Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - Walkaway Wife Help

Brand new and wouldn't mind some guidance for a really rough time I'm going through.

Me (34) and my wife (36) have been together for 14 years and married in 2018. We have one daughter together (11 years old).

At the end of September, my wife unleashed all of these grievances she has deep resentment from that had never come to light before. I was completely blindsided because although I didn't think things were perfect, I didn't realize she had got to this point. Many of the things she was talking about happened a really long time ago that I barely even remembered. It is almost like she has been tucking away/numbing her feelings of a lot of these things I've done wrong in the relationship, possibly for quite a few years, and never told me pointedly for me to try to change it. She has said that she felt alone at many points of our relationship but I also know she knows I've been a really good provider for our family and we've had some really amazing times together.

Now that all of this came out, it's like it's now available for her to analyze/digest all of these feelings/emotions she has numbed.

My heart was just completely shattered. When the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with says they are possibly done with the relationship, it was a true wake up call that has really changed me.

In her mind, all the years of ups/downs just led her to be checked out and just mentally done in the relationship. She had almost accepted it as fine that we've been living two separate independent lives in our household without a connection almost like roommates. And while I agree things weren't perfect, I almost followed the "No news is good news" when we were clearly continuing to drift apart.

Since this "blow up" happened, for about 2 months I have been absolutely working my butt off to show her how much I love her, helping out more around the house, being a better father, husband, and just trying to be a better person in general. These two months have been really hard on my heart. I have been physically sick and had many sleepless nights.

She has acknowledged that she sees the change and really appreciates the changes. Even with this, and my repeated attempts at just pouring my heart out, she is still shutting me out. It's like we can't turn the valve back on that she shut off and made up her mind about for so long. She keeps saying she is "struggling" and knows she is shutting me out. She has also said that she admits she is being selfish but it's like doesn't matter because to her it's almost her time to stand up for her own emotions.

I haven't discounted some of the things that she probably has resentment for. I know I have made a lot of mistakes. I was 23 when we had our daughter and I know I didn't always make the most mature decisions like prioritizing my family instead of hanging out with friends, going to the gym, or even working long hours.

She feels like all the stuff I'm doing now (180 in her mind) makes her feel like she has to just forgive, get over and move on because I want to change and be better. She feels pressured and knows I'm trying to be there for her and showing her how much I love her but it's like not enough. She still keeps shutting me out.

The problem I see is that I'm all-in 100%+ with my effort on fixing things and she is at maybe 2-5% on a good day, still even struggling to be a willing participant at all.

I started reading a few of these threads and see that one of the big ways I have screwed up since she came out as a walkaway wife is not giving her space. In my defense, I'm a human being and being so blindsided made we want answers. Since she wouldn't communicate well in person, we resorted to texting a lot and I think it has pushed her even further way. When I wouldn't get responses it would frustrate me more and I think this led to her to keep saying that she felt pressure all the time for a perfect response. I think it just drained her emotionally.

We've seen a local counselor a few times but again I've still been making the mistake of not giving her space which I learned after reading some of these threads.

Last week, I scheduled a great family outing she agreed to go to at a local professional hockey game with no expense spared and we had a really great time. We also at least were each able to take off work and have a day date where we saw a movie and had a lunch out that was actually really comfortable and had good conversation. I again made the mistake of seeing how she was feeling about things after and that didn't go well.

Now she has told me she's done with the relationship. It's like she has completely convinced herself that getting over these issues is just too hard and therefore not possible. Like there is just too much to get over and the thought of doing so is just too daunting for her.

Maybe she is really done with the relationship but I think it's also possible that what she is "done" with is me smothering/suffocating her which I did out of stupidity.

I want/need to change up my strategy and what I was thinking about was to continue doing all of the good changes that I have been doing that she has clearly seen the difference. This whole thing in general has made me want to be a better father and husband so I want to keep doing that. I was also going to stop applying any pressure to her whatsoever, not seek validation, and let her do what she wants to do. If she wants to continue for us go to therapy, go, etc.

Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Consider making your highest priorities building your relationship with your daughter and improving yourself for you. And there's no need to chase your W. You'll probably find that she will stay on the periphery of your life, no matter how many times she says that she's completely done.

Spiral

You’ll know if she’s having an affair by how she is with her phone. Is it always close by? Passcoded? Long trips to the bathroom with it? Early or late to bed with it?

I’m sorry, but that’s classic affair behaviour, even if it’s just an emotional affair at this point.


That’s a lot about her. Trust me when I say (other than respecting their wishes and walking in the other direction) there is NOTHING you can do to analyse, understand, change or repair a woman who is at this point. You just can’t.

All LBS come to this site, and write page after page about how their WS/WAS is acting. What they are saying, doing, thinking - what does it all mean, they said xxxx so should I respond yyyy… inevitably there’s sim talk of GAL, and the the next post is once again like a post-game analysis of everything their partner has said/done/how many times they’ve breathed in the last 24 hours and what it could possibly all mean.

I’d encourage you to try and focus your posts more and more on you, and less on her. She’s simmering in the oven. You can’t do anything about her, and if you try, you’re just validating her decision to leave. There is NOTHING you can say or do or realise that will fix this.

The way to a happy future is to drop the rope, let her be, and start kicking life’s butt. Come to the board and tell us how your daughter is going - we went to a baseball game together! Tell us what your lawyer has told you to be careful about/prepared for. Tell us how you are going to do better at your job, what your daily exercise routine is (and what goals you’ve set). Tell us how you are increasing your social circles. Tell us three new hobbies you’ve started. Go wash and vacuum your car, buy some new clothes and aftershave. Find something that terrifies the old you (like skydiving) and go do it!

The answer (whatever that may be - divorce or reconciliation) actually lies within you…

Sure does blow. I’ve never experienced anything like the feeling of your family slipping away and there is nothing you can do about it.

Yep she’s got her own internal struggles going on right now so rest assure she’s not feeling great right now either.

You got a long haul ahead of you so the best thing you can do is eat right, exercise and get good sleep. Your ride is just beginning and you’re going to need your strength.

Do not be passive aggressive and make decisions right now like taking your ring off. Just try to get through today. This is going to take many months/years to play itself out. I can promise you that you will not always feel like you do right now.

When I was young my mom use to tell me “son life isn’t fair”.

You only stay in limbo as long as you want to stay in limbo.

Your only chance is to become a man only a fool would leave.

I was a house cleaning, dish washing ninja after BD. I pretty much proved that the items on the list were not the true reason. I was even more of a cleaning, dish-washing ninja after I moved out and had to do these things only for me and the kids. I kept my little rental house immaculate.

As LH19 said, do your fair share, no more and no less. If she is slacking, call her on it. Do not let fear control you.

If you think the house is dirty, clean it. If you don't, do something else productive with your time.

If you use dishes clean them. Let her clean hers. If she complaints, listen and understand where her frustration is coming from.


This is my new normal:

W:"Would you take out the trash?"
Me:"Of course, would you mind getting me a glass of ice water?"

When I was single:
Woman at the bar:"Would you buy me a drink?"
ME":Absolutely, after you buy me one."

Do not be supplicating.

Quick story. If you see my timeline in my signature you will see that BD happened for me the day before Christmas Eve. This meant that we had several days full of extended family events to attend over the next several days.

Brandon, not sure if you are a religious man, but I believe God's providence had a lot to do with the outcome in my situation. At Bible Class Sunday morning (this was 12/24, the day after BD) the teacher talked about how spouses needed to stick out the tough times. Too many spouses when things got rough took the highway, instead of digging in (like their vows said) and working through it. Then we had Christmas Eve at my side and my parents gave all of the married couples gift cards to restaurants and free babysitting for a "date night".

But the biggest one, later that week we got together with her side. As we were leaving her grandmother pulled me in to hug me and said she admired the man I was, that I took care of my family, and that she would be praying for me. My wife was standing right there and heard every word.

Here is the key Brandon, I hadn't done anything different. Don't become someone you aren't to impress her. Like BL says it is not sustainable, plus she will see right through it. Almost all of us have heard the words "Its too little too late." or "You are only doing this to get me to stay."

Become the best VERSION of YOU, don't become someone you aren't.

We know man 😢 My heart breaks for you.

It’s genuinely the hardest thing you’ll ever go through in your life.

There’s not much more we can say. There’s no magic words to take away your pain.

My only advice is:

- it will get better. Not quickly… but trust me, it will one day be okay

- the best thing you can do right now is exercise your body physically to the point of exhaustion

Hang in there mate.

You’re strapped into a seat on the world’s scariest and most violent roller coaster. You can either scream, cry, rage, attempt to change the direction of the carriage or try to undo the harness - or you can accept there’s nothing you can do right now. Even though it’s terrifying, you’re not going to die, and eventually the ride will end and you’ll be okay.

Time to drop the rope.

The issue with that is that often times it is mis-interpreted by the WAW, (WA-women in particular) that things leading to sex reinforces to them that all we cavemen want from them, and all of our gallant efforts eventually lead to just having sex. That we somehow only want them for their bodies and want to forget about them as a person.

Men need the physical aspect before we can engage in the emotional part of sex. Women are wired exactly the opposite of us, in that they need the emotional part of a relationship to have them crave the physical side of things. And I'm not saying that it isn't always that way, yet in a typical long term relationship, that has been my experience with it.




Something to keep in mind with that....

That is YOUR fix, and it may not be hers. She doesn't want or need you to fix this for her. And as long as she is feeling that you are trying to push it, she will rebel against it....




Most WAS's will go to great lengths to convince themselves that they did everything imaginable to "fix" the relationship before they can justify them walking away.

In reality, in their minds, they DID do everything that they knew how to do, and just like above, because it doesn't/didn't match what you thought it might look like doesn't make them incorrect.

You are going to find that there are 3 versions of the story. Your side, her side, and somewhere in the middle is where the true story is. And just because your side doesn't match her side, doesn't make her version any less true. It's true to her, and she is the only person that she is concerned with right now.




Ahhh....the b!tch switch !!!

Wait until you see it flip in real time ....




Like I said above....It went well according to your version of the truth...

You don't know how it went from her side....

It really could have been a...

Yep, he really went to great lengths just to get some a$$....


You're doing pretty good for it being so early in your situation, yet you need to learn to follow and trust the process....


Most of us posting are coming from the experiences that we've had ...

Why would you go out of your way to tell someone who wants to break your marriage where you are going to be all the time? That makes zero sense. Tell her nothing. If she asks, and only if she asks, then just say “I’m going out with friends.” And then leave immediately. Conversations with WAW/WS are the final nail in the coffin.

And be prepared mentally for interactions in advance. Exit conversations ASAP, as if talking to her is taking you away from fun and a real inconvenience

For example: If she says “Well why all the secrets, why won’t you tell me who you’re going out with?”

Old Brandon: “It’s not a girl, I love you, I’d never go on a date with another woman.”

New Brandon: *With grin and sparkle in your eyes* “Wouldn’t you like to know!”

Was upset/annoyed/short with her typically how you behaved when you didn't get your way with her?
Do you know when you are 100% most likely to reconcile effectively?

When you no longer care if you do or not.

That's the honest and sad truth. Reconciliation requires a level playing field, an even starting line. BOTH of you need to be willing to walk and to believe the other one will leave. That makes you something worth having.

Good Morning br4nd0n


Things like connecting back with friends and other “get a life” activities are for you. You reconnect with friends because you care about them. You try new, and those old forgotten, hobbies because you are investing in yourself. Making one’s spouse curious is a positive byproduct of GAL - not the reason for it.

As for how much detail to tell. It depends on the scenario. Just keep any pressure dialled way down. A general, I’m heading out for a few hours, should suffice. Other times, D and I are getting an Xmas tree. Want to come along?, would be more appropriate. It depends on the scenario, and that day.

Be kind and cordial. Keep your side of the street in order.


I understand. It is tough!

And yes, heartbreak hurts plenty.

The anger, the upset, annoyed, being short with her, sweat that out of you. Find a mechanism to process and release those feelings. A nice run. A punching bag. Shovelling snow. Or digging a garden. (It’s -30C here this morning so no gardening for me. ). Do something safe and away from W.

And new feelings will well up again. And need to be processed again. Each time getting a bit easier, a bit better, as you craft new internal pathways of coping and thinking.

Kind and cordial.

Be better, not bitter.

D

br4nd0n,
Good! But keep in mind consistent actions...it can't be a day or two and then flip back.

A little wordy maybe, and too many "I feels" perhaps, but sounds decent overall.

Doesn't mean you shouldn't do your share - just don't bend over backwards doing everything in the hopes it'll save the M.

Then she'll be doing them quite a bit more if she decides to move out.

Perfect. You and your daughter should be your priority.

I've definitely backed way off. Trying to "drop the rope".

If you recall, we were supposed to have a marriage counseling session today to discuss what a "break" looks like. Yesterday, I did this instead and was our exchange:

Me: "I just wanted to let you know I've decided not go to the counseling session tomorrow if you want to let XXX know. We don't need another meeting to discuss a break. I feel like counseling has just been more pressure for you. I feel I already have made what I want very clear these past few months and there just isn't a reason for us to go any longer for now. I want to respect what you said about feeling done with the relationship."

W: "Ok, I still may go."

Me: "That's fine. You can go on your own tomorrow to get some advice if you think that might be helpful"


We haven't talked much. We had an event/concert yesterday for our D11 so there was a little exchange but not tons.

She has also been offering me food that she has been making. She also offered to pick me up something along with what she was for my daughter when she was out and about. I have been politely declining as I've been doing my own thing in the food/diet arena (we pretty much always have anyways).

I have also backed off on doing dishes/emptying dishwasher. I haven't had any of my own dishes so they have all been hers from cooking, etc.

This morning I saw her doing the dishes, emptying the dishwasher, and it made me realize she hadn't had to do any of that for a long time since the BD.

I've just been focusing on my daughter and doing things for her.