Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - Act III (3)

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I've titled this Act III. It's my third thread, and if my life were a movie or a play, I feel like it's now moving into its third act.

Act one was my life before meeting W. Lots of youthful discovery and excitement. Feeling the need for a companion as I matured.

Act two was my life with W. From when I met her until now, with the end of our marriage looming. Twenty-six years, mostly very good as far as I'm concerned. (Perhaps she would disagree, although she left behind many indications otherwise).

In the third act, there's uncertainty but also a lot of possibility. I am trying to navigate the uncertainty while embracing the possibility.

I remember the words of the wise philosopher Kermit the Frog, who said, "Life's like a movie; write your own ending." I'm determined to make that ending as good as I can make it.

When they say I hope we can be friends they mean let's be civil and polite for the sake of our sons.

All decisions have consequences that I am sure she has laid out 100s of times. Remember she has most likely been planning this for years.

It will likely be many, many years before she sees all the consequences paly themselves out.

SF, good to see you. Last time I stopped by you seemed to be doing great.

But I must caution you. You're reading things into stuff that may or may not be true. Remember, one day at a time. The minute you get caught up in the "oh she's calling me Daddy to the dog" you'll start to regress. As sandi used to always say "stay vigilant and do not give up your hard earned progress".

Oh how the tables are turning x this is awesome Sunflyer to get into a position where you are the one feeling like the WAS not the LBS now. This truly is awesome. And even better that you can see what’s good for you and your values and morals

Good Morning Sun

Glad you remained calm and even keeled. The sarcasm would feel good for only a short time, and would be counterproductive overall.


Likely a mixture of many things. Temp checking, trying to get a rise out of you, start a fight, stir up justifications for her choices, deflect her feelings, curiosity, attempted ice breaking, she’s noticing you and your life/happiness, etc.

Nice DBing. Remaining calm and rational. Not taking any bait. Well done!

How was Christmas? Kids and you get any cool gifts from Santa?

D

SF, this is very fair and completely within your rights. I am anti-divorce except in two cases: when there is toxic behavior (physical aggression or substance abuse) or for infidelity. As I am fond of telling any LBS, at anytime it is your right to decide YOU want a divorce and to go file yourself.

Keep us up-to-date.

Hey SF. It sounds like a good end to 2023 and a beginning to 2024. I like what you said above about 1) not trying to win back your spouse and 2) being consistent. I agree with DnJ that her questions about whether or not you were seeing someone were likely driven by several things. Glad you didn't take the bait. I wish you the best 2024 possible.

Just a short update.

Sent some more documents to L. As it turns out, W's lawyer informed her that she completed her financial statement incorrectly. She says she will correct it and have info forwarded to me. Waiting.
So the wheels continue to spin in the mud. Seven months since she filed and my L still has no proposal from her.

Meanwhile, I am getting out every week: to see my sister, going out to eat, finding ways to spend time. I am planning on reconnecting with a volunteer group I used to work with, and an old friend has suggested I come visit for a weekend when the weather gets warmer.

W has fallen into a routine of disappearing one day each weekend for long hours, no doubt with OM. So I do the same (although I don't stay out as late as she does). Based on her reactions, it seems that her speculation that I'm with another woman is growing.

I just say what she does: "I have plans" or "I'm going out" and off I go. I offer no details since she doesn't either.

Bottom line, this DB stuff WORKS. And I am not referring to any hope of getting her back, although her behavioral response is just like MWD describes in the DR book. It is beyond liberating to do what you want, not feel any guilt about it, and take a modicum of control over your life. Last night I watched an old movie from my vast collection of movies. (W used to complain that I spent too much time doing stuff like this, despite the fact that I was lucky to watch one or two movies a week, or none). Now after dinner, if I feel like it, I just go downstairs, put the movie on, and let my mind escape. Bliss.

Why do you care that she’s upset about the tracker?

Never use “I am sorry I made you feel that way”. You can’t be responsible for how she feels. Use something like “ I understand that’s how you feel”.

Don’t think a second about her moral high ground and your mistakes. She’s a whore and you’re working on your side of the street. That’s all you can do.

My immediate reaction was to think of two options:

1. Tell me more about why I should share my location with more than the boys? (Get curious) OR
2. I don't see a need to share my location given the impending D.


I'm not a huge fan of this specific type of validating statement because to me it sounds like apologizing for how someone else feels. I see it pop up in some sample lists of validation statements and wince. My suggestion is something like "I hear you. It is unfortunate it felt that way". I also guess I wonder what the point is in engaging in some of this marital unpacking now, even with her couching it as "advice for future relationships".


Reckless speculation on my part but often when affairs are involved, I understand the "offending" partner can deal with a fair amount of guilt and/or shame. I could see it manifesting as her trying to justify her behavior by looking for ways you "made" her do it. I doubt she feels morally superior.


I'm glad you did not. What purpose would it serve? No point poking the bear at this point. Depending how you feel about it, you may say something like "I'm doing a lot to continuously improve myself for me, our son, and any future partners. I hope I can similarly well-intended feedback at some point". Of course you could leave that last part out so it doesn't seem like tit for tat. You could also say something like, "Going forward, if I'm looking for feedback, I'll ask for it" if you want to shut this down because you don't feel like it adds value for you.


Well put. Our MC told W at one point that "Nobody has power over you unless you give it away". Perhaps your feedback could be, "I hope that going forward we'll both be able to acknowledge our contributions to relationship challenges and be committed to finding solutions with our partners that enhance relationships". Or, you just continue to roll with these conversations and ride them out with validating statements and/or curiosity.

It stinks to be on the receiving end of these conversations. We know we've had better times with our Ws. At this point, negative sentiment override has taken over that we can only influence through work on ourselves. Show, not tell, how much better of a person we are and continue working to be. From where I'm sitting Sun, you're doing as well as possible. You could cut them off by saying you're uncertain that they're productive and would like to discontinue revisiting the "bad times". You can ask for feedback if/when you want it, rather than receiving it unsolicited if you'd prefer not to.

I hope you'll get a better night's rest, Sun. Again, from what you described you did great.