Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

Hi All,

I’m coming out of a fog thanks to finding Divorce Busting a month ago and avidly reading the Forums and the DB book.

I don’t know what to do. I suspect my H is MLCing and has been on and off for the majority of our R. His EW won’t leave him alone and has tried different tactics over the years from yelling and screaming to sending him photos of her and his kids when they were toddlers, to texting both of us in tears that she is all alone to inviting herself to Christmas with IL’s (trying to use my learned abbreviations) to now to doing a 180 and being as attractive and available and friendly as possible. This started before we got married. My H has told her over the years that he loves me and that he is not interested in getting back together with her. However, something changed before our wedding with his opinion of EW from not wanting to have anything to do with her to now defending her and allowing her into his house (we LAT) whenever she wants. H doesn’t want me around when she has organised tickets for them to go and see something of his D’s at School concerts etc (her latest weapon). EW has been very cunning in inviting me, but when I’m there, she and H get into Parental mode and H completely forgets that I exist. So now, I choose not to go. SD, I think is now on her M’s side and does not want me around even though we were very close for a good 6 years. Skids were part of our W. H lies to me about how much contact he has with EW and becomes abusive when I challenge him on it. H used to see my side of things and would try and support me. Now H just abuses me and stonewalls me.

Over the years, I have even reached out to EW to try and befriend her. Initially, I just wanted to get to know her and be part of a team raising the skids. EW was not into it. I have always been a ‘Sister before a Mister type woman’. EW just sees me as competition. I have always been polite and courteous to her up until a few months ago when she just stormed into my H’s house without waiting to be asked in and I gently directed her back to the door and told her that she was to be asked to be invited in from now on. When I told H about this, he said she had every right to be there after many times he said he wasn’t going to have C with her and didn’t want her to do that. H, every few mths, picks fights with me in person on the phone and sets up a scenario where all of our plans get cancelled and it doesn’t matter what they are. I think I have realised that this happens when he has had C with EW or is about to. All of our family and friends are wondering what the hell is going on. We are under huge Financial strain at the moment. I’m managing all the finances and we are trying to get EW off the mortgage during High interest rates and High inflation etc. I try my best to not react, set boundaries, show interest in Skids; but, not too much. Two of the Skids have been PAS against H in the past few years from EW as a reaction to our engagement and pending M. Now they are PAS’d against me only and H has fallen back in favour with the two, to the point that SD is trying to take over any time we try and spend together (mostly weekends). An example is SD wanted to spend NYE just gone with H and without me. I have had to give up birthdays, Easter and other holidays because SD wants to be around H all the time. I have no problem with SD spending time with H; but, this behaviour wreaks EW’s. H used to sets boundaries with EW. He would block her as she would call Sunday mornings for instance. Now he doesn’t care if and when she texts or calls. I know it is up to H to set boundaries with EW and SD. EW is a huge problem; but, H is the only one who can stop it. H goes between loving me to hating me. H is wonderful when he is in our M.

H, when angry accuses me of doing things that I never do and then tells me I’m gaslighting and manipulating. I look for my part in things always. I’m tired. I wear my WR as a promise to God that I will love H for better; for worse. I just don’t want to give up on my M. I do C and my C thinks I’m in a fight for my M against EW. EW is very clever and won’t let up. H just doesn’t care much about me anymore, no help if I’m sick even. H said a few weeks ago that he doesn’t want to give up on our marriage. I welcome and need help—I’m scared!

Ok... so prepare yourself K for the 2x4s


Maybe or maybe not. You are giving the dream more power than it deserves.



It's not about "trying" anything on him. You are missing the point with what a boundary is. You can set this boundary w/o even communicating it to him. It's about you believing in yourself enough to say "I deserve to be someone's first choice - and acting accordingly. You can do this w/o nagging by dropping the rope and detaching.

P.S. Laying low for 24 hours isn't going to make H miss you long enough for him to really think about what he wants in life. He just realizes you are gone and texts you - and you jump right back in. Something to think about.


Again... no one is saying to pick a fight with him... but if you think you can nice your way back to him - you need to reread MWD's work. Cake eating will only prolong the process.


Mystery is creating when you GAL and stop answering and participating in his life so much. That is not what you are doing here. You have said so yourself that he is abusive - it feels like you are just in the "calm" part of the abuse cycle which you, by your own admission, don't want to change to avoid a fight



I just don't see it K. Nagging is a response to be a push over. I'm glad you stopped that but your H is still holding for the power.



The best way to fight for your marriage is to fight for YOURSELF. How are you doing that when your life is still so consumed with H?

You likely hit the nail squarely on the head since he is protesting so much.
Again how do you know that he is lying - his lips are moving.

SO

Now that you have this information what is gained from continuing to act on it?

It is best for you to go as dark as possible and STOP interacting with him.


PERFECT

Keep doing these things

The short answer is no BUT you also have to be willing to let it go in order to do so.


Sounds like you need to step up the boundaries on yourself and quit engaging so much.


Let's flip the script... instead of asking your H to take care of you - how could you have taken care of yourself better during this. Turning off the phone? Blocking his texts for the night? What prevents you from doing so? Why are his needs more important than you be spoken to w/ respect?


1. No. It means he can't regulate his emotions and is spewing all over you
2. Boundaries are not for him. They are for YOU. As long as they are the him - they will fail. It is true that boundaries will change a dynamic of a relationship but you have to stand firm in the decisions that best serve you. If thats no text - raging... make it so. It's time to take back your power.



This is a good first step. Try holding yourself to your boundaries before you expect others to do the same.

(( KB ))

Cadet! Thank you… Yes I have the knowledge and without revealing it, it is power and I’m starting to use it more.

And this is how it’s working. So, it’s been a week since I posted and H had a dream last weekend that he was having an affair and how he felt terrible about it. Interestingly, I had found out in the dream and confronted him and he was devastated. When he told me about the dream, I asked him would he tell me if he did and he said yes!! It seems H is coming of denial!

Since Ive found the evidence, I have handed it over to my Higher Power and prayed about it. I’ve decided to be my usual, loving self around H, at the same time getting the hang of setting boundaries. When I know that H and XW have been in touch, I lay very low the next day. I make myself as unreachable as I possibly can.

Not only has H shared his affair dream with me, he also brought me flowers on the weekend. They were beautiful. I’m sure he did this for several reasons, guilt being one of them. I don’t care the reason why, it’s wonderful to have them because he used to bring me flowers a lot and doesn’t do it much anymore except when he has been mean and wants to make some sort of amends. H was very affectionate and helpful. He did some maintenance jobs around the house and farm. For over a year, he hasn’t really done a lot of that neither, he would usually pick a fight and want to leave. H didn’t do that. He stayed until it was time to go. H also did the same the weekend before.

This week he has kept up the Affair contact with XW and it hurts a lot. It’s not as bad as it was. Another thing that happened is that he rang me and cried because he is not happy in life. I have not heard him cry like he did for such a long time. It was great he was coming to me to share his pain. H got off the phone quickly when he revealed his pain, but even still, I took this as a positive. Interestingly, he rang XW not long after. I really believe the pain he feeling is because he is lying to me and he feels terrible.

As much as all of this hurts, like Cadet said, I have power now and I’m using it. I’m showing more interest in H which is a 180 for me, yet at times, doing my own thing in his company which is another 180. I don’t mention XW ever (another 180) and I’m praising and thanking H for all the good things he does and I’m vigilant about it (another 180). During the week when we are not together and especially when I know he has been talking to XW, I don’t answer his calls for the majority of the day and have great excuses as to why. H was supposed to call me late last which is a usual time, but he rang late. I didn’t answer and I text him to say goodnight and sleep well. I’m confident he was talking to XW as he rang her a few times yesterday. It hurts sooooo much.

Overall, this week I’ve been able to focus on my work more and sleep better. I’m letting go of the worry and the ‘what if’s’ and getting on with it as best I can.

To be frank, I have spent hours on the internet looking for ways on how to end affairs and a lot of what is being said is to confront your partner and sometimes the AP. I have done this so much in my M that it just brought them closer together. I cannot stress enough that the DB approach is effective, and really patience is the key. I accept and pray for all that is happening instead of reacting which is so hard to do. I have always lacked patience and am impulsive by nature.

Kanga

Sorry to hear about this. Believe me, there are many times when I want to just tell my W why her current mindset is completely at odds with mine, or the way she used to act. I have a whole speech prepared. I have run it over in my head many times, and sometimes when she’s not around I even practice delivering it.

But I never do. The reason I don’t is exactly what you’ve been told here. It won’t do any good and is likely to make things worse. Back before BD, before I knew W wanted out of the M but I knew she was hurting, I wrote a heartfelt letter to her. I poured out what I felt about her. You know where that got me? Nowhere. D was filed one month later.

If your H behaves nicely toward you, realize that he is playing a role. He is trying to keep the peace or cake eat, or both. My W does the same. She says that she respects me and acts nicely to my face but will then turn around and say nasty things about me behind my back to her parents. I have no confirmation that she is having an affair, but she very well may be.

Of course, she is playing a role with her parents too, that of the victim. And so is your H. Notice how your H tried to turn all of the blame back onto you? Said it was all your fault? He easily identifies your flaws but ignores his own, which are just as significant.

The advice you have been given is good. Move forward with yourself and for yourself. It is hard, hard, hard, but it is the only way.

Beating yourself up is a normal response amongst the many you will have over the next few hours. Do not linger here. It will not be helpful to you long term.


Humans do not like to feel this kind of pain. This letter is an attempt to relieve that pain. Although it can be helpful - sending it will not achieve what you want. A tool instead is to create a grief journey. Write all above into that... daily if need be. It will help you process what you are going through.



You are spinning a little bit. And that too is a normal reaction. When I would spin - vets would tell me to take 48-72 hrs to calm down. This felt like a LIFETIME.. but usually helped prevent me from doing something I would regret (ie. writing a letter, calling SIL)


Snooping creates a false calm to the anxiety you are feeling right now. If you stop - it is probable that you will feel even MORE anxious. That is going to come with any boundary you make or any attempt you do to take care of yourself when you H is in his fog.

But stay committed... you are worth it.

If you feel the need to write a letter, do so, but do not give it to him. Burn it after you are finished. Why? Because no matter what you say or do, everything will be your fault. The less you interact with him, the better.

He will play nice as long as he is getting what he wants. He will attempt to engage you, no matter if it is positive or negative, just to be able to say "see, she is still at it". Just leave him alone as much as you can.

Your h is gone, your marriage is dead and you need to mourn the situation. Once you have a better grasp of what is going on, you'll understand more about the "projection" that they use to place blame on us when they are actually doing whatever the deed or statement that has been said.

Again, leave him alone, do not engage unless it is to discuss your family. Do not share your business with him. If you go out, don't tell him where you are going or when you'll be back. The less you say, the better. He needs to hit the brick wall a number of times before he realizes that life exists, bills exist and responsibilities exist and that you are not his mother.

Please, please try to keep the focus on you. I know it is difficult, but you need to live your life to the fullest right now. Trust me, your anxiety level will go down when you start focusing on yourself and what you want to do with your life since he's MIA.

Oh Kanga I feel for you. I have been there, that horrible feeling, that immense pain right in your chest. Wanting to stay in bed all day, not eating or sleeping. It really is the worst thing I have ever been through. But I survived. And you will too. One day at a time. Just remember to breathe.
Firstly stop beating yourself up with what you could or should have done. Unfortunately us trying to “nice “ them back never works. We all resist the advice on here and think we know best. But there’s a fine line between being nice and a doormat. You need to drop the emotional rope. It’s when you will finally start to feel better. I have no idea what one magical thing made me do it but moreso a collection of anything and everything. I had my kids so that sort of forced me to get up every single day and do things even though I just wanted to stay in bed. So try and do 3 things for yourself every single day, mute your phone to H when you are doing those things, start a new hobby, join a group, anything that gives you a reason to drag yourself out of bed every day and move. Do you have a dog? I found my dog really helped me. She is an energetic 2 year old now but she showed u conditional love, kept me company at night, and made me walk her daily. She really was my best therapy. To me, it sounds like H wants to keep the door open with you, just in case his plan doesn’t
Work out. If he’s open to MC then I imagine that’s good, ( my H wasn’t and still isn’t) but I am not sure how someone who isn’t really religious any more will
Feel in a religious counselling session.
Don’t feel pressured into reaching out to H because he said he would leave it up to you. Sounds like he’s baiting you really. Leave him, step back,
Let him miss you. He knows that you still
Love him and want the marriage to work. You don’t need to remind him all the time. Let him miss you and see what life is like without you dropping everything for him. Personally I
Wouldn’t call him. See him at counselling have a chat and then go your seperate ways.
Be a bit mysterious let him wonder what you’re up to what you’re doing. And in the meantime don’t let him know you’re internally combusting-that’s what we do in our private time he doesn’t need to know that. Take the time and breather from him for YOU. Because you need it. We get so dragged down by the H in these situations. As females we want to fix and nurture and want to know every single emotion and talk everything out constantly. Step back and take a breath and just focus on you for now.
And NEVER be ashamed of slip ups along the way. That’s how we learn and grow through this. I did my fair share of incredibly silly things. It’s how we learn and grow from this. One day at a time. Keep posting. I often found much better advice on here from the vets than through counselling because it’s likeminded people who have walked your shoes. We all want our WAS to snap out of it, we all question and over analyse anything and everything we ever did and do. They make us believe we are so in the wrong. Just try and shelve the “what’s going to happen in my marriage” for now and work on one day at a time try to live in the present and honestly just do what you need to get through. It’s all very up in the air and there’s no possibly way to try and guess how this will play out. Just one day at a time. Try and conserve your energy for you

Hi Kanga,

I feel for you. You very much remind me of the feelings I had when I went through what was arguably the worst time of my life.

I remember feeling like I was broken because a lot of the other posters seemed to be handling their situations much better than I was. The anxiety for me was crippling. There were days that I would vomit just thinking about things. I very much have an anxious attachment style due to some trauma I experienced as a child.

It doesn't happen for everyone, and I don't want to provide you with false hope, but I was able to get my WAS back (although the relationship ended a few years later). I would spend hours and hours scouring the internet looking for a fix. I would be on these forums for hours at a time. It became an obsession. I couldn't sleep, I went to the doctor for meds. I'd talk to my poor friends about things every single day repeating the same conversation over and over again.

What worked for me, was complete and total, pitch black, no contact.

* I stopped calling
* I stopped texting
* I stayed off social media because seeing her smiling in pictures was torture for me
* I stopped snooping
* I stopped asking friends about her
* I pretended that she had passed away (I know that sounds morbid but it def helped)

I did this for months on end.

Until one day she texted me. I remember my hand shaking uncontrollably while I read the message on my phone. She wanted to talk and asked to meet at a Starbucks. Basically she wanted me back and we slowly got back together.

One of the most helpful things that I did was start new hobbies. At first I had zero interest in hobbies, all I cared about was her. I was addicted to her. I joined the gym and started mountain biking and after a few tries, I very slowly started to enjoy it. I felt like I had accomplished something afterwards, but then the anxiety would take hold again. But I kept going and slowly over time, my confidence started to grow. And it slowly transformed me into who I am today.

I promise you, you will smile again one day. It's going to take some time, but it will happen. And IF your H doesn't come back, the lessons you will have learned from this experience will bring a new meaning to your life that you will actually be THANKFUL for. Read that again, I said you will be thankful for this experience.

One day at a time, I'm rooting for you.

It is common for folks to ask themselves questions like this. To seek the ultimate answer to "why they behave the way they do". Let that need for an answer go. Shift the focus back to you. The answer doesn't matter. What matters is treatment you allow in your life.

Kanga - there is no doubt that you have encounter a large emotional hit by your H. For that - I am sorry. It's a devastating feeling thinking something has changed and then feeling you have hit square 1.

From the bleacher seats - it seems like struggle to set boundaries for yourself and the boundaries you do set are form of control versus a protection of your heart. This make sense as your H is quite the boundary pusher and has likely been used to "having his way" for a long time in your marriage.
It also seems like you are willing to push the boundaries you have set for yourself. This is just gonna lead to long term suffering for a very short term game.


Why did YOU apologize? Can you see how badly your H has manipulated the situation that you believe it's your fault. Stop that. He's an adult. He wants to act like an a$$ - he has his own home to go to.


You are not up against your XW. Yes - she is difficult but she is NOT the problem. Your H's ability to cut the cord with her is. Keep your focus there. And don't let her into her house. Your H may allow her to push him around - but not you.


There should be at least 6 months of changed behavior and you should be able to clearly feel the difference. It does seem like you provided a solution to him for awhile versus him making a decision to come back into the relationship?

You will KNOW when he has changed. You won't have to guess. You will know on if he has finally cut off his relationship with his XW. You will know when he's done being a man child and owns up to his part... but that won't happen until after his thrown his fits, gaslight you, manipulated you, and any other behavior he has always done and your response is strong and unwavering.

And I will end with this. You can't expect people to treat you a way you aren't willing to treat yourself. You can't expect your H to respect you - if you don't respect yourself. So start with you respecting yourself and then expand to others.

You have to care about your well-being more than your marriage. Sometimes when you do this - the WAS wakes up and decides to come along for the ride. But either way - you deserve a life of peace and love... and that is a happy ending only YOU can provide.

(((K)))