One of the hardest things for us to wrap our heads around, esp in long term marriages like yours, is the fact that your w is absolutely not on your team.
let's be clear, there's team FM, team WAW, and team kids. I put them on a separate team for a reason, FM. You need to think of yourself first because you can't be there for anyone else, especially your kids, if you don't put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Second, you need to start thinking of yourself as the coach and manager of Team Kids cuz dollars to donuts your W isn't thinking beyond Team WAW. Third, she is an opposing team, period. She will think of herself, her wants and needs and literally burn it down when she doesn't get what she wants.
Be prepared for whiplash, meaning one day she's insulting you to your children, then next buying you keto bars and asking for a hug. Imagine how scrambled the inside of her brain is, because this is a mere glimpse into what's going on in there. You can - and should - feel compassion for her in her current state, but you must never forget she is not on your team. Fierce compassion means not putting up with any crap while at the same time understanding that she's a very sick person right now.
She's clearly setting you up. While it may feel disloyal to seek legal counsel to know your rights, what you are actually doing is taking care of yourself and your kids.
I can see all my parts in the crumbling of our marriage.
This is a good thing. Just make sure you don't take all the blame. it is 50/50. You work on your 50%. Your W may or may not fix her 50%, but that is her issue. Do not try to fix her. You fix you.
Is this a boundary you can actually set and maintain?
Don't give an ultimatum unless you can back it up 1000%
What's the goal? To save your marriage? To protect your children and your assets? Are these goals mutually exclusive right now, given the reality of the situation?
One thing you don't acknowledge that I think you need to pay attention to is this: your marriage, as you knew it, is over.
Let that sink in.
If it was working, you wouldn't be here right now, so ... that's not a bad thing, for a dysfunctional situation to be over.
Look around for what's really left and build from there. Focus on yourself, your kids, your GAL. The fastest way to have a new relationship with your wife is to let her go. Read that again. You need to build a NEW relationship with your wife.
Is she someone right now with whom you'd want to build a new relationship?
I realize this is harsh and I'm sorry, but it's the truth. Don't try to win her back. You won't. Not in the way you want. Do you want someone who says I love you and sends hundreds of texts to some random dude she just met who is paying her attention and letting her not focus on her own recovery? What does a person who is doing that have to offer you or your children?
This is a very broken woman who needs to find her own way right now. And the truth is, you need to find yours as well. You're ripping through the steps at a ferocious pace, but I wonder, are you really digging deep, especially the steps you're working on ... Do you honestly feel that you gave enough time to the real core of steps 6 & 7? It's more than a surface writing and working with a sponsor; it's a new way of life. It's not a race, like if you get through all 12 at breakneck speed your marriage will suddenly be intact and great again. Really look at your motives and your expectations. Expectations have a nasty way of coming back to bite us in the @$$.
Focus on what you want, and who you want to be. Be the most amazing person you can be, someone only a fool would leave. Focus on how to protect that little 6 year old who's witnessed his mother ranting and raving like a crazy person and burning things in her rage.
Your best shot to save your marriage is to surrender and hopefully down the road build something stronger together, after she's had a chance to work on herself and you've had a chance to do the same.
Priority one should be talking to a lawyer to find out what your rights are, how you can protect your children and yourself.
Don't issue any ultimatums until you know where you stand legally.
In fact, don't issue ultimatums at all. That will blow up in your face just as badly as the cutting off of the credit cards did.
There is a difference between ultimatums and boundaries. Find that difference.
I did contact some Ls today, have a consultation to cover rights next Monday.
Good. That's one of the most important things you can do. Know your rights...knowledge is power.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I hate doing this feels sneaky
You need to stop thinking like that. She is no longer on your team. Do not worry about what's "sneaky". You need to protect yourself and your children from her. Seriously.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
but cannot ignore the fact she said she was getting one and the emotional abuse comment. She also stated everything’s documented and everyone knows.
Your W is a bad actor right now. You can NOT trust her at all. Do not assume she won't play dirty, and prepare and protect yourself. On a scale of WAS/WSs we see here on the board your W is a lot closer to the crazy end than the reasonable one.
Team W is currently the opposition. That doesn’t mean that it will always be that way. It also doesn’t mean you have to oppose her or fight her. Realize, you do not have to show up to every battle you are invited to.
^^^^^This. tattoo that on the inside of your eyelids
My X was cashing out retirement funds without my knowledge before D paperwork was filed. As someone said they are currently not on your team. Use the legal system to protect your assets and your relationship with your children.
She said I don’t know maybe 6 months I need to start working. I said I’m not doing this for 6 month
Best thing if D does go down is for her to be working. Again talk to L. Stop talking to W.
It is perfectly OK to say things like this: "You look frustrated" "You sound angry" "That must be hard for you" "I understand you feel that way" "I am not sure" "I need to think about that" "I will let you know when I have decided" "Send me an email and I will review it"
Even if you manage to shock her into something short term, it will only be temporary.
OM to a wayward is just like alcohol to an alcoholic, or drugs to an addict. She might go a few days, maybe a week, and then she will crack.
If she doesn’t realise what she has lost and WANT to be with you (without being forced), it’s not going to work.
DB is about concentrating on you, getting counselling, being busy and getting a life, learning about yourself, and becoming a better person … and if they wake up and realise what they’ve lost, then maybe… just MAYBE, you might be able to reconcile in a few years.
If you can’t be around her any more, then tell her you don’t want to be with her any more, and separate.
DB is NOT about ultimatums, arm twisting, threats and blackmail.
is there such a thing as a moment of grace, which can lead to a spiritual awakening and growth?
can someone overcome horrendous obstacles and lead a life of honesty, integrity, loyalty and honor?
I believe the answer to all three questions is a resounding YES, but before anything can happen the person in question has to truly hit a bottom - sometimes losing everything, including spouse and family - before change actually happens.
Don't stop her from hitting her bottom.
Don't create a crisis, but don't interfere with her process.
Protect yourself and your children.
Lose the idea that this is currently a viable marriage.
What you had is over.
What's to come is unwritten at this time.
What you have is the present. Treat it as the gift it is. Dig deep, document, and work to make FM the best father, friend, son, brother and person you can be. The rest will follow as it's supposed to.
Last night was a bit harder for me than I thought it would be.
This stuff isn't easy. Stay strong.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
She did not reach out to me at all, except to talk to S6, which I need to remove all expectations.
Expectations and desire are the root of suffering.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
In a moment of weakness pulled up her text records on phone bill. Sure enough she has been texting back and forth with the OM.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I did great on my NC today, and did not pull any records throughout the day, until right before bed. She texted him all day long again, hundreds of messages.
My ExW and OM1 figured out iMessaging didn't show up on phone bills as texts, like their hours of phone conversations did...but I had other ways they didn't know about.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I am determined to not do this or check on her in anyway going forward. It messes with my serenity and does nothing for my situation.
I think that's true. However, in your case with the potentially bad stuff W and OM are mixed up in you should consult with L and document to the hilt in case custody becomes an issue. Not as much about an affair, which tends not to matter in a D these days, but the potential drug abuse bad dangerous behavoir...etc.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I will be working on integrated man exercises, Al Anon 8th step and work today for my GAL.
Good!
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I also found out that her OM is a recovering H addict with only 9 months of sobriety.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
re: the OM with 9 months. Yeah, that's a recipe for happily ever after, NOT.
Yikes. That's surely destined to end well. You better protect yourself and your children. Document everything you can.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Is she someone right now with whom you'd want to build a new relationship?
Great question.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
You're ripping through the steps at a ferocious pace, but I wonder, are you really digging deep, especially the steps you're working on ... Do you honestly feel that you gave enough time to the real core of steps 6 & 7? It's more than a surface writing and working with a sponsor; it's a new way of life. It's not a race, like if you get through all 12 at breakneck speed your marriage will suddenly be intact and great again. Really look at your motives and your expectations.
Another great question. The goal isn't to say you're done with the steps; the goal is the self-improvement the steps bring. Are you truly meeting the intention of the steps?
FwdMvmnt - Your W is a bad actor. Multiple affairs, alcohol and potentially drug addictions, OM is a newly recovered H addict...etc. I'm all for saving marriages when possible - that's why I came here - but your situation has some MAJOR issues many others here don't face. You need to dig down and really consider what your goal is here, in the best interest of not only yourself but your children. I don't want to bring you down on Christmas. I say this out of love. Protect yourself and your kids. that's what matters now.
