I hear you. I think I am somewhere in between. I do not dwell on what has happened as much. I do not think about ways to have him suffer or pay. I do feel in many ways I’ve let go of him. But if the universe is going to send suffering his way, then I’m grateful to it. Maybe I still have a long way to go, but at least it feels like I’ve come a long way.
What is more on my mind is the loss of my life. You know, the life that was the “plan” and where I thought it was going. There is some excitement in reinvention, but there is also a lot of frustration at having to begin anew and knowing that some of the things I was excited about are not going to happen. But I’m doing my best to embrace it and count my moments of gratitude each day. I think it will get even easier now that the pandemic is slowing and life is happening again. It was very hard to move forward when isolated and stuck alone. Traveling and new experiences are a big part of that discovery for me, so I am grateful for being able to do that right now.
It’s good to pop in on this board and see that you are still here…and I think your new role suits you well. You definitely have been a big part of my journey and your advice has meant so much to me. Thank you for stopping by with more support.
So much of what you said, and D's response, resonates with me El. OW's recent death and watching my kids head off on a trip today that XH and I used to talk about taking them on has left me thinking about the planned future that was lost. I think it is just a normal part of the grief process...letting go of what was and what could have been for what is.
If I have figured out anything these past few years, it is that this process is not a linear one. Most days, I get up and I don't even think about it. Once in awhile, I have a day where it is all I think about to the extent I find myself yelling "stop" in my head and looking for ways to distract myself. Those are the days I go out of my way to choose forgiveness and send positive vibes XH's way. Not for him but for me. As D says, it is very freeing and allows me to move forward in a way that feels true to the person I am and want to be.
Not gonna lie though... the last three months have been really tough with OW in and out of hospital so XH has had to rely on me a lot to help with the kids and take on more responsibilities than I would normally so he can focus on caring for OW. Very much a mirror image of our marriage in some ways so it has taken its toll on me emotionally. That aside... I am, like you, focusing on exploring and travel and on making new plans for myself. I am grateful I am able to do this and honestly do believe I am a better, stronger version of the person I was before my marriage blew up. It is not hard to find things to be grateful for every single day.
