Hi All, I dove into Sandi2s thread on the LBH and wayward wife. I implemented some boundaries finally with my wife and one of these is me taking back our bedroom. She seemed almost happy and willing to do this. I am curious if excitement is a normal or often seen reaction? Any feedback or others experiences would be helpful and welcome!
She's in a relapse, plain and simple. Saturday night AA meetings are date night meetings ... you know the routine - go to a meeting, hang out after for coffee, sometimes hookups happen.
If she's not yet using substances, there's a better than good chance that she's on her way.
I'm glad you're in Alanon and working the steps - I assume with a sponsor. Keep working your program for both AA and Alanon. Plan your day around a meeting, or something recovery-centered.
You know what is said in the halls: who are we to deny an addict their bottom? She has to hit a bottom plain and simple for any change to occur and only HP knows what that looks like.
You have children who need you. I understand completely your statement about the Catholic significance of marriage. It's a sacrament for a reason. You want your family and marriage intact, but better than it is now. I'm not saying you're looking for an out, divorce or annulment, but as a Catholic I found this particular bit of information enlightening. Perhaps you will as well: "Any Catholic granted an annulment can be remarried in the church—and any Catholic who does not receive one cannot. Diocesan tribunals, therefore, focus not on the health or longevity of a marriage itself, but on the circumstances surrounding the beginning of a marriage: Was it a “shotgun wedding” because of an unexpected pregnancy? Was the marriage coerced by physical or verbal violence? Did one partner hide an ongoing addiction from the spouse? Did both parties actually understand what was meant by the sacrament itself—the promise to remain sexually faithful, not to abandon one’s spouse, to be open to children without strings attached? Any and all can be evidence of “the absence or defect of consent,” in church parlance. "
That's a lot to take in. But I want you to really try to keep an open mind when you read that over again. Your old marriage is dead. You're going for one that's new, better, and stronger. One that can pass the acid test laid out above.
The question is how do you get there from here.
LET HER HIT HER BOTTOM. No one on earth knows what that is or what it looks like, but if she never hits it, she'll never get well.
Take the time to figure out what your core values are. You're on step 6 ... so you're well aware of what you've done and your patterns of behavior have emerged in Steps 4 & 5. Step 7 is about willingness and trust in the relationship you started in steps 2 & 3 with your HP. Figure out the 3-5 core values that are yours. What's most important to you? Values like loyalty, honesty, compassion, service ... what values do you embody or want to embody in your life moving forward? This is a crucial and fundamental step, imho, to moving forward with authenticity. Once you know what your core values are, it's much easier to know where to draw the boundary line and hold firm, because you know with certainty what does and doesn't jibe with your core values.
Once you know what they are, do not be afraid to stand up for your core values or your children's well-being. I well understand the fear of living with someone in crisis. You're afraid to do anything to upset the apple-cart but that in and of itself causes more problems. Don't cushion her fall.
Find out your options legally. Find out your financial obligations, rights and responsibilities in case you need to act at some point. Knowledge helps you sleep better at night and keeps you out of the land of what if.
Most of all, don't confuse being a jerk with standing up for yourself. You can set a strong limit and still do so with dignity and respect for both yourself and the years you spent together. She will always be the mother of your children. Behave in a way that your children will be proud of 10, 15, 20, 30 years from now.
I appreciate your response. I am currently in AL-Anon and working steps. I just finished step 6. I am in a totally different mindset now and know I am going to be ok no matter how this turns out. I do want my marriage and family in tact, and willing to fight all the way through. I just want to make sure I am working the process correctly while going through it.
We do not have an MC, I set one up for the 19th of this month but was going to cancel. She didn’t want to go, and I told her we at least need mediation.
Oh my goodness. Things sure can flip direction really quick.
I’d not talk to W’s mother. Blood is thicker than water, and in the end she will likely defend and support her daughter.
Talk to your Mom and Dad. Call them. Not text. A call. Person to person.
I’m not sure how much they know what is, and has been going on, so be prepared to explain stuff. You don’t need to go into all the dirty details, however they are getting dragged into this from W, so best to ensure they have a more clear picture. They are probably rather worried, I’d suspect.
If W or things are really getting out of hand, call the authorities.
When things cool off, correct the credit card mess.
Don’t get excited mate. Things aren’t better now because she’s temporarily calmed down.
You seem like most NGS guys who arrive here. You see calm and less adversarial as better, and you see her livid, angry and foaming at the mouth as bad.
You need to flip 180 on this. Learn to embrace it.
Sure, maybe locking the CCs wasn’t the smartest idea. But you know what, let her flip the table, let her start manipulating your family with messages. She can get as angry as she likes. Don’t be afraid of it. She gets angry and throws her toys out of the pram because she knows she usually gets her way when she does that. She sounds like a child wrapped in an adult body.
Would you give you dog a treat if it pissed on the carpet? Same thing here. Ignore and be completely unswayed by bullsh*t behaviour. Only respond and engage with reasonable behaviour. You just stay cool and calm and happy 24/7 😎
It is my firm belief in your case that: a) it is very unlikely this marriage will be saved. She’s an out of control addict with anger issues who is verbalising she wants sex with other men. The chances she hasn’t done that already are slim to none b) you REALLY need to sit down with a counsellor for a few hours and ponder the following question - Why do I want to be with this woman?
My gut feeling is that your sense of religious obligation and even moreso your fear of the unknown is keeping you from admitting that this person is a very toxic, very selfish and very dangerous person to be around for the next 50+ years.
A few last bits: 1. Call your parents and explain. Ask them not to respond to her. 2. Install wifi cameras in your house to protect your possessions. With an imminent divorce she will steal things to pay for drugs/sex/alcohol 3. Do not interact with her or even be in the same place with her without your phone recording audio. It’s very clear she’s going to make fake DV claims 4. Protect your children at all costs. Consider taking 6 year old and leaving.
I get your religious obligations around marriage. I really do - that used to be me. But my WW was going to church on the weekend, and banging other guys during the week. Looking back, my sense of religious obligation is one of my huge regrets. It just made a bad situation worse because I hung in there through atrocious behaviour.
If you left this marriage now, when your time comes, I’m pretty sure your God would look at your decision to protect yourself and your six year old from a toxic, manipulative addict and wouldn’t begrudge you for leaving.
