Waste of so many years. For a person with the best PR skills MBA, she could have just chopped this in the butt years ago.. We, the forum members,, have discussed moving on, detaching, but I need to forgive her for Not trying to fix this marriage.. She is the one that could have initiated and coordinated it, and she knows it.. Maybe I am just venting.. Who knows..
The only person you have any control over is yourself. You may be searching for a forgiveness that you'll never be able to find. I know that I've never forgiven my xW for what she did.
What I have done and what might work for you is acceptance. Poopy things happen. You can't change that even when it ends up splashing on you. You can though wash it off and walk away. This stink isn't your's to own.
I went back and looked at your thread from 3 years ago and you’re still stuck in the same spot. Get your ADHD diagnosed and treatments. You are never going to stop feeling the pain unless you move forward.
By your account your marriage was done along time ago. You could of took the lead on fixing it. I think the real problem if you are honest with yourself is that your marriage was you entire life. You have nothing else going on in your life. You had been separated for 3 years and you made zero progress in friends, fitness, hobbies etc. Now she found someone else and your angry which I get but you have to carry some of the burden here.
As far as being attractive, she is a pretty lady. I liked her person, her business acumen, drive, intelligence too. That is pretty attractive. As far as her in Hawaii, she was very stressed on family dynamics. That led her to not get hair done ( she needs it straightened ), no make up like she used to. The financials were hard too, and so there were many stress factors on our marriage, on top of the daughters issues.
I tell you, the step daughter was fire the whole time.. I have never dealt with a kid so angry towards me.
It is said that second marriages with children from the first have a 70% D rate. Many have this blended family fantasy but 99 times out of 100 the kids are going to come first regardless of what the truth of it all is. If both you and D are in life threatening situations and W can save only one of you, it’s not going to be you. Marriage comes and goes, which we all see here, but children are for life.
I’m not saying it’s D’s fault or the only reason, just saying that the happily blended family is often very much a fantasy. Ginger is not doing this on purpose but in the end waiting until D is 18 before doing a LTR may be the very best thing she could do to have that R succeed.
Now I have that song “Luckenbach Texas (Back to the Basics of Love)” in my head. Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson….outlaw country at its finest. Also look up The Highway Men if you’ve not heard their songs.
Just got back from Texas with youngest Daughter, 22. We went Horse Back riding from the countryside, into to a bar in town. Had a couple beers, road back. Epic time.
Awesome! Making memories. Well done.
Originally Posted by Mach40
My mind was off the ex and such for the majority of the time.. Very nice..
That's why GAL is so critical. The busier and the more fun we're having with family, friends, or even a project by ourselves the less time we're thinking of our Ex & our sitch and the better we feel.
Well if you actually read what I wrote I said it’s a good start and he should expand his GAL. I’m starting yoga next month.
Yep totally aware that beaches, concerts and the gym aren’t for everyone. Just like skinny, tanned, big breasted blondes aren’t for everyone but thank you for the reminder.
Well it’s not reading between the lines when you actually come out and say it. I would stay away from women who put in their profiles that they are looking for a man to take care of them. I think I mentioned this to you before, you don’t want a woman who will move a mountain for you. You want a woman who reciprocates.
I find it funny most women are attracted to other than nice people. I see it quite often..
Good question. I can't say I particularly went after "bad boys", but it is true that in my younger days, I passed up some super "nice guys". Was it that they weren't exciting enough? Or that confidence is attractive, and they were lacking in that? Or were the pheromones just not right with that particular person?
I am sometimes reminded of one guy who had a crush on me in medical school (before I met my ex-husband). He was a nice guy, kind, smart (since he was in medical school too), decent looking (but with a kind of square, midwestern look to him). Average height, fit enough. I felt no attraction to him other than as a friend. Was it pheromones? Or was I looking for someone more exciting?
Anyway - we are FB friends, he married a nice nurse he met in school. She's not too different from me - had long brown hair like mine, similar build and features - not in a creepy way, just a general type. They have been happily married all these years. He has stayed fit and looks really handsome now compared to other men in our age group. He's retired and takes lovely trips with his wife. That life that I THOUGHT I was going to have with my ex, I might have had with him?
I wonder, if he had been more confident and assertive, would I have been attracted to him? I have no idea. It's not like he was shy, he did ask me out, he did try to pursue me. But I friend zoned him.
Instead later I ended up dating the handsome rock guitarist in the hit local band who asked me out, much to my total surprise. (He was so hip and cool and I most definitely was not the cool girl at the time). That fizzled because he wasn't really pursuing me enough at the time (go figure!) and then I met my ex.
All of this is a little different than the Nice Guy Syndrome. But if you're a nice guy who tends to get friend zoned, I'd say check your confidence and assertiveness. If they're lacking, that might be an issue.
I do now. I feel my ex is desperately trying to find security in her future. She was a survivor when I first met her as she was struggling to get out of her parents home, even though she was working full time..
Just keep reminding yourself that this isn't your issue. My own xW bragged to her friends about how much money her OM had as a small business owner who had just gotten a windfall from his wife's death from cancer.
Nearly 7 years later they're living modestly about 10 minutes away well subsidized by my alimony payments (16 more to go). I have no idea what their situation is, but they are both driving 10 year old + vehicles and the trips to tropical destinations she used to insist on aren't happening to the best of my (rather limited) knowledge.
The only big trip they went on was when my xW drained 1/2 of our savings account while we were still married but separated. It was also when she was outed as a cheating spouse as her secret got out on social media from people they met.
A big part of detachment is severing the link / dropping the rope between your future and her's. She's made her choices and has gone on her own path that has nothing to do with you. You need to find your own path. The place to get to is when she is just someone you used to know. It's a tough journey I assure you, but worth it.
Andrew, any specific threads on dating? You have allot of threads..
LOL - yes I do. To summarize and save you some reading, I dated a couple of women who were very much less favoured economically than me. Things moved very fast in both cases, and all the people around me (and eventually me) realized that I was being taken advantage of.
In the first case, the woman called it off due in part to the fact that my house was too big and had too many stairs and I refused to sell it and buy a lake-front property. She also had a lot of unresolved issues including a ex-husband that she eventually went back to. I suspect she was having her own version of a MLC and I was rock bottom He'd had multiple affairs before they split and I was assured that it was completely over. They'd been apart for multiple years but kept in touch.
In the second case I had to call it off when the woman turned out to be hoarder who expected me to take care of everything for her and her extended family. One episode that stands out was when I ended up in the hospital because of angina pains (turned out it was stress related) and she emptied the bank account buying stuff at Costco while she waited for me to get out of surgery. Oh and my house was far far too small because she couldn't have a separate office and craft room for herself and there wasn't enough room for her stuff. After we split she moved into her parent's small bungalow which she inherited just before I called it quits.
Now, I'm not saying that any disparity in economic capability is an immediate no-go. But rather the lack of reciprocity. I was married for 26 years to a woman who worked as a retail clerk. There was never a question of who contributed more to the family. We each did our part.
Going forward I can't see myself again being in a situation where finances would be combined. I'm 58 and don't want to risk my future again. And as time goes on and I spend more and more time living alone I find that I appreciate it. I used to think that I could get along with anyone and that turned out to be wrong. My friend "C" who I've been seeing a bit of lately has assured me that in her opinion that I must be hard to live with.
He'd had multiple affairs before they split and I was assured that it was completely over. They'd been apart for multiple years but kept in touch.