Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - Marching in limbo with MLC H (2)

First thread: Marching in limbo with MLC H

A new thread, and what a way to start.

It is Christmas. H gave me a long report of his meeting with the lawyer and asked me how I'd like to move forward. All very polite and in one of the texts he says he will cover my legal fees.

M: Thanks for the Christmas gift. I will open it later.

H: Oh yeah take your time. I forgot it was Christmas.

[For context: Country B is many time zones ahead of where I am, so it is already Monday the 26th for him. However, it is still Christmas in Country A, where I am, and I think he knows I am here.]

Another funny thing is that H's description of the D process in Country B is completely different from what I was told when I consulted a lawyer. H is actually making this way more complicated than it needs to be.

I'm trying to take it as a joke. I just have to laugh at it.

Last night a realization hit me: the relationship I have with myself is the most important one in my life. And this relationship is improving everyday. I really like myself.

I'm feeling really good today. And looking forward to a full slate of GAL activities for the coming weekend. A concert and three parties. My social calendar is so full that I'm having to ask friends if we can move stuff to next week.

I looked like [censored]. Death by 1000 cuts. Had to heal myself.

Take care marching this is very difficult.

Time and time again this rings true.

Sudden bomb day, weird behaviour, sudden swings toward/away from you, opportunity with lots of time apart in different locations - it screams affair every single time.

Hang in there Marching. Keep moving forward.

I move to Big City tomorrow.

I've got a lot on my plate.

The pessimistic view: Work deadlines (very behind), lawyer stuff, divorce stress-related doctor's appointments (not to mention the f*ing STD test). Oh, and I need to keep looking for an apartment.

Now let me turn that around.

Work deadlines: I am a highly intelligent and competent person. I got this. But also, I am going through one of the worst things anyone can experience. So, I can be gentle on myself, too. Just get them done, no need to put undue pressure on myself.

Lawyer stuff: I am taking my power back.

Doctor's appointments: I am taking care of myself.

Apartment: I will find a new home and really make it mine. I am going to host the best dinner parties.

It will all work out.

---

Lots of GALing planned: book club, various fitness activities, movies, concerts, dinners. My friends keep telling how much they look forward to having me back. I'm a popular girl. People like me. I have really solid friendships. I am proud of my ability to connect with people. I am fabulous.

I hear you. My STD test, well the need to get a test, was one of the few times I was angry with W.



Love how you turned around all the things going on right now. Same pile, different view. Makes a world of difference.

Best wishes with tomorrow’s move.

Good to make it clear.

Hello m

BL is correct. Shop around and find an IC that fits you. Also, it takes time to heal and find one’s center again; not to worry goals will reappear. When one is calm and still, answers will present themselves.


Good for you.

D

Marching ,

That hurts and it’s not fair.

R

do your due diligence
sit still and wait for the answers

don't act in spite, anger, or hurt. it will come back to bite you in the @$$ every time

sit still and continue to wait for the answers

act from a place of centered calm and confidence

Thank you, bttrfly. I needed that reminder.

When I'm spinning, I get a sense of what it might be like in the brain of a WAS—the overwhelming desire to do something NOW to stop the emotional turmoil. But that never results in good decision-making.

BD caused me to look myself in the mirror and I didn't like the boring, negative person I had become. When you ignore yourself for so long, you don't realize the slow changes that take place. The journey back to finding myself is exciting so far, but makes me wish I had done it sooner. Not necessarily for my M, but for own happiness. Keep crushing the GAL and best of luck!

I like LH's response. Here are other options:

"I am not sure"
"I do not know"

I have not read "never split the difference" but I bet it has some nuggets of gold in there.

If you want to respond assertively say “ I’m not going to help you with the divorce proceedings.

Wow Marching, you sounded very strong and in control of your emotions during that interaction.

Now, you just need to back it up with consistency. Do this for weeks, months and possibly years before he starts to notice.

Always be a bit unavailable, always have somewhere else to be, always seem happy to be moving on with your life.

Someone who is glad to be moving on, happy in their own skin and not available at his every beck and call … is much more likely to be attractive.

Keep up the good work!

Hello m

There are plenty of people, even including ICs, that subscribe to a more dump ‘em and move on outlook. Your IC’s suggestion of digging for more details even when not legally useful is troublesome, IMHO. Pressuring H is likely to rile him up and make potential divorce negotiations worse. Her instance, and shifting of gears when it became non-useful legally, displays her bias towards non divorce busting methodology.


I do not believe you are stuck in denial. Sheesh, does this IC even listen to you.

I’d drop her.

Don’t let anyone extinguish your hope!

Those who have lost their hope, work to get others to their way of thinking. Like somehow having more “hope-less” disciples who believe the dump ‘em philosophy strengthens their position. That’s a terrible foundation to grow upon or seek forgiveness from. And it certainly limits any divorcing busting/reconciliation likelihood.

Hope is timeless. Hope is possibilities. Hope is an incredible wellspring of strength and fortitude. Of course, hope is a core value of mine. A motivation. A belief in the possible.

D

Had Dr's appt, was prescribed ADs. Have a couple more follow-up appointments for various reasons. This is a 180 for me, actually following through on medical stuff. This unwelcome experience is REALLY teaching me the importance of taking care of my health. I did exercise and eat well before but found going to the doctor such a hassle.

H followed up on my "carrot." At first he was gung-ho about moving forward, then I explained I don't want to move forward until I get through some work stuff (it's an especially busy time of the year) and FIND A PLACE TO LIVE and he backed off and apologized, told me to take my time. I said it might take a couple months, he said it's ok. He heard about the extreme weather in Big City, asked if it affected me. He was a little chatty so I followed his lead a bit. He's traveling (I noted that he was online at an unusual hour), I said I hope he's having a good trip, but didn't ask any questions. He said he's doing some things for work. Privately I wondered if he's traveling with OW, a gross and unhelpful thought, and pushed it away. I turned the chit chat back to business, asked for the info for his lawyer. I made a joke about the website; H followed up with another one. I talked about figuring out the additional step my L brought up that his had overlooked, he said it was a good idea. Then I said I had to go.

It felt good to be the one to end the conversation first. Last time I wasn't.

Well done m.

And yes, ending the conversation on your time does feel pretty darn good.

Yes this is hard isn’t it. I’ve been having good cries too. Well done.