Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - Marching in limbo with MLC H

Hello. I’ve been lurking for a couple of months. I found this place a few weeks after bomb drop. After a lot of reading about MLC here and elsewhere, I think it fits with what my husband is going through. That and the fact that, just a day before BD, he himself said that he was going through MLC.

I’m in my early 30s, H is in his late 30s. We’ve been together for over 10 years, married for 7. No kids. For the past few years, we have been long distance for work reasons, with me in Country A and H in Country B. My husband and I have very demanding careers, and our careers heavily affect our relationship. Our work involves a lot of uncertainty and international moves, especially in the early stages. I will follow up with more background in another post.

Summer 2022
We reunite after almost a year of long distance (partly COVID-induced). We have a great time (he actually said so too during BD) traveling and visiting his family (not in either Country A or B). We are both excited about the future. We talk about the new apartment he got us for the next chapter of our life together—I am moving to Country B in the fall! I’ve already shipped my stuff there.

Fall 2022
After our trip, H goes back work, and I return to Country A to wrap up some work stuff, visit my family, and apply for a visa for Country B. Just a few more weeks of long distance left before our new chapter begins. H overnights documents to me for my visa application; he wants me to be able to travel as soon as possible. He sounds extremely excited about me finally joining him. In fact, for a couple weeks, he seems in an unusually good mood, even talking in a sing-song voice. We tell each other ILY everyday (which is normal for us). We talk about having kids soon.

Then, literally overnight, his mood crashes. Complete 180. The tone of his voice is completely different. He says he doesn’t feel like he has a purpose. He feels unmotivated at work.

Over the course of the following days, he basically has a meltdown. It’s too late for him to have children, he says. He no longer has tender feelings for me. He says we haven’t really talked over the past year. He resents me. He has issues with our sex life. He hasn’t been productive for a month and it’s my fault. He thinks he wants to be alone and be responsible only for himself. We talk. No, he says, actually, he’s just blaming me. He’s sorry he said all those things. He loves me. He thinks he’s going through a midlife crisis. Maybe he’s feeling bad because his birthday is coming up soon. I try to validate (definitely could have done better though). I thank him for sharing his feelings and ask what we can do to communicate better and address our intimacy problems. He says he doesn’t want to talk about it. I say, maybe it will be easier once we are together. It’s just two more weeks before my move.

The next day, he asks me for a divorce. Over TEXT. He says he’s made up his mind, and it will seem sudden. He’s telling me over text so he can remain calm. He’s available over the phone to discuss practicalities. That’s it.

When I call him, he sounds so ANGRY. He’s adamant that there is nothing I can say to change his mind. I say I would like to have conversation in person, when I arrive in Country B. He says fine, but when I come, I cannot stay with him in the apartment. I am heartbroken. To me, this is tantamount to him kicking me out of my own home.

So I have to make last-minute plans for accommodations, which is expensive. At this point, travelers still have to quarantine, and rooms in quarantine hotels are scarce. H doesn’t offer any help. Even when I tell him that hotels are tight, and can I please stay with him if I can’t find anything, he only says “I’ll look into it.” Which is ridiculous because the plan just a few days ago was for him to stay with a friend while I quarantine in the apartment.

I make it to Country B. I quarantine in my expensive hotel. I move to an expensive AirBnB. H and I have very limited contact. Immediately after bomb drop, I sent one pursuing text message. Since then, I have been pretty much radio silent.

We meet in person once at a coffeeshop to have a conversation and H says the nuttiest things. He says he’s happy. He’s happy with his job now. He used to have a lot of anxiety (I suspect OCD) around driving, now he has no problem. He’s also a more mature person, because he now buys his own clothes and cleans the apartment (as if he wasn’t already doing these things???). He can also have an apple for dinner and no one can judge him. He doesn’t have to ask for permission to go to the bar with friends.

Our previous BD follow-up phone conversation (while I was in Country A) was very short (literally 10 minutes), so during this in-person meeting, I ask him to explain how he came to his decision. I don’t think I embodied all the ideals of DB during this conversation, but I am proud of myself for having remained calm. H, meanwhile, started to cry. He left the conversation and said we could continue it later, when we’re not in a public place.

The next week, I ask (over text) if we can meet again to continue the conversation. He says no, because our meeting made him feel bad for several days. He says maybe we can talk in 6 months or a year. He reiterates that he needs to be alone to be happy. It’s very difficult not having me in his life, but the marriage has become a burden. It will take time, but things will get better (I couldn’t tell if he was trying to comfort me or himself.)

Since then, we’ve only been in contact for business matters. He delivered stuff to me from the apartment twice. I still haven’t been to “his” apartment.

Now
After being in Country B for two months, I returned to Country A for a business trip. My family is here, so I decided to stay at least through the holidays. I am not sure what I will do after that.

Two weeks ago, while I was on my business trip, H asked if we could start the divorce paperwork, and which country I wanted to do it in. I told him I need more time to think, because I haven’t even decided where I will move next. I was very annoyed that he asked me such a huge question when he KNEW that I was on a business trip.

I am really torn. I have a good support network here in Country A. Keeping a PMA and GALing would be easier if I stayed. But it feels like I would really be shutting the door on my marriage if I don’t go back to Country B.

Wrapping up
It’s been 3 months since BD. I am a lot calmer now than I was in those early days. I am not prepared to make any big decisions about moving or legal stuff. Right now, I’m just trying to catch up on work and take care of myself. GAL activities: exercise, talking to friends, reading the forums, reading novels. I’ve been working on myself in IC, too. I have not initiated any contact with H and blocked him on social media. I’ve also refrained from asking mutual friends in Country B about him. I’m in limbo. And I’m deciding to not make any decisions for the time being.

Thanks so much for all the support. It's such a relief to be able to share my frustrations with people who get it.

Absolutely. I'll vent here, I'll vent to my friends, I'll push hard during my workouts. Alien H is not allowed access into my inner life. Don't worry, I take my time whenever I communicate with him. I always let things sit and think things over (maybe too much) before sending him anything.

marching, I admittedly only skimmed your OP, I will go back and read it in depth at some point.

But here is my initial response:

You guys have been through a lot. Maybe it is an MLC, maybe it isn't. I know we LBS like to get to a diagnosis because then we can find a fix. At least that is our thinking. The problem is that there is no "fix". Especially if it is an MLC. MLCs can last decades. They can last the rest of a person's life.

But you found the forum and that is good, because now you can focus on yourself. The best advice I received in my own situation was to remove my focus form her and what she was saying and doing, and focus on me. And DBing gave me things to focus on: getting a life, going out and recapturing who I was and who I wanted to be. 180ing and self-improvements, becoming the best version of myself that I could be. Becoming a person only a fool would leave! And finally emotionally detaching, learning to detach my emotions and responses from her words and actions.

Those are difficult at first, but the beauty of them even when you aren't good at them, is it gives you something to focus on! Rather than focusing on him and what he is doing and whether it is a MLC or not, focus on those three DBing efforts.

All the other advice you've been getting is good too. And falls into one of those three broad categories. For instance, exercising is both GAL and self-improving.

Use this as an opportunity to move your life forward. He'll either come around and want to be part of that, or he won't.

SteveLW, thanks so much for checking my thread and for the encouraging words.

I totally get what you're saying about the LBS's tendency to want to label or diagnose their spouse to make sense of a crazy situation. Just last night, I indulged in even more armchair diagnosing of my H, ha! However, I'm aware that I'm not a mental health professional and there's debate as to whether MLC is even a helpful concept. Plus, we can never really know what's going on in another person's head. Whatever is going on with my H, it has brought his lizard brain to the fore, and I know that there's nothing I can do to fix him. And it might take years for him to sort things out, if he ever does...the best way forward is to simply live my life.

Marching - this is his divorce. Let him take the lead, however long that takes. Work on your own GAL in the meantime, but this is his gig - not yours.

I feel quite adamant about this.

I would not take the lead on the divorce. My advice would be to do as you say, nothing and sort out other aspects of your life. If it comes up again just firmly restate that you do not want the divorce, that you will not be helping with the divorce, but you will not stand in his way if that is what he wants.

WASs are notoriously lazy when it comes to D. I think there are a lot of reasons for that, but I certainly would not actively participate in a D that you do not want.

As far as Nitty's situation, hers is not yours. In my situation, my WAW went from dead set on D to wanting to save the marriage in a matter of weeks. I caution newbies that my situation was an anomaly and that they cannot look at my situation as hope that their will turn around in less than 4 months. I say the same for Nitty. First, good mediators are few and far between. Most want to get a D settlement mediated and move on. They have no incentive for the couple to stay together. Hoping mediation turns into discernment and quasi MC is not something you can put a lot of hope and faith in.

It doesn't mean that there is no hope in your situation as I believe all do. But do not take the lead on the D thinking you can use mediation to manipulate your WAS back to the marriage. That is a fraught expectation.

Focus on good DBing principles. That is your best way forward.

Hi Rockon, thanks for stopping by my thread. I'm really sorry that your W is treating you this way. It's really crazy-making, to be so disrespected but in a largely "nice" manner. The silver lining is that we LBS's are pushed to grow. Really good work learning to take back your power—it's not an easy process! I took a look at your sitch and cannot imagine how difficult it must be to enforce boundaries when you have to co-parent at the same time. Keep at it.

SteveLW, thank you. And agreed 100%. We teach people how to treat us.

BL42, I appreciate your support. It's amazing what one can accomplish in just one IC session when the counselor is good. And for sure, I will GAL like crazy!

DnJ, definitely, it's really nice to have one less logistical thing to stress about. what you say makes a lot of sense. Withdrawal seems to fit with what I'm going through. Like all things, I guess it simply takes time, and also not making things harder for myself by limiting exposure. Thanks for the heads up about how things will likely get worse.

SteveLW, you make a really good point. What a good reminder to take the long view. It's true, things do have a way of resolving themselves. When I think back on things in the past that caused me a LOT of anxiety, I realize that everything worked out in the end. And you increase the chance of having a good outcome if you make calm and rational decisions!

Good Morning m

Good on you utilizing the 48 hour rule.

I agree, I’d simply send H a copy of the marriage certificate.


This is an opportunity to not place boulders upon the path. This is not heavy lifting, nor will it significantly speed anything up.


Excellent goals.

Telling H to get his own copy would be working counter to your goals. That would fan his flames and propel him, adding fuel to his angry/depression ladened mixture. Remember, you want at some point, H to awaken to: “Hey, marching hasn’t been bugging me, or talking to me, or otherwise, and I am still unhappy. Hmmm, maybe it wasn’t her after all.” And then, with some good fortune, H will look inward.

Nothing you do, and everything you do, matters.

It matters for you! Everything, all suggestions, are for you. Be better, not bitter.

And the added benefit is it gives you the best chance at reconciliation.


Don’t borrow trouble. Do not get ahead of yourself. Just deal with this request is all.

My W was a jet fuelled dragster and rocketed her way to a divorce in 60 days. Nothing I did mattered. And everything I did mattered. There is a new life beyond the wreckage, after the flames die down, and after the dust settles - a really good life. Seriously! And you are laying the foundation of that life right now. Everything matters for you. (((Hugs)))

If H can find his way. If he can find his senses. He will turn back towards you. Be a gal only a fool would leave. It’s then up to H, if he be a fool or not.

There are positives in this request as well. H is talking to you. Speaking civilly. H also knows you, and knows you are organized. He asked for a copy and pretty much knows you will be able to find the certificate no problem.

Unlike my W, your H is wallowing and slowly moving along. “Looking into things”, will have meaning for him too. He is not rocketing along mowing anything and everyone who stands in his way. I suspect H will stare at that certificate for many hours. Languishing in guilty torment and happy memories. A step towards awakening to what he is doing and considering.

It may not dissuade him from his ill-conceived and driven path of finding his happiness. Although, I would wager seeing his and your names on a certificate of marriage will give him pause.

The future is unwritten. Let it unfold. And do not write it off. Hope lives in the possibilities.

Strengthen your foundation. Build well.

D

I consulted with a DB coach today and it was super helpful. She echoed words shared here about how dragging things out can push the MLC spouse in the other direction.

We talked about how I can be cooperative without being a doormat. She also said that it in my case, it wouldn't hurt to start some light chit chat. So, I sent the pictures of the MC (cooperation). I also told H that I am talking to lawyers in Big City, deliberately using the word "divorce," which he tends to avoid, to show that it doesn't scare me (not being a doormat).

H said, "That's great, thank you." He's going to talk to a lawyer next week to figure "it" out for Country B and "then we can see what's more practical."

I went out on a limb and responded with a gif about lawyers that referenced one of our inside jokes and said "ok" (attempt at chit chat).

He responded to the gif with a laughing emoji.

I was surprised that H sounded appreciative of me talking to lawyers. I didn't mention that I also already consulted a lawyer in Country B. I worried he might feel threatened. To the contrary, it's like he thinks figuring out the legal stuff is now a team effort and I've taken up half of the work (am I mind-reading too much?).

This all feels very weird because we've hardly had any contact since BD. But sure, we'll just chummily proceed with a life-changing legal process without having had any serious discussion about our M or attempts to improve it beforehand.

Well, it's definitely preferable to the ugly, acrimonious messes that some folks unfortunately have suffered.

I should note that H still doesn't know where I am living right now. I haven't told him about my moving plans, either, and he hasn't asked.