Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

Following on from here as I get better



https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...at&Number=2946270&gonew=1#UNREAD

Good Morning Patt


Well, they did. Granted, long ago they were set along this path.

Past trauma(s) from an authority figure caused hurts that got buried and remained unresolved for decades. Around midlife, events and situations occur which their immature emotional coping and capacity still cannot resolve. Old feelings, new feelings, all start swirling around within them. That emotional rising tide engulfs, drowns, and consumes them. And they run.

It’s not they like it, they are driven. They detest themselves and their life. Yet cannot accept nor look inward. Such is the magnitude of their torment, it is barely imaginable to us. With that, they blame and project upon those they love. Spouse, kids, family, pets, whatever and whomever gets in their way get mowed down.

Their crafted narrative flys counter to reality and life’s ample feedback. Yet they do not, and cannot, yield to or see such truth. They must, absolutely must, adhere to their narrative. And sadly, they even believe it.

In time, some will walk their path and find their way. Though glacially slow is their progress.


Big Red Stop Sign!

Reset your thinking and influencing upon yourself.

Believe nothing they say… Remember? H hates his life. Hates himself. And will project and lash out his inner hatred towards you and the world, or whatever gets in his way.

My XW’s words and behaviours had a demoralizing affect on me too. In my case, she was totally indifferent towards me. OM was her new love. She tossed aside me and the kids and her life, and ran to him. Not even so much as tossed aside, not even that much effort, she just left. Sure, walking away from a marriage is one thing. Walking away from her own children was on a whole other level.

A crisis is a horrible existence. Six years for my XW. Six years! And she is merely existing. From the views I get, her life is not all gold and rainbows. One can polish a turd until it shines, yet it is still a turd. She has missed out on graduations, convocations, Christmases, Birthdays, and so many family times and love.

I saw XW a few days ago. My best friend was out for a visit and he and I went grocery shopping. On our way to the store we saw a car parked next to the closed town office. Thought nothing of it. Got our supplies for our feast and headed back home. My usual going around the block route was busy - a rarity for my wee town - so I went around the other way. We got home, unpacked, and realized we had forgot the beans.

So, we headed back to town. On route, saw the same car, still parked by the closed building. Got our two cans of beans and headed back home. This time my usual route was clear, which takes me by the town office. Turning the corner by the office and it was XW’s car with her scrolling on her phone. She was siphoning free wifi from the closed office. At this point, I’ve seen her parked there for twenty minutes. No idea how long before she started or how long after she remained. BF’s immediate comment was how her behaviour just screams desperation.

According to the kids and XW’s own account, OM is not one for technology or the internet or things like that. In fact, he doesn’t even utilize contacts on his iPhone, he types in the number. Never mind surfing. He did have an old computer when she moved in, though not much else. Do they have internet? Wifi at home? I do suspect so. So why surf parked elsewhere than your comfy couch?

Over the years, I’ve stumbled upon XW utilizing wifi at different closed establishments. Sometimes in the afternoon, sometimes late at night. She’s not alone in that behaviour, as there are a few other folks who prop themselves against a building while doom scrolling their time away.


Yep. H will attack you to make himself feel better. As misguided as that is. And as short sided and ultimately failing as that is.

And yes, cruel and mean. And projection. His inner torment projected upon you. Know, his path and demons has little to nothing to do with you.

Do work through your emotions regarding this. Not try, do. And it’s not working through the comment, it’s working through why it triggers such emotions within you.

H knows you, knows what buttons to press, and knows how to hurt you. All perfectly normal by the way. We are full of self doubts with bomb drop and them running away from us. Although, in time you’ll realize they are trying to run from themselves.

My XW didn’t run half way across the globe, she merely went 1/2 mile south to my neighbour’s house. Distance matters not, we are still a world apart.


It takes time to transmute such poisonous words. Much like my W did, your H has that old access to your inner self. Years of living and loving together, you trust and believe him. And therefore accept as truth what he says. You need to find that you now: once trusted and believed him. Past tense, no longer present tense. And that takes some time; goes along with sorting out our deeply held convictions (sans spouse).

Realize, H is not powerful enough to shatter you. Although he can trigger it.

My life was built with W. Her betrayal exploded the very foundation of our life. It takes time to gather the pieces, look them over, and decide which to keep and which to discard. It’s surprising that the spouse size hole in our life is more illusionary than first appears. Such is grief. Such is the fleeting nature of feelings.

One’s discovers their foundation is more solid than they realize. We repair. Kintsugi. A cherished vessel whose pieces are bonded with gold. Version 2.0 is beautiful and elegant and more refined.


It is unlikely anything positive would come from unleashing upon H.

An incredible strength and fortitude is awaking within you. Temper it with compassion, understanding, empathy, and forgiveness. Become, gild the repairs in gold, walk in the light, and shine.

D

Thanks Kind. Yep very very true.I think I’m going to call a meeting next week on my day off work. It’s time.
My 42 birthday is about 6 weeks away too and I am getting a bunch of friends together for a night out and booking a night in a hotel in the city ( even though I live 3km away from a major city) just so I can spoil myself enjoy a night out, not worry about getting up the next day and having a laugh

I just wrote this on a sticky note and put it on my work monitor.

Pattnee, your journey is inspirational, and I'm very happy for you that you found this community. I also agree about MLC, I thought it just meant you bought a sports car or something. And maybe that is for some people, others it's something much more painful. Keep the focus on you and the kids

Thanks DnJ always love your insight. H does see the kids almost daily, mainly for school runs and after school when I work, sport weekends, usually only if there’s an “errand” of some sort. Certainly no “fun” things. He took S12 for an ice cream the other day so that was good. S12 loves spending time with him. We can’t do the 50/50 because of where he lives so there’s no overnights with dad. Another reason why I am moving toward the splitting of everything and going our seperate ways with a proper arrangement in place where there’s a schedule for the kids. So s12 doesn’t keep asking when he’s seeing dad.
I’ve gotten a lot of legal advice lately which is good and where my current mindset is coming from. Initially they were emotion driven responses you know the ones where he’s gotten angry or done something and I throw up my hands and say in my mind “ right I’m done “. That was a few months back. The last month or so since I feel I have let go of everything and H I feel it’s a deeper feeling now. It’s one from more clarity. Less about me and how I feel and more about what’s best for the kids and me, what’s best for my future and what I deserve. And maybe it’s what’s best for H. Maybe his life is just a bit too easy right now to be cushy as he hasn’t felt the full impact of being separated as he’s still so involved in our lives.
Regardless it’s now a daily thought a daily plan something that I feel is needed despite how hard and painful it will be. I know H and he would happily coast in comfort zone for years and years if he could. That’s not a life I see for myself. I remember early on in the piece when I first joined the lovely Steve said something about a drop date. I always had it in the back of my head that I would give it a year give him what he asked for a year before I move along. By no means am I feeling that pressure but it is something that creeps in to my mind. I’m proud of myself for a year. I can walk away with my head held high that I tried, and there comes a time where we have to let go. Not because we don’t see it working or a future ( because I do, I can still imagine growing old with H if he emerges from his current MLC regardless of what form he is in and what changes have occurred because I know they are never the same) but I am feeling I am letting go and walking away because there comes a time when you do have to stop the chase for the bare minimum. And I deserve better I really do. One thing I’ve really come to realise is I want H but I definitely don’t need him. I feel sorry for him alot, he has a hard slog ahead of him and chosen to do it alone.The “going through the motion” can’t be a great feeling in life.


DnJ you said it perfectly and a lot of where I am sitting now. I have muted him and love it. My main focus is me and the kids and what’s best for me and the kids and what our future holds and I am excited for it. I am excited to step forward without the financial burden of H shadow and make decisions for me and the kids, spoil them, have fun, enjoy life because it is so precious, and leaving H behind seeing as he doesn’t want to come for the ride.

I’m excited. I’m so very excited. Scared? Yes, nervous? Yes. Just because I’m moving this way I don’t feel like I can’t still be that lighthouse. Just because I am moving forward doesn’t mean deep down I don’t still feel that if the pieces fall in place correctly that reconciliation isn’t possible. As I said I won’t be filing for divorce. We have to wait here for that. This is all just legal separation agreements and child custody arrangements and splitting our financials for now. It still is a big step away from eachother but just maybe H needs to move away from me completely to see what he once had and lost.

Thanks for everything you say and do on here. Hopefully one day in the next year or two I can be a Vet and help whoever has gone through this.
Can I also just say there needs to be wayyyyy more exposure around MLC in this world. I always thought it was a Hollywood gimmick.

You're doing great!

IMO, I would give a warning, but not all the specifics. "Hey H, can you be available to meet next week? I'd like to discuss with you my plans moving forward regarding the house, separation, etc'.

I'm sure a vet can word it better than I did, but something like that is what I'd recommend.

Thanks MA. You were an inspiration too to be honest. I just don’t “care” for his mess anymore. I don’t feel anything towards it. My kids are my courage. H isn’t coming home anytime soon nor do I want him to the way he is. It’s time for me to move forward without him and I’m ok with that.
I just need to figure out how to pre warn him about booking a conversation next week and getting things moving. He has chosen this reality and now he needs to live with the concequences and I am ok about that knowing I did all I could

Good Morning Patt

Yep, a steady ship. All that cacophony and chaos can occur elsewhere.

It’s a bit of trek letting go the drama. Our situations are pretty full of dramatic events. And living with such, we kind of get used to that. When our situations, when we, start to stabilize we still have that kind of need for drama. It’s one of the reasons folks feel they need to do something. Calm and peaceful are, for a while, a bit unknown and do get rediscovered.

There is a required time to find one’s center when getting off the rollercoaster and then riding the swan ride down the lazy river. Just like in an actual amusement park, directly hoping off the sky screamer coaster and on to the gentle swan, our emotions are still ramped up and we are full of energies. Takes a bit to adjust to the calm gentle flow of the waters and the serene environment.

Indifference takes time to adjust to. You are in calm waters now. You are captain of your ship. A ship on a pretty steady tack. Leave H to his drama, you’ve got plenty of things ongoing in your life. Work, kids, gym, travelling, and so on.

It feels really good when we embrace our full and fulfilling life, drama free.

By the way, you didn’t waste 2023, it was a needed investment into self.

D

Thanks Card and MA. Surprisingly I feel extremely calm right now. Sad yes but calm. It is still very hard to hear H constantly use my past infidelity 9 years ago as his main reason even though we had long since moved past it and he had forgiven me long long ago. I have to keep reminding myself this isn’t the reason and it’s most likely the MLC rearing it’s ugly head-( although I also acknowledge that was traumatic for him and maybe he hadn’t fully dealt with it and now it’s resurfsced and reliving his trauma ). H obviously has a lot of work to do on himself to deal with his own demons before there’s any chance of us reestablishing a marriage that will stand the rest of time. I realise that so clearly now.
I won’t let my past dictate who I am right now or who I will become. I have used my past mistakes to be the lesson to strengthen me to be who I am today and who I will become ( even if that’s not the person my H wants anymore)

I still love him so deeply and want the best for him but for now he needs to live his reality he has chosen which is a life without me. Hopefully he finds the strength to rise through this and help himself instead of spiral but either way it’s his path and I finally finally know that know when I fought it for so long and kept holding on making it my path too. For now I have to figure out how to “friendzone “ him 😆 and he his lighthouse


I think mine and H relationship is a bit strange he’s been so connected and in and out of my life from day 1. He’s wanted to basically switch from lovers to friends and I’ve gone along with it. I think eventually I could get to a place where I could really be friends with him but the pain deep down is still so raw.
Maybe one day we become a DB success story where we reconcile ( I realise now how long and enduring this MLC will actually be and it may still be years) but regardless I still feel like a success because without discovering DB, this forum, this support, I would still be buried in a mountain of tears and clinging for dear life. I would no way be where I am today.It’s taught me what it means to detach and taught me the most important person in this world is me so Thankyou everyone.

Yeah I go to the group gym I like about 2-3 times a week ( although it’s hard with work and kids.) I used to go at 5am before H left so I could squeeze it in before work but now I’m limited to my days off ( 2 days) and then sometimes a day on weekends. I also walk the dog almost daily sometimes for up to an hour. It’s my “go -to” when I find my emotions taking over and really helps.
Thanks for checking In Kind. I am thinking of starting running again over summer( I loved that I managed a half marathon in 2021, so it would be good to build that back up

I do have to keep reminding myself. As human, there are fleeting moments where I question myself and do get quite hard on myself wondering if there’s any truth to all his words and actions and was it that bad. It’s hard when they distort the reality and actually make us believe it. Then I remember our real reality and history and can easily see his crisis mode. This isn’t the same man, and if this “new man” is the one that is hanging around for the next 40years it certainly isn’t the one I want to grow old with that’s for sure. I always thought I would be growing old with H. Now I can see it was the old H not this new version of H. The same way we loved who they were not who they are transforming into becoming( whether it be permanent or temporary) I am open to still loving H in the future should he emerge out of this but it will depend who he is, where his values and morals lie, and he would have to be 110% all in. I refuse to ever put myself through this again by merely “settling”