Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - Not Lost Anymore!Being the best version of ME!

Continuation
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2946821#Post2946821

Thanks rock definitely in this for the marathon that it is, whatever it may be. My happiness buckets are pretty full at the moment at least 80% of the time. Work, kids, friends. Working to 100% that’s for sure. It’s my “fix it “ and “impatience” that is still a work in progress.i too am not even interested in the slightest in anything or anyone right now other than myself. You can’t love fully with a wounded heart and only I can heal that with time. I do still have faith that H can get his life and priorities together again and if he does our door may/may not still be open but I’m ok with that regardless. His “move” could save him or destroy him only time will tell but it’s not on me or any reflection of me and it took me a long time to realise that

MA has inspired me to update as our time on here started around the same time. I don’t Have a great deal to update on. The kids and I are fine. Life is Hectic. Some days I am just so stuffed but I wouldn’t have it any other way. D15 and I had an amazing time at Ms Swifts amazing concert.
S13 has just started boxing and I have joined too. I must say it’s great to punch the absolute crxx out of something some days. I’ve joined a local football team playing over 35s and have my first game coming up. Still juggling kids and job and all the running around. Some days I feel like a taxi-mum. H is still in contact but it varies week to week. Sometimes we get nice messages sometimes we get photos. He isn’t great on organising calls to often but I don’t pester him. He has days where he tells me “ the kids hate me everyone hates me”
I just listen. He has even called me a few times and chatted about work and life etc. it’s been nice but he is still very much in in his crisis and in denial from what I can tell. I’m still being the lighthouse I am just not putting my life on hold for him. The underlying pain is mostly gone. How can you be so mad at someone that is so unwell. This isn’t my H or the man I fell in love with this is the man in turmoil with trauma and childhood programming that is trying to find himself to feel worthy. I remember thinking I was so relieved when I realised it was a MLC but I so strongly remember DNJ words saying he hoped it wasn’t that as it truly was a long and bad process and there is no real knowing how they pull through. I can now see exactly what he meant. The crisis could last a few years or never end. It’s not for the faint hearted really. I’m not sure how this story will end but I just take it day by day now. Either way I know I’m going to be ok. Great even. H won’t be. If he doesn’t pull himself through he will be destined for a very miserable life unfortunately.
I do hope that’s not the case for him but it’s not up to me. Never was
Hope everyone is well on here. I hardly have time to jump on anymore

Hi Pattnee!

I finally have two mins to myself, but I’m actually travelling to your city today for work exams. As of this weekend I’ll be study free 🥳

I’m glad you’ve got a bit of peace from your laying on the bed discussion.

Sometimes, those things feel good at the time because you are validated and feel a bit closer to them temporarily, but inevitably they lead to more pain down the track. I had a few of those moments with my XW, and they felt kinda nice at the time (despite me knowing full well we weren’t going to reconcile) - but down the track, the just sort of pi**ed me off and I regretted them.

I’m not telling you what to do - but just a reality check that sometimes things that feel nice in the moment become big regrets later on.

In terms of you finding there’s an OW - I’m sorry. It’s just the biggest punch in the guts. It can make you sad initially, and then angry - you must feel like he blamed you for everything and you were trying to fix those things, only to find that they were a cover up for his own guilt.

I don’t think the veterans ever get any enjoyment from seeing they were right about the likelihood of an affair person 😞

He’s shown his true colours now, and never forget that. He looked for comfort outside of your marriage - and then hid it, and made you feel like it was all your fault. A tiger never changes their stripes.


DNJ is right. Being cheated on hurts terribly. In fact, (my uneducated opinion only) I think it hurts men more acutely but then women more chronically. Men tend to hit rock bottom when they find out, and are much higher risk of self harm etc. But then men tend to get over it more fully and get on with living their happy life. Women tend to cope better in the moment, but it affects them for much longer and some women will never be able to trust a man again.

None of this stuff is in the brochure when you get married. Plainly and simply, separation and divorce and infidelity are the hardest thing you’ll ever go through in your life. If you can survive and flourish despite that, you’re an incredibly strong human being and your life is only going to get better from here.

Keep your chin up.

Pattnee, good to see you doing so well. A couple of things stood out to me that can really help newbies.

First, an MLC isn't the good news many LBSs think it is. "Oh, they are in a MLC, so all I have to do is wait it out!" First, I don't like calling it a Mid-life Crisis. It is more likely a Mid-life Change. As in, this new person they have become IS who they are now. I think we like the idea of a crisis because it means that it has an end date. Most, unfortunately, do not.

Second, I love how peaceful you have become through emotional detachment. Your reaction to what he said to you, your feeling about, just everything screams emotional detachment! Even the "His mess, his "stuff", good luck to him...." is all pure emotional detachment. Newies take note: this is what you are striving for.

Great update, Pattnee. Good luck with the ARFB. Sounds fun (even if I never understood that sport as a dumb Yankee!).

Yep I do remember that. Sorry I am sure there are lots of women doing the same. It really has become far too common where people think marriages and relationships are disposable and when the going gets tough you can get going. I am sure men and women back 30+ years ago also suffered midlife crisis, also suffered from “wow the daily grind is tough I wish I had a different life”
But they dug deep and kept going.

Hugs Pattnee. It must have been so hard watching him get on that plane, it must have felt like the closing the book on the biggest chapter in your life.

You’re an absolute boss 😎

Him getting on that plane is something he was always going to do in one form or another (running away from his self loathing) and when this MLC kicked off, his trajectory was totally out of your control.

He hates himself, but you loved him unconditionally and upheld your end of the bargain. That’s something you should be proud of.

Time to get busy living.

Good for you, Patt. It isn't any of his business if you do or don't date. Ourselves, our kids, family, friends, careers, etc. can bring lots of joy and happiness without requiring that an intimate relationship be in the mix, especially while in the DB process. I'd forgotten how busy I can remain when focusing on these things and how much more meaningful the interactions can be when given more time and attention. It is so wonderful to read about your progress. I wish you much happiness in 2024.

Hi all
Just wanted to jump on here before Christmas madness rolls around and give a quick update(or not real update). One of the best things was finding divorce busting book and this forum in April this year. BD was 11 Dec 2022 so a year on. H moves to America for work on 3rd January so only a few weeks left of him around. Kids don’t seem too phased. I have really dropped the rope and let him go. I’ve left him to whatever higher power or god or whatever is out there and whatever they have in store for this man. Right now I am finding myself again finding my feet and enjoying feeling grounded again. Letting go is hard. I know how all you newbies feel. However if your spouses are in MlC that problem is bigger than you or I or anyone can fix. Since letting go I’ve really detached from H in the sense of not putting pressure on him smothering him saying stuff anything that triggers him. He just triggers himself now and gets mad at himself haha.
I too, was like many, and believed there was no AP but I hate to say it there almost always is. I only recently discovered that he was having an EA or “friendship” as he called it by accidentally coming across something. Last week he even opened up a bit and said “ I have to go and meet that friend for half an hour and get out of that mess. I neeed to end everything she has a lot of issues and I’ve been dragged into that mess”. Turns out she was a “lonely married woman” that I can only assume was an old work colleague. He then got angry for telling me all that. To be honest it didn’t phase me in the slightest. My response was “ my advice to your friend would be to tell her to turn her focus to her own husband and fight for her marriage rather than seeking stuff elsewhere and destroying other people’s lives” he just nodded and told me I was being far to wierd and calm. I actually didn’t even care. I can only imagine the mess he has got himself into. Allowing a lonely married woman into his private life and manipulating ( yep let’s be honest that’s what a lot of women are good at) a weak MLC man to blow up his whole world. Safe to say it’s all on him. His mess, his $hit, good luck to him and his conscious. He’s ramped up the drinking and the whingeing about his age again ( likely because the move is coming up and to Drown out his consience)

Meanwhile I am good. I have a few plans of redecorating when he leaves, will enjoy the extra wardrobe space. Joining a local sporting club in the new year. As a kid I was super sporty and always wanted to play Australian rules football but unfortunately when I was growing up, girls were not allowed to play. Times have changed so I am going to be joining a “masters” team ( over 35s) and looking forward to it. Then I’m just throwing myself into my kids my family my friends. I’ve wasted enough time and energy on H this last year. MLC really suck. Mine has followed the script pretty closely. I would say he’s only 18-20 months in so he’s still got another year or two left if he even manages to grow up and grow through it. I do hope the space and him being on the other side of the world is the kick up the ass he needs but he could also just stay like this way forever. And that’s ok because honestly I’m finally knowing I’m ok now and I have a lot to live for in this life and he isn’t going to be my anchor
Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas
Will keep you updated on post move( I am prepared I will cry but not in front of him)

This part really leaped out at me. Likely the AP ended things and that was why he was so upset. In both of my situations, when my wife's EAs ended I saw her mourn. It was rough knowing the second time that she was mourning the loss of another man in her life. The first time I saw it as grief for what she had done, until I found an email to some friends of hers explaining how sad she was at the loss of the EAP.

As far as how long he has left in MLC, I often tell people that the C in MLC should be for Change, not for Crisis. Sometimes people never go back to who they were before. So my hope is for you that deep down you're not still expecting that he'll magically snap out of it someday. It could happen but you can't wait for that. I see a lot of LBSs of MLC WASs just stuck waiting for that day to come. Please don't, keep moving your life forward.

Thanks Steve and Mr P and Kind.
Steve you are absolutely 100% right , never wait for them to snap out of it. There is no snapping back. The old person is long dead as is the old marriage. I am more curious who the new version of H is if and when he emerges, and first and foremost I pray it’s the amazing father he once was for those kids. This is a marathon. He will ( hopefully) work his way through this and come out a new person. I know only time will tell if that new person is one I still love and want to rebuild with or not but I am not putting my life on hold waiting for that. I do have faith that he can get himself through.
The old marriage and relationship is long dead. I don’t want that back anyway. I don’t want one filled with the lies and secrets and anger and blame and deceits. I want one full of honesty and trust and no secrets. Any chance H and I may have really needs to rebuild something new. However that’s not what he wants right now.
I agree MRP there is a lot of guilt and shame in his telling me to date. To be honest I don’t even think he means it, but is saying it to relieve his shame. Good luck to him if he thinks dating is going to miraculously make him happy for 5 minutes. He is reliving his youth of being 20 and likely wanting to sleep around and make up for lost time and feel like he is still wanted and still “has it’. It’s very sad as he is almost 50 and acting like an absolute goose but can’t see it. The maturity level in these people who are in this fog is hilariously ridiculous.
As for me I am good. Do I want to date? Not really not right now and to be honest it’s none of his business if I do or don’t. My focus is me, the kids, family and friends and filling my life with joy and happiness( one thing H does not have)

Thanks Card so lovely to hear from you and read your update.
Thought I would jump on and give a quick update now that it's been about 3 weeks since H left the country. Initially was a rough few days which I expected with emotions. He left all his stuff behind and took two suitcases of clothes so ive packed stuff up and spread out my clothes and slowly changing the room to be more " me". Kids are still on holidays for another week so we have been BUSY; single parenting is HARD. My family is helping where possible but they are also soooo angry at H that we have had so many fights etc that I am finding it much more peaceful for me to just do things solo; I have my best friend who has been a great ear of support with her husband too. He went though his own depression thing a few years back and she understands a lot about stuff. Plus the hardest part of blocking out all the background noise. I just find it easier to not talk about H and if someone brings him up just deflect. He has been " group messaging" me and the kids daily. Even called me last week after a week and a half just for a chat. Has gotten up early on a few occasions to FaceTime the kids or play online trivial pursuit, but for most the kids are busy so often just don't respond to messages. Typical teens. It's hard being a single parent. Im dealing with teen issues, D14 sneaking out to a party, S12 having friendship issues. But honestly I have just put H in a box and shelved him because it's the easiest way for me to cope while he's not here being a parent. Seems he's befriending a stray neighbourhood cat and freezing his butt off in the current central winter conditions.
How am I mentally/ emotionally? Im ok. I went to my first football training last week and remember that nervous feeling of walking in to something knowing nobody but boy was I embraced. It was great to run around for 1.5 hours too. I realised how much I missed team sport. I grew up playing team sport and even though I still go to the gym, there's something so soothing about being part of the team. Kids and I are good, we are becoming a well oiled machine.Lots of routine in place, taking them away to friends places, doing day trips, going hiking, S12 started boxing, life is generally good. I am so sad for H missing this and these precious moments. However the bond me and the kids are developing is absolutely unbreakable. They are my little rockstars. And we are photographing everything. These memories are priceless. Work and career is nothing. Family is everything,
Its funny a few years back for Mothers day my H gave me a card with this wooden plaque on the front that I removed and stuck on our fridge.
It read "Love is at the heart of our family"
I look at it every day and am so thankful for having my family my kids my babies and so much love in this home- especially while H is freezing his butt off in a foreign city, eating fast food and trying to establish new friends.
Stay tuned ill keep you updated how this story unfolds, but so far as hard as single parenting is, I would never in my wildest dreams trade it for a job on the other side of the world