Once again I must have typed up a new thread and deleted it. Mostly because again, it’s just a journal. A place to put my thoughts.
I chose to keep my dating life private, but there isn’t even one to keep private. Still have not joined any apps and I have no plans to. I’ve been off of them for months ( with the exception of FB dating which is just there). The thought of going through more first dates with star gets, second and third dates is not appealing to me at all. It’s got me so disconnected. My heart isn’t in it. The only way I can see myself getting into it is a guy I meet in the whole and just get to know. But that isn’t happening either, so here I am.
I was reading BL’s GAL this week. And it confirmed what i have been feeling lately. I read BL’s every day GAL events and I get exhausted. I don’t have the energy. I have a decent amount of things I could be doing , but none I really want to. I have at least one social event on the calendar per week, I could have more, but i don’t want it. I think I’m getting old. I just don’t have the energy in my bones. At night, I do get a little bored in the same breath. Well, not bored but antsy. My D and I watch hockey together and play cards after all the chores and stuff are done. But then I’m like “I guess I’ll just go to bed now. I feel lonely even though my D is there ( lonely for adult company o guess) even though my D is cool as heck ( don’t tell her I said that). I’m just in a weird spot.
I got invited to that music fest with 2 friends. I’m excited about that, but it’s a lot of money. My friend actually offered to pay because she wants me to go so bad, but I said I wouldn’t let her do that. So I’m just going to pick up an extra shift or something.
I brought my D to my gym on Saturday. I basically dragged her as my valentines date ( it was being your partner day). She ended up loving it and she and I were both surprised she survived it. She wants to join ( big bucks!) I got her dad to split it because we don’t pay for any other sports and it is as much as swim when she did it. It’ll be fun to do together.
And on my last note. OMG, my job. It’s exhausting and stressful. And the hardest part is my counterpart. I can manage every type of personality. But I can’t figure out to manage her. She just stakes over every conversation, she perseverances, she tells stories over and over in detail to EVERYONE, she makes everything about her and needs to be HEARD. We had to meet with an employee together and she just dominates the conversation. Every time I open my mouth she opens quicker and louder and longer ( that’s what she said). One thing I DO NOT Adonis compete to be heard. She does because I think she grew up that way. Me, I was never heard and no one really cared to listen, so I guess my way of dealing with that was to just not bother. But I don’t have the energy to compete. She doesn’t mean harm, but my good, she drains my energy daily. I also spent time at an event with my BFF coworker and my god, we miss eachother lol. She talks about it all the time to her husband. Our personalities just mesh perfectly.
Do I want to be a manager forever ? I’ll be rethinking that when I move. Whenever and wherever that is. I still feel like that is hanging in the air.
I’m in a slump, that’s for sure. I think it’s weather related so I hope the spring and more time outdoors will help with my energy levels.
Well, I had a very stressful 10 Hour day yesterday at work. I was supposed to go out with my former coworkers and I came home, laid in my bed and tried to come up with every excuse not to. And then BL snuck into my head and said “get up and get out there!” I walked into the bar and the first words were “ OMG, you are so tiny!!!!” They haven’t seen me in a bit. Kind of weird having people call me “tiny” or skinny” because I have never been either of those 2 things. And I’m still 9 lbs from goal, but I’m much more fit at this weight than I ever was. Anyways, we had such a great time. We all made plans to go to these fun places soon. Dancing, drinking, tacos, concerts…… i look forward to it. They also said they miss me a lot on the on the floor. The new case manager is nice enough, but she isn’t me, and it’s not nearly as fun anymore. They appreciated my laid back, let’s get this problem solved attitude and the jokes I would make during rounds. I miss them like crazy too, it is true, your coworkers can make or break your job.
Then another former coworker asked if I wanted to grab drinks today. I love that she’s more of an early bird like me, and we are happy to grab drinks and apps at 5pm on a Saturday, Lol. I’ve got work tomorrow .
Being out last night definitely lifted my spirits. I have to remember that for the next time Im looking for every excuse to cancel…..
I agree with bttrfly. You sound depressed, but I also think that you are exhausted and stressed with work and your counterpart. You have so much on your plate that stress almost appears like a "normal" thing for you. Stress can kill you and yes, it also affects your health...as you well know.
Can you get out of that office periodically and take a walk or get a coffee or just a moment to breathe? You need to find a way to "de-stress".
I would like to see you take just one week and leave the cleaning alone. Take the time when you come home from the job to just enjoy a bit of "me" time. It could be doing something with your daughter, going to a movie and/or show, walking, gym, or just simply relaxing at at home with absolutely no plans. Plan some nice, long bubble baths while sipping on some wine. You have to take care of yourself because no one else is going to do it for you. It's too late when you end up in the hospital with a heart issue or worse yet, in a casket. Please, please take care of yourself.
