10 days ago, my wife told me "I don't know if I can do this anymore", packed some clothes and went to her parent's house.
We have been married for 11 years and are both in our 30's. Our relationship has mostly been amazing. The last year and a half has been challenging with her slowly pulling away.
My initial reaction to her announcement was shock. It completely blindsided me and I started shaking and crying, pleading her to stay and give us another chance (I know, big mistake!).
I am currently staying in our home, by myself (we do not have kids). Mornings and evenings are the hardest. I am not sleeping, barely eating and waking up in our bed by myself every single day is excruciating. I do not have any family in this country, so I am all alone.
During the three following days, we saw each other and had a good long discussion. She told me that she had love for me but was probably no longer "in love" with me. I acknowledged and apologized for all the things she said had been frustrating her more and more.
She is very social, I am an introvert. I admitted I should have made more effort to meet her in the middle. I was very adamant that I was willing to go to therapy, work on myself and our relationship. She said she wished she could believe me but wasn't sure she wanted to give me another chance. She ultimately kept saying she needed "time and space".
Now here's the thing. She has been hanging out more and more with a male friend over the last couple of months. I brought up to her that it made me uncomfortable but she reassured me that there was nothing to worry about. I think she's been having an emotional (hopefully) affair with the guy.
I want to get my wife back. I am devastated. I am mourning the loss of the person I once knew and have shared so many memories with. The past 10 days have undoubtedly been the hardest of my entire life. The emotional and physical stress this has taken on me is indescribable. I am a shell of the person I once was.
I am slowly realizing that I have been co-dependent on her emotionally. I am a very sensitive person and although most people couldn't tell, I have anxiety and confidence issues and she was my rock. I want to say that I have also been hers many many times. Losing my emotional support, my spouse, my partner overnight has been completely debilitating. We had always been extremely close, both physically and mentally, so the abrupt change has been a total shock.
We were also making projects for the future just a week or two prior to her leaving.
While she has expressed not wanting to hurt me and has checked in a me a couple of times, she has been fairly cold and distant. The way she looks at me has changed.
After day 4, I made the decision to go no contact. I told her I was available if she needed me but that I needed to focus on myself. She replied that she understood and was also available if I needed her.
I know the chances may be slim, but I am hoping she has a moment of clarity and realize what she is throwing away. I want to try and do everything in my power to regain her respect, trust and love. I know it starts with doing a 180, focusing on myself and emotionally detaching from her, but it is HARD!
Today, she texted me asking if she could come over to pick up some more stuff.
I am strongly considering going back home to my country for the holidays even though I know it will be hard because we have so many memories there together
Any advice on how to handle myself, the situation and how to maximize my chances of saving my marriage would be appreciated.
Looking forward to interacting with the community for some much needed support!
She is still initiating conversations (texting) with me and while I have no doubt she truly cares about me, I am not sure where we stand moving forward other than being friends. I am finding myself in the same cycle as after my separation with my wife, which is to prepare for the worst but hope for the best. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I am definitely hurting at the thought of not having something more with her. It is so difficult for me to find this level of comfort and trust with another person. Do I just give it time or simply move on for my sake?
So based on your timeline - your BD was 5 months ago and you have been speaking to this woman for 4 months of it. Your problem isn't your lack of dating... your problem is you being uncomfortable with being alone.
IF you truly want to learn from your mistakes. IF you truly want to learn how to cope with heart break and failure. IF you truly want to grow in a way to not repeat behavior - you need to stop dating for now and learn to sit in your emotions. You need to not look comfort in the arms of someone else.
The cycle you mentioned is the one you created. If you want to break it - let this new girl go and be alone for awhile.
Friendly and honest is better than many alternatives.
A positive result of low contact as you saw is that the hot stove of the WAS cools off some, so their tension reduces. And they may find, like yours did, that they miss talking to you and even get a bit unsettled that maybe you do not want to anymore.
A great thing about Getting a Life, doing 180s, rediscovering old loves/hobbies, and trying out new ones is when these contacts with WAS happen, you have more to share than just, 'I've been here kind of having a hard time with things.'
There might be a project you've started (or completed). New artwork you've done. A new outing you did and might share a quick story about. Some funny character you met. Or something you're headed out to do or someone/group you are headed out to meet. Cause you're a busy, interesting guy, not a sad sack pining away. But, give just a whiff of you and your connection - like catnip. Then ya gotta go, cause you don't give yourself away.
Warm, positive, fun, mysteriously and newly busy -- "Hey, it was great seeing you and catching up, W, but I gotta go XXXX. I'll see you later! Thanks for coming by."
And you don't wanna talk about the sad state of things/the relationship (unless they initiate it of course). Cause that is not a fun topic. No one talks about stuff like that when they are dating or connecting. So don't go there for reconnecting either.
When she told you that the situation has been challenging for her, did you validate and invite her to share more? 'Yeah, I can imagine it's been hard. Tell me how it's been for you." If one of your challenges was listening to her about her every day things, listening to her, inviting her to share more, and validating when she makes a statement like that might be a 180 for you.
Welcome! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome Thread. Please read all of the links and if you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
If she comes over to pick up some belongings, be in another room and find something to do. Treat her like a roommate who is moving out. Do not ask her anything. If she wants you to know something, she will tell you. I know that this is very, very difficult right now, but you will survive and you will get stronger as time rolls along. Be kind and patient with yourself. You are going to make some mistakes along the way, but all you need to do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start again. For now, keep the focus on you. Take care of yourself. I would go to your country for the holidays and leave her here to miss what she once enjoyed.
Final thing....breathe!
Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
The scent thing is so interesting. I think I'll definitely start looking at new body wash and toothpaste too. Sounds silly, but I think it can definitely be helpful.
Yesterday was probably my best day in the last two weeks. The evenings have been particularly difficult. I was already accustomed to being home alone during the day since I work from home, but the loneliness in the evening is palpable. No one to talk to, no one to share your feelings with.
Yesterday, I decided to rekindle my love of indie movies instead of moping around. I made some dinner, poured myself a drink and watched a movie. Baby steps, but it felt like a huge win.
I’d happily wager $1000 she’s having an affair. That is the reality here.
Go through recent posts from the last few years. Nearly every LBS who comes here eventually discovers an affair.
Forget winning her back. She’s emotionally checked out, and she needs to work out for herself that staying with you is the right decision. There’s no way you can talk, act or convince her that she’s making a mistake.
What you really need to do is win YOURSELF back. The biggest challenge for the next two years will be to rebuild your self-love, self worth and confidence.
You said how you’re a gentle man and co-dependent on her. This is a very common theme at this site. Women say they want emotionally available men who are sympathetic and in touch with their feelings, but they divorce those sort of men at incredibly high rates.
Your best chance of winning her back is becoming strong. Every day you beg or plead or behave like losing her is the end of your happiness, she will be repulsed by you and move further away.
If she sees you thriving, becoming confident and almost happy to see the back of her, she will question her decision and think she’s giving up something good.
Best move you can make from here on; 1. Read DB boom several times, front to back 2. Throw her stuff to the curb and tell her she’s not coming back to the house 3. Zero contact 4. Help with your mental health to be reborn as a confident, outgoing and single man
This is a 3-5 year minimum commitment while she has her mid life crisis affair. You’ll need a lot of staying power, and you’ll also need to acknowledge that it’s likely by the time she wakes up and realises what she has lost, you’ll likely despise her and not want her back anyway.
I’m so sorry mate. There isn’t a person here who doesn’t know how much it hurts. If nothing else, this site can offer understanding and compassion. You must feel like your whole heart has been ripped out.
Millions of people have been through this. While it feels like your life is ending, know that you’re going to be okay. Hugs!
10 days ago, my wife told me "I don't know if I can do this anymore", packed some clothes and went to her parent's house.
...
She is very social, I am an introvert. I admitted I should have made more effort to meet her in the middle. I was very adamant that I was willing to go to therapy, work on myself and our relationship. She said she wished she could believe me but wasn't sure she wanted to give me another chance. She ultimately kept saying she needed "time and space".
Now here's the thing. She has been hanging out more and more with a male friend over the last couple of months. I brought up to her that it made me uncomfortable but she reassured me that there was nothing to worry about. I think she's been having an emotional (hopefully) affair with the guy.
I want to get my wife back. I am devastated. I am mourning the loss of the person I once knew and have shared so many memories with. The past 10 days have undoubtedly been the hardest of my entire life. The emotional and physical stress this has taken on me is indescribable. I am a shell of the person I once was.
I am slowly realizing that I have been co-dependent on her emotionally. I am a very sensitive person and although most people couldn't tell, I have anxiety and confidence issues and she was my rock. I want to say that I have also been hers many many times. Losing my emotional support, my spouse, my partner overnight has been completely debilitating. We had always been extremely close, both physically and mentally, so the abrupt change has been a total shock.
Hello b89:
I am very sorry to read of your situation. I wanted to reply to you because of all the stories I have read here, yours is probably the closest to mine. There are almost eerie parallels, although my W has not moved out.
Like you, I am an introvert and my W is an extrovert. It never seemed to be a problem; we seemed to complement each other until she wanted to divorce, at which time my introversion became "rudeness" and "standoffishness."
The male friend is a red flag. As others have said, it is likely there will be an affair if there isn't one already. My W is in an affair (although I don't think she sees it that way; since she wants a divorce, she no doubt sees this as merely the next chapter in her life). My W was one of those who always said she hated cheaters and liars, yet here she is. She has been sloppy about covering up the affair, but she continues to act as if I know nothing.
I also feel there was an element of co-dependency in our relationship. She has long standing body image issues and was very overweight when we met, but I accepted her as she was. I feel as though she may have been afraid she wouldn't find someone else who would, so perhaps she latched onto me despite having some unstated reservations about how suitable I was for her. I had some insecurities of my own back then, and she made me feel good about myself so that may have been the "drug" I took from her.
I called her "my rock" too, just like you. Through major life changes (the deaths of my parents, the births of our children) she was the one constant.
You will indeed feel as though you don't recognize her. She will probably reveal many painful thoughts as time goes on. You need to prepare for that. A few years ago, I could do no wrong in my wife's eyes. I was kind, gentle, gracious, giving, a wonderful father, beautiful, and more. Now I am uncaring, narcissistic, secretive, and a lousy parent, to name only a few. This is known as rewriting history. Be ready for her to emphasize all your bad qualities, and even make a few up that you didn't know you had. She will do her best to convince herself that getting rid of you is in her best interest, and that she has not contributed to the current situation, only you.
You are already getting good advice. Paying attention to where you have gone wrong, and improving that, will only benefit your future. It is a struggle to let go of her; I know from experience how hard it is. But she is not controllable. She may light quite a few fires before she is done. You just need to stay out of the flames.
For me, (an ambi-vert who has to be extroverted for work but inherently introverted), going to different public libraries for HOURS is one of my favorite personal things to do.
Man, I used to do this all the time as a kid and a teenager and completely forgot about it, Chalk up another way to spend time out of the house!
Hi Broken I am so sorry to hear your story. It amazes me how many start to come out at this time of year leading into the holidays. MLC absolutely is horrible. I would absolutely go back to your home away from her for the holidays. Go and have fun smile laugh. The emotional roller coaster you are on is absolutely horrible but you will be ok. You only control you. You can’t control her. Let her be, pull away let her realise the reality of losing you and your worth. And I agree there is definitely an affair. We have all been in denial and it comes out later. I feel your pain. I am almost at a year since Bd when my H dropped the bomb. I wished I could have got away I think I would have healed better and quicker but I had to step up and be the best mum to my kids. try not to dwell on the affair partner. It will serve you no good. You control where your mind and thoughts go and keep them far away from the OM. He is just a blanket for her he is nothing. She obviously needed somethinf( to feel young and feel like she still has it maybe) and found someone who is saying the right things to make her feel good. They forget about their family their spouse their stability. Let the affair run its course. Hardly any of them last. Go on living and have fun if she sees you having fun she will feel what she has lost and she will hate it. Keep on going, reading, it does get easier it just takes time
Sunflyer, it does sound like our stories share a lot of similarities.
Are you making any progress at all with DB? How long have you been separated?
I am making progress with DB, in the sense that I am more and more focusing on my own life and my future. I like the progress I am making. My self confidence has improved, and I have identified things that need fixing and am trying to address them. It is a piece-by-piece process.
In the sense of saving the marriage, I've basically accepted that it is toast. She is fully entrenched in her affair, and as I've mentioned it appears that to her family he is not an "affair partner" but a "boyfriend."
She seems to be betting on a future with him at this point.
We are not yet physically separated. Most likely that will happen within the next few months. She filed for divorce quickly but has been dragging her feet on the financial paperwork.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for a turnaround
Keeping hope and faith alive is perfectly fine. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Have faith in the process.
(Go read Rockon's thead and take notes of all the advise that has been given to him.)
Implement as many of your changes as quickly as you can. The longer you stay the same, the less chance of busting the divorce. She lost her attraction for you. Only way to gain that back is becoming more attractive to women in general.
Nothing is more unattractive than a needy man. A woman can't love a man that she does not respect. She needs to miss you before she will have a change of heart. She thinks she knows you. Prove her wrong. This will take significant, permanent changes to your behavior. Every time you interact with her, she should be surprised by your new behavior. You want her to question her decision.
The less you explain yourself to her, the better. Do not answer questions. The less you say, the more she is thinking about you. This is type of stuff you need to get burned into your brain ASAP.
Implement as many of your changes as quickly as you can. The longer you stay the same, the less chance of busting the divorce.
I totally understand the need to focus on myself and learn to be emotionally independent from my W and also re-learn who I am as a person without her. I am however struggling with finding the balance between needing to experience new things and step outside of my comfort zone while also not necessarily wanting to completely change who I am as a person if that makes sense.
I mentioned that I am an introvert at heart. I've always been OK with it, it's not like it feels like I am missing something. Socializing has always been emotionally draining to me. I get trying to better myself as a person, but I am also comfortable with who I am and want someone who will love me for who I am if that makes sense.
I'm not sure I see the appeal in trying to become someone completely different just to get my wife's (or other women) attention. Maybe I'm thinking of this the wrong way? Curious to get everybody's thoughts on this.
Absolutely! Do not try to become someone you are not in attempt to woo W back, or attract someone new.
Dig into yourself. What makes you tick. Then consider those deeply held convictions and values. Do they work for you? Do they foster peace and joy and contentment? Are those tenets actually what you are after?
Most folks get a bit stagnated in work and marriage. Kids, work, spouse, etc. Life gets in a groove. Like a song on repeat. Stepping out of that well worn groove is a positive thing. A 180. For you.
Pick up an old hobby you set aside. Do some things you’ve wanted to do. Do some things you’ve been to scared or timid to do. Do some things that push your comfort zone. This is not stuff to go against your core self, nor go against your moral self.
Go out for diner to a nice restaurant, alone. Sit there, by yourself. Order, and enjoy, your meal.
Things like that. For years we spouses defined ourselves by our marriage and coupling. Husband and father. We further define ourselves by our occupation. Find you. Discover and define who b89 is.
Counterintuitively, finding your definition free from marriage, kids, work, etc, strengthens those very convictions you hold dear.
Of course, a lifetime of bias and prejudice has some ugly baggage too. Examine that as well.
Organize and categorize yourself. Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. And discard or alter that which does not serve.
In this manner, any changes you want are because of you. Those changes will have a much higher probability of becoming permanent because of a deep connection to self rather than some attempt or win affection. It’s more growth, than a complete makeover.
Yes, we all want someone to love us for who we are. First, you need to know who you are.
Please understand that your focus, counterintuitive as it may seem, should not be on fixing your marriage. That relationship is gone (along with your wife, replaced by the alien before you).
It should be on fixing yourself.
I hear many opportunities for growth. You've touched on several of them:
1. Anxiety (about?) 2. Co-dependent on WAW for sense of self and emotional equilibrium 3. Insecure/sensitive/took personally when significant other wanted to do stuff with other people 4. Isolated with no other social network/support system here 5. Low self confidence 6. Controlling 7. Selfish 8. Strong willed/stubborn 9. Stagnated in some ways exploring your self and creativity
What is your plan to work on each of these?
Also, in your introspection, go a bit deeper -- you said -- "I had her back at all times." But, did you really -- if you did not have her back for the "everyday small things"? They may have been small to you, but they were every day to her. It's important to accept the full magnitude of where we went wrong in order to change them for future relationships.
And, while it seems to you that she changed overnight, have no doubt that she did not. There were months or possibly years of her feeling mistreated. She may not have voiced it, or maybe you did not hear it.
Also consider that your very desire to get back together at this time is also selfish and controlling, since she is not showing the same interest. It's about what you want. Would you want another loved one of yours (daughter, mother, friend) to rejoin a relationship that she was trying to escape from?
You also mention resentment that she walked out and left you high and dry, that her family has not checked in on you once, that how can she be so caring and insensitive, and that you want to turn this around and have her notice.
Do you see how all of these are about how YOU feel and what YOU would like to happen? We ALL came here for that selfish reason -- hurt and wanting to stay married, when our spouses no longer wanted us. I get that it can be so hard not to indulge these negative feelings, because they feel suffocating -- such profound loss and traumatic breaking of a self-defining attachment.
A big part of healing from the bomb is not indulging these feelings because they can interfere with us moving on and growing. Setting them aside helps us to more clearly see our part in breaking the relationship and also to understand, accept, and validate our WAWs POV. And, we can then be more honest to change ourselves through action.
While I get that it can leave you feeling more drained than when you started, one of the useful aspects of developing new relationships and getting a life with others outside the home is that it not only distracts you from the setbacks and negative emotions, but it also will allow you to work on the above aspects of yourself. Consider that many of the weaknesses that you have identified in yourself relate to the way that you relate to others (many coming from a place of anxiety or low-self esteem).
It will be hard to work on these weaknesses alone when many of them are in how you relate to close others.
You can work alone to understand your sources of anxiety and alternative ways to cope. But, in order to prevail in your circumstance you ultimately will need to change your ways of relating as well.
And that takes practice.
Also consider that you have no social network/support system here because you have avoided building one due to your introversion and co-dependent relationship with your WAW. So, it seems that working to build a social network would be a 180 that would address a weakness you've identified. It does not mean that you need to become an extrovert. In fact, there are Meetups and Facebook groups dedicated to introverts.
You can do great things to better yourself now. Go deeper than a different scent. A different self.
Remember, believe NOTHING she says. And only half of what she does. Walkaway spouses will say whatever is expedient in the moment. Some of their motivations include making themselves feel less guilty, manipulating their left-behind spouse, or getting something they want.
Almost all WASs at some point express a desire to remain friends with their LBS. LBS have to be careful that they don't end up in the friendzone. That's why I'm not a fan of "friendly". Honest? Absolutely. Upbeat and fulfilled, even pleased? Absolutely. But be careful with "friendly". That doesn't mean to be unkind in any way, but it means to keep your interactions short, concise and businesslike.
Remember, you're out GAL! Be busy. Be the one that ends the discussion, and fairly quickly too. "I have to go, I have somewhere to be." Or something similar. Important! Do not apologize for being busy. Avoid "Sorry, I have to go." Just stick to the fact that you are busy and need to end the interaction. Also do not divulge what you are going to do. Being a little mysterious is a powerful tactic.
I like that you are reminding yourself that it doesn't change anything. But that is the danger in interactions. We as LBSs start thinking romantically. "Things must be better because we had a positive interaction!" This is why you should be avoiding interactions, not encouraging them and certainly never initiating them!
Sleep quality and quantity does suffer quite a bit at first. Don’t worry, perfectly normal and healthy reaction.
Exercise helps with finding better sleep. Go for a walk before bed.
Shutting off those devices, lessening the visual and auditory stimulation before slumber is also beneficial.
A neat little tidbit, what you think of the five minutes before falling asleep is what you’ll likely dream of. It’s not the only thing you’ll dream of, just one of them. Program your subconsciousness a little before bed.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. It helps with sleep and dreams. Let’s explore a bit.
There is a lull, between feeling your feelings - letting them wash over you and allowing them to extinguish/flit - and when they rise up again. That lull increases as you become more and more detached.
Schedule a time to feel. Allow, purposefully, your feelings to be heard and experienced. Your emotions need to be expressed and acknowledged. That is your subconscious’ need. At first our emotions are all over the place, and spring up at all manner of times. Exert your control of self. Schedule 5 or 10 minutes when you wake, actually set an alarm, to feel your emotions. When alarm goes off, a few deep breaths, wipe your eyes, and get on about your day.
You will likely need a few times during the day to allow processing when first starting out. Schedule convenient times, less those feelings come out at inopportune moments. As you progress, less and less scheduled times will be required. Ramp down the number of times per day. Eventually reaching one. Then ramp that last time down 5, 3, 1 minutes and eventually to zero.
This is detachment. Not being uncontrollably emotionally dragged around by W’s words and behaviours. The key thing: Uncontrollably. Being detached, you still feel hurt, just not dragged about. You will find you can postpone feeling your feelings for later. Ensure you do allow those postponed emotions to speak; don’t want them to build up.
Indifference is the absence of feelings. A numbness towards W. It will come later and after detachment.
Detachment brings your first real taste of peace. And will significantly help with sleep and those dreams.
Let go the rope, or be dragged. Rationalize this. Let it in to your subconscious. The more you let go in the waking world, the more it reflects in the sleeping world.
So based on your timeline - your BD was 5 months ago and you have been speaking to this woman for 4 months of it. Your problem isn't your lack of dating... your problem is you being uncomfortable with being alone.
IF you truly want to learn from your mistakes. IF you truly want to learn how to cope with heart break and failure. IF you truly want to grow in a way to not repeat behavior - you need to stop dating for now and learn to sit in your emotions. You need to not look comfort in the arms of someone else.
The cycle you mentioned is the one you created. If you want to break it - let this new girl go and be alone for awhile.
Wish I could like this 100 times. Valeska is correct. This is the exact unhealthy pattern embraced by many who walk out on their marriages and/or have affairs. My W went from having sex with me to AP #1 within weeks and after that ended, on to AP #2 within three months, tops. The key to happiness is not found externally, or with someone else. It's found within you.
I understand the temptation. I've had no romantic involvements with anyone for 14 months, and I anticipate that I won't even start looking for at least another year. Certainly not doing anything until after the D is final. Not only am I fine with it, I'm enjoying indulging my likes and interests very much. I don't have to worry about what W thinks of it.
Certainly you have some interests, hobbies, whatever, that you put aside during your marriage. Something you want to devote yourself to again. Or something new that you never started. Now is the time. Don't be addicted to female companionship. Be addicted to you and what you want for yourself.
I'd like to add my two cents in this. It seems you tried to cope with the impending divorce with your stbxw by filling that void, that need for intimate and personal connection. You likely missed the feeling you had with your wife and the closeness and projected these feelings and desires into another person, she likely did the same with you, sort of testing the waters. You probably have not fully healed from the hurt of your marriage and haven't looked inward and put in as much work as possible into your own self building and reflecting on who you are as a person. Think of it this way imagine your wife doing the same thing and bonding/connecting with a new person, this is purely coping and trying to remove a piece from the puzzle that is you and your identity and slotting a new puzzle piece hoping it fits perfectly and keeps the puzzle intact as if it was never broken or scrambled in the first place. While the feelings and connection made you feel alive again, this was a temporary fix, like putting duct tape on a broken bumper of your car hoping the car stays intact and whole.
Sometimes in these situations it's best to build the puzzle from the ground up and start with the pieces that are the most important, and when you are ready to finish the puzzle put in the pieces that complete your life puzzle only if they fit correctly.
I too thought going on dating apps and trying to connect with someone new in the immediate aftermath would bring me happiness and although many people will casually say you'll find someone new, you're still young, there's plenty of fish in the sea, etc. The truth is life and desires, emotions and personal relationships are much more complex than that. You need to start from the ground up and develop ways to find long term solutions for what you want your life to be, whether you still have hope of your ex or with someone new. Never has God given us such a glaring and obvious opportunity to look inward and improve ourselves and try to fix what is lacking in our character and work on truly finding out what we want of ourselves and from our life. Once we have done this hard work only then can we truly move on, in one direction or another. I know all this sounds cliche but the road we travel to reach our destination is not always best approached with shortcuts, we are only cheating ourselves and delaying the journey by adding obstacles
