Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - what to do next..

Hi all,

I am new to this community and also I am not a english native speaker (I am from the heart of Europe) so please have patience with me. Apology for grammer errors also I need to get familiar with abbreviations.

My story in a nutshell. I am married for almost 7 years and I am 37yo. My wife is 32. We dated for 3 years prior to marriage. So we are in relationship for the last 10 years and have two kids (4 and 6 yo). Things started to crash last year on November when I wife started working again after long maternity leave. She was 5 years at home with kids. Last 3 years I was working from home due to covid, and still do. But my wife was frustrated, exhausted (me also), so there was less romance, less attention because we both focused on other aspects of daily life (kids, chores, illness, etc..). Apparently it was not enough for my wife even though I did care. When she started working as a nurse she met one guy a massager. She started an affair. It was very instant for her and for him, it took maybe 3 weeks for the guy to tell her he is in love with her, and same for my wife. I know that because when I wanted to download photos from her old cell phone into the comp, I have seen the sms. She started to be distant, cold as ice, stonewalled me for 6 weeks, and said she has no feelings for me anymore, that she lied to herself that she is satisfied in the marriage with me and other crap. She lied into my eyes when I asked her in January if there is another man involved or if she loved me she said yes I love you and there is no other man, she just felf emotional emptiness. In the beginning of May, she finally confessed that she has feelings for another man. In fact it was not just feeling but it was full blown affair that started in November last year and still carry on. I was shocked, devastated, angry and you know all those feelings.. but I never begged nor pleaded her. She perfectly knew what was in stake but she said she chosen him and kids over me. I said her that this will not continue infront of my eyes and she did not want to end it because she is madly in love with him. So she said she wants a divorce as the only ultimate solution because she said if she cut him off and returned to the marriage, her feelings towards me are not going to change.. So two months passed and she still did not file for divorce but she is in daily touch with him over her phone and when she is at work they are together. Apparently she wants to eat her cake..But she hides it as much as possible so it does not looks like she has an affair from the first sight. She respects my boundaries but I cannot controll her to stop chatting with him or meeting in person while at work. Now I do not know what to do. I behave correctly, do not shout at her, I would say I implemented limited no contact, we talk about kids, houshold ..I am not needy..I started living my own life as well, started working out.. My ultimate goal was to save our marriage, our family unit. Should I wait until she files for divorce herself or should I do it myself first? We do not have something like legal separation here so the only option is either divorce or she moves out by her choise since I cannot kick her out. I still love her despite the fact what she did to me and our family. Apparently she has an anxious attachment style because I recall she constantly seeked attention, affection, affirmation etc.. but when hour both kids were born I had to split the attention to them plus other stuff like work etc.. I know I should manage that better but it is how it is.. now she is 9 months in an affair. Is she still in limerence of can this be true love (despite the fact it was based on lies, betrayal..). What can I do to break the spell? Does she ever come back to me? Or should I move on with my life and let divorce take its course? I am really sorry for our kids, they did not deserve this.. Mature wife would be addressing all the concerns to the husband but my wife decided to cope with problems her way.. Thanks for your opinions.

I’d set a six month timeframe initially.

I’d commit six months to continuing my own personal developments and improvements (the ones she has noticed). You need to keep doing that and get much better at it. Seek regular, personal counselling.

The second reason is not to open your heart up again until she’s proven for six months that she’s going to do the hard work to correct her mistakes and prove she’s committed to the marriage. If you open your heart up again, you could potentially get crushed all over again.

Six months for you to solidify your changes. And six months for her to prove she’s really committing to the marriage. At this early point, I’d be very cautious - it’s quite possible that OM has just proved himself to be an idiot, and now she doesn’t want him, she’s coming back to plan A for some safety.

If you open your heart and let her straight in, she will instantly feel safe and secure - and will be on the prowl for OM#2.

Once you both succeed at the first six months, then after that is the time to start talking about couples counselling.

Good Morning Peter

My apologies for delays in my posting, I’m in the last week of a 3 1/2 week vacation with lots of travelling and long days of activities.

Anyhow, a quick couple of ideas for you to consider.

All my suggestions are for you. Suggestions to primarily heal and help you, and secondarily to give you the best chance at reconciliation. I realize and know the path you are on. There are lots of doubts, uncertainty, pain, sorrow, hurt, and a feeling of needing to do something. Realize doing nothing is doing something. You have plenty of time.

The time and space approach is likely going to happen regardless. W is going to take time and space apart from you. She is right now. You just want to get yourself in front of that. It helps with detachment too.

I am a proponent for letting the spouse who wants out to do the heavy lifting. Unless you need financial protection/security or there is abuse or some such. These situations are the worse part of “for better or worse”. Whichever way this all plays out, will you have done everything you could to save your marriage?

As said, this is for you. Time and space, also allows you to figure out a logical and rational path forward for you. After all, you can only control you.

Find your convictions, values, and beliefs. Strengthen those that serve, craft those you aspire to, and alter/discard those that do not serve.

Your path, is not just waiting around. You live. GAL. You let W go. She’s going to do her thing anyhow. This doesn’t mean you condone it. You place boundaries upon actions from W that directly affect you. These are not some tool or strategy to fix her. Realize, you didn’t break her, therefore you cannot fix her. Boundaries are for you, for you to regain your balance and center, and to remove yourself from disrespectful behaviour towards you. (Example, if she is swearing at you, you leave the room or hang up the phone.)

You can let her feel the loss of you without actually do the divorce paperwork. Focus on you. Continue to move forward.

You are on your journey. And life’s journey is not about the destination, rather how one walks it.

D

You can edit your email as many times as you want before sending it.

My Spin:

I do have something to add...


I understand the need to contact the OM, but it's counter productive to your goals, and really all it's gonna do is make you think you scared him, while he's laughing at you that night while on the phone with someone else.....

I can hear the anger in your typed words, and I get I do, the betrayal, the disbelief in her and even yourself, the frustration with the unknown. I get the need to re take control, but maybe we can explore a different route of taking control.

Take control of yourself...you've given her your ultimatum, but it doesn't look like you said when you'd file, so no rush. In the mean time, GAL life a mad man. Set up a schedule where your STBXW watches the kids. You enjoy your new found time. Go the gym, take lessons, could an instrument, a new language? Get new hobbies. Remember what attracted her to you to begin with, and compare that to how you are now. We are all allowed to change, but I'll be the first to admit I didn't dress as nice, I didn't shave as often, I didn't always wear cologne, I didn't always open her door, I stopped working out etc etc etc. Basically the old saying goes never stop dating your wife, and I did stop. I played my part on it ending, but not how it ended if that makes sense. This is the way you make her turn around and notice you.

Deep breaths.

Hi Peter
It really is a horrible place to be in and we can all safely say we know the pain. The grief is a terrible thing and cycles like the moon. Sometimes we are ok and sometimes we are not and the emotional pull is in full force.Those days of emotional turmoil so stretch out and become less and less as you go through the process.
I think you need to remember everything takes time and just wake up each day and take it one day at a time. There’s no point thinking ahead to a week a month a year as the roller coaster has just begun.
One thing I strongly suggest which really helps me is to do 3 positive things for yourself each day. Of course we try and GAL every day but some days it doesn’t always fit into the plan. However 3 small positive things for yourself can really help you shift your mood. Mine can sometimes just be really simple like taking a bath, walking the dog, even just cuddling the dog on the couch at the end of the day with a cup of tea. Try not to waste all your unnecessary energy and time thinking about what W and OM are up to and I would honestly not bother with the messages. I think the less you know the better. These spouses of ours have made their beds and now have to live with it and it’s not up to us to be responsible for their actions and their fallout

Take a deep breath. You don't have to decide anything today. This is going to be a process regardless of the outcome. There are so many what ifs there is no point in constantly ruminating about them.

My guess is she doesn't see this as cheating anymore. She's told you she's done, doesn't love you and has "moved on".

Even when the honeymoon phase is over it doesn't mean she's not going to want him, and even if she doesn't, it doesn't mean she's coming back to you.

Don't worry about her and what she is doing. You can not control that in any way shape or form. Control you, control what you can, and start getting a life like a mad man. Become the best you, you can be. Be a man that woman will respect and be attracted too.

Hello Peter

As far as I know Michele does not have an electronic version of DR. She does have the first chapter available online here though.


My advice is to let the one who wants out own the divorce. Leave the heavy lifting to W. You don’t block her or place barricades in her way, yet you don’t pave the path in gold either.

Do keep tabs on the accounts and bills and all that. Spouses that feel done with the marriage sometimes start spending money like it’s going out of style; and before you know it the savings could be all gone. If you need financial protection or security then get it.

It looks like you and W have separate accounts already which does alleviate some of the financial worries here. As long as she keeps paying her half of the joint expenses and kids’ stuff, let it ride for a while.


I caution against the trying to snap them awake strategy; it comes off as an ultimatum. And ultimatums seldom work. In my view, folks offering such final deals more want it to not be accepted so they can plunge into retaliation mode. Fighting begets fighting.

In short, nothing you do or say is likely to break the spell. She has to come to that on her own, and on her time.

You cannot control W. You only can control you - your thoughts, actions, and reactions. Those three things.

If you take a hard stance, and she turns it down, which is pretty likely, then you are heading for a divorce. The very thing you are not wanting. Right?

So, do not act or react in a way that promotes divorce. Threatening to divorce unless W dumps OM, will only get you divorced. Take a different path, IMHO.

Focus on you and the kids. Get a life (GAL). Life and love your life.

Give W plenty of time and space. She needs to feel the loss of you and the marriage. Currently, W is full of limerence. And she is dredging up past grievances, creating narratives, and such, to justify leaving you. Lots of fabrications from her, as you have seen.

You let her go. And in time, hopefully, the affair will start to sour. That illicit relationship is built upon lies and deceit, which make a terrible foundation to weather life’s storms. It’s that illicit-ness that presently makes the affair alluring to her.

As the affair starts to fall from fantasy into reality, W will start to feel emotions that are much more helpful to your cause. Guilt, grief, remorse, loss, etc. Realize, at the moment W is just too high on luv to feel anything else. Give her time and space.

Is DB a guarantee that your marriage will be saved? No. However, DB can/will save you and gives your marriage its best chance at restoration.



Oddly, W is likely speaking the truth here.

Affairs, the affair partner, are just bandaids for the cheater’s internal pain. W doesn’t truly know why. Affairs and such are emotionally driven, not rationally driven. And those feelings will override logic and reason. Kids, marriage, financial security, etc, all become meaningless, secondary, to them.

Peter, this isn’t about OM. He and W are not soulmates or some other teenage BS.

To be clear, W is still culpable. She is responsible for her actions. However, you need not be judge, jury, or executioner. No one is wise enough to see all ends; leave her to God/fate in this matter. Work to let go of any vengeance and retribution.


Not true. Filing for divorce will get you divorced.

Dignity, not being a doormat, becoming healed and whole, becoming the best version of yourself, and so on - has nothing to do with being the one to file.

Remain kind and cordial to W. Implement boundaries on disrespectful direct behaviour. GAL. Focus on you. Keep moving forward. And detach. Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself right now.

You’ve got the gift of time, use it wisely.

D

Take it this way, and hopefully it helps.

Your job fired you. Do you go back the next day? Do you call in and ask if they are sure? Do you go back again and again and make sure they know it's a mistake? Do you go and look at the new employee who's doing your old job and start pointing out all their mistakes? No you don't, you update your resume, make it look as attractive to a new employer as possible and you try to sell yourself to the potential new job.

Your wife fired you......act accordingly.

I like your analogy. Obviously you are right. The problem is in my head. I need to sort out my ambivalence..It worked in my previous relationship (before marriage), but now it is really hard (10 yrs together, 2 kids, assets, financial security..)

Just as a post script to my above post…

Quite often on this site, you’ll hear people say “Believe half of what they do, and none of what they say!”

This lesson, that we so often try to teach LBS… your wayward wife already knows it.

She won’t believe anything you say or threaten, because your ACTIONS have suggested you will put up with her cheating.

Hi Sunflyer, thank for your encouraging words. I totally agree with you.

This is it 100%.

My sister was married to a man who had an affair with my sister's co-worker. He filed for divorce, apparently convinced that he had made a mistake marrying my sister.

Want to guess how that worked out for him?

You move forward (not the same as moving on). You sound like a fundamentally good man who has recognized his mistakes. If she wants to throw your marriage away despite that, then take your improved self to someone else who will appreciate you.

I know it is hard to control emotions, but as others have said, throwing ultimatums will not help. Let her build the bed she is going to lie in.

Hi DnJ, yes you are right. She can take it deeper underground if she want, that's why what she says are just empty words if she is not going to stick to them and act accordingly. I have told it to her already. I am not going to fix things for her, but what I meant was to work on things that I was responsible for as a man and husband and where I obviously failed so it turned her off. But why she decided to cheat instead of talking/working on the issues is different stuff. I am not going to rush things, I give it time and patience and we will see. Still working on myself to be a better version of me. Long road ahead of me/us. Thank you and the guys for your advice and kind uplifting words. DB/DR and Healing from infidelity books just arrived so I can go through them finally. I will post here any news or significant update (do not want to spam this thread though). Thanks and have a great day too.