Summary: ExW (38) & I (40) were together 9 years, married 7, with two young children (then S4/D1, now S7/D4). BD shortly after a nice family Disney vacation, and soon discovered her affair w/married co-worker. For months I pursued, chased, begged, snooped...etc., put the kids to bed at night while she "worked late" and got up in the morning with them while she "went to work early". Affair w/OM1 blows up sometime around when their employer & OM1's wife find out; instead of working on the marriage ExW starts up w/OM2, moves out, files for divorce, moves OM2 right in (including with my kids). Physically separated occurred two and a half years ago and the divorce legally finalized a year and a half ago. ExW's been living with OM2 for over two years in a house she bought across the street from his sister.
Crushing it as a dad, at work / financially, and with GAL. Still dealing with some lingering anger around ExW's betrayal and OM2 being around my kids. Experimented with OLD apps for a time after D finalized but deleted my profiles awhile back and haven't fully jumped into the dating pool yet. Biggest focus has been the kids...
So today...guess who reaches out to me via social media and asks "How's life?". This second dream girl! Bizarre timing, no? Is that crazy or what? We exchange a few messages and I leave it at that and then she asks "this might sound weird or inappropriate but I'd love to catch up"
That's some psychic stuff there. But also - DANGER WILL ROBINSON. The married lady who calls the ex-boyfriend out of the blue just to catch up is probably having some temporary glitch in her marriage's matrix - stay away!
You don’t have to “make-up” for anything, especially for your ex wanting a divorce.
Even though I know that, and even though this life for my kids wasn't my decision, I do still feel a deep sense of guilt and need to be perfect for them at times. It pops especially at certain occasions like birthdays or Christmas. I know I need to let it go and give myself grace, but that sense of guilt and need to "make-up" is there at times.
One thing to think of here B....
You can have them in your life for a minute...
Or you can have them in your life for a lifetime....
It isn't about you making up for anything....
It's about you giving them a full enriched life, showing them character and molding them into well balanced adults....
Why the F would you feel guilty for doing that ??? : )
Perfection is un-obtainable...
It's showing them that when life kicks you in the huevos, you respond with dignity, honor, grace, and courage...
Pretty sure you are trying to do that.....
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Ginger1
OK, back to our regularly schedules program. You better get a move on, BL, my coworker gave my number to her boyfriends friend.
I'd swipe right on you Ginger - could see us hitting it off in real life - but the anonymous message board makes that challenging. Plus if we're being honest my young kids and the distance is probably a deal breaker.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I was hoping it might be you, but the picture isn’t how I imagine you to look.
So you're saying this guy isn't really, really, really, ridiculously good looking? ;-)
hey BL. I have no magic words, sadly. First, I want you to know I think you're doing a fantastic job as a single dad. This is a tough time of year, for many reasons.
Kids go through phases. I think it's a good idea to talk to someone re the meltdowns. exFIL is another story. Perhaps you could invite him out for coffee and have a man to man talk with him, using your mutual concern for the well being of the kids as your starting point.
I read his answer differently ... a lot of room for improvement in answer to your question of how HE was doing. telling you he isn't doing very well, from my interpretation.
BL, I'm going to suggest something that might be hard: dig deeper for some compassion for exFIL. Think about your daughter. Imagine her as an adult, married to a great guy, with a beautiful family, and she blows it all up. How would you feel? Heartbroken? Disappointed in her? Ashamed of her behavior? Questioning what you could have done differently as a parent? Devastated and worried for your grandchildren?
I think you and exFIL might find your way. It's Christmas. There's magic to this season of hope, love and compassion. Think about it my friend.
Everything worked out perfectly, despite the stress and anxiousness of preparing for it as a single parent of two young believers, and we all had a blast...especially S7 and D4!
My sister had baby#2! So I now have a baby nephew and the kids a baby cousin! She was due right around Christmas, which was part of my stress because my parents have helped Santa prep in the past, but this year were on grandparent duty to drive out of town to help with my niece if my sister and BIL were in the hospital. Fortunately the baby arrived a week early so mom and dad were there helping there for a full week, then I traveled with S7 & D4 to meet the baby on the 23rd and into Christmas Eve visited. Everyone enjoyed the time together, the three cousins always have fun and they made Christmas cookies (which we took back to leave out for Santa) and D4 held her baby cousin (though S7 was more tentative!).
So we all traveled back on Christmas Eve, went to church, drove around to see Christmas lights, did "Twas the Night Before Christmas", left out cookies...etc. Santa had a lot prepped (with the help of some family elves) and got to bed before midnight and the kids slept in until 7:20am for the win!
Both S7 and D4 had a wonderful morning of opening presents. S7 got some video games and an air hockey table and D4 had some especially priceless reactions to some princess dresses and Encanto house, and surprisingly a Dumbo stuffy Santa never expected to be her favorite.
Anyway, mid-next day I took them over to ExW's. And fortunately because I have a fixed holiday week and ExW had to work I had them again all day Wed & Thurs (ExW suggested they just stay over night) and then saw them again Saturday morning for S7's game. So I really had at most a day or two away from them. Not unusual, but nice considering the Holidays. And I used the "off" days to rest up and meet with up friends a few evenings.
Thought I might be alone for New Years. Last year a buddy through a big party with a dozen couples friends, but this year people were scattered. Fortunately at the last minute a buddy who lives in my neighborhood invited me other with his family and there 4 couples I know. So although I'd rather have a date or SO for once to kiss at midnight, at least I was with friends who care.
And then the kids came back on Monday the 2nd because the three of us had off from work / school for New Years observed and watched the Rose Bowl together.
So all in all a very nice Holiday season :-) And now we're back in to the work / school grind...
Hope everyone here had a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Years. Wishing all the best in 2023!
DANGER WILL ROBINSON. The married lady who calls the ex-boyfriend out of the blue just to catch up is probably having some temporary glitch in her marriage's matrix -
Yeah I was thinking the same. The stories about this type of thing are endless.
Originally Posted by kml
stay away!
Not sure you need to stay away. It’s not your job to make decisions for her. But proceed with the utmost caution and eyes wide open.
Oh yeah, and crushed it on the GAL front last week:
Thursday - Golf Sim League and Bowling League Friday - Gym, haircut & beard trim, open skate, drink with a buddy Saturday - Gym, sim golf and NFL playoff games with 8 buddies Sunday - Gym, another open skate, and stuff around the house
Stats from my 4 gym sessions since my last post:
Jan 13th - 3.5 miles treadmill, Leg Day, Open Skate Jan 14th - 4.0 miles treadmill, Chest & Back Jan 15th - 4.0 miles treadmill, Bis & Tris, Open Skate Jan 17th - 5.25 miles treadmill, Abs & Speed Bag
So I've done 30 miles on the treadmill and 2 rotations of lifting (Legs, Bis/Tris, and Chest/Back days) in 2023. Need to keep up the momentum and make it a month, then 3 and then 6...into all of 2023. That's why I'm posting here for accountability.
I am going to ask you a tough question though. I know you are PARTIALLY joking when you say you are inadequate as a single dad for not making a hockey rink.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
So. Building a rink isn't a measure of quality of character.
I really was just kidding about hockey rink inadequacy. Though it was an especially interesting suggestion considering S7 actually did ask for a soccer dome in our backyard!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
But there was truth to it. You are indeed killing it as a single dad. Even take the single part out . You are killing it as a dad. I imagine if you were married, you would never think you were inadequate at all for not doing the huge gestures.
Thanks for the kind words. I do know I'm crushing it as a dad, and I'm proud of that. However...
Originally Posted by Ginger1
You don’t have to “make-up” for anything, especially for your ex wanting a divorce.
Even though I know that, and even though this life for my kids wasn't my decision, I do still feel a deep sense of guilt and need to be perfect for them at times. It pops especially at certain occasions like birthdays or Christmas. I know I need to let it go and give myself grace, but that sense of guilt and need to "make-up" is there at times.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Killing it as a parent looks the same either way. Being emotionally present, keeping them safe, helping them grow and learn and teaching them healthy boundaries. You do that, and you are killing it as a parent? Single or not !!!
Will do, and would've regardless - it's not even a question. Always wanted to be a dad; love those kiddos more than anything.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
OK, back to our regularly schedules program. You better get a move on, BL, my coworker gave my number to her boyfriends friend.
I'd swipe right on you Ginger - could see us hitting it off in real life - but the anonymous message board makes that challenging. Plus if we're being honest my young kids and the distance is probably a deal breaker.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I was hoping it might be you, but the picture isn’t how I imagine you to look.
So you're saying this guy isn't really, really, really, ridiculously good looking? ;-)
Not a problem. I just wanted you to know that I removed it, not because I wanted to, but because of the Board policy.
Good thing we have someone else to look out for and make decisions for us, sorta like government has decided is their place. Lord forbid we make decisions for ourselves and take care of our own lives. But I totally get it Job you are just doing your “job” and following directions like the cops who had to arrest people for not wearing a face diaper a few years ago. So not blaming you. I just long for America again to be the land of the free, but whatever, moving on.
FYI, multiple quotes still remain with the hints that you missed, but if anyone hadn’t figured it out by this time… lol it is correct, find G and you find many of the rest, and I’m sure we’ll all survive.
