Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - Still a glutton

Of course, yet again debated starting a thread, but I wanted to address those who took the time out to give feedback.

1st, physical appearance is NOT my kryptonite. A bonus, sure, but good looks has never been what has caused me to overlook things. My kryptonite is someone who actually does spend time with me. If you make time for me, I tend to give more of a chance.

Yes, he kind of stinks at communication. I am currently deciding if this works for me. It’s early on, I’m learning him and vice versa. I could kick him to the curb right this moment for sure. But why? No need. Still getting to know each other.

Yes, he texted me this morning saying “I guess you are taking this the ball is in my court for communication seriously?” I told him on Friday I would no longer initiate texting. I told him I absolutely am taking it seriously. He wanted to have lunch together today. He thought I was off, which I am not, I literally had one holiday off this year, lol. I’m a nurse . Anyways he said “I know you may not believe this, but I miss you” we are keeping our date we had made for Wednesday.

He is into me. I do know this. And he’s not an avoidant either. But I do think he has some level of ADD. Not an alcoholic, no other women as far as I know.

Time will tell. That’s all I know. I don’t need to tell him to take a walk yet. So, let’s see what happens Wednesday night



Previous thread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2941538

My big news:

I finally hit the bullet and asked my ex to revisit child support. He wasn’t too shocked , but he did cry poverty. He’s really sucked dry every month paying for that stupid hotel timeshare they bought. Which has brought them to Italy, San Diego, Hawaii, and myrtle beach every year. 🙄 feel so bad. And she came into the marriage with student loan debt she is still laying off. Boooooohooooooo

But I was nice. I told him we can either work something out between us, or we can formally go through the courts. He said he is going to think on it.

I really only want money for the what my D needs. I explained that we don’t shop at children’s place anymore. Sneakers cost $100 she has a little
But if a social life. I told him she never asks you for this stuff and only me, and I want to be able to stop saying “ask your father” I say no to her often. But there are basic needs that I always fulfill that are just so expensive now.

I’m proud I finally did it. Trust me, I hate asking. I feel inadequate. I work a career and some extra, but being the only contributor to the house hold kills me. 2 of my incomes? That would be a whole different story .

So I can see both sides of this depending on the type of person you are. If you are someone like Don or myself you can see where it goes and no harm no foul. Someone like BF doesn’t want to waster her time with someone who disrespects her time or needs. Neither is right or wrong because we all know people are different.

It would be nice G to see you walk the walk one time. You want connection, you want someone exited to see you, you need deep conversations etc.. which is all great by the way. Just once with a guy you really like (not some boob) I would like you to say “this isn’t working for me”. I promise you if he’s really into you he will get his $hit together.

To do this you have to believe you are with it.

Not in the topic of weather or dating or sports……

D was with her father this weekend. I did have plans for Saturday night, which were cancelled for obvious reasons. D came home from school on Friday and said her stomach has been hurting since that morning. Not a GI issue she says. She had a babysitting job soon and it was too late to cancel and she said she would go. I dropped her off and her dad picked her up. I checked in like every half hour . She was in pain, but she said she was fine.

I asked again yesterday morning and she said it’s still there. No GI issue, able to eat, but position changes and heating pads were the only relief.

Now, yes it was hers dads weekend, but he was going to Long Island at 3 pm and staying to watch the game. Of course I have this strong feeling his mistress was there as well, but whatever. D was home with her grandmother and stepmother.

She texts me at 4:30 and says the pain is still really bad. At this point I tell her I am coming to get her and brining her to the ER. She’s fine thank god, but the 2 concerns for were for ovarian cyst or appendicitis.which I knew and that’s why I brought her. After 6 hours and US and a a CT scan it is an ovarian cyst. Thank god it wasn’t appendicitis.

She says to me in the car on the way home “ is it sad that dad didn’t come?” I explained that he was drinking so it wouldn’t be a good idea to drive and I’m sure if I told him he needed to come he would. I hate that she has to think that way.

I hate that she questions if he could rely on him. She knows no matter where I was I would be there. Never a question in that. It is sad that she craves more time with him and when it is his time, he makes other plans. It’s not a big deal when I do it , because she sees me all the time . But I think when he does it , it makes her sad.

Good news is she’s not in as much pain as yesterday, the IV toradol helped and she left to see her cousins cheer competition which were her plans today she didn’t want to miss. Her dad didn’t “want to go” so she went with her grandma.

I’m so happy her grandmother got well and moved back to NJ. They have a really special bond. D actually did her makeup and hair yesterday and made her look 20 years younger. She looked fantastic! She does look good for her age. She loves spending time with her and I’m happy she got to have that.

Anyways, how about them giants? We watched from the hospital room. Yikes, that was awful

It was the best day ever! Started with breakfast and mimosas . Went to the spa with hot tubs, sauna and massages. Then for margs and dinner. I went with friend to her dR appt( it’s our doctor friend) she was the last spot, so the 3 of us went for margs and dinner after.

I really needed today. I felt genuinely happy. We have decided we are going to do the spa day every 3 months.

Should cause you to rethink your exercise program to something lower impact though.

to me it's not running away. to me a red flag is just that, a signal to stop, pay attention and act accordingly. i'm not wasting time on red flags.

Glad to hear little G is doing well. Sad about her dad and how he puts her down the priority list. My ex did that with his D23 one too many times when she was a teen and is paying the price as she no longer wants him in her life. Thankfully he wasn’t doing that to our twins at a time when they would have been aware enough to understand that he was choosing to be away from them. It breaks my heart that D23 was old enough as despite her “I don’t care” attitude, I know that isn’t really the case. It’s just her way of convincing herself that it doesn’t hurt. I know it did and I know it still does. Anyway…I hope your ex has some kind of epiphany about what an ass he is being and takes steps to change things. I have certainly seen this in XH with our kids and am grateful they feel solid in their relationship with him.

Just curious… do you know for sure that your XH is cheating on his wife? Do you think she already knows and is just choosing to maintain the status quo? Or do you think she doesn’t know?

She’s doing much better , thanks for asking. Dave and busters with her friend tonight instead of the ER!

BL, you are welcome to join me, since I’ll be sitting at the bar alone .

does your state have an online formula?

here it includes who's carrying insurance, and real time spent with each parent.

i'm proud of you for addressing this with him. don't let this slide. and don't take his word for it. do a consult with a lawyer to know what you're really entitled to. there will be additional expenses, like driver's ed, which was $1k back 5 or 6 years ago, prom, etc.

I can’t disagree with any of this. I might add your Kryptonite is also someone you pays you attention. But I also agree there is no reason to stop now. I just wish you could be not so focused on it all. Really, truly honestly be like, “started dating someone, way too early to tell, I see some red flags but who knows. I’ll know in a month or two.” That’s where I’d be. Heck that’s where I’ve been several times in the second half of last year. But that’s just not you.

I see many write “it’s a marathon not a sprint”. Problem is you want to run the sprints. It’s no sin but it tends to complicate things. It’s okay not to know where things are headed, especially in the first few months.

YES!!! Well done. So glad to hear it. Reading this literally put a smile on my face.

Yeah...life's tough. Poor guy.

His AFFAIR PARTNER had student loan debt. Too bad so sad. I'm sure you know this, but it has ZERO legal impact on his child support obligations.

I strongly advise you to A) run the numbers yourself an online calculator (inputs: your income, his income, your custody arrangement) and B) consult a L...or two! It's so important to have a firm understanding of what he should paying in support so that when he almost assuredly comes back to you with a low ball offer you can counter with something realistic. And trust me, a court magistrate or judge is NOT going to be sympathetic to him. You almost certainly have leverage.

You should be proud of yourself! I could tell something was holding you back...way to take a stand.

Remember, this is not for you...it's for your daughter. You just did her a favor.

Right...like the deal you signed up for...which he bailed on.

Well done Ginger! Way to stand up for yourself and your daughter!

I am very proud of you. The ball is in his court and if he doesn't respond back to you within a reasonable time, then I would move forward and take this issue to court.

I do not feel sorry for him. Even though he is paying for a timeshare, he is still able to fly off to these places and do all of those fun things and they do cost money. As for his current wife's student loans, that is on her and she brought that into the marriage. I'm sure he was well aware of that.

This is all about your daughter and her needs. Time for him to cough up additional funds. She is no longer 2 and you can buy her off going to Walmart for her necessities. She's older and requires more expensive clothes, etc.

I do not feel sorry for him one bit and to toss out that comment about you having to disclose your salary. Next time he says that, tell the man that you have no problem sharing your information with the magistrate.

Good for you! Don't let this slide...time for him to grow up and face his parental responsibilities.

Hello Ginger

I agree with you. NJ’s calculator is pretty straightforward. Just like my locale.

I know you are hard working and busting it with two jobs. However, the wage differential and custody percentage is all the formula looks at. The legal system is frighteningly efficient and emotional-less when it come to divorce proceedings and support payments. Given your hard work ethic, you could have owed him, if he were a deadbeat.

And, I totally get the feeling of unfairness in all this.

So, do you believe his reported income? You certainly don’t need to take his word for it. However, you and he do have a pretty amicable relationship (more or less). Do you believe he’d purposefully mislead you about his income?

The $42K wage disparity is the biggest factor here. Even if you had 100% sole custody the child support calculation $170/week. And if H’s income were equal to your’s, CS would only amount to $150/week. You and I both know how little that is.

Just some questioning / reasoning to work through before you blow the lid off things. Risk vs reward.

A positive in all of this, you and XH are talking about child support. Personally, I’d probably not worry about the calculated $12/week increase. Even though he and you are willingly to find agreement outside of a courtroom. What I would discuss is future expenses. Unvisersity, driving, prom, etc. This whole conversation opens up where he stands on sharing those upcoming costs.



Money. Yes, it’s important. And XH is meeting the legal requirements. Such as they are.

However, little G is more important.

Consider her and you. Your relationship. As you say, you were screwed financially. And only financially. Realize that. What you have, is worth more than money, and cannot be bought.

Feeling defeated. Yep. And that will flit. A temporary state.

Deep down, you have a wellspring of uplifting joy and pride and fulfilment with such a daughter in your life. And, truth be told, the hardships you’ve had to live through, make that even more golden.

Little G will never ever forget all you’ve sacrificed and provided for her. She currently doesn’t express nor understand the depth of all that. In time she will.

D