oh boy where do I start?! I'm not sure how I stumbled upon the books but I bought them both around March 2022. Tried, failed, tried, failed. Fast forward to Oct 20 2023 and I find out he took out a HELOC on our home and it seems to me that all my signatures were forged. He also went to the club with some friends and was dancing with a women, touching her waste, grinding on her and slapped her butt 3 times. I WAS LIVID. I have had access to his ipad for 2 years and its been like an obsession to snoop. He has always talked to other women. As far as I know and what he has told me, he hasn't had sex with any other women. He talks and talks and talks with sooo many other people and women. He has said he doesn't feel safe to talk to me. I can understand that. He has been talking to a single woman since July and I just found out it is a daily thing. I don't see flirting or anything like that, but they do drink together, as far as I know they aren't alone together. She's one of the "guys" He's always been one to say there isn't anything wrong with men having female friends. Of course I've had an issue with this since day 1. There have been others, one who was a coworker who just turned 30. They still talk but not so much since she kind of ignores him. But the second she calls him, he jumps.
Issues he has brought up in the past, he wants us to completely stop arguing. We have always argued, ALL the time. I have figured out part of the reasons for me is I want to be cared for and I don't feel cared for so I badger and pursue constantly. He has always said he wants to be listened to and validated. He has said he wants to be respected more times than I can remember.
I have in the past name called, and been very disrespectful. I haven't acted like that in years. He brings it up from time to time and will say, you treated me like this for 20 years! It seems no matter what I do he's just siting there waiting for me to act like that again.
So on Oct 21, I was so furious that I saw that video of him I just couldn't stand it anymore. (he has absolutely no idea I know or see any of his messages) I was obviously upset and asked him if I were to ask him to stop doing things that upset me, would he and he said no. So many conversations end up with him saying, well, maybe we should go our separate ways, this conversation was no different. He said he wanted the house, I said the same. I haven't pursued one time since. We have slept in separate bedrooms for about 2 years now and I used to go to his room, to talk, whatever. I haven't done that, not once. I have just left him alone and live my life. I have been talking to a coach I found on here for the past few weeks. I have been going to the gym every other day. Going out, dressing up, being to myself. Oct 22, he came to me to tell me that he wasn't going to be rude to me and ignore me throughout the house or not look at me(he's always been a huge stonewaller) The only communication has been that he has told me a couple of times that I look nice, good night, have a nice day, have a fun time, have a great time, sleep good. Much of this is in texts. We both come and go and do whatever. That day he turned the location off of his phone and hasn't worn his ring since. (he has worn his ring off and on for the past 2 years)
Then Nov 12 came and he texted me at 7am if I was awake, I said yes and he wanted to talk. He said he wanted to make sure that I know that he is not having sex with anyone else. That he isn't hitting on anyone else or anything like that. I have no reason not to believe him. I told him that I was doing the same and will continue to. He gave me like 5 very long hugs and ended up kissing me. Later that day he was going to the bar with friends and one of them contacted me to see if I wanted to go. I went and asked my H what I should say and he immediately said NO. He said it would be awkward and uncomfortable for him and everyone. That we weren't going there as husband and wife. I didn't continue and said ok and left it at that. I didn't go. Told him to have fun. (I say this a lot to him because he has always said it and fun is important to him)
Fast forward to that evening, he came to my room to say good night, and to hug me. Very long hugs yet again. Then kissing, then touching like he was initiating sex. I paused, said I want it to be right and he agreed and nothing happened further. Said he was mentally stressed and refused to talk about it, I didn't press the issue. The next few days he barely spoke to me, definitely hasn't touched me or hugged me since. I am pmsing and trying not to lose my sh$T yesterday when I came home at 2pm and he was supposed to be working from home. I found out that he was helping this woman he has been talking to since July move into her new house. There was another friend there to supposedly. I ended up calling him and played dumb and said I didn't see you, whats going on? he told me exactly what he was doing. I have met this woman and have her as a "friend" on social media. At that point I haven't snooped in 22 days. It caused me so much anxiety and stress that I just decided to stop. I have 2 medications for it and it was just doing me so much harm. Well, I lost it yesterday and looked at all the messages. Things that were said "are you having a midlife crisis?" he said "No, I've spent 2 decades allowing myself to be told what to do. I'm over that sh$t." she asked about him having a coming out of marriage party, he said "Yes!! we've already started the talk." She is giving him advice on how to blow his $ now so he doesn't have to give it to me, go be happy, blah blah. She was engaged and broke it off at the beginning of this year I believe. He told another person "Snowball and I have decided to go our separate ways, probably file after the holidays"
It just doesn't seem like anything I do is helping, working or making any sort of impact. I keep getting asked, if I even want this marriage and honestly, I don't even know anymore. We both have been so unhappy for so long. Him it seems more so. He's best friends with our 18 year old son, even told me during the conversation last SUN, that he is his "person" I'm glad they have a great relationship but that really was difficult to hear. I want to be his person! I feel like so much of this went downhill because of covid. I used to bowl on a league with him and I quit 2 years ago. He continues to go without me. I have always wanted the one on one time, dates and that sort of thing and he rather do fun, group things and I was just over it. I've been called needy, I should get some friends, and get a life. Well, I've been doing just that!
Other things I probably should mention, Jan 2022 we sat down had a long discussion and I asked him if he wanted to be done, he said yes. We discussed a few things never made any formal plans and never really spoke much about it since. He immediately called his realtor and went house hunting 2 days later. he actually put in a few offers I believe in the 18 months since then. They got rejected and it just never panned out. The housing market in crazy right now. Mostly when he will say he wants out, wants a divorce etc, it is in the middle of an argument or the end and we are both very upset. He has never come to me all calmly and said it. Things that may be relevant. He was legally married when we met. I was 21, he was 22. They lived in another state, stop being together and I met him 10 months later. He never told me he was married. I found out 18 months later because he ex sent divorce papers in the mail. That has always been something that has stung and just unbelievable to me that he couldn't tell me. That's the way he is. He also had an emotional affair in 2006. Our son was only 1 then. It was a rough time. He cut all ties and we moved on, or maybe we didn't because here I am.
I just feel like I can't compete with all these other people. Our son, these women and even male friends. They all make him happy and I don't. its all about football, bowling, games, and work. Where do I even fit in?! he drinks 3-4 times/week, and right now he's been on the couch all morning. He is a huge Chrismas fan and I'm sure he's quite sad. I just can never go back to the way we used to be. Arguing all the time, me pursuing, but I want to be happy too. I want to be cared for and loved. I have no idea if HE will ever do that. Thank for you reading this and any help is appreciated.
I think you really only have one option. Move forward with your own life. If he decides he wants to come along make sure you have clear requirements for that to happen.
You are allowing this man to ruin your life. That's not attractive nor is it good for your own future.
Divorce busting is about saving yourself. Sometimes it saves your marriage too but you can't save that until you save yourself.
I have all the papers from the bank. My signature(a signature that doesn't look like mine at all) is on 3 of the papers. There is even a copy of my id. I have no idea who signed those forms, but it sure as hell wasn't me.
Go directly to a lawyer, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
I know this is still the early stages for you, and I understand it’s incredibly hard when you’ve just arrived at a website for saving your marriage to get advice like this. I expect you’ll try and make several excuses why you won’t go to a lawyer (such as “I think if it comes to it I can prove it’s not my signature”).
But you need to understand those excuses are because you are emotionally invested in trying to save your marriage. I absolutely guarantee you will regret ignoring the loan fraud a few years down the track.
Imagine your best girlfriend… she comes to you, and tells you her marriage is on the rocks and her husband has forged her signature to get a line of credit against her house.
People will relive life lessons until they learn them. Some folks stubbornly or unwittingly recycling, repeating, living and languishing in a purgatory like loop for the rest of their days. Your H appears to be struggling with respect/disrespect and authentic/sincere behaviour. Responsibility and accountability are the principles of an adult, and H is trying to be young.
Originally Posted by Snowball
I said I don't even want him dancing with any other women and he said.. that's where I have a problem. I don't know if it was because I'm sounding controlling or what.
I said, that is disrespectful to me and he said he doesn't purposely disrespect me, that he just doesn't go out of his way to respect me. Because I've been disrespectful to him.
He is projecting and blaming onto you. As you’ve said, in the past you were disrespectful towards him, and that wee grain of truth H will utilize and craft an entire narrative and justification around for his present behaviour.
You are not being controlling, H’s disrespectful behaviour problem is because he doesn’t respect himself. He is living disingenuously.
Life provides feedback. And H will languish until he realizes and steps up to be accountable and take ownership of his choices.
Originally Posted by Snowball
I've always hated how he just won't own up to anything and blames all his actions on someone else.
Yep. You see it. Now, what?
Hate doesn’t serve you.
Giving H a free pass is not the answer to your peace either.
Love the sinner, forgive the sin.
Let go the hate. You cannot control what H does. You can and have told him what bothers you and what is disrespectful. Enforce boundaries on such disrespectful behaviours. Whatever boundaries that you require for your well-being.
Letting go the hate, is not condoning H’s behaviour either. And it’s not a free pass. You can and should hold him accountable for his actions.
If you notice, boundaries, condoning, accountability are all regarding H’s behaviours and actions, not H himself. This is a non-judgemental attitude and stance, which encourages forgiveness. Striving to love the person and forgive the behaviours, for no one can see all ends, only God can forgive the person/soul.
Yes, H is not owning up to his actions and is blaming others. You know this. No point giving it emotional bandwidth. Don’t let it live rent free in your heart and head. It doesn’t serve, and it doesn’t pay to keep it around. Evict it, let it go.
So often I try to go gave fun and he goes to 3 bars and I just can’t stop thinking and talking about it. It has ruined my time over and over lately.
Here, I fixed it for you.
Quote
I can’t stop thinking about it because I don’t have the skills to deal with this on my own - so I’m going to see a psychologist so that I know what to do. Previously, I HAVE ALLOWED him to ruin my time over and over, but now I’ve realised that it’s me who controls me and my feelings, not his cr***y behaviour. This is temporary, it will get better.
Actually, I have already been doing this. I’m not already fit so I have been going every other day. I started Oct 20th. I’ve went 19 times in 45 days so far. It has done a world of good and like I recently posted, I had a 4 day span where I didn’t go and it wasn’t good for me. I read all your posts about and agree, this is the secret! You certainly were determined, going daily, driving 30 min and working 12 hr shifts. WOW! Way to go, you must be so proud of yourself.
I do need some other activity. I have thought about starting some sort of project. Something that takes hours and will force my mind to think about that instead of him. I do have WAY too much free time. I work part time, and my kid is 18. I get overwhelmed though in starting projects sometimes, overthinking and getting lazy. I was doing a walk on my off days too and I stopped doing that, not sure why. I’m getting back to doing that today.
Snowball I am so sorry you are going through this. It [censored]. It really does, and while you don’t want to believe it, it will get better. There are blue skies ahead out of this storm. I just wanted to say you need to really dig deep and do the work now on you, and letting H go and spiral down his rabbit hole. You only control one thing in this world and that YOU. Right now H controls you too. Your every thought and feeling is around him, his actions, trying to make sense of something that even he doesn’t know what he feels or wants. You need to gain back your own control and let him go. It will be the only way that you don’t get emotionally drained and destroyed. And it’s the only way you have any chance of saving this. Believe me we have all been in your shoes so I speak honestly when I say I know exactly how it feels to let every thought and action be centred around H and his craziness. Find a way to help you detach and gain your own control again. It takes a lot of work but it’s worth it.
Now, you want your H back. Like we all do. Here is a little something someone told me which I Love. Imagine being in a bar. At this bar there is a woman in the corner who is crying and yelling at her partner and clinging to him, getting angry with him etc, then there is a second woman in the middle of the dance floor smiling laughing having fun and having the absolute time of her life. You can bet your bottom dollar the single men are more interested in getting around the fun happy woman in the middle than the one that’s a crying begging mess. The fun carefree one is far more attractive far more appealing.The men would want to be around that-heck anyone would. Start to find ways to be the girl on the dance floor, smiling, carefree and having the time of your life. Because guarantee your MlC spouse isn’t having the time of his life right now( despite what we imagine them to be doing)
