Started an affair a few weeks before that timing. Immediately found out. Lying, spewing, rewriting of history, wanting both of us, etc. until I kicked him out 09/2019. Came back 2 months later, totally broken. (way too soon)
Final break-up with OW1 02/2020.
Home from 02/2020 until 08/2020. Deep outward depression, first signs of acknowledgement that something is really wrong with him. Still shows a lot of running behavior such as drinking heavily.
Accepts new job abroad since 04/2020, working from home since COVID, asked him to leave for the other country in 08/2020 since behavior is extremely bad for myself and my 3 boys, all teenagers.
From 09/2020 until 12/2020 slightly showing improvement whilst abroad, new running behavior...working out (sports) to an extreme level.
As from 12/2020 clear set-back into tunnel, start of OW2 but denies it.
01/2021 to 11/2021: In January he informs me that OW1 passed away (suicide), also asked for divorce, I agree. Still lives abroad and has R with OW2, denies the R until 09/2021.
Clinging towards me and the boys remains present at all times.
10/2021 until 02/2022: Break-up with OW2 in November, returns home, starts doing some work on himself and suddenly set back in tunnel again.
02/2022: Goes back to OW2. I finally let go in full. divorce final.No contact anymore with me nor with the kids. House is for sale. I’m done.
06/2022: Rock-bottom has been reached abroad during a trip with a friend. As from that time slowly improving contact with family and kids.
09/2022: "Final" break-up with OW, turns out she is pregnant, still reconnecting, now with me as well.
I'm also not a native English speaking person so sometimes a bit more difficult in understanding everything in a correct way.
Indeed, I do not yet have the feeling that he is pushing very hard, but what should I see as pushing?
Pushing. Pursuing.
Pushing is moving something or someone out of your way.
Pursuing is going after something or someone; striving for it, working/doing to achieve it/them.
Pushing hard for something, pursuing hard - semantic differences. However, it’s the assertiveness that one displays, their driving force behind them, their motivation. That’s the pursuing hard.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
Why I wasn't really occupied with that is because I read a lot that when an MLC'er returns from the tunnel, it's with "a whisper of doubt", that you have to be very careful with them in that phase, but you tell me that they strive very hard. That's inconsistent and I'd like to know why. Can you explain this to me?
They awaken with a whisper of doubt. Their rise up, is like how they descended into the abyss - slowly. Whispers upon whispers pointing out their life and choices. Eventually, if not ran from and ignored, those whispers become a chorus. For a MLCer fortunate enough to listen and hear that, they can find their path back.
Whisper of doubt displays a desire towards reconnection. Pursuing hard displays a desire towards reconciliation. Just further down the path, more or less.
When reconnecting, when the whispers are still doubts and questions, the MLCer is timid and very scared of judgement. Their path is still about them. It’s their judgement of self, well actually it’s their forgiveness of self. They are so very very scared of not being forgiven for the monstrous deeds they’ve done.
The LBS who is present in the MLCer’s life, can and does influence the way. Basically, the MLCer sees their betrayed spouse demonstrating acceptance and compassion towards them, things the MLCer feels they do not deserve. Such nonjudgemental actions lead to themselves believing in their own healing and worth.
The path of out of their darkness is twisted and difficult. And is possible.
When G first showed some signs of awakening, he easily ran back to his running stage. The further down his path he gets from awakening, the further it is to run back, and the less pull “running” has upon him.
Like before, there is little one do can speed this up. An LBS trying to get answers or hurry things along will certainly delay/derail the MLCer. Consider it took about two years from trigger to BD. It takes similar from awakening to acceptance. And then a settling in period to final acceptance, where the MLCer truly closes the door to their crisis.
8 months since I last posted something on the forum. Time is flying by…
To everyone who still reads here sometimes, and who has been a huge support to me during what was surely one of the most difficult periods of my life, thank you!!!
8 months ago, however, I decided to take all your advice with me and do my own thing with it, and that was to start looking for the new me (or rather the me I want to be). Going to find out what I want, but more importantly, what I don't want anymore. It has become an incredible learning experience from which I have derived enormous satisfaction.
The brash, impulsive and intuitive person I was when I was younger is all the way back and I am a huge fan of it.
The button I flipped 8 months ago was because I finally started to realise that I was still very much dependent of my ex. MLC'er and his deep struggles. After the events of our last reconnection and the pain he’d caused again to our kids and me, was the exact reason why I flipped it, crazy but this happened overnight. I completely closed the door on him that time.
I learnt an awful lot in those last eight months on my journey of discovery. I contacted old friends, did speed dates, signed up on a dating app, met all kinds of new people, took a course and got a degree, threw myself into my new position at work,...In short, gained a lot of new experiences. And I simply learned to be happy on my own, without a partner, together with my kids, family and have built up a very nice circle of friends.
But you can't stop love when it comes your way...
During my education, which actually lasted 1.5 years, I met a fantastic man, we clicked when we met for the first time, but we both held off for almost 2 years, we didn't even know about each other's feelings, probably because we were both still in a difficult and uncertain situation. With me, this has now been completely finalised, with him the situation is still somewhat complex, but it has also cleared up over the past few months.
However, after gaining our degree, we met occasionally for a drink since we got along so well, and finally we both have been open about our love for each other, this about two months ago now. And something incredibly beautiful is growing between us. Never thought I would experience this feeling again. A blissful time.
As for ex. MLC'er, he is still completely lost. The kids see him about once a month, this only for a few hours, not because they want to, but because it's their father and don't want to cut off contact completely. I myself have sporadic contact, this mainly for the children, but very minimal. Sometimes he suddenly still sends emotional messages, but then I hold off. A boundary has been reached and he won't get over that anymore. I don’t feel hate towards him, in the contrary, I feel like it has been a journey which made me a better, happier person. I sincerely wish him all the best and hope one day he will come out of the hell he’s in. But I never ever want to reconnect anymore. My deep love for him has faded away. To much happened which can't be forgotten anymore. But yes, I forgave him completely.
Hope to come back here soon and give you more insight about my “second life”.
I am still catching up on all that has happened with my friends on here. But I do think that what Gerda suggested above is worth contemplating. I remember reading some of the recon stories (May22, Wayfarer) and they are hard but possible. It sounds like coming back together can be just as confusing as the MLC was. Just keep your open mind and heart and watch for the green signs while still protecting your heart. If he's serious, he will be patient and continue to move towards you. You've learned a lot. Hopefully, he has too. You will be okay either way. Hugs to you!
It takes a lot of time and patience to work towards reconciliation once again. I think that this part of the journey is the most difficult because we want them to "hurry up and get it together". It doesn't happen that way. He still has a lot of "stuff" to process. Give him plenty of space and time.
One thing to remember, he will be still testing you to see how you react to him and his behavior. Continue as you have been, i.e., as a friend. No pressure and there is a good possibility that he may keep some of the personality quirks that he had during the crisis. This particular stage could take up to 12/18 months for him to finally settle down in his new skin.
I created a thread many years ago when someone else was going through this stage. It is called TMAK - Explanation of Reconnection. Here is the link. It will help you better understand where he is at the moment.
Dig deeper for patience and just breathe! Treat him as a friend, listen to what he has to say, but do not point fingers if he slips back two steps. Above all else, whatever changes you have made, they must stay in place for this is a new relationship now.
Just wanted to wish all of you a nice, and for some of them going through hell right now, a peaceful and quiet weekend.
I've planned a lot of great things, going out for dinner with a nice male friend this evening, tomorrow working in the studio of S19 together with FIL and then some shopping to buy his first big groceries to start with. In the evening a movie evening with S16 1 and on Sunday a visit to Mum&Dad and a friend coming over to have a drink.
