I am not actually intending to post anymore, at least not at the moment, but I wanted to leave an open thread in case any old friends want to find me over the years.
Sometimes I have wanted to post to old friends with closed threads, even if I don't think they will ever see it, like a cave drawing left for the ages to find.
Maybe once in a while I will post an update. Today I will only say this:
The journey you are on is not to save your marriage. I thought that too, I made my marriage an idol and thought if I didn't fix it, I wasn't doing what I was supposed to do. But walking in the light doesn't mean avoiding the darkness. Someone who lives through a war isn't at fault for not always having enough to feed her children. All we can do is lead a life full of light no matter what circumstances come our way. That's the path I am on. And my path is very very difficult, but I am not unhappy. The journey is not to get your marriage back. It's to walk in the light until you get your marriage back or to walk in the light without your marriage back. The marriage is almost irrelevant, and until your spouse thinks the marriage is relevant to who s/he is, you will not get it back anyway. But you can be the person you are meant to be whether or not that happens. Your journey is to discover why you are here on this earth. I believe God created marriage to help us become our best selves. He created some other things to do that as well, and He even uses the awful things we do to each other to help us become our best selves, when we open our hearts and listen and walk a better path and give light and love to others no matter what happened to us. I am a wounded weirdo with many flaws and I made and make many mistakes, but I can see that this is the goal for my life, and I see that it is possible to walk in love even when I fall off that path at times, especially when falling off is because of my own wounds.
I am listening to the book, "What Happened to You?" with Oprah and a neuroscientist who is a child psychiatrist as well. It is life changing and explains so much of why I was drawn to my H to begin with. It has already helped me be a better mom to my kids. I recommend it to anyone reading this!
From the end of "The Snow Queen." I did walk through the door, just not with little Kay. Or perhaps with the real little Kay, I know Someone is walking with me.
“You are a fine fellow to go gadding about in this way,” said she to little Kay, “I should like to know whether you deserve that any one should go to the end of the world to find you.”
But Gerda patted her cheeks, and asked after the prince and princess.
“They are gone to foreign countries,” said the robber-girl.
“And the crow?” asked Gerda.
“Oh, the crow is dead,” she replied; “his tame sweetheart is now a widow, and wears a bit of black worsted round her leg. She mourns very pitifully, but it is all stuff. But now tell me how you managed to get him back.”
Then Gerda and Kay told her all about it.
“Snip, snap, snare! it’s all right at last,” said the robber-girl.
Then she took both their hands, and promised that if ever she should pass through the town, she would call and pay them a visit. And then she rode away into the wide world. But Gerda and Kay went hand-in-hand towards home; and as they advanced, spring appeared more lovely with its green verdure and its beautiful flowers. Very soon they recognized the large town where they lived, and the tall steeples of the churches, in which the sweet bells were ringing a merry peal as they entered it, and found their way to their grandmother’s door. They went upstairs into the little room, where all looked just as it used to do. The old clock was going “tick, tick,” and the hands pointed to the time of day, but as they passed through the door into the room they perceived that they were both grown up, and become a man and woman. The roses out on the roof were in full bloom, and peeped in at the window; and there stood the little chairs, on which they had sat when children; and Kay and Gerda seated themselves each on their own chair, and held each other by the hand, while the cold empty grandeur of the Snow Queen’s palace vanished from their memories like a painful dream.
I am not at all surprised that your h is now putting up cameras. He's trying to see who comes and goes from your residence. The bartender should have taken that camera down because it was sitting on top of his. However, it is good that he told you about it and now that new one has been shut down. That, in my books, is called stalking. You did not give him permission put that there, nor did the bartender. He is really getting desperate to trap you in some sort of compromising situation.
Gerda, please, please be careful. He has completely lost the plot in many ways, but he still continues to be sly like a fox in other ways. Be sure to check around outside to see if there are any other cameras up and also, check inside your home for "listening" devices/bugs. I don't put anything by this man.
It has been ages since I last visited here, but your story compelled me to write to you to send lots of love and support your way. I think of you often and I am so sorry to read of your never-ending story.
You have gotten some great advice from Job and DnJ (hi guys!), but another angle that I am feeling drawn to share my perspective on is this: how are you supporting your emotional and psychological health in all of this? I haven't dealt with the magnitude of what you have experienced, but even the fraction of what I have lived through has been grueling and soul-breaking.
I do so hope that you follow up with a women's DV group, not only for the legal infractions you have been navigating, but for support of the coercion and post-separation abuse you (and your children) have been living through. I know in times of survival we put our heads down and put one foot in front of the other, but the long-term consequences of surviving under such circumstances can be debilitating. I want to see Team Gerda supporting their gal as you navigate these next steps. No need to do it alone anymore. Transgressions have been made (over and over and over) and perhaps enough rope has been let out at this point in time?
And the best part was that at one point the judge said, "You know, when we got this case we assumed Mrs. H was the problem. But now we see that it's Mr. H."
I think that’s the best part too!
Truth, reality, positivity, hope, and such, pretty much always find a way to shine through whatever tries to obscure them. Although sometimes it can take a really long time. Perseverance and strength of character do yield their own rewards regardless. However, it is sure welcomed when karma drops in and gives a boost.
I am very happy to read how well your daughter and son are doing. Your son is a wise lad, who had some hard life lessons and found his way. And it is awesome to read that daughter actually made a joke about GF’s Mom being the next broker, and laughed about it! Both of them have grown so much, and gained so much. You absolutely are correct to be proud of them. Nice job Mom!
Years ago you offered me some words which I’m not sure you know the extent of how transformative or supportive they truly were. Many times while lost and alone those four simple words held fast and held back the darkness.
Walk in the light.
Gerda, continue to walk in the light. Regardless of the darkness and shade, H or anyone tries to throw your way, hold your head high and shine God’s love. Goodness does grow and flourish when watered by faith and love. (And a soft a squishy heart. )
Hello friend! I have to say, despite what you have still been going through, you sound stronger than ever! I know it must not feel like it, but from the cheap seats it sounds like you are handling the hardest of hard situations with grace. I think handling yourself with grace has a lot more to do with how you navigate your choices from an outwardly perspective, regardless of how you may feel while doing it. The stress of what you have been traversing must be immense and would be crippling to anyone, but you have persevered through it all. You are a shining example of strength to all of us. You are a lighthouse!
You H sounds like he is just as bad as ever. I am sorry to hear that he hasn't improved 1 inch. Actually, it sounds like he is worse. You do not deserve this and I admire the way you have handled yourself. Your children are so lucky to have you in their corner. And your efforts are paying off! They sound really good for all that H has put you guys through. You guys have all been through a lot, and it hasn't been easy. But to hear how well they are seeing things and holding up, that's all because of your efforts! You are an amazing person! I don't know how well anyone else would stand up in dealing with what you have endured. You deserve a medal for courage and bravery in the face of evil.
All the court proceedings sound like a mess. It's good that you have someone mediating for you so that you don't have to be part of every back and forth. You would think that at some point H would realize that the money he thinks he is holding out for is going to be smaller than what he actually owes. I just can't wrap my head around him not realizing that. The situation may be complex, but that is just simple math. Does H have any history of mental illness in his family? His actions are bizarre.
I hope that you are doing well, despite all of his antics. I hope you have been able to take some trips and do things that are gratifying to your soul. And I also hope the children were able to get back into school without any major disruptions.
-Don’t Quit- When times are hard, you might stop for a bit, But it’s not over until the moment you quit. On a river’s bridge, failures are the planks; Take one step at a time until you reach its banks.
Don’t give up on your dreams; chase them instead; You will find, one morning, as you wake up from bed, That you are the person about whom you dreamed, And you can reach great heights, impossible though it seemed.
When things go wrong and your back is to the wall, Try to stand up; no more can you fall. Life is full of ups and downs; take them in your stride. You will discover your little star hidden inside.
Oh gosh wow, just saw you posted here. So sweet! You were always the best cheerleader. I will update soon. But in short, yes, The Once-Upon-an-H is bonkers and wants to see me flattened or burned at the stake.
Oh my goodness, those goal posts keep getting moved back further and further. (((Hugs)))
A MLCer will use, and in the ugliest form of use, the legal system to foster their own misguided ends. They will threaten and/or take legal action, submit frivolous law suits, involve police, get restraining orders, and so on. Obviously each person is different and their perversion and twisting of the legal system will vary. My XW merely threaten me with calling the police, on New Year’s Day no less, if I did not immediately provide her with the last year Child Care income tax information from what was once our computer. Lol. The very first day of the new year. And income taxes aren’t due until April 30th, and forms aren’t even out at January 1.
However, your H is the epitome of this. He has threaten you, and twisted the legal system into so many knots, which you keep having to unravel. And he is on what, his third or fourth lawyer. Finally finding one that is willing to do and see things his way.
Overall, none of it has stuck. All these years and effort by H. And nothing. He is still racking up more on an already enormous legal bill, the house is still not sold, and he still hasn’t got equity from you or any sale. His motivations are deeply weird. An angry dog with a bone, he just won’t let go of his grudge or whatever is driving him.
Dust off my dear. See the new goal post placement. And keep moving forward.
This is only business, and your life is so much more than these wasteful efforts of H and his crew (GF, broker friend, etc.). Let your L deal with it, as much as you can. You continue to focus and live on more important things.
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