Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - Acceptance

Old thread https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2945546#Post2945546

Salsa. Dancing is way out of my comfort zone and has been pretty intimidating my whole life but there is a good instructor and hey it’s really fun.

Rockon, I know you were fairly new to the forum when I started my journey & I've followed all your posts. I speak from no experience at all and feel blessed to have had guidance from people who have survived this trauma so please take anything I say with a pinch of salt (not sure that translates internationally).

My 21st wedding anniversary is near the end of June so I''m assuming a similar time to you? I'm not giving it a great deal of thought. I'm learning that when I focus on things like "what should have been", I can become tied to old narratives and stories which only serve to strengthen those big emotions. Don't get me wrong, this stuff isn't easy & I have to check out my intentions sometimes (did this tonight with DnJ). However, I do know it is much much easier when I let go of H. I hate that he wants someone & not me but if I stay focused on that, then the only person who suffers is me. I'm getting real joy from pushing myself outside my comfort zone. Trying new things that I wouldn't have done when with H. All this us with the intention of building my confidence. My aim is to feel comfortable in being alone. When I achieve this, then I'll know I'm ready for my next relationship.

You seem like a good man who cares a lot for his family, please try to look at what is best for you & what will help you move forward. Act as if you were never married. Look at how you can make your life richer for yourself. I remember at the start of this nightmare, I was going out, getting dressed up purely with the intention of H seeing me in the video doorbell to try & evoke a response. I now go out without giving him a second thought. It's for me. My enjoyment, my pleasure.

I have no expectations for the future but would like to end my life with a partner. This may be H but increasingly, I'm seeing that there are other possibly more favourable options.

Out at the park last night with S21 and my parents on a beautiful evening to watch S25’s baseball game. S got the win pitching 4 strong innings in relief and his friend from high school walked it off with a home run in extra innings. Walking to the car with S21 after, I thought to myself, “I’m happy.”

Good Morning Rock


Father’s Day, anniversary, and such do stir one’s emotions. Do the techniques and methods to acknowledge these feelings and let them wash over you.

You’re just back from a vacation. A good vacation from what you’ve shared. It is easy to unintentionally and unknowingly fall back into “old” habits that reinforce the very stresses and behaviours you likely “forgot” about during your time away from home and hearth. Reinforce the behaviours and inputs - the focus on other things like while vacationing - to alter your default responses to the familiar.


Good stuff.


I totally get how you’d not be looking forward to your anniversary and all it represents and reminds you of what you’ve lost, the pain and suffering, and so on.

Here’s a 180 for you. Why are looking at the anniversary at all? Looking at it, forwards or backwards will reinforce your emotions.

Yes, you need a plan!

Your plan: The anniversary is just another date on the calendar. Treat it as such. Focus on you! Not the lost. Do something. Go out for a meal and a movie. Go camping. Go out with friends. Something to alter/shift your internal view and relevance of the date. Small steps my friend.

(Thanksgiving for me is just a family gathering now, not bomb drop anniversary. My wedding anniversary passes by without realizing it. I’ve not forgotten my marriage. I’ve not forgotten bomb drop. I’m just not dragged around by them. It doesn’t hurt anymore.)


Excellent! Good plan! Have a great time.


Stop. Imagine the big red stop sign. Think Friday (or whatever the day is), not anniversary.


See the difference? Does it aspire/feel different inside you? Yes, go shoot pool and enjoy time with friends. Be present in the moment. Limit backsliding for that time.


Certainly talk to them if they bring it up. However, another 180 suggestion for you: You lead.

Gently steer your kids. Treat “Friday” like Friday. Let them know you are going out to shoot pool. Not a specific conversation. More if you and they talk between now and then. Your youngest is still living with you, so I suspect you share your whereabouts and plans with him more often than not. And if this doesn’t come up, more the better.

Basically, do not bring up the anniversary. Let it pass by unnoticed by them even. And it will be perfectly fine to respond if one of them happens to bring it up.


No card. No talk. No call. Nothing. Let it pass by unacknowledged between you two.

From your first post:


W is still living with her Mom. She hasn’t owned nor discussed her affair. She has found an equilibrium. Externally, she is not doing much of any sort of progress. Internally, hopefully she is moving forward. One looking really cannot tell.

You, continue to not manipulate. Give her time and space! And this upcoming special day (notice how that particular wording doesn’t reinforce the feelings tied and associated with “anniversary”), do something for you.

You do for you. Not to manipulate her. Perhaps, her boggle dice get shook up in such action from you. That’s ok. Heck, it’s likely even a good thing to disturb her equilibrium, however that is not the purpose nor focus of why. The why is for you. Your growth and healing. Any positive influence upon her and her path that may occur, or any negative repercussions, mostly matters not. You enact and do and change for you. DB in a nutshell, right?

D

Yes their plans with her have to do with their relationships with their mom and I’m not making them happen nor blocking. I did not know she was going to drop him off. She walked in with him. She commented on progress on the house I didn’t tell her about it. I was friendly and happy and STFU (I forgot to mention this) as she briefly shared some of her ideas about my relationship with our kids (she said I need to give them space).

Had a great day! Breakfast and church with S and D. Then I went and celebrated my mom with siblings and my dad in the park. It was perfect. Came home worked in the garden and got a good sweat on. Eldest S came home and cracked me a cold one.

Smile 😎 life is good,

Took a trip out of the country, yet your update is about how your wife wished you well and you’re a great dad. It’s truly awe inspiring how much you ignore advise. Speaking of ignoring, how about answering ready2change

I agree with Kind18, I’m not really sure what this board can do for you anymore. Until you fix your attachment and severe emotional issues you cannot sustain a healthy relationship with anyone. You probably should place all your focus into IC right now.

So are you suggesting you have your older kids send a “Happy Anniversary Card” to your W who has a BF? That screams of desperation to manipulate her back to the marriage.

That sounds fantastic Rockon, I love the dancing. Could you maybe do that on your anniversary? It would be great to do something you never would have previously done, gain great enjoyment from & can be focused and stay present on that difficult day. Good luck with it & keep the focus on you.

R2C, I think everything from all of you is really helpful for me. This has been incredibly difficult and I want to stay focused on DB and doing what is right and being well.

I have been coming to the realization lately that I am good on my own. I have known for quite some time that I would be ok eventually alone. But I am accepting that now I am functionally single. And my family and I are doing better without W in many respects. So I am seeing evidence that I am moving forward. No I’m not planning to date though socializing as I have been has opened my eyes to that future possibility. Not ready for another relationship. And I do want to hone my DB skills.

Yes I get thrown for a loop (eg the upcoming anniversary) but I’m back on track here. Being honest means that I face ways that I am not doing well and acknowledge my process and the progress I am making. I have encountered some recent setbacks in the effects of ptsd. Booked some extra therapy sessions. I need to reinforce the discipline of morning exercise. I am starting to box again now that the ball season is over. Planning some camping trips.

A good points. Make believe, songs and stories with granddaughter. Relating on a whole new level with eldest D. Laughter, games, music and good food with other kids altogether. And then sports, talks and walks with my dad. And music and hugs with my mom.

That’s great! Dancing is something I have always felt incredibly comfortable with. I should look into this too. Keep up the good work, Rockon.

Going again tonight. It’s a really fun welcoming community. Had a potluck dinner together before dancing recently. Making some new friends.

H:"yes it does"