So another returning member. Hello again. BD about a year ago. W43 stated last year not in love anymore and may never have been. Said I was a great guy that most woman would love to have but she just could not be happy with me anymore. Cannot stand that I put her first in everything. W diagnosed with BPD and apparently seeks out chaos in her life whenever things are too stable. Tried counseling and she couldn't be honest with counselor about her problems. W has been hooked on pain killers for the last 2 years off and on. Tried confronting her multiple times but she just got better at hiding it.
Married 6 years. We have six kids, all boys (5 hers and 1 mine) ages 20, 18, 17, 15, 12, and 10. A few months ago W started a PA after having a hard time with extreme anxiety. Said she couldn't get over the stress of trying to be a wife to someone she didn't feel passionate about anymore and stopped coming home on days the kids weren't here. Finally I drew back and started DB, focusing on self and trying to worry about me and kids. Shes mostly ignored me but would start long conversations via text now and then about how she knows she's messed up and how she should fix things instead of continuing to hurt everyone in the family but just can't seem to face it. Told her best friends she knew she needed to come home but the anxiety caused her to retreat more into meds to feel better.
Got a call two weeks ago today from ER that W had taken too many pain meds again. Left work and rushed over thinking of how I was going to have to lay down the law and draw a line to get her help. Can't make a difference now. W overdosed on Oxy and she died the weekend after Thanksgiving. She passed at OM's home. OM tells me how she talked about me all the time as too good, which I had to hear about from him while picking up her things and her car that was still there. Now I'm just trapped with the grief of the affair and the loss.
We tend to say that focusing on yourself is about your mental health, not theirs. You can't fix the other person or change their perspective. The only thing you can control is you. Be healthier and be more comfortable with who you are. I know the process is still the same. But its a bitter pill to swallow now and no possibility of a better outcome down the road.
She was gorgeous and adventurous. She had a sweet streak. She was a care giver which showed in most of her days as a nurse of 13 years. She could be goofy when she could relax. She liked to have fun and laugh. She loved college football. But most of all she loved our kids. She enjoyed hiking, kayaking, fishing.... a true boy mom, and I don't mean she liked to do these things with just the kids. She'd do them with whoever. She loved to read books and take naps in hammocks. She loved the ocean and dreamed about retiring near the waterfront somewhere someday. She had a smile that lit up the room. I loved taking pictures of her even though she hated most of the pictures because she was so critical of herself. She loved animals and would collect them even though when they became too much work she'd wish she hadn't. She dreamed of big families and belonging to a huge crowd. She made friends so easily with everyone and had a dark sense of humor when she felt comfortable with you.
She was afraid... of how she looked to others and what other people knew about her. It was years into being together before I knew she had a drug problem. As a nurse she had too easy an access to pain meds in hospitals and other health care fields. She had been diagnosed once with Borderline personality disorder and it was suggested by our counselor that she suffered from a sex addiction. The closer you became to her and the more you knew about her the less she could stand to face you. She sought chaos when things were too comfortable. She looked for validation with people that didn't mean anything to her because they were safe and couldn't hurt her. She'd been hurt by an older brother and an uncle as a young girl and carried pain that she just couldn't face.
When we went to counseling earlier on she couldn't be honest with the counselor so she said it was pointless to go. She'd say, if she couldn't be honest with them there was no point in taking to them and spending money on their time. She wanted to get better but couldn't take the steps necessary.
She was so smart but it was impossible to get her to admit things she didn't like about life or convince her she needed anybody. She used to live for our family and our kids but the older they got the less she seemed to feel needed by them. Several months back I remember her telling me our 10 year old boy was the only thing keeping her here and that if it wasn't for him she thought she'd just end it all. I don't think she'd have ever done it on purpose, but she was ashamed of choices she'd made and who she let herself be at times.
Several months ago she wrote me a letter "I know I love because I don't have the ability to look at you and say things that hurt. It's literally impossible for me to stand there and look at you and say things that I know won't go well." She could never have a serious conversation with me face to face. Emotions ran so high for her that she'd simply shut down and not talk. She could write pages of letters or send the longest text messages or emails but not be able to sort out what she wanted to say otherwise. She was hurting so much toward the end that she was taking more and more Oxy just to get the euphoria and not feel anything. I confronted her months ago and she was going to get clean, it seemed like it had stopped but she was home less and less so I should have known.
Thank you for sharing her ...
How did you y'all meet ???
I also wanna add...
However similar this feels to anything previous....
There are gonna be differences.
You ARE gonna question everything about your relationship with her...
You ARE gonna question if she really loved you...
You ARE gonna question if you really loved her...
And even when you answer those things, you will ask yourself them again repeatedly.
You will feel guilty either way your questions are answered. Guilty if you love her, guilty if you don't love her at this particular moment.
You will guilty for smiling, or not smiling. guilt if you take a step forward...
This is normal....
It's part of the natural grieving process...
Please know that the only answer that is correct, is what you feel inside of yourself...
Also know this...
No matter what those answers are....
You are not responsible for her addiction or behaviors.
Your story is unlike anything I've read here, so it's impossible to say anything meaningful or realistic, other than sincere condolences.
I'll make one comment though, and this is something that's not well known. Please don't take this the wrong way. I worked for 15 years in hospitals and long term care facilities. My dad was an RN. My ex is an RN. My cousin is an RN. My uncle was an LPN. All those years I spent in those facilities, and my dad and uncle can attest, they can be toxic environments. Especially on the 3-11 or 11-7 shifts. This is not a statement on the health care industry, nursing facilities, nurses, etc. I'm only saying this because I know first hand how stressed those employees are, and how easy it is to seek stress relief from alternative methods in those jobs.
Nursing is such a high stress job, that chaos becomes the norm, and stability is what's actually difficult to deal with. From the little I've read, you did all you could. I'm sure she did her best to deal with everything. It's just a horrible situation. But, it's up to you now to be the rock for the children. Be the rock for yourself, and also for her.
I'm so very sorry to read this. You have a lot to carry right now, and nothing I can say is going to make that any easier.
We truly can't save anyone - especially an active addict - but we can save ourselves. If I have one suggestion it would be alanon - people mistakenly think that when the addict is no longer alive or in their life that the damage is over or there's nothing they can do about it, but that's not true - there are things you can do to heal yourself as you walk through your grief. I'm so very sorry for your loss. xo
Nothing can be said that makes sense right now. Just know that I hear you and understand you and where you are.
This is your path of grief to walk, and as I have found, there are no rules anymore.
Nothing is the same, nothing feels the same, and you will, most likely, never be the same again.
I had never kept a thread here for various reasons. and although I was a regular poster here for several years, I often fall back, and ebb and flow through here.
I did start a thread here last year, two of them actually (in the Surviving the Big D archives now if you wanna read them) after experiencing a great loss in my life.
As I stated in those threads...
I've deeply loved two Women in my life. I lost one through divorce, and the other to Cancer last year.
I have been through this from both sides, so when I say that I hear you....I do
When I say that I understand......I do
In reading your threads (old and new) , we might have a little of that in common...
For now though....
As hard as it is, try to get some sleep. Try to get some rest...
And as bleak as it feels right now, you will get through this...
One day at a time
One hour at a time
One minute at a time
One second at a time...
If it helps (and it did for me), tell me about her ??
Somehow, talking about her, kept her alive in my mind.
What I ultimately am learning, is that there is no right or wrong way through this...just as long as I keep moving forward.
Some days, especially in the beginning....
It was all I could do to get out of bed and make it to the couch.
Today was a bittersweet day for me. Started out the morning getting things done that still need worked out around home before I can sell the house and move. Went by W's grave site to leave fresh flowers and some markers for Christmas. I took my S15 who is autistic and doesn't understand why the house is now empty of anyone else. He hasn't been here since before this happened.
I'm still working on cleaning up some account issues. Things I didn't keep access to because they got worked out between us each month. I needed to get into W's google account so I could reset passwords to login's for power / water / etc. When I did this though, it resynced our accounts which hadn't been setup for a couple years now. Her photo album uploaded to my phone. All the dirty the pictures she'd been taking for OM dropped into my stuff. Went ahead and went through it to clear it back out so I don't have to face it down the road again. While I was at it I decided to take it the distance. Reset logins for FB, tiktok, and instagram to close things out so I wouldn't have to get reminders for years to come. It was a bitter process but its behind me now. In the end it probably needed done because OM has had the class to post on W's FB page a couple times and try to reach out to my oldest kids who are completely disgusted.
But at the end of the night, in the face of grief and anger, I logged on here and re read posts supporters make and have managed to remind myself. The actions and choices of others in my life have not defined me. I could not control her from her hurting herself or choosing these paths. People in our lives carry hurt and in some cases are not capable of love in the way it is meant to be experienced. My anger from this last year will fade. I will heal. I refuse to let someone else's failure rob me of my ability to experience joy. I'm going to live my life. And I damn well intend to enjoy it.
She was gorgeous and adventurous. She had a sweet streak. She was a care giver which showed in most of her days as a nurse of 13 years. She could be goofy when she could relax. She liked to have fun and laugh. She loved college football. But most of all she loved our kids. She enjoyed hiking, kayaking, fishing.... a true boy mom, and I don't mean she liked to do these things with just the kids. She'd do them with whoever. She loved to read books and take naps in hammocks. She loved the ocean and dreamed about retiring near the waterfront somewhere someday. She had a smile that lit up the room. I loved taking pictures of her even though she hated most of the pictures because she was so critical of herself. She loved animals and would collect them even though when they became too much work she'd wish she hadn't. She dreamed of big families and belonging to a huge crowd. She made friends so easily with everyone and had a dark sense of humor when she felt comfortable with you.
She was afraid... of how she looked to others and what other people knew about her. It was years into being together before I knew she had a drug problem. As a nurse she had too easy an access to pain meds in hospitals and other health care fields. She had been diagnosed once with Borderline personality disorder and it was suggested by our counselor that she suffered from a sex addiction. The closer you became to her and the more you knew about her the less she could stand to face you. She sought chaos when things were too comfortable. She looked for validation with people that didn't mean anything to her because they were safe and couldn't hurt her. She'd been hurt by an older brother and an uncle as a young girl and carried pain that she just couldn't face.
When we went to counseling earlier on she couldn't be honest with the counselor so she said it was pointless to go. She'd say, if she couldn't be honest with them there was no point in taking to them and spending money on their time. She wanted to get better but couldn't take the steps necessary.
She was so smart but it was impossible to get her to admit things she didn't like about life or convince her she needed anybody. She used to live for our family and our kids but the older they got the less she seemed to feel needed by them. Several months back I remember her telling me our 10 year old boy was the only thing keeping her here and that if it wasn't for him she thought she'd just end it all. I don't think she'd have ever done it on purpose, but she was ashamed of choices she'd made and who she let herself be at times.
Several months ago she wrote me a letter "I know I love because I don't have the ability to look at you and say things that hurt. It's literally impossible for me to stand there and look at you and say things that I know won't go well." She could never have a serious conversation with me face to face. Emotions ran so high for her that she'd simply shut down and not talk. She could write pages of letters or send the longest text messages or emails but not be able to sort out what she wanted to say otherwise. She was hurting so much toward the end that she was taking more and more Oxy just to get the euphoria and not feel anything. I confronted her months ago and she was going to get clean, it seemed like it had stopped but she was home less and less so I should have known.
