Ready2Change: “ Better might be "You do what you need to do." or "Do not tell people to ask me. It is none of their business" or "I have no intention on telling anyone anything until we are officially divorced."
I think that if W were to bring this line of conversation up again (I don’t want to have R talks or engage but I want to listen if that happens), I might say what you have suggested above and tell her, “you can let them know that you left me, it was your decision. You can own it.”
Also I remember the other night when she and I went out, she told me, “I have don’t have my home, my things, or relationships with my kids or my friends.” My inside thoughts: “you have left all of that.” My response: “That’s really hard.”
She also said her friends (which I understand to mean her new “friends”) all have said, “it’s no wonder you left,” to her. She said they told her that before she saw the sense in it.
I have been owning that I failed and my part in the demise of our M. I need to also be accurate (not necessarily with words) that W blew it up. Accept her accept reality.
In your defense you are getting conflicting advice.
Just more options on the choices one can make. What worked for one person can backfire for another, and vise-versa. Each of us have to evaluate the choices, make a decision, and live with consequences of that choice.
Waiting is a good first option. But that should have a time frame. For one person, that might be a month. For another, 6 months. Some 1 year. While waiting, you focus on making positive change to yourself. One change at a time. My changes are different than another persons changes. But, most of us that arrive here have common issues that should be addressed.
On the other hand, waiting looses respect and does not increase attraction. It also allows cake eating.
Some here will tell you to go left, while others will tell you to go right. I believe you should have the skills to go completely left, completely right, or anyplace in between, and immediately change as needed. Do this in all areas. Just don't go in circles. That doesn't work.
Having a great week camping with youngest S and small group of good friends. Lots of sun, sand, waves and fresh air and lots of really great food. Good getaway.
You know what's better every once in a while? Me, my motorcycle...I have absolutely screamed my lungs out on at 60ish MPH as well. ....find your outlet, get your self respect back, and take care of yourself.
While riding, I would stop at every bar I came across, I would order a water. I would focus on remembering peoples names and their story. I would make every interaction about them. I would practice all my listening skills. I would people watch. Notice how the guys were behaving. How the ladies were behaving. How they would interact. Listen to two ladies talk behind me and taking note of HOW they talked, NOT WHAT they were talking about.
1) Avoid R talks like the plague. 2) If you get into R talk, Listen and reflect back what emotional state you believe she was in. Be the first to leave. 3) Filter your thoughts and words down to simple statements. (I am thinking, I am not sure, I will think about that) 4) Do not share your emotional state with her. Control it. You are content no matter what storm is going on (IE her drama).
5) Dancing- Make every woman you interact with laugh. Practice reflecting their emotional state (most likely will be the not so scary emotions...a lot better than angry or sad or frustrated that you are most likely dealing with coming out of W). Holding eye contact (if that is an issue) with the women watching you dance.
This list is just my 2cents. You should have your own list that is longer, more detailed, in the order that you think is important. It is always a work in progress.
R2C is currently working on holding other peoples attention longer in conversations. I have 3 people request for me to finish my story after the conversation went a few other directions. I got asked a simple question that I used to Segway into a more interesting response.
Really makes me think twice or much more than that before agreeing to another meetup with her. I have found that after around 3 days of no texts from her and not seeing her I start to feel much better.
I have slept better the last 2 nights in a row. Had a hard time for a week or so after I went out with W weekend before last. I haven’t been reaching out. Had some extra therapy this week. Minding my own business looking after my side of the fence. Had a great time dancing last night. Enjoying summer. Out with friends tonight. Think I’ll dance tomorrow night again.
Minding my own business looking after my side of the fence.
If I may, change fence to street. Our word choices can subconsciously build barriers, as in a fence/wall. A street still identified the separate paths of you and W, without a barrier, and can still clearly denote when one crosses over it (and gets back on their own track ).
Originally Posted by Rockon
W has gone out of country for a month. She hasn’t told me any details (and I didn’t ask). She did say that she hasn’t told eldest D (said that D would not understand W spending money on herself instead of going to visit D) or S (not on speaking terms with S) about the trip but she has told our 2 youngest.
I’m glad you have stepped back from the relationship between kids and Mom. This is a different time to keep doing so.
If you four are anything like my four they talk, well text mostly, among themselves quite a bit. Your two youngest will most certainly mention Mom being gone for a month on vacation. Stay out of this! Whatever, if any, resentment a kid or kids have regarding Mom’s spending/investing of time and/or money, you don’t need transferred on to you.
Originally Posted by Rockon
So a month break.
Yes. Use these four weeks well.
I’d not answer any texts or calls from W during this time (if she even does try to remain in contact). You control you. Let her go, for the entire month. Focus on you, the kids, the yard, baseball, dancing, bbqs, friends, etc.
Originally Posted by Rockon
A lot of texts and emails from W before she left. Not much at all required a response so none given. Most of it was directive of how she thought I should be more thrifty with spending money and such.
After her living away for a year I think she has lost the right to tell you, direct you, how thrifty you need to be. Ensure you pay your share of joint expenses, and the rest is your’s to do with as you choose. And yes, giving no response was perfect.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I am considering that I may be at a place of hiring a lawyer to protect myself, fairness and our family from the free radical type effects of W’s choices and behaviours.
You should definitely have some legal input and know your rights and such. You need not yet act upon any of that information, however you should know it.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Will continue to GAL, therapy, follow through on goals and discern my way forward. Answers will emerge.
Yep. As one continues things become calmer and their emotions more settled. The real big answers do present themselves when one is calm and at peace. And one usually doesn’t even know there even was a question.
Probably a cafe racer not too big. Used in good shape that I can take care of. I’d like to get it now and I have been looking but I have a few other priorities to take care of so it might be realistically next spring.
Ok guys a sense of calm this morning and yes I’m going to talk to my friend who has a bike and who sells cars and I’m going to move this timeline up. This is not a reaction or anything except something I want for who I want to be.
As we have talked about on these boards, for a period of time our financial arrangement had been working reasonably and I did not see a reason to change it. That time may have arrived for the reason that I need more autonomy and privacy from W’s input and interference.
As you answered, no real need to discuss with W.
If you want more financial autonomy, then get it.
And of course, it is good practice to reflect and ensure, before implementing a new major change. (You mentioned this as well. )
Has W been upholding her share/obligations? If so, what would be gained by formalizing it? Realize, your gain is not from the financial side. It’s autonomy and privacy, which sounds quite reasonable.
Are these financial changes things you would continue if you and W were to reconnect? If yes, then it is a good indicator that you are doing this for you, and not some attempt to get a reaction from W. (By the way, if my XW and I ever patched things up and got back together, I’d keep my finances separate for a good long while. A very long while.)
I’d not give W an ultimatum regarding this. (I spoke a bit of ultimatums on Peter’s thread.) You’d more just inform W of what you are doing going forward regarding the joint monies and bills.
I get why you are saying this - because it would move Rock forward rather than being eternally stuck.
But I don’t think that’s a good way to do it. I couldn’t imagine the pain or damage that this situation might inflict on a new girlfriend. Imagine if 6-12 months down the track, new girlfriend found out that she’s been used as some sort of cheap tool for Rock to try and solve his co-dependency issues.
I’m also sure that nut-job ex-wife would easily manipulate this new relationship. She’d pretend to want Rock back - he’d burn bridges with the new girlfriend, come crawling back - and then ex would laugh in his face. This entire marriage’s dynamic is incredibly unhealthy, and there would be all sorts of attempted manipulation from both sides if another person appeared. Plus, Rock is so co-dependent he would only take a new girlfriend to try and manipulate his ex-wife back. No-one coming into a new relationship deserves that!
Step 1 - long term professional intervention to detach and work on co-dependency issues Step 2 - (only after step 1 is a success) - find a new girlfriend
Rock, you realize it's ok to be selfish every once in a while right? Even god took a day off my friend. You always mention the community, friends, and family, these are all good things.
You know what's better every once in a while? Me, my motorcycle, my JBL clip on the handle bars, phone mounted for emergency's, rescue kit in back pack and the I'm taking an F it day attitude. 100% serious, I never felt better than I did after a 2 or 3 hour ride. I saw roads and scenery for the first time after "driving" on them for 20 years. I appreciated the beauty of the world around me on a level I never would have prior. I don't live in a city, so there are plenty of back roads around me that I have absolutely screamed my lungs out on at 60ish MPH as well.
You know what was also healing for me...me, my brother, 2 shotguns and a picnic table that was recently replaced that needed to be "chopped" up for the fire. That was a very good day.
I'm not saying these things are for you, but you know what they did for me? Gave me my outlet, Rock, find your outlet, get your self respect back, and take care of yourself.
What’s something you’ve always wanted to try but have had some reservations about it? Me it’s sky diving. I wanna go so bad but I can’t wrap my head around jumping out of perfectly good plane. Scares the hell-o out of me. Lol. I’ll tell you what, if I went it would grab a whole lot of attention from people that know me though. And for someone who really knows me very well may wonder if I’m about to die because I finally did it. Lol. It would be so out of character…but if I was divorce busting, that would be something I would do.
My ex never allowed me to get a bike. Always talked about how dangerous it was. How I was stupid for riding one when I was a teenager (I don’t disagree there and it’s a flat out act of god that I’m alive)….so when I got one, it caught her attention and she knew I was moving on and boy she scratched and clawed when that happened. You know a few weeks ago she told me she thought I was having a mid life crisis when I got one. Yep at 37 after everything I was going through it must have been a mid life crisis. But that wasn’t the point. I did something for myself that was out of character that I loved and it got her attention so much so she explained it away as if I was in crisis.
I think it’s against forum rules for me to give out to much about myself or where I am, but I’m about an hour away from the liberty bell around a lot of people who think horse and buggies are the best way to travel. If you ever find yourself in this area let me know. Lol
Been enjoying life. It’s beautiful - not always easy but yet beautiful. I’ve been taking care of things at my home looking after S taking good care of myself, GAL (time on the water with friends, good food, live music, dancing). Looking forward to camping and friends and adventuring. Got more home reno goals to keep after as well.
In the meantime, supporting eldest D(single mom, lives out of state)with stuff from a distance (video calls, listening to her challenges with work and raising a young one, building connection) as well as in person (have been visiting them when I can, strengthening bonds, creating memories and sharing vision for the future).
Another golden night this week. Watched eldest S pitch a gem complete game (3 hits 5 strikeouts) low scoring win. I sat next to my dad for the whole game (anyone seen field of dreams?). Dad almost went to heaven himself a couple times this year with some close calls. He told my sister one morning in the ER a couple months ago, “This could be my day.” Any and every moment like this is precious. S beamed in post game photos with grampa and family. Dad was a baseball star pitcher way back when. He has not had the stamina nor energy to get to many games this season and when he did he only stayed an inning or two. Sometimes he and mom tried but just couldn’t get there.
Youngest D is away having a great time with friends. She called for a nice video chat last evening. I’m investing in therapy, got lots to process. And getting emotional work done outside of therapy too.
I actually started and stopped this update post several times this week and finally was able to crystallize a few thoughts this morning.
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