My wife told me she wanted a divorce and after tryin the last resort technique she has now agreed to a trial 3 month separation. The problem is that we can't afford for one of us to move out. So I am sleeping in my Man Cave and she is sleeping in our bedroom but we still live under the same roof and see each other daily. We work together on things regarding the kids, finances and running the home.
My question is how do we give each other space? We still ride to the gym together, got to the store, church etc. Should I pull away and not do any of those things with her?
Cschalla, the first thing you should do is to move back into the MB. She can stay too, but if she wants to do the separation thing she can moved into another room. Do not dismiss this, this is important. WAWs do not respect their LBHs. Women are not attracted to men that they do not respect. Start commanding her respect. It is difficult for most LBHs because the intuitive thing to do is to nice her back to the marriage.
Learn this truth: You cannot nice her back to the marriage. So do that which commands respect. Sleeping in your mancave is not commanding respect. She's the one that wants out of the marriage, she's the one that should sleep elsewhere.
So tonight you get ready for bed and get into the MBR. When she asks you say, "I like sleeping here." When she gets upset you listen and validate (see the validation thread). I'm ok with you explaining to her that she's the one that wants a divorce, she should be the one to sleep elsewhere. Be polite, but be firm. She will get angry. She won't like you very much. But she WILL respect you.
I'd do this tonight. Every day that goes by makes it more difficult.
And then read as many of the quotes as you can as soon as you can.
This is triage for your marriage. You have a whole team of people here that can help you make the positive change you need to thrive during this most difficult time.
You need to seek legal advice on what to do and not do at this time. First and foremost, please make sure you have separate bank accounts and credit card accounts. If the cards are joint and she already as a new card, then she doesn't need to be charging on your joint card. If she is still on the card and charging, you will be responsible for those charges if she doesn't pay up.
As for using her lawyer, I don't recommend this. He/she is going to be working for her and looking out for her best interests. It's best to get your own lawyer and know what your rights are.
Is it over? I don't think so, not right now. Can you stop this? No, but you can find ways to delay it, if that is what you want. I wouldn't speak to her about anything legal at this time. This is now a business deal that has gone totally "south". You need to look out for you and your family.
I am sorry you are having to go through this, but educate yourself as much as possible on your rights. Keep focusing on you and if you are having discussions with her, keep them light and off the separation/divorce. Do not share all of what you are doing with her. She can't miss you if you are still sharing with her.
I am going to echo much of what he been said already
DBing is about giving yourself the best chance at a future reconciliation. It is not a guarantee of successfully avoiding divorce. Many of us came here hoping for the quick fix. The magic bullet. The do this or say this and your marriage will be saved. Unfortunately, that's not the way it works. There are no quick fixes. These things tend to remain in limbo for a long time.
Also many WAS have claimed they were done and definitely want a divorce. I'm my own situation my wife was done. Insisting she wanted a divorce. No if, ands, or buts about it. Even when she started to have second thoughts about divorce she still insisted it was what she wanted. Weeks into it she was starting to act as if she didn't want it and still hadn't filed. And we are still together today happier than we've ever been. I don't say that to give you false hope (read my last paragraph again), but to say no it also doesn't mean that it still can't turn around.
We've had lots of LBSs that have insisted that they can't afford a lawyer. I always counter with you can't afford not to have a lawyer. It's similar to having surgery, do you want to have a surgeon you can trust do the surgery? Of course you would no matter the cost.
Keep DBing. If she files for divorce, if she doesn't file for divorce, keep DBing. No matter what the future holds focus on becoming your best self through DBing. And let the chips fall where they may.
