So, I was here almost 5 years ago when W said she wanted to D. Typical 'I'm not happy, not in love with you, etc'. Later found out she was having some type of emotional affair with some idiot. I won't go into details, but I began DB'ing, we decided to try to save the marriage, went to counseling, and have remained married. Just as a quick rundown, I'm 49yo, W is 44, and we have a 13yo son.
Our therapist at the time was great. We were going weekly and things (while nowhere near perfect) were improving. Then covid hit and therapy stopped. We never went back, cause I think we both thought we were on pretty stable ground. But things have slowly been backsliding. Over the last 6 months or so, sex has stopped, communication has decreased, she sleeps on the couch again due to my 'snoring', etc. But, we've still been doing things on weekends, raising our son, etc.
Friday night she sat down and asked to 'talk'. Like Yogi Berra said 'it was like deja vu all over again'. Almost the same conversation as before. 'Unhappy, grew apart, different views on things, etc'. This time she swore on sons life that there is nobody else in the picture. Who knows.
Truth be told, I haven't been all that happy either, and divorce has crossed my mind a few times. But never seriously enough to break up the family. The next day she said she's not 100% sure this is what she wants, but is leaning heavily towards divorce. May or may not consider therapy again.
So, here I am, back again, almost the same situation. Honestly I don't know if I even want to work to try saving the marriage. But regardless, I have some reading to do, as I've not really thought about this stuff for a long time!
Steve and DnJ, thanks for the feedback. It means more than you know.
So I got a new grill/smoker, and have been keeping myself busy on Saturday's trying to 'cook' meats. It is relaxing, and gets me 'away' from stuff.
Today, after mowing grass, weed whacking, etc, etc, I tried smoking pork. W came out and spent the day pulling/cutting weeds in the back yard. When she would get a bunch of weeds/wood, I'd drive it up and throw it in the woods.
Around 6pm, I took a shower and told her I'm going out for a while. I went to the local restaurant and had a few drinks. Why is this important? Because I was thinking/planning on having a 'talk' with her and making one last plea to save our M. Instead I went 'out', which I know shocked her. My voyage didn't last long, but I had a good time
I don't think your situation is quite ready for the LRT. DNJ did a great job describing it. I'd just start DBing: GAL, 180s, detachment. The time for the Last Resort Technique may come. Until then just go back to the basics.
She may be lying. I got into her facebook account and there aren't any messages there, but like I said it only takes a second to delete them. I could try checking her phone, but again doubt I'd find anything.
Absolutely don’t stalk. It’s a rabbit hole to pain. Also, there’s been a few here recently who have done it against our advice, and been threatened during the divorce with a domestic violence or restraining order. DON’T DO IT.
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I may call our old therapist and book an IC session.
Every divorce forum I read says it's imperative to be the first to file. If she's having 2nd thoughts, I'd probably be willing to wait and work on it. If she's still preparing, I should probably file. Wish I knew
Do not make this decision based on her thought process. Do not file based on fear. Do not let fear control you.
Do you want to divorce her? Yes = file No = work on you.
If she files, then you can review her paperwork and counter. It is just negotiation and a business transaction.
With that said, Go get free consults with the top 3 divorce attorney's in your area. Knowledge is power. Also, she most likely will not be able to retain them since you have spoken with them (confirm this with the lawyers as well).
I understand the worry about your finances. However, you are unlikely to offset the financial strain of divorce with some saving of money right now. That being said, do not go wasting it either.
Speaking of burning through money, keep an eye on your finances. Some spouse’s who are checking out of the marriage start spending like crazy.
Some ideas:
Consider your financial picture and make a Terapin GAL budget and don’t overspend it.
A golf game here and there is no big deal. Same for a meal out, or new cloths. As long as you can reasonably afford it.
Do GAL things that cost nothing or very little. A walk in the park. Read a book. Resurrect an old hobby. If you’re like me, you’ve likely placed it on a shelf and there it sat for years. Pull that “already paid for” stuff down and start it up again.
Originally Posted by Terapin
…if you were in a similar sitch, how'd you handle it?
Be financially proactive. W is talking about divorce. Get joint credit cards paid off and cancelled. Get a new credit card in your name only, so you are only responsible for your debt. W would likely do the same. Caveat, in some locales the individual credit cards are still considered martial debt; something you’d find out when speaking with, and gather information from, a lawyer.
Figure out your share of the joint expenses - mortgage or rent, loans, bills, insurance, and such. I’d be tempted to deposit that amount into the joint account and the rest into your own personal account. That way, your GAL expenses and budget are private.
Get legal advice (now) and have your paycheck direct deposit go into a private account for your eyes only. Contribute a fair (know your responsibilities) amount each paycheck into your shared non discretionary expenses. You control your own money: if you can afford filet mignon and premium green fees and a personal trainer or picnics an heavy bag and hill runs it matters not. You need to control you.
Take my ideas with a grain of salt I’m learning as I go.
To me it sounds like you are in a good spot mentally. Keep up that attitude.
As far as what happened, take a step back, as boat said, divorcing you over beers isn't happening. Getting mad that you aren't falling apart, groveling, or doing something wrong that she can point that finger at to blame you for very well could be.
She absolutely wanted you to notice what she was doing so you'd go check. Don't let her know it worked. Don't bring a thing up.
You go out and have a few beers with your friend and she decides to divorce you. Does this make sense? I would argue if anything she’s frustrated because you’ve sat on the couch for 15 years and now that she has decided to divorce you that you are becoming exciting.
We would keep the sitch from our son, and 'pretend' that we're the happily married couple.
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Hell she even said I'd be free to see other women.
Let me translate these two statements for you:
“I want to hide this from people initially because I don’t want to fully burn my bridge, and I want you to get on board with this so that I can tell people it was a mutual decision. If we do it slowly, I don’t have to take sole responsibility for it.”
“I’m already seeing another man. I’m encouraging you to see other women because it will make me feel better about my shi**y behaviour.”
Nothing new to report here, but I have another question.
Learning better ways to communicate is a good part of our personal growth, but I believe talking isn't the solution. Changes to our believes and behaviors is a better "tactic". Your strategy is DBing.
Us men are simple creatures. Most of us are attracted by the visual. I can recommend to the ladies to "look better" and your husband will notice. That is the low hanging fruit. Dress nicer, smell nicer act nicer.
Women are more attracted to the behavior of the man. How do high status men behave? Men of high SMV, how do they behave? There are traits we can make our own to make us more attractive.
So I will give my two cents from that perspective.
Originally Posted by Terapin
Because eventually, she's going to want to 'talk'. And of course IDK for sure how it'll go, based on past experiences I can imagine her starting with something like this:
W: 'Hey, I just wanted to talk. Things got a little off track with my grandma's situation, and thanks for being there for that. But you haven't really said anything about things. So have you even thought about this stuff?'
Assuming this is text or email, I would wait a long time before responding, then: 90% H:"Nope. Been busy." or 10% H:"What stuff?"
Originally Posted by Terapin
The problem is, not only is my W a woman, she's also a professional therapist. So she's much better at these conversations than I am, which is why I typically don't say much.
You are in a hard spot. What is the your purpose of conversating with her? Most guys do it wrong. The worst thing you can do is talk to her like you would a man. Do not be boring. Stiring a womans emotions or turning her on or building sexual tension...those are the main purpose I recommend to you.
Originally Posted by Terapin
But she likes to probe deeper with stuff like "why do you think the M could work?" "What do you think about the M that's worth saving?" It's stuff like that that can trip me up, even with the tips I've learned here. I don't think she does it to really get my thoughts, but more to convince me why my feelings are wrong.
You will never "win" in conversations like this.
This is why we say to avoid R talks like the plague.
Back to a response, "Misinterpret" can be useful at times...
H:"I have been thinking about it a lot. I really liked her and will miss her. Life is so short."
But back to reality....When she does text you, come here, we can give you many options on how to respond. Then you can choose from all the options.
