Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - I’m back :(

I was here 9 years ago or so. Divorced with a young daughter (now 11). This place was a godsend. I had the worst 8 months of my life, but people here got me through it. I came out on the other side so happy. I may have started dating too soon (1 yr after divorce), but I was in love and I did it. We’ve been together for 7 years, married for nearly 3. We have an 18 month old. And it happened again. Bomb drop #2 in my life.

This one was not as much of a surprise. Wife has not been the same person for a year. Negative moods, stressed out all the time. I started getting a sinking feeling for our marriage a few months ago. We’ve started counseling, but she’s already out the door.

A little background: She has MS. She was diagnosed a year after we started dating. Most medications have not helped. She struggles with anxiety in general, but especially when it came to MS. For years, her symptoms were physical and not outwardly visible (something she’s been worried about). A couple years ago, they became more cognitive. Lapses in concentration, unable to follow conversations as easily, cant think of the right word (“fork” instead of “bowl”), and short term memory issues. She’s a teacher and some days she couldn’t recall her student’s names.

We thought her struggles, anxiety and unhappiness were all based around MS. She has struggled getting her career started with it and now she doesn’t know if she can continue to teach.

But today she said after talks with her neurologist and personal counselor, a lot of her problems are with our marriage, not just MS. In particular, her relationship with my mother. My mom is not well, if you ask me. My dad died 12 years ago, and she has hardly had any social interactions outside of her kids, l grandkids and extended family. She works at home and is home alone nearly every hour of the week. From the start, she was not welcoming to W. It took a few months when we were first dating for me to realize, but she was intentionally ice cold to SO/W. I’ve talked to her in many occasions and she has these irrational theories on why W is a bad spouse/person. I never understood them. We talked, sometimes argued, one time yelled, but nothing really changed. I thought it had at least become cordial, but I missed just how deeply this hurt W. She’s from out of town and was looking for a much different R with her MIL. She wanted love and companionship and got the opposite.

A critical error may have been buying our current house. It’s 2 doors from my mom. We moved in 3 years ago. It was my grandma’s house. She died, and my mom/aunts sold it to us for a great price. Felt like we couldn’t pass it up. Wish I could turn back time… I thought maybe proximity would break the ice, but nothing changed. My mom loves our son, but still ignores W. It [censored].

I was already thinking we needed to move. Housing market and interest rates are terrible now, of course. And then in our first marriage counseling session, the counselor immediately recognized my mom’s behavior as “spouse replacement”. She’s widowed, she got to be “mom” to my daughter when I was going through D#1, and was threatened when W#2 entered the picture. She has shunned her as a result. This freaked me out and I started talking to realtors the next day. I would love things to improve with my mom, but she’s been like this for years. I’m not counting on a change there.

So today at Bomb Drop #2, W tells me the primary problem in our marriage is MIL. I’m sickened, angry, sad. Just in a dark place. Mad that my mom is this ill that she was able to successfully poison our marriage (if this turns out to be the real root).

It’s just a very sad day for me. I really didn’t think we’d ever get here. I do feel like I’ve let my end of the marriage slip. I neglected some of W’s needs. I mainly feel like I’m a fool for not learning enough from my first marriage. W#2 has been such a wonderful person in my life and I’m sick of the idea if that being done, although as I said it hasnt felt like that in a while.

Anyway, I’m sorry for only popping back in now that I’m hurting, but I appreciate anyone that wants to lend an ear.

Situation tonight is she went to stay at a friend’s. Son is asleep here. And I have no idea how to explain any of this to D11 , who is back with me starting tomorrow (I have her week on, week off).

Any immediate recommendations? I will say, I currently feel comfortable letting go, not pursuing. I’m sure that order will come and go. We have a counseling session scheduled this week, and we both agreed we should go.

You need to exercise WAY more. That’s the key to resetting your sleep.

Read my thread about the importance of exercise, and don’t make excuses or give us reasons why you can’t do it (I don’t have time, I’m too busy, I have a knee injury blah blah blah).

Heavy exercise is better than IC for mental health and sleep during divorce.

So glad you feel less lonely too. What about hobbies? Things you can do at home to GAL and occupy yourself( please don’t video game or drink because that’s my H issue and that’s not constructive at all)
I have started to enjoy having a bath, or watching movies with D14 ( the notebook the other night her request), board games. You may find solo things and hobbies you may like? Building things? Painting? Puzzles? Social is good I invite people over but I know you don’t have anyone around. Don’t be scared to reach out to old friends and chat? Maybe look into support groups for this that maybe have virtual meetings? Anything that stops you sitting around and wallowing in your thoughts and distracts you is a success in my eyes.
MS is a horrible disease and W is most likely petrified and pushing away people in fear of not dragging them down with her. Maybe she feels she doesn’t want to ruin your life? There would be more underlying factors and issues. People handle medical crisis and issues very differently. Withdrawing is common for many. I really feel for your wife she must be also struggling with the idea that she can’t be a good mother to your son as she progresses or maybe even questioning her mortality and how long she will get to see when do things
It really is horrible.

In regard to what to tell your D11 for now I would just tell her she’s having a bit of a hard time and having some space. I don’t think you need to bring her into all the emotional side of things. The less they know for now the better. Until you both have a more solid idea of what’s going on at least. She will click on, kids are smart and know more than you think. It’s also ok for her to see you sad or cry. Emotions are so healthy and kids need to understand it’s ok to cry. My kids often saw me teary in the early days and I would just say “ I just miss dad and am sad and it’s ok to cry when we are sad or miss someone” .Mind you it’s only if they saw me I always made sure to try and hide it as best as I could but I remember those early days were very hard.

Sun I’m so sorry to hear about your wife too. I don’t know if age matters. Maybe it does. H is 49 I am 41. I’ve never thought about the age difference even though he looks older than me. I always saw us as equals. He did used to say he was jealous of me but I think that’s just him and he’s always jealous of everyone. I was prepared to grow old with him even though he would age and have more issues sooner than me. age is Just a number but in a MLc they certainly start to question their mortality and their life and everything they think they miss

Well done Card. That was a good conversation with daughter (and Mom).