in some trouble but not a lot. I am not trying to sell anything. It's just for me, and only her and I knew about it.

However, our communication has been poor since we got married. I was with the Marine Corps, and I spent many years working with super alpha cardiac surgeons.... so, I am a very direct communicator (to some probably dickish). My is the polar opposite. She is a very kind, sweet, passive person. Even though our styles are opposite, I felt they were complementary.

I am not natively empathetic. Example- we are moving into our new house. I am backing up the U Haul, and I tell her to put her arm up and yell "Stop" when I am close to the house. She is looking at the house and not the roof. So, I plow into the roof and crush the gutter on the first day of owning our house. I am shocked and say/ kinda yell but not scream "Babe! Oh my god!!! What happened?!?! Weren't you paying attention????" Then she looks at me and tears start falling from both her eyes. It's making me tear up thinking about it. I felt so terrible. I never ever want her to be sad. My bossy/ direct style made it really hard for me to communicate because she naturally would respond emotionally and I wasn't good with emotions. So, eventually I stopped saying things. And I found out later that she was afraid to say things. Then we didn't talk much at all. The downward spiral begins.

Sex was now non-existent. Dead bedroom. Our sex life hadn't ever been great. I wanted to go slowly. I wasn't as good of a teacher as I thought I would be. I couldn't remember having sex sober. Yikes! Neither of us knew what to do. We both want kids. My testosterone was low, and I had a prescription. I stopped taking it to start trying to have a baby, then the machinery wouldn't cooperate. That does quite a number on a man's mind. It was awkward at best. Vitamin V didn't work on me. In retrospect we should have started counseling then. Instead, we read John Gottman, and the Love Language books. We both want kids, but we'd become more like roommates. And since Covid, her sister had another kid, her youngest brother got married and had 2 kids that she had never met! She talked about leaving and going back to the Philippines. I didn't want her to go, but I wasn't happy either. So, my solution was working 6-7 days a week. They gave her a crazy schedule at Costco. I told her to give her notice if they wouldn't give her a normal schedule. She had been employee of the month multiple times. They didn't budge. So she quit. She stayed at home and did gardening for 15 months prior to her leaving. She had 2 primary friends that she hung out with. She stopped talking to both of them around this time. So she hung out with our 2 dogs, and would video chat with her family for 3-4 hrs every day. She was becoming clinically depressed. I was working 2 jobs and only had Thursday off. I would spend the day off in bed. I was also super depressed. I tried LSD to get me out of it. I only did it once and it was amazing but didn't affect my dying marriage. I told my wife to plan a vacation, get concert tickets, anything.... she didn't. Things are not getting better. She told her mom I didn't want to have sex with her (not true). So, her mom said "maybe we weren't meant to be together". To my wife, this was her mom giving her permission to leave me, but it's a lie. My wife is the sexiest woman on the planet. I want to have as many kids as we can afford with her. I want her to be the mother of my children. She will be an amazing mother. It's what we both want more than anything. That seems so far away now. Our 10 year anniversary was 6 weeks after she left.

It turns out adult ADHD is pretty real, and I have it. I was just not diagnosed as a kid because it was a newish diagnosis back then, and I was in a very small town. I had been self-medicating forever. I used to drink 4-5 cans of coke, smoke a pack of cigs daily, and drink 2-3 Costco 5hr energy drinks. That wasn't super healthy. So, I tried Kratom. I loved it. My wife was unimpressed with me buying a couple kilos and weighing out my daily 3.5gm dose to mix with some organic OJ. I have always been into Nootropics/ supplements etc. I like longevity podcasts and science. So, when the guy that sold me the LSD (which I thoroughly reagent tested before taking) had some Bromantane (a mild stimulant more powerful than caffeine, but less than Adderall, and is used to treat ADHD) for sale, I CashApped the $$ and got 30. Little did I know that it was not the stimulant Bromantane, but the powerful benzodiazepine Bromazolam. I have never taken opiates before. So, I took one and had a drug induced psychosis that lasts 36hrs. I have no memory of the events that took place in that time period. I only have the super hurtful texts I sent to my mother and sister as evidence, and the testimony of my wife. Not good. Took pill Wednesday afternoon, remember waking up to the hospital calling me at 11am, 4 hours late for work. I had multiple scrapes and bruises on my body. My wife said that I was naked the entire time (not the norm) and had fallen down the stairs multiple times. She wanted to call 911 but didn't because of the chemistry set I still had in the garage. I apparently said many horrible things to everyone, I called my mom and told her what a whore she was. Told my sister what a bitch she was and how I couldn't stand her. All that pales in comparison with me telling my wife that if she ever left me "I would hunt her down and kill her and the dogs." Oof and Yikes! It makes me nauseous typing those words. When she told me that, I started to cry. I felt beyond terrible. I apologized and apologized. I asked if I did anything like get a knife, gun, or any kind of weapon. She said no. She said I asked to take a picture of the steak she cooked me. I said "Huh?" Then she showed me a picture of a steak on her phone. I don't remember a steak or any of the above. I love my wife and dogs more than anything. I was freaked out. She was freaked out. I started counseling via the BetterHelp app the next day. I hadn't blacked out in 20 yrs. My wife and I were terrible communicators but had no history of any physical threats, acts of mailce, or murderous intentions. Ugh. She slept in the guest bedroom. I tried to give her space. We would talk about stuff. I would cry and feel bad. I knew she was hurt. I didn't understand how she was taking it so seriously when my behavior was so bizarre, but her feelings were real. I could see it in her eyes. Accident or not, that's [censored] up and my fault. Nothing even remotely close to that level of crazy had ever happened in the 10+ yrs that we had been together. She texted me that she wanted to leave and asked me to give the dogs lots of love. It feels like my heart is breaking all over again as I type this. She loved the dogs more than anything. Probably more than she loved me. I started crying and couldn't stop. I got down on my knees and begged her to stay. I don't think my wife had ever seen me cry before this. The next day I showed her the email receipt for the Bromantane and the updated webpage where it was now Bromazolam. I thought she had to have been around drunken uncles or her dad saying all kinds of nonsense while intoxicated. I apologized again and again. She was also super sick for a number of weeks leading up to this with a respiratory infection that wouldn't go away. She wasn't well physically and now mentally. I know now that she had been thinking about and planning to leave me for weeks maybe even months before this. We talked about her staying with a friend, maybe my mom. Instead, I came home from work on a Sunday night 3 weeks later and she was gone, but she didn't take the dogs.

She left her keys, her car, all the debit/ credit cards and a note saying she needed some space and she didn't take any of my money. I know now that my wife is now a runaway bride. It [censored] that I had no idea there was such a thing. Her note didn't mention divorce or being done. We still texted each other. I have a bunch of Blink security cameras in and around the house that she would watch and talk to the dogs and me. I continued therapy, learned about my feelings and needs, how to express them, etc. I read and learned about non-violent communication, attachment theory, Brene Brown, etc. I would share some of the things I learned with my wife. She did the attachment test. I'm anxious, and she's avoidant. Bad combo. I completed two different online anger management courses that my therapist thought might be helpful , and they were. I respect her space. I don't ask where she is. She tells me she is working at a Daycare, lives alone, and works 7 days a week. Her physical health is not improving. She has total body rashes that won't go away, and rectal pain from her period that's so bad she can't walk. I tell her to go to an urgent care. She does. I get the bill from my insurance, and the provider is in Ohio. I ask her. She does a USPS change of address. She agrees to couples therapy. We both show up virtually. Then says that the time doesn't work. I find a new therapist. We both show up. The therapist is great! Next I do a session alone. Then she does a session alone. The therapist emails me saying that my wife isn't ready to continue. That she is still trying to figure out what she wants from our relationship, etc. I ask for another appointment. Initially we agreed on total transparency when we started with this therapist. The intake questionnaire was lengthy and asked lots of specific questions. In the follow up session I asked if she wanted a divorce? Therapist said no. I asked if there was another romantic interest? She said I had nothing to worry about there.

That was the first week of November, two months ago. I don't know what to do? I take full ownership of being completely ignorant of her feelings. I knew things were not great. I was not opposed to a separation period to reevaluate. However, it has gone on much longer than I expected. I love my wife. She is the most amazing person I have ever met. I describe her as "if a goddess and an angel had a baby" - that's my wife. I think I should wait. My therapist thinks that's not super healthy. She is treating me like I don't exist. She asks about the dogs, but doesn't want to video chat with them or me. Rarely asks about me or my life. One of my closest male friends committed suicide 3 weeks ago. So, I was really emotional and asked her to please come home. I'm so sorry, etc etc. I know it might have come across as needy and lame. I sent more texts than I needed to. However, she sends me an email that's pretty messed up saying I was a shitty person, I took advantage of her, now she had PTSD, I hadn't changed at all, why should she come home, the only thing that changed was the ADHD (which I had never told her about being previously diagnosed because I didn't think it mattered). It was pretty hurtful. After reading it, I knew there was no way she had written it. Perfect grammar and not a single spelling error. So, I text her that I appreciated all the effort that went into the email, but that I know she didn't write it. I also said that if she genuinely felt what was in the email was true that we should talk about it face to face, video chat, or go back to therapy. In my opinion, texting is not how you handle life altering decisions. She responded, via, text, that her therapist wrote it and she agreed with it 100% and she didn't want to video chat or talk about it. If I had questions that I should email them. However, she doesn't mention divorce or ending our marriage at all. I forwarded the email to my therapist and he agreed that it was not written by a therapist. Lots of blame and accusations with no ownership or "I" statements. My therapist and a couple other friends in the mental health world all agreed that the email is very confusing.

In the email, she lists her primary complaints - being ignored, my starting not finishing house projects, my being disorganized, how I am easily frustrated, and impulsive spending. Those are all ADHD symptoms that I am working on. When she told me that she didn't feel safe, it was very confusing to me. I was her protector. I had been a soldier and own a couple of guns. Did that make her feel safe or unsafe? I am still not sure if it was because of me or the psychedelic experimentation. Sadly, it feels like it was mostly me. It feels super bad when the one you love and want to protect doesn't feel safe because of you. I'm still genuinely confused. How did it get to this point? I know everything isn't my fault. I feel guilty as hell. In the 11 yrs together, I can think of less than a handful of arguments. We never called each other names or made threats. She would give the silent treatment, or I would ignore her and work more. Both not healthy choices.

I should also mention that she submitted paperwork for her parents to come here over a year ago. She has been a citizen for a few years now. The initial portion was approved. She sent in the next batch of paperwork, but parts of the application were rejected. So, she asked me to help. I love her parents and of course I helped. For example, over a week ago she asked me to help her re-scan her birth certificate, merge the 2 pages, and then convert it to a pdf under 4mb. I did it in a couple of minutes and she said thank you. I also agreed to sponsor them because my wife didn't work for a year and doesn't meet the financial requirements to sponsor them on her own. She is very appreciative. But, if I send a voice text and tell her that I miss her, I love her, and that I hope we can work things out, she doesn't respond to any of it. I know what love bombing is, and I don't want to do that. I genuinely love my wife. But her actions towards me are "other than loving". It [censored].

My therapist asks me how long am I going to stay in limbo? I have no answer. My therapist tells me that I should turn off the security cameras because it's giving me a false sense of connection. I can't do it. I know that it will hurt her, and I already feel responsible for hurting her. She loves our dogs as much as I do. I'm trying to just be completely honest, and always choose kindness. She called my mom maybe 4 weeks ago just to talk to her. What does that mean? Would my sweet and beautiful wife really be calling my mom and asking me to help with her parents' visa if she is with someone else or planning on divorcing me? It seems possible that she could be using me to get her parents here. That isn't really in her character. She also could do it herself when she gets her W-2s next month. I am pretty sure that she is as confused as I am. I think she wasn't planning on me be willing to change, and making the effort. I expect her to be wary, but for how long?

I am completely guilty of not appreciating her, taking her for granted, and ignoring her. I have told her these things and apologized. I never did anything to intentionally hurt her feelings. I was and am her biggest fan. I defend her often. I have been in individual therapy for 8 months now. I am on ADHD meds. They help me focus and fight off the depression/ anxiety. The books "Hold Me Tight" and "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" describe our relationship with freakish accuracy. The books give me hope. I sent some MP3 files from the ADHD book to my wife and told her to take a listen to hear that the book was basically describing us. And I gave her the link to the Audible version of Hold Me Tight after reading it and realizing we suffer the same problems as many of the examples in the book. I try not to push. I want her to want to be in this relationship. I don't want to play games, ghost her, or pimp her parents into making her come back. I feel like she's broken, and it might be my fault? If not, I feel like I could have prevented this. I am the older wiser one. Turns out I was older but not really wise in the relationship department. I know that in the past 7 months I have tried to the best of my abilities to be honest with myself and my wife. I have made many changes that have caused me to become a better person. I also know that I will be okay if our marriage ends in divorce. Have any of you recovered from this level of near destruction?




Since I wrote the above,8 days ago, I asked my wife how she wanted me to handle Christmas stuff with her relatives. She unpleasantly responded that I can wish them Merry Christmas but don't send money. I worked a double time shift on the 25th and was planning to give all of the $1500+ to her nieces and nephews. However, I did as she asked. Then while I was chatting with her cousin/ best friend, she mentioned that her husband's hours were cut and bills were tight. She also said my youngest brother in law's family was really struggling. So, I break out the debit card and Western Union them both $200. Turn out my wife is monitoring our joint account that she isn't using and has her sister message me to stop sending money to relatives. So, I cancelled the Western Union. I go get some cash and send it that way. She hasn't texted me in days. The good news is that I haven't texted her either. I wish I would have read this book earlier! I opened a new bank account, set up direct deposit, hung out with a divorced older neighbor/ guy. I intend to maintain radio silence a while. I'm just going to keep working on my self. However, just getting out of bed on my days off hasn't been easy. I have been looking through all the posts on this forum, and it's been very encouraging. I'm not sure what the likelihood of our reconciliation is? I'm now sure she had been planning this for some time. I know the isolated crazy medication event wasn't the cause, but likely the final straw. She has also since told my mom that she left Seattle with a female friend and isn't romantically involved with anyone. I'm trying to mend the relationship with my mother. She's probably coming to visit in the next few weeks. She talked to my wife about coming back to visit the dogs when my mom is here. I don't want to get my hopes up.

As stated by Kind & Steve you have very serious issues that you need to deal with right now. Even if you are able to make them it will take her along time to trust that they are real and permanent. The most important thing you can do right now is take all the focus off her and put in on you.

My vote for her birthday and vday is to NOT reach out at all . Give her what she wants on her bday: time and space.

Valeska is 100% correct.


Translated:

“I know drugs ruined my marriage. But I like drugs. I still choose to take them knowing my wife doesn’t like it and feels unsafe. Please help me get my wife back even though she’s my second highest priority.”

Don’t know why you’re here to be honest. You have a clear choice to give yourself a small chance at saving your marriage, and you are refusing to make that choice.

That’s okay, you’re an adult and you’re free to choose whatever you want.

But from the cheap seats, your choices are not congruent with coming to this website.