Well, this week I started on the journey every married person hopes they never have to take.
The basics: I am 58, wife 47, married 23 years next month. We have two sons, 17 and 13. No affairs, substance abuse, or domestic violence have ever occurred.
The story: In the last six weeks to two months or so, I noticed changes in my wife. I noticed less ease and comfort around me. We had a discussion, and she mentioned a couple of things that happened in February that bothered her.
One was her birthday. We went out to dinner, and she said she felt the evening was awkward and that our conversation was superficial. She feels that communication has been on a downslide for a while. Another was Valentine’s Day. We got over the Valentine’s Day “gestures” years ago. My wife doesn’t require cards, flowers, or gifts and I don’t either. But this year, I did the unthinkable: I forgot it was Valentine’s Day and didn’t wish her happiness on the day. I told her it was an honest mistake and nothing hurtful was meant by it. She has brought both things up again since.
She says that these are examples of a long-term pattern of deteriorating communication in our relationship (“more roommates than married,”), and our lack of going out on dates has gotten to her. (“We don’t do anything anymore.”) She also grieves that I don’t spend enough time with the boys.
I will admit guilt in this. I had fallen into a pattern of worrying about work, then worrying about what our boys might need when I get home (I often get home from work earlier than my wife), then eating dinner and then seeing what else I might have to do. And yes, she has been slighted as a result. She and her brother also started a business two years ago that takes her time in the evenings a couple of days a week.
Another factor in the landscape is the surgery she has looming next month. She’s a bariatric patient and lost about 125 pounds. Now she is going in for cosmetic surgery to remove the excess skin on her abdomen and repair weakened abdominal muscles. I praised her when she told me how much weight she’d lost, but she says I don’t compliment her on this, and she feels hurt. Asks me if I still find her attractive. I honestly told her yes, but I am not sure she believes that I am sincere.
Sex: last time was either late January or early February, which she disputes. Trust me, I have a VERY good memory when it comes to this LOL. She seems to think it was six months? A year? I don’t know.
Flash forward to Mother’s Day weekend, and the day before she calls me upstairs for another conversation during which she brings up the previously described issues and again calls out the birthday/Valentine’s Day unpleasantries. I ask her after listening to her, “Where do we go from here?” Her response: “I don’t know.” I have heard “I don’t know” or “I don’t know what I want” at least twice.
Then bombshell #1 hits. Her brother hosts a Mother’s Day brunch every year. She tells me that she wants to take the boys and she wants me to stay home. (“I hope you’ll understand I need this time with them.”) This is the first time in 23 years that she expressly uninvited me to a family gathering. I was very hurt but respected her wishes. She told her family I wasn’t feeling well.
I bought her a Mother's Day card earlier in the week (not because we were at odds; just thought it would be nice). I was going to write a little poem in it; I did that last year and she loved it. Instead, I wrote a letter where I poured out my heart to her. I thought it would break the dam, so to speak, Oblivious to what was coming my way, she read it and said she appreciated it, but it was obvious that it didn’t move her as I had hoped.
I followed up with another conversation a day or two later. When I described us as “troubled,” she responded that we were more than troubled and that she didn’t think our relationship could be repaired. In an apparent reference to the Mother’s Day letter, she said I was a master of the written word, but she feels I use that as a substitute for talking to her.
I pointed out the irony that if communication was a major issue, and the problems were long-term, why did she not bring this up six months, or a year, or however long ago this started so that we could have had a discussion before things got to this point. She admitted I had a point but said “you missed the signs.”
I have the Divorce Remedy book. I read the opening chapter online, and it is as if the author read my mind regarding how I feel about this situation. I am well into it and am implementing some of the techniques, most notably Last Resort. I don’t see this situation as irreparable at all, but my wife does, and I think divorce is the least desirable option. And I think trying to fix it deserves a shot.
Behavior wise, based on what I have read so far, I have been handling it as well as could be expected. I had one breakdown. Other than that, needy behavior, bringing up issues, and raising my temper are not happening. We are civil to each other, still sleeping in the same bed (but only sleeping). Holding my tongue is hard sometimes, and it is painful not to be able to hug or even touch her. Her love is only for the boys now. They deserve it, but it does not make the hurt less.
W asked for another talk today. This time, asking if I had thought about how we are going to tell our boys. I replied that I hadn't thought about it yet.
The wording of this is going to be important. I really do not want her to control the narrative and say something like "We have decided..." or "Your father and I have decided..." when I decided no such thing. I do not want to demonize her to our sons, but at the same time I don't want them to believe that I think that this is "for the best."
And she said that very thing again: "I really do believe this is the best for everyone."
She looked at me and said, "You want to say something. I can tell."
I said, "I've said everything I have to say about this. No point in saying it again."
Then I got up and left the room. I wasn't going to let her draw me in.
Also, do not move out of the master bedroom. W wants out, let her move to the spare room, or the basement, or the Harry Potter room under the stairs. D
I have not and will not.
Also have appointment for consultation with attorney on Tuesday.
You are now an emotional rock. Hold steady no matter how rough the storm.
Hi Sunflyer, one tactical approach to help your journey towards becoming an 'emotional rock' is to hit the slow-motion button at the right moment. Slow-motion also helps in more prolonged situations, like simply living through your day. Often, one comes to conclusions or assumes a particular state of mind rather quickly, even when there are no immediate provocations like a live argument. Slow motion is to move through the state-machine of your mind slowly. It allows you to deliberate which path to take toward your next state. This deliberation involves becoming conscious of the nature of the input (e.g., a cruel jab at you two hours earlier or, at this moment, a sense of entitlement that you should not be discussing your problems with your sibling, etc.) and your own processing of that input.
I have put the ring in my pocket and put it on after leaving for work. I wear it when she is not around.
I believe this is perfectly ok for the short term.
In the big picture, you are worried about how SHE will respond to you wearing the ring. This is one of the biggest hurdles new posters have. They are focused on how their spouse is behaving and/or responding etc.
Now is the time to question everything you believe. Digging deep is important. Compartmentalize everything.
Women test their men. It is an ongoing process, and it may be subconscious to her. Your goal is to pass the tests. Most of us arrive here failing all the tests.
Think about this statement: "How can he protect me when he will not even stand up to me?"
Jordan Peterson talks about "Slaying the dragon". Another good talk is about "Beauty and the Beast". Take some time and listen to JP.
Back to the ring. You have your current beliefs on why/when you should /shouldn't wear it. Now is the time to question all of the beliefs you have around it.
From this point on, it is none of her business on why/why not you are wearing it. SHE HAS FIRED YOU as her husband. You make your decision and keep the reasons private.
Wear it if you want to project that you are standing for the marriage. Take it off the day the paperwork is signed.
Do not wear it. Show her that you are supporting her decision even though you disagree with it.
Wear it so that other woman know you are not on the market. "The LAST thing I need in my life right now is ANOTHER woman. Things are complicated enough already."
It is critical that you get ahead of her in this process. Everything she will do is scripted out. How you behave during this process MAY effect her.
She has lost her attraction for you. Changing your behavior is the only way to attract her back. Most get this wrong and do it to slowly.
How soon are you ready to support your wife and ask "How soon can you move out?"
These are two of my mantras: "I don't want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me." "I do not share my woman with other men."
Makes it pretty easy to make decisions have a good set of mantras. Start working on yours.
Stockdale paradox: “You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” — Admiral James Stockdale.
Face the brutal fact that you are going to be divorced. Have faith that your changes will give you the best chance at saving the marriage. She may like what she sees and have a change of heart.
Just thought I’d throw this out there: does anyone have any novel suggestions on how to DB with a spouse that is homebound?....W will be coming home from surgery tomorrow....
It’s interesting how W demands you swear on your son’s life that you are telling the truth. Meanwhile, she is betraying the vows she took. Again, a rather common trait among the WAS/WS.
This is, perhaps, one of the most difficult things for me to understand.
W grew up in a close-knit family. I did not. All of her relatives preach the importance of family. Another one of her favorite quotes, uttered multiple times during our marriage, was "I take my marriage vows seriously."
It is easy to say that, of course, before the test comes. I guess I did not figure her to be someone who, when the going got rough, would just keep quiet and then grab the parachute.
Yes, until truly tested one doesn’t know just what they’ll do.
It is pretty standard for the leaving spouse to become the opposite of who they once were. Some are driven by consuming torments from past trauma(s); others reacting/responding/taking action to built up resentment(s), be those perceived or bonafide.
Regardless of the underlying “cause”, there is an emotional component to all this. Be it the absence of feelings towards the LBS; too many other feelings; numb with no feelings; hurt; angry; sad; excited; etc. Usually a hodgepodge of many emotional states.
The LBS cannot fight, nor bring order, nor peace, nor much of anything to their spouse’s emotional state, since we are the one in the divorce crosshairs. Rational logical reasons do not work. No magical words will significantly penetrate or alter their current viewpoint.
Nothing you do matters. And everything you do does.
The LBS can only control themselves. Their thoughts, actions, and reactions. However, they can, and do, exert an influence. Giving time and space, being kind and cordial, maintaining boundaries regarding disrespectful behaviours, and such. Standing, while moving forward. All within your control. All for you. And all providing a positive influence towards busting a divorce.
W needs to work through her feelings. Needs to chip away at the pile of resentment she has. This takes time and the space to do so, all while you don’t (knowingly/purposefully) add to the pile. This is where focus on you is so important. Pretty much anything you do, can (and will) be used as fodder by W. So do for you. Make wanted changes for you. Let W do and feel what she will. Let her walk her path without manipulation. While you walk your’s.
It’s difficult to realize and do - letting the chips falls where they will, gives you the best shot.
Originally Posted by SunFlyer
…her mother is going to supervise her care when I am out of the house. But she can't be here 24/7, obviously, and leave my FIL alone.
The kicker is that based on her timeline, all of this is going to coincide with her actively trying to remove me from the house. (I am expecting to be served before surgery date. We'll see).
Thus, her dream scenario would mean that during surgery #2 in the fall, all her care and most of the care of our younger son while I'm at work all day is going to fall squarely on her family, mostly her parents, who are in their 70s.
Sounds like a good plan?
Obviously a poor plan. However, it is a common/similar plan. Most often they feel things will just magically happen easy peasy. Logistics, bills, housing, kids, etc… They can have some seriously misguided visions of how things will all turn out, and how the process is going to go.
Originally Posted by SunFlyer
I've seen her parents and brother since everything started. If they know all the details, they are candidates for an Oscar. (I'm not ruling it out). I think her mother (who knows something about W's discontent) would be especially devastated.
A sudden dumping of such a care requirement upon her unsuspecting Mom is likely to not go to well. Steer clear of this minefield.
Originally Posted by SunFlyer
Watched my older son go off to his senior prom today. He is a spectacularly good-looking young man.
I won't lie; it wasn't easy. But I held firm.
There are a number of things coming up that are going to take on a bittersweet flavor, especially his graduation and a fiftieth anniversary party for W's parents.
Yes, there are many milestones that have a bittersweet flavour, even without martial strife. Kids growing up and making their way, is a particular one. And a common “cause” of stirring up feelings, and exacerbating martial problems.
Senior prom is a big event in a young lad’s life. Congrats to him. Be proud of the man he is becoming.
Changing my own behavior was extremely hard. Getting posters here to change their behavior is even harder. Changing others behavior is almost impossible.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
W has outside influences.
She has been in IC for a while. Not with a marriage counselor specifically, although I am sure she is discussing that nowadays. Thus, I suspect said counselor is probably reinforcing her decision to leave the marriage rather than exploring alternatives. (By the way, I caught criticism when she first started going because I didn't inquire as to the specific reasons. Our son had been in IC for a while over different matters, and W said she was just going for her own personal improvement. I left it at that, which ultimately angered her since I didn't probe further).
The potentially scary factor: she is consulting psychics.
This is nothing new for her.Her and mother used to go from time to time. I considered it harmless. She has long known my feelings on this stuff (that it's all [censored]). But she and her mother believe in it completely.
It's really reassuring that the fate of our marriage may hang partially on what these people are telling her. /s
Your post is focused on the wrong person. Look internal. Change the one person you have control of. Change the way you interact with her, and the relationship is forced to change.
She should no longer have any control over you. You lead. You make logical decisions and then behave accordingly. Do not let your emotions control you.
The key points that W had mentioned in her planner do sound like 50/50. I’ll pass on a few things I learnt and experienced along my journey, such as they are as locales do have differing rules on certain items. I found it comforting to know someone else had gone through this before. Anyhow,
The insurance on your boys is likely mandatory. Children’s rights and protections are usually ensured and are not subject to waiver or negotiation. The kids should automatically remain on your work plan, regardless of martial status. In fact, once I retired, my younger kids’ enrolment on to my retirement insurance was mandatory as well.
Your inheritance should be completely your’s. That is for the dollars in an account. Anything you’ve invested or spent upon martial assets, like house renovations, becomes part of that joint asset.
Checking and savings accounts are allocated according to name on the account, regardless of who actually deposited the funds or the intended purpose of the funds.
With similar incomes and pensions your future finances sound pretty much like what you current have. I’d not balk at an agreement. Financial security is important, and as time goes on, most spouse’s generosity goes too.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
It seems odd, but I felt a release when she finished talking, rather than more sadness.
Uncertainty does increase one’s anxiety. Knowing, even the unwanted news/information about what W is thinking/planning, lessens the uncertainty of it all. And information is power.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
I am trusting that you are correct about the bump in the road.
Yes, merely a bump in your road.
Things aren’t done until you say so. You can stand for as long as you like. You can stand down whenever you like. You control you. Where there is love, there is hope. And hope is timeless.
As I said, from someone who has gone before, this is a bump in the road. It will be very life altering. And if you follow DB principles, a most positive life altering.
W asked me yesterday if I had thought more about what she proposed. I said I was still processing. It is obvious she wants to move the divorce forward.
Perfect.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
When she asks again, I will make it clear that if she wants to separate that I will not be moving out as long as D is not final. She can move out, and I will help her do it.
H:"I am happy here. If separating is the only way to make you happy, I will help you move out."
I really like the statement above. You are happy, even when she is not. You let her know indirectly that there are other solutions to her unhappiness. You will help her even if you disagree with her. Facial expressions, infections, body language are even more important than the words. PuppyDogTails talked about how he would practice in the mirror.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
I have, however, been mulling whether or not to suggest a trial separation. This would require her to "put down the weapon" for a while, so to speak. My feeling is that she would not go for that.
I strongly suggest not suggesting "trial". It is counter intuitive, but you projecting an excitement for your new freedom would be better. H:"W, I think it would be best if you found your own place as soon as possible." This kind of statement comes from your belief that you do not want to be with a woman who does not want to be with you.
Two of my early DBing mantras:
"I do not want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me." "I do not share my woman with other men (or other women)."
These are part of my core beliefs that I had to clarify after BD. Get yours nailed down during this process.
Also, the less words, the better. Use just enough to get your point across.
You can keep deflecting, until you have made a decision.
"I am still thinking." "I have not decided"
"This is an important decision. You have had lots of time to think about this. This is all new to me and I need more time."
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
Started crying the other day and let an "I love you" slip, the first one I've heard in a long while.
Just be the emotional rock during this process. Now is the time to project strength through adversity. Jordan perter son talks of facing the dragon.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
"Invasion of the Body Snatchers," where people are replaced by alien duplicates, and their friends, husbands, wives, etc. just know that these aren't the people they've known for years.
So your wife wants to leave the person she knows the most about. You have to embrace just as many changes to you. She needs to see you as someone completely new.
"I have never seen you iron in my life" was one of the statement that stands out from my X. Be new, exciting, different. Surprise her.
Damn, are you married to my W? I'm about to go through the same thing with telling our son, and I'm not sure how to handle it either. I know she'll try telling him this was a mutual decision, etc, but that's all BS. I guess the best thing to do is play nice and agree with her? Eventually the kids will learn the truth. Fortunately (maybe unfortunately) my old school dad, who loves my son more than anything, already said he'll frequently remind him who was 100% responsible for breaking up the family. lol
It is amazing, isn't it? While the backgrounds may differ, I see so many similarities when I read the situations of the various people on this forum. I understand why this walkaway spouse thing is called a syndrome. It's almost like there is an unwritten script, and they all are following it to the letter.
I hope you were able to have some kind of a decent Father's Day. I did. The difficult feelings were definitely there, but I didn't show them. W's brother hosted and the in-laws were as kind to me as ever, even though they know what is going on. While I expect their sympathies are with their daughter, I think they know I am a decent human being. I didn't cheat on their daughter, or abuse her, or come home drunk every night.
The only person I'm a bit ticked off at is my older son. Usually both of my sons write me a hand made card. My younger son did that, but not the older one. Although he does have a new girlfriend, so perhaps he is a bit preoccupied.
Glad to hear you had a good day. I did as well. Took son fishing in the morning, then spent a few hours watching the Thunderbirds fly over my parents house.
Yes, they certainly seem to follow the exact same script. It's a shame there aren't websites or something out there that can reinforce to them that this is a syndrome/disorder. Instead, most of their friends, TV shows, etc will cheer them on saying 'you go girl!'
Just like Terapin, your story is the same as mine. With the exception being I knew there was an OM. The advice you are getting is spot on. I'm almost 14 months post bd, so I'm no expert. Having said that, I went through everything you are now and can tell you how it worked out for me. Post bd I became super husband-cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. Problem is, I already did my fair share, she was just rewriting history. It didn't work. She told me at one point I had become the perfect husband. Whatever. Perfect meaning the only one doing anything. Ended that and went back to doing my fair share, no more. She thought maybe we try an in home separation. Fine, feel free to move into the basement because I'm not leaving my bed. She didn't. Eventually she wanted to separate so she could decide between me and him. I told her I didn't want that however if she was set on separating I was not leaving my home and kids. So she moved in with her parents. Eventually, about a month later, I told her I would no longer share my wife with another man. Told her she had 24 hours to decide. Mind you I had not found this site yet and would have probably been told that I was being controlling. Doesn't matter. I was mentally exhausted and at the time it seemed like the best option. Surprisingly she came home. For many months things were bad and I felt like we were living on borrowed time. I adopted the attitude of not wanting to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. Things got better for me. All of this was to say-listen and use the advice you are receiving. You may not save your marriage. You can save you. Good luck. Also, typing these things I realize I said like Mr. Tough Guy doing all the hard, correct things. Far from it. The night she moved out was the hardest day of my life. Actually telling her to leave because I wasn't about killed me. I've been on here spilling my guts to complete strangers just to help with the pain. It isn't easy and it hurts. Just know that you are doing the right things to help you no matter how wrong it feels.
The front of the card said "thinking of you at this difficult time."
What an idiot. Is she really dumb enough to give you a consolation card?
YOU REALLY NEED TO ASK YOURSELF IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE SO DUMB AND EMOTIONALLY RETARDED.
One of the most valuable things for me with DB.com was it showed me that what I considered crap behaviour is normal in the divorce world.
Every time I came here and said “My idiotic partner has said/done/been …” there would normally be someone that came along and said “That’s nothing, my WAS/WS did xyz …”
You have every right to be angry about her BS card, but it’s actually very consistent and normal behaviour for a WAS/WS. Ask DNJ about some of the crazy stuff his ex wife did - it boggles the mind.
These things become much easier to deal with if you adjust your expectations. Sending a condolence card seems like a stupid thing to do - for a normal person! But for a WAS/WS, it’s completely normal.
You can expect more dumb **** from her. Don’t let it rattle you. And know that thousands of people before you have been subjected to the same BS behaviour, and have got through it.
Probably this is very politically incorrect, but I’m going to say it anyway. Once I had my emotions under control post-BD, every time my ex wife did or said something stupid, I’d imagine she was mentally disabled or she’d been in a car crash and banged her head. Made it easier for me to ignore her and not get wound up by how wildly inappropriate she was being.
I am absolutely capable of saying something like what is under the spoiler without any hint of insecurity. Knowing her, it's very likely her response would be, "What do you mean?"
That is not the response you are attempting to induce.
Misinterpretation with some innuendo while calling her on her BS statement, all while using your humor and not being too serious. Twinkle in your eye.
Closest behavior I can come up with is "Craig Ferguson flirting"...watch some of the Youtube analysis of his behavior.
While working on your personal growth, you can test all kinds of new behaviors. The new behaviors will most likely feel uncomfortable.
Heed Kind’s wise words. Definitely, give yourself 48 hours to settle before doing or saying something. Actions taken, decisions made, based upon emotions lead to regret.
Originally Posted by SunFlyer
As I suspected, W did not keep confidence of our situation from my sister at S17's graduation party. Furthermore, she seems to have framed the narrative so that my sister sympathizes with her in leaving the M.
Originally Posted by SunFlyer
She seems to be selling the story that I am repeating the parenting mistakes of my father, and her parents believe it.
Originally Posted by SunFlyer
"I do everything," she said. She apparently told my sister, "I have tried and tried."
These folks become master manipulators. Easily twisting their reality. Crafting their narrative to fit their wanted view. They will draw family members and friends into their world with these spun tales. They will promise to you - example not to tell your sister, and then do the opposite.
W is projecting upon you. She is blaming you. In fact, she’s likely the one repeating the ingrained parenting mistakes. All this, to further her feelings of justification for what she is choosing and doing/did.
Originally Posted by SunFlyer
Seriously, I feel like I am living in crazy town.
Yep. It’s a wild ride these folks are on. If we LBS stay on the rollercoaster we just get dizzy and nauseous! Step off the coaster, give her to God, let her traverse her wild ride, and look away from the train wreck.
Originally Posted by SunFlyer
I am working early and staying at the office afterward to avoid dealing with her. Today she asked me when I would be home, and I said I am not sure. I am staying at the office and trying to maximize time away from the house because it's just not healthy there right now.
It is really difficult to find one’s footing on how to “deal with” their errant spouse. SF, avoiding and ignoring are ok for short term strategies. Long term, you staying/hiding out at the office is equally unhealthy. Treat her as a roommate. Focus on you. Live (and love) your life.
That sounds so tough to have overheard all of that. You must be fuming!
I’m sorry you’re being treated so badly and blamed for everything Sunflyer.
And please don’t apologise for venting at the board - that’s what it is here for.
The first thing you need to do, is not respond or do ANYTHING for 48 hours.
But do acknowledge the physiological and emotional things you are feeling. Increased heart rate, sweaty palms, increased respiration rate, over stimulated, angry and disgusted. Acknowledge those things, let them flow over you. But whatever you do, don’t let those primitive responses control how you act/behave. It’s going to take minimum 48 hours for some emotional water to flow under the bridge, so you need to make sure that happens first so that measured, controlled, objective, calm Sunflyer is making the decisions.
The next part may sound like I’m having a go at you, but I’m not … hear me out.
The problem here … is your expectations.
You’re expecting her to act in an honest, respectful, accountable and reasonable way. But she won’t. Walkaway spouses/wayward spouses never do. To expect them to do so is, well, a fool’s errand.
Imagine you walk down the street. You find 100 men or women who are currently forcing divorce on their shell-shocked, unagreeable spouse. Perhaps they’re having an affair, a mid-life crisis, have found toxic new friends or their unresolved mental health issues are rearing up.
Then you ask all 100 of those bomb-dropping walkaways/waywards whose fault the divorce is. How many do you think would say it’s their own fault? One? Perhaps two out of a hundred?
Those other 98 people - are going to squarely place the blame exclusively at their ex’s feet. Human nature is that we don’t want to take responsibility for our own decisions or unhappiness. It’s in society all around us. It’s the follow on effect of the last thirty years where everyone had to get a participation certificate instead of being told “you didn’t win.”
So here we are, in a society where people who initiate a separation or divorce don’t have the guts to say “I’m a cheat” or “I got bored” or “I consciously choose to renege on my vows.”
What you’re expecting of her Sunflyer - it’s NEVER going to happen. Let me give you a few more examples with how this plays out in modern society:
1. Gets speeding ticket - “Wasn’t fair, cop was waiting at the bottom of a hill” rather than “I chose to speed.”
2. Hits car in front - “The road was wet and these tyres are crap” rather than “I was tailgating too close.”
3. Loses employment - “They bullied me” rather than “I was lazy at work and kept arriving late despite several warnings.”
4. Working in crappy job - “I couldn’t afford a college education” rather than “I chose to party and booze my money away rather than go to college.”
This is our society, and it’s not going to change. If you expect good things from people, you’re always going to be disappointed. If you expect her to project, blame, lie and play victim - well life’s going to be a whole lot easier. And let’s face it, if she actually owned her part in all this, you probably wouldn’t be at this website, would you?
Here’s my story:
My ex-wife was allergic to employment. Every time she started a new job, she had to leave because “they were being cruel to her” or because she faked panic attacks. She told me I was working too much and didn’t help her enough at home, but when I cut my hours back, she blamed me because she had to cut her clothing spending back 😳 She “had to” text her ex boyfriend because it was my fault that she felt lonely when I had to go away with my job. But when I worked interstate, I wasn’t allowed to socialise with any female colleagues (controlling much?). She also told her friends I was a s*** husband because I did so much of the housework it made her feel lazy 🙄 It was my fault that lawyer fees cost her a fortune, even though she filed and refused mediation. It was my fault she had an affair with one of the Dad’s on my kid’s soccer team. It was also my fault when he dumped her after getting in her pants for a few months, because our divorce was stressful and so she wasn’t nice to be around. I lost my job for 18 months during COVID, so she forced sale of the family home to get her hands on the money. But then it was my fault she had to move into a rental. It was also my fault when she got kicked out of her rental for trashing it and not paying her rent (even though she had hundreds of thousands of dollars of mine from the settlement).
Do you see my point?
WAS/WS will nearly always play victim so they don’t have to face themselves or their friends and family over what they’ve done.
I guarantee you no matter what you say, do, exhibit or prove, she will absolutely play that narrative for years to come, if not her entire life.
Any attempt by you to hold her accountable and clear your own name will make her accuse you of being manipulative or controlling.
There is absolutely nothing you can do to change her narrative. The best thing for you to do is to let it go, and make your all your decisions based on what you know is the right thing to do - not on how she might frame things to others or how you imagine people may perceive you.
It’s probably the hardest part of being a LBS. But trust me, one day you just won’t care.
