I told myself that I wouldn't post here anymore, but here I am. I've been posting here since early 2011. It's been a very long time. I'm sure you can find my story if you dig around the site.
So, I have four sons. They all live here in Arizona. I don't have a relationship with son #1. He avoids everyone like the plague. Son #2 has told me that he wants to move to Michigan in a few months. Son #4 is thinking about moving to California. I also found out that XW may be moving to Ohio. Even this bothers me. Don't ask me why, because I don't know the answer.
I'm 55 years old and spend most of my time working or at home with my two cats who I adore. I will occasionally see a movie, but that's it. I don't have a social life. I talk to people more on Facebook than people in "real-life." A lot of them, I've never met. A lot of them are friends because we met online through our common love of Bald Eagles. Others are former listeners or coworkers of mine from my radio days. I also don't have much money and live paycheck to paycheck. Other than a very little in my 401k, I have nothing saved.
The problem is, and it has been eating at me, I'm now suddenly scared to be alone as I get older. I'm scared of needing help and not being able to get it. Again, money isn't great and I'm not in the best of health. I have Diabetes, Heart Disease and have a little extra weight. Up until my early 40s, when everything exploded, I was a nationally known, award-winning country music radio disc jockey. Now I'm extremely shy and avoid people and really have no friends other than people that I see at work. I do have one female friend that I see occasionally. She is married and the three of us will have dinner from time to time. My sons live across town about 20 miles away. They have their own lives and I see them 4-5 times a year. I have a relationship with them, but I wouldn't call us extremely close.
As time went by after the divorce, I actually liked my time alone and still do, but I've got this fear of really, REALLY being alone and having nobody.
Does anyone have anything to suggest? I mean, I could go on a dating site and HOPE to meet someone and fall in love, but I'm not really sure I want to do that. I'm not looking for "love", but I don't want to be alone in this world with nobody. I do have a brother, but I don't see him because he is a drug addict and has had many run-ins with the law.
I don't really mind being by myself (not alone) I really don't. I just worry and worry too much about "what ifs.".
I guess I should start making plans like you said DnJ.
Bttrfly, as for my brother, I will not be contacting him. I don't trust him and don't want or need to be around his lifestyle.
DnJ, I'm pretty sure that your post sets the record for one of the longest posts in history. Please don't take that the wrong way. It's just a lot to decipher.
As for sons moving. I guess I just assumed that all of us would always stay in Arizona. You'd think that I would have learned my lesson about assuming things from BD.
I do have a couple of breaking news items:
1.Son #4 is NOT moving to California. Matter of fact, he told me today that he is staying in Arizona and looking to buy a house here.
2.I joined the Audubon Society today! It's a first step right? It's a start. I will check their calendar and see if there are any events coming up that I can participate in.
I will keep you posted.
I'm off to spend the evening with my kitty cats. (I call them "the divas" because they are spoiled rotten.)
As for photography, I do plan to get out once the weather is cooler. Not sure if there are groups in the area or not.
I will talk to my son and look into the app.
I love your idea about the kitty cat rescue group too.
The lady friend that I have dinner with occasionally also suggested a birding group. I'm seriously considering joining the Audubon Society. They have a couple of chapters in the Phoenix area. That would get me interacting with people while enjoying my love of birds.
I'll post an update once I get the courage to do something.
I love the birding group and cat rescue group ideas. You should definitely join a local chapter of the Audubon Society.
Originally Posted by tadpole1025
once I get the courage to do something.
It’s not so much finding your courage, it’s more letting go the fear. It’s that first step. And it can be a scary one. Interesting thing about courage and strength and such. One finds it in the most unlikely places.
One may pray for courage and wonder why they don’t feel any stronger or more courageous. Wonder why God has not helped. Thing is, God does answer. We all have free will, and God will not just reach inside and adjust us. He provides opportunities for us to be courageous. Opportunities to grow. Opportunities to become.
The courage, is already within you. Like a seed, it just needs a little nurturing to flourish. After all, the grass isn’t greenest on the other side of the fence. The grass is greenest where one waters it. Nurture you.
Originally Posted by tadpole1025
It surely is a battle like you said. Let me get more specific about the fears.
I fear that if I had to spend time in the hospital, who would take care of the kitties?
My XW promised a while back that if anything happened to me, she would take the kitties until she could find a good home for them. If she moves out of state, what happens then?
Yes, my world revolves around the cats.
What if I can't work and can't pay my bills?
I also fear road trips and breaking down and being stranded. (Another reason why I don't leave home very often.)
I know some of the fears may sound foolish, but the fact is, they are real. It is something that I can't help. They are there and I live with them every day.
Sometimes I think that there really is something wrong with me.
You know I’m a pretty big proponent of word choice. How one frames their situation has a huge affect upon their journey. The mind is always listening.
There is nothing wrong with you. “Wrong” implies you need to be “fixed” or “repaired”. That’s just not true.
You are merely struggling to find your path out of your fear. That is not an inherent wrong-ness, or even a wrong thing. It’s human. It’s some aftermath of betrayal.
Originally Posted by tadpoleq025
I wouldn't listen to any radio/music for the longest time.
I hear that!
When my wife dropped the bomb, my world fell apart. For two years I couldn’t wouldn’t watch TV, or listen to the radio, or play CD’s or music. At the time, it was very much “couldn’t” as panic attacks were frequent, and a bunch of ongoing stress responses. Looking back, as I healed, “couldn’t” slowly morphs into “wouldn’t”. It’s realizing that, and to keep prompting myself to attempt it again.
OMG, my PTSD was so bad for two months I couldn’t/wouldn’t even press the button on the coffee maker. W was always the first one downstairs and always had the coffee on. I could get the coffee in the filter, the water in the machine, the pot under it, and… stall out. I’d break down. I cry. All the dreams, the 31 years together, the kids, our life, our dreams, all would come crashing in and around me. I’d throw the coffee out, and drain the machine.
Me pressing that button would mean me acknowledging everything that what going on. And fear is a real and palpable thing. I do not take your fears as foolish my friend. I’ve been there. I’ve been pretty low in my situation.
I recall my world was pretty grey. Dark and silent. Such is depression. I still remember when I first saw color again, when I once again heard birds sing. Oh, what a thing to experience! For such a long while the birds of course sang and it just didn’t register within me. Then one day… Well, I heard. I heard and saw the opportunity that had been in front of me all along.
Nowadays, I’ve long ago made peace with my fears. Made friends with them.
A lot of our life’s biggest journeys turn out to be counterintuitive. Fighting begets fighting. Trying (and word choice again, there is no try, do or do not. Try predisposes us to assign equally to succeed and fail. Do is to succeed. Sure, one may not reach 100% all the time, heck does not reach 100% all the time. However, going at things with a “do” mindset has a far greater success rate than a “try” mindset. Anyhow, in this sentence I mean trying and all it represents.) Trying to banish fear is not the way forward IMHO. You are struggling and have been for a good long while. Do a 180 on that. Do something different or keep trying the same old.
I found I had to come at this, and lots of facets of life, a bit more sideways. Instead of head on fighting something, get to know it, get to know why, get to understand the underlying reasons.
Rationalizing and understanding are powerful tools in our arsenal. Rationalizing something pulls it more from the jaws of our non-rational emotional non-directly-controllable realm and into our intellectual rational directly-within-our-control realm. Fear doesn’t live in intellect.
Fear lives and breathes in the non-rational. I’d use the proper wording - irrational, however folks seem to equate irrational with crazy instead of the defined not rational. Emotions are not rational. Feelings are not crazy or some such, they are just not driven from our intellect. They live and rise from our subconscious self. We can certainly influence them, yet not directly control them like thoughts. Hence, come at things sideways.
So, to make friends is to understand the underpinning of one’s fear. The part behind and beyond the rational view. Yet, we only have direct control of thought. That sword and shield. It’s interesting to get to know thy self.
Let’s take a look at the four fears/things you stated. The purpose to encourage them into the light of the rational and intellectual realm. One way to transform fear and worry is to find a contingency or plan for if things to go astray. Note, that if not when. Fear and worry are always regarding a future that may or may not happen. Once something does happen, it becomes or is thrust into an actual problem which is very much within our intellectual realm and thus becomes solvable or resolvable. Finding a solution or resolution to possible futures can help, just don’t get lost solving everything for much of what we imagine never comes to pass.
I’ve two dogs and understand the need for their care, especially if I was incapacitated. Back when I was still working I could, and did, have to spend nights at a different town. Sometimes many days and nights restoring the electrical grid. And like your cats, my dogs don’t feed themselves.
Make arrangements now, before some things befalls you. A few suggestions from the details you’ve shared. Speak to third son about this. He is still living close by, and is planning to. It also helps build that closer relationship you are after. Ask him if he would be willing to be one of your backup plans for caring for the cats.
Ask you friend, if she and/or her husband would consider lending a hand if your son was unavailable.
Also, find a local boarding service. Go see and talk to them. Just inquire as to how would you go about boarding your cats. This will lay out the mechanism on how to do it, before the need is front and center. Part of your fear is not knowing what you’d do, so look into it. Knowledge is power! And knowledge rationalizes things, and lessens the power of fear.
When XW moves out state, what happens then? She moves. That’s it. You’ve already made other arrangements and plans to care for you and your’s. She’s not involved. Son would take them or find them a home. Boarding place or vet or shelter (the one you could be volunteering at) would look after them.
I do remember you and I before discussing the reliability of your car. I don’t recall its shape. However, it’s fine to assess the risk of a car breaking down and one should take appropriate steps to mediate such foreseeable things. Tires in good shape. Engine runs fine. And so on.
The unforeseen is just that, unforeseen. Leave it there in that imagined future. Certainly have some plan in place, like carrying a cell phone. Maybe even a roadside service with one of the many providers of such.
Of the few times I’ve found myself stuck and stranded, and I did travel a lot, I had no roadside service. I just searched for a tow truck and called them. As I said, after something happens it is pulled from some imagined future into the present moment. Fear doesn’t live in the present. It is always about the future. So, that present moment’s “problem” was solved. That’s it. A visa number and some time. And an adventure to tell folks about.
Money is something lots of folks worry about. Hand wringing doesn’t find a path forward though. This is a numbers situation. Look at it that way. A calculation of numbers, not loosing your job and the imagined aftermath of that. So, (and I’m not look for you provide details by the way just talking as if you and I were sitting down together). So, how much money comes in and how much goes out? Every month, year, is there more coming in than going out? What expenses can you forgo? As in, do you know your discretionary expenses and your non discretionary expenses? Things like mortgage, rent, electricity, food (both you and cat type ) are all non discretionary examples. You have to pay those. The discretionary stuff you could go without if you had to or wanted to.
Do you have enough money saved up to afford a few months of those must pay expenses? If not, do you make enough to put aside some for such a contingency fund? Can you find enough within your discretionary spending to invest into such a just in case fund? A few months, or half a year, to find another job.
You mentioned your retirement fund is rather limited. Consider that as well. I know the getting blood out of stone to invest for retirement while inflation and the price of everything keeps rising. Still, knowledge is power. Such calculated information will give you a clear picture and options.
Looking a bit forward. And this helps with fear too. When can you, and when do you want to retire? Are you making enough in your current job? Do you like your current job? Can you see yourself changing jobs? What would happen if you did find a better paying job? Is such a course change beneficial? Perhaps your present employer has a pension plan, or insurance benefits, or some such.
I remained with my employer for 33 years. Sure there very tough times, yet there was a good pension plan I was contributing to, and I did make it to the end of that particular rainbow.
Anyhow, it’s a lot. I get that. Once the feelings of being overwhelmed flit away, it just numbers and figuring. All very logical and reasoned (keep it there). The very thing that influences fear to lessen.
Well, I best get to mowing my grass. Have an awesome day.
Yes, I love the zoo. I was a member for a while, but didn't renew because it hurts to walk a lot these days. That's another reason that I haven't taken many pictures lately. If my legs don't bother me, my back does. If my back doesn't bother me, my legs do. But....I'm going to give it another go when it cools down enough in October/November. Maybe earlier.
Not sure about a photography club. I'll check around.
I will tell the divas you said hello and give them hugs and kisses.
Regarding the Meetup emails: haven't seen anything that I'd be interested in yet, but we'll see.
Regarding the Audubon Society: I'm kind of excited for the Open House in September. I'd love to see all that they do. Maybe there will be something that I could get involved in? I just love birds...all animals, but especially birds.
Nice to see you remembered my sitch from before. I used to post here a lot. I was one of the ones that became stuck and had a hard time moving on. For the most part, I have finally moved on, but still have some issues to deal with. To be honest, I'm a little upset with myself for letting her affect me the way that she has. I'm upset that I was stuck as long as I was.
I understand about the audio books. As you've read, it is music for me. Pretty much the same thing. It's funny how the littlest things can become the BIGGEST obstacles.
Birds are wonderful. Yes, tiny dinosaurs. I absolutely love Bald Eagles and watch two nest cams during nesting season. I also live about three miles from a Bald Eagle nest that is located here in the city. I don't get to see them very often because although I love them, I don't want to draw too much attention to them for their safety.
I haven't thought much about kayaking or anything similar. I have a very bad shoulder that I injured when I was about 20 years old. I've got a screw in it with limited mobility. So, that's probably out.
Yeah. I think I'm going to take some time in October. I really need a break. I'm thinking about taking a week off and just getting out and doing some things. We'll see.
