As I read through the forums on Divorce Busting, I like to grab the nuggets of gold and share.
My advise, commit to personal growth. What you judge in others, you condemn in yourself. Take all the focus off of your spouse and address your own issues. How hard is it to change your own behavior? Now think how hard (almost impossible) to change someone else.
If you have kids, commit to being the best parent ever. Frequent and equal contact with both parents is important. You are responsible for your relationship with your kids. Let your spouse be responsible for their relationship with the kids. Learn new ways of parenting. Lots of great books out there. Most of the relationship skills dealing with spouse will also help in parenting.
Set goals for the future and keep taking steps to get there. Do this in all areas (SPIES - Social, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual.) Get in alignment (Beliefs, Thoughts, Body Language, Tones, Words, Actions) with your core values.
Try new ways of interacting. Read about boundaries and learn how to set and enforce them. Be in the present. Let go of the past and do not fear the future. Learn ways of being more attractive, especially in your behavior. Learn ways of being seductive (indirectly attracting). This is an extremely important set of skills to understand.
The best way to respond to a particular event? Initially, the best action to take is no action. Do your homework here. Do not react emotionally. Stay neutral. Seek wise council here. Evaluate all the different options and the possible outcomes of each. Challenge your current beliefs. Make a choice and live with the consequences, good or bad. Things are predictable. Read and read and read. Get mentally ahead of your spouse in the whole process ASAP, they are ahead right now.
As far as your spouse, until you have enough info to prove this wrong, assume there is another person (Hint: This is your first 180). Do not reveal anything about what you know and how you found out. "We both know that is a lie." is a great way to deal with any deception.
I wish everyone well during these difficult times. Remember that everything will be OK no matter what the WAS chooses.
You're constantly validating why she left, every single time you engage with her the same old way. For the sake of yourself and any hope you have of a recon down the road, STOP IT.
As others have said, talk with the attorney you referenced. Talk with 3-4 more that offer free consultations. When I was searching for an L, I got lots of great information from each of the 5 with whom I spoke. Lots of what they shared overlapped, but each offered some unique wisdom about specific topics. Nobody will take care of you as well as you can yourself with the decisions you make for yourself right now. Let your L tell you what best to do in your situation.
Just remember at the end of the day its not worth fighting and giving up your values and morals for someone who is willing to give up a marriage and a stable family. God does not reward those who are given so many blessings and cant humble themselves to be grateful for these blessings. You have shown so much resilience and fortitude throughout this whole process, many of us admire your stoicism in the face of all the obstacles thrown in front of you, a lot of us could not do even a fraction of what you have managed to do, by being an amazing example for your children and by being a stable guiding force in their life when you have had to deal with a storm wrought by a lost soul. Sometimes it is best to be alone than to be with the wrong person, and when one can accept this God will bless us with the right person as a reward for our faith and perseverance. Your W will learn the hard way the lessons she has been given time to learn from up front but refused to do so. One cannot avoid fate and run from our problems, that road only leads to a giant wall. You are on the right path mentally and your children will be the gift from god that will give you life and love
Unfortunately letting go isn't a strategy to gain your H back. It's a part of acceptance. Both of your H as he is. And the marriage as it is.
It is part of the grieving process. Unfortunately if you use it as a tactic - it's manipulation. And manipulation provides short term relief with some long term consequences.
Letting go is very hard. Re-read the detach section on the forum and then ask yourself... how can you detach from your H. How can you move closer to your needs and further away from caring how he responds?
To anyone reading this or going through it, you will go through different phases of emotions, what may seem or feel abnormal, isn't. Let yourself feel what you have to feel, it's what makes us who we are, we have a heart and a soul. Do not stray from doing what is best for you and what you want from your life. Feel the sorrow, feel the hurt, cry when you need to, heck even talk to yourself if you must, say a prayer to yourself and ask God for strength, try not to Harbour any hatred or resentment as hard as it may seem. Be the version of yourself that God would ask you to be, take the time to absorb your surroundings, listen to the birds chirping, the leaves ruffling, breathe in the scent of the cut grass, or the blooming flowers. Do not let yourself fall into a cycle of negative thoughts.
