DnJ such wise words as always with the dopamine and the scattered brain etc. I am nowhere near ready for any new relationship when I still carry so much hurt so much baggage and still so much love for my dysfunctional H. As nice as the moments of admiration and flirting and sexual contact are, and as much I am craving to be hugged or kissed or touched, I do look upon myself as a 42 year old female and know where my values etc stand and to be honest right now I am in no state to dedicate my heart to anyone her. So me giving it away would really be unfair and me trying to use a bandaid. Now card, I’m not saying the same is happening for you but you really have to go deep within and ensure you are truly ready for that, or if it’s just a superficial bandaid while your wounded heart heals. As a female I would hate to be involved in a partially broken man, so I too feel any man that I get involved in doesn’t deserve a partially broken version of me. They deserve the real me, the amazing me, the healed me because that’s the version that’s going to stick and go a long way. Conversations Are amazing but I am finding them elsewhere rather than in the arms of men. That’s for H to do his superficial affair crap and live with that for the rest of his life. For me I think my heart is one hell of a precious thing and only the best deserve it, So before I give it away I wanna ensure it’s in the best possible state to give it
I remember having dreams to Card. Some felt so real, like I felt H whispering to me or his presence. It was really quite upsetting. I was glad to be getting some sleep and then that happens it’s really annoying. I think it’s just part of the processing of our minds. I am sure you are thinking about W constantly so of course the dreams Come too. The moment I stopped spending every waking thought thinking of H or assessing things etc mine have stopped
it's been a very good last week. Had some fun events with the kids and also with friends. Football team had a monster win on Saturday and I was at the game celebrating with a group. My voice is still shot from all of the yelling.
Excellent!
One of the weirdly difficult lessons folks learn is it’s still ok to have fun times during all this.
Extra bro-hug for today. (((Hug))) I empathize my friend. Those anniversaries and special days, especially the first year after BD, are tough. Hang in there.
Thank you, MrP. I was definitely using this to vent. I want to scream all of that at W but know it will accomplish nothing except negatives.
I have some good friends that I'm confiding with, I'm going through a grief recovery class (next Thursday is the 8th out of 8 classes), and I have an ongoing schedule with IC. I do think I'll get there, but it's rough right now. The child situation is much more complicated than in my first D where it was just one kid with one mom. But I do remember feeling zero hope that that situation would ever feel good and it did. But knowing there's hoping and feeling hopeful are two very different things.
Halloween was so fun. D11 was a box of her favorite candy (I made it). S1 was a construction worker. Nailed both of them. S1 trick or treated for about 20 houses before I took him to my mom's. D11 and I went hard for 2 hours. She collected 7 lbs of candy and was very excited about it. Most of it will end up donated or baked into Halloween cookies for people at work, but it was fun.
That's so funny that you hope for a white Christmas. Is that because of all of the snowy movies and songs? I just assumed people in Australia were used to summery Christmas. I've always thought that would be the hardest thing for me to get used to if I moved there.
As far as W, I'm honestly not very hopeful she will have a change of heart and want to come back. By that I mean I'm not living in hope, although I still think anything is possible. She shares her mom's tendancy to never admit fault and pretend everything is great. My xW *eventually* came clean about her affair, apologized and asked to try again. But I had already moved on. Throughout that DB process, I always thought she had it in her to admit her fault. I don't know if current W has it in her. It's a lack of honesty, but more than that, it's a lack of self confidence. xW, through her faults, does have a lot of confidence. W doesn't. And I think in this case, even if she were to get over her affair and want to rejoin our family, I think she wouldn't have the guts to say it for fear of rejection.
But then again, what do I know haha. I'm mind-reading with that statement. I think I'm doing the right thing, focusing on me, the kids and friends. It's crazy how different my second DB process is from the first. Could not stop thinking about xW for months. Mind went crazy every day wondering if there was OM. This time I know there probably is, but for the most part I legitimately don't care and don't worry about it. Hopefully that continues.
I, personally, would not bring it up. She's going to tell you what she thinks you want to hear. I would just let it go for now. There's nothing you can do about it except create an even deeper divide between the two of you.
Keep the focus on you and your children. This is a business deal that is going south and you have been invited on a trip that you didn't want to take. Try to remember, you can't control anything she does, says or her emotions...the only person you can control is yourself and how you react to everything. Who knows, she may have wanted to see what your reaction would be to the photo. Time may very well tell you more. Sit quietly and trust me, the answers will come.
One more thing...this situation w/your spouse is between the two of you. Try not to involve others in the situation because, if, at some point you both opt to try again, it will make it harder for her to return if family and friends know about what is going down between the two of you.
Keep that focus on you and dig deeper for patience.
DnJ, genius of you to spot the parallel between my current thoughts with work vs. love. For the last few days, I've stopped texting her. There’s lots of long term reasons not to do anything with her (or anyone else rn). All of the reasons to continue are short term. I knew it was a bad idea and was seeking a bucket of ice water here. Thanks for delivering
Pattnee, I’m sure our situations have differences, but I am the same in that I’m not healed yet. I’ve been struggling to understand exactly where I am, really. This D is much more complicated emotionally for me than the first.
D#1 was 7-8 months of intense pain and loss. I had more and more good days over that period, but mostly it was just misery, hopelessness, even physical pain. Then it was all suddenly gone in an instant. I havent missed W#1 since.
This time, I never had the mega intense loss feelings, not on the level or the first D. Maybe it was because I somewhat anticipated this one, I knew from experience that I would be okay, or some other reason. After the first couple of months, I have mostly felt good, but have days here and there where I struggle. I’m trying to be mindful of what may have been the trigger when those bad days arrive. It was such a clean change the first time, this one feels like I’m stuck in limbo. It’s not simple, linear progress. When I step back and think about how it’s only been 5 months, I know it’s still early. I need to be more conscious in stepping back and observing myself from a 3rd person perspective. When I’m honest here, I get that from you all. So thanks to both of you for commenting
I did a lot of thinking last night. I think this little "spark" with a girl has helped me realize how I'm not healed from W, not even close. For a while I thought maybe I really had processed it, while in the back of my mind I was wondering if I had just buried the feelings. It's obvious now it was the latter. My days are busy from start to finish, and I've lost the plot with giving myself even that 15 minutes a day to sit and feel the pain if it's there (or walk in the woods and feel the pain, you know what I mean).
The weeks I have the kids, I'm busy from start to finish with work and kids. By the time the D11 is in bed, I don't even want to sit and watch TV, I just want to go to bed, too.
The weeks I don't have the kids, I don't want to be alone in the house, so I'm hanging out with a friend or friends almost every night. I'm also going to the gym 7 days a week. I need to find that minimum 15 minutes a day to just feel whatever is there. On the busy days, I might just need to turn the radio off in the car, or go for a walk at night once the kids are in bed.
Thanks for the personal story. I do know I love alone time, always have. Just sometimes lately I don't want to be alone.
My favorite alone time is a solo round of golf on an empty course. 3 hours with no phone, no conversation, just walking, seeing, listening and thinking. Weather has been crap here lately, but hopefully I get some opportunities soon. The key is for the weather to get just good enough for me to enjoy myself, but not so good that the course is packed.
I also like to run, but I usually listen to music so it's not the same meditative state.
A couple years ago, I bought a little scooter/moped (a Honda Ruckus, if you want to see what they look like). I can kill an entire Saturday afternoon just rolling around the city on that thing. Can't wait for the warmer weather to enjoy that again.
I also have enjoyed drawing/art back in the past. I bought some new pens to do some drawings but haven't started that yet.
