So people wear rose colored glasses to maintain control?. Of what? Doesn't sound healthy
So you for an example. You were in a sex starved marriage for most of your life. Your W pretty much gave up on making herself attractive for you after you were married. It got so bad you signed up for Ashley Madison. She had at least one EA and pretty much discarded you when her kids that you raised were old enough. Having you believing this was all your fault because you were sex starved and signed up for Ashely Madison but didn't actually go through with it. Yet you waited two plus years for her to comeback. Why? Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.
With the benefit of time and distance, you now realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.
How do you really get control back?
1) Set goals for yourself and hit them. (Get in shape, do an improvement project around the house, learn to play an instrument)
2) Interact with others. Volunteer, join a club, a little positive validation from other humans will do wonders
3) Talk to a therapist. You have a lot of feelings to work through, keep walking the road.
The number one challenge people have on DB is that they WANT to pursue because they want their control back, so despite knowing they shouldn't, they invent viable excuses to justify it to themselves and then do it anyway. That's why you were doing the holidays and that's why you were doing the lunches.
Breakups are hard because our identity becomes wrapped up in who we are as a person in the relationship. When that person is gone from our lives, we often feel like we don’t know who we are anymore, because so much of our life revolves around being in a relationship that no longer exists. It takes time to heal and rebuild your life to get back to a place where you love and enjoy your time being single and learning to have fun again. It often takes several years of being single, learning from your past and enjoying your life before you are truly ready for a new love story to happen. Give yourself permission to be a beginner again and create who you are and who you want to become. Life is a process of constant re-creation.
So you probably want someone in between. You don’t want to have to save someone but you probably don’t want someone who moves a mountain for you. You want consistent effort on both sides.
It's a process trial and error. You want it to me light, witty and fun but not too much because you don't want them to think you are just looking for fun. I changed my profile many times. Explore and see what works.
I guess I was not aware it’s been three years Mach. It seemed like it was more like months. Perhaps that’s a clue. But also I remember doing sone brief and frankly useless C shortly after my D where the C said she just talked with someone who said it took them 5 years to fully return back to “normal”. I’ve also long heard that the longer you are together the longer it takes. I’ve heard one formula as 1 year for every 3 years together.
So don’t be too hard on yourself. It takes time, it really does. But also it’s what you do with that time - not just that time itself heals. Time heals nothing by itself but it does take time to heal. So don’t be hard on yourself. OTOH LH is accurate you need to change some things up and GAL. You can be happy with or without a woman. But getting a woman in your life is not the answer to bring happy. You need to do that in your own and then a partner will only make it better.
I guess I was not aware it’s been three years Mach. It seemed like it was more like months.
Mach40 could speak better to the timeline, but believe he started posting nearly two years ago and they had already been separated for 3 years at that point yet hadn't followed up on the legal process yet, so it's been 5 years at this point.
Mach I’m not trying to be mean I just feel like I have to be direct with you. I’m pretty sure no matter what you were ending up here. What I don’t want to see is you come back in a few years. You need to start moving forward. 5 years is way too long to be standing still. Why don’t you write down 5 goals that are achievable in the next 6 months.
Your posts lately portray a deep sense of sadness. That's completely natural and common for people here, but to LH's point it's been many years now so it's important you get yourself unstuck. Make an action plan on what you're going to do to improve yourself - literally write it down. I also get the sense you spend a lot of time alone, so get busy and social. GAL is your lifeline right now. Figure out what you like to do and meet some guys you can hang out with. You have many years ahead of you, and life can be good...make them count!
Mach this is what happens when B is dropped. This happened 5 years ago and you are still perplexed? She fell out of love with you and didn't want to talk about. She didn't care what you thought about her. She kept herself busy with other things. She was neutral/indifferent because she moved on. We all pretty much experienced this in one way or another.
As far as 180s, she stopped saying I love you, avoided conversations about us, was cordial not argumentative, laid low by not being too busy with me via texts/calls, never asked how she looked or if noticed changes, she was very nuetral.. Thats all I can think of right now that is in the 180 list.. But she did GAL, and moved on..
These sound more like falling out of love and indifference than 180s, imo.
180s are like you always used to argue and debate her logically and instead you now listen and validate. Or you drank way too much and were an alcoholic so you decide to stop drinking. Or you got really out of shape and all of a sudden you hit the gym and get healthy.
There are two paths one walks during divorce - emotional/spiritual and business. Keep them separate. Stick to business while on the business side of things.
Set up your financial obligations. Automatic payments might be best; then you don’t need to get dragged about or bothered monthly (or whatever time arrangements are agreed upon). Utilize your L if needed to set things up. No need to converse with XW. Divorce is a business deal gone sideways. Treat it that way.
With the business side basically sorted out that leaves the other path - emotional. The emotional (and spiritual) path is more a life’s journey. The important part of this journey is not the destination, it’s the journey itself. How you conduct yourself. What you do. And why. The journey is the goal, is it’s own destination.
Stand tall. Remain responsible to your obligations. Walk with strength and grace.
