Hey, I had a rather long thread on separation till the end. But, I do want to ask about a boundary, a mental health one. I am still going to have thoughts due to be around kids and grands, about my ex. But, one thing in due time, I dont want to know about her dating etc. What is the best way to tell her that telling me about who she may be dating is something I dont want to know about, without upsetting her (cause it does matter as it may reflect onto the adult kids) She has a couple times mentioned dating, but she isnt a bragger. She is pretty private, as well as a workaholic. Thnx in advance
Morning. Its hard, but thanks. I once made comment to try and think about all the negative to help realize its time to go forward. I have removed all items, pics etc that remind me of her in my home. Slow process...Funny how our brain works, as it process's negative stuff more efficiently, probably so you know not to do it again. But, you dont forget. Time, and good philosophy, advice. The advice on this forum is great. Reading through it taking time, and overwhelming too.
As we go through this, we have goals and expectations of what we think is going to happen. We have hope that everything will work out the way we want it. We anticipate the reconciliation that may happen one day , and hopefully, we do the WORK toward being a different person IF that were to happen....
What can also happen is that we can confuse what we call 'standing' , into just simply 'waiting' for something, anything to happen. Mostly, we 'wait' for our wayward spouse to wake up one morning and realize that they miss us and rekindle their undying devotion to us. And when that doesn't happen, it can affect us deeply. All of the pain and hurt that we feel after the bomb resurfaces. it is just as fresh, and new as the first day that we heard it...
Because we never expected this to happen...
We never pictured that their happiness could possibly come from someone other than us...
When that reality slaps us in the face, it F-ing hurts again.
What I can tell you is this.....
All of this has always been a reality, her dating, her being with someone new, her being happy with someone new. It's always been the desired outcome of hers....and what SHE has worked towards..
She didn't do any of this to intentionally hurt you or cause you pain.
She did this for herself.
And no matter how much it hurts, none of this is new information....
It's always been an option and on the table...
It's how you process it and deal with it that matters...
It is hard, yet not impossible...
Feel the pain and hurt and work toward a positive future for you. One where you evict all of that hurt, anger, and resentment. They won't serve you well in your future.
And stop looking toward her for your answers...she doesn't have them. You are the only one that does...
You'll get there..just keep going.
I told you the other day to find your balance between being friends, and being friendly...
Just be yourself and tell her kindly that you really don't want to discuss each other's personal lives now that you're divorced. You hope she's happy, but you don't need or want to know anything else.
Yeah, it really is that simple...
Hey, you know, I was thinking of how I don't want to have discussions about what I am doing in my life, and who I am dating with you. So maybe we could BOTH feel that way, and I don't have to have discussions about yours either ? .....I'm glad that you are finding happiness, yet it doesn't serve me to hear about your adventures in dating.
Soo wordy. If/When she brings it up.
"Hey I'm not comfortable talking about dating with you"
You don't need to send a text out of the blue... in fact.. you might want to consider setting a boundary on yourself about only doing short conversations keeping it all business about the kids - if you haven't already.
I think some social engagement would really help. I get the sense you're alone quite a bit - travel around a lot for work and stay at home on your own when not.
What activities interest you? You mentioned hiking...maybe there's a local group to do that? If memory serves you took a cooking class with your daughter? Hiking, sports, art classes, cooking classes, volunteer activities...etc. Imo you need to figure out what you really like and get involved in an activity in that area and meet folks who share similar interests.
Well truth be told it doesn’t really mean anything one way or another. If it makes you feel better than just do it. It’s all about what makes Mach feel good right now.
No worries it’s weird stuff. I spent half my life with my ex and now we barely speak and when we do it’s all business. I’m at piece with it and you will be some day too.
You make a good point. I think my mind is still in the hopium phase. I waited for years to have her come back, when in reality she was already well on her way and moved on. So, I still try to be nice and am thinking of us getting back together..
Thank you for being honest and I already knew the answer to the question. I think this board can get people stuck sometimes. So just make sure you are not trying to punish her right now. Ultimately I think a friendship someday is best for your family.
I don't think not texting happy birthday to his ExW makes him a mean guy. Imo stopping those actions might help him start letting go and moving on.
I didn't say it made him a mean guy. I wanted him to think about why he isn't doing it. I don't do it because people who treat me badly don't get my time.
This board can get you stuck if you let it. Yes; I often say there is so much suffering on this board because everyone here is in love with a fantasy. They want their spouse/ex to be something they are not and that brings a lot of pain.
I have a theory, that things always work out for me. Maybe her not coming back is what was needed.
I fought like mad against the ending of my 24 year marriage. But now I wouldn’t go back and change it.
I learned to play the drums. I formed an amateur pop punk band and played with them for over five years. I learned to play glockenspiel and vibraphone. I toured several times with my best friend who is a professional singer songwriter and have met many famous musicians through her. I played on her last album.
I used to travel with my ex to fancy resorts while he gave medical lectures. Now I am the one giving medical lectures in my field and staying in fancy resorts.
Every man I have dated since my divorce has valued me more than my ex. While many of those relationships didn’t work out for one reason or another, they have all remained my good friends. I’ve had better sex with handsomer men since my divorce than at any point in my life, even better than my single twenties.
My relationships with my three adult kids are close and they tell me they love me all the time.
My post-divorce home is comfortable and decorated to my taste.
I have close, supportive friendships.
This wasn’t the path I chose, but once I learned to embrace the change, it has been a path I have been happy to be on.
Any other that you may know is close to mine? I was the major cause of it, and yet I never saw it. Was very comfortable in my mind set thinking everything would just magically work out, with zero real effort.
You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a dudes story is not the same. It's the little things with women. Listening, small acts of appreciation, leading. Keep doing those things and they can't get enough of you. Stop doing those things and they can't wait to see you go. Hard lessons are the ones that sick my friend.
I read this quote "But letting go is not giving up. You don't have to give up to let go. Letting go means that you become the picnic. The lighthouse. You are no longer moving TOWARDS them, but they know where you are and can move towards you if they ever decide to. The analogies of the picnic and the lighthouse are perfect metaphors for letting go (stop moving towards them!), but not giving up." I think this is for the DB envisioning her seeing what she has left, and will come back. Yep, I am a mess..
Mach I think the picnic and the Lighthouse analogies are great for the newbies who are spinning. If you are still looking at these analogies years down the road than you may be stuck. There are a lot of women looking for a good dude to spend some time with and appreciate him.
Sorry you're struggling. It's a process, especially considering how long you two were together. You're going to have ups and downs. You got some excitement about talking to a new woman and then thought about those rose colored glasses, but when that high went away you came down and thought about the "what ifs" and ExW's new relationship. The key is to be trending positive over time. It can be tough to let go. It's natural to want things between ExW and her new guy to fail. Eventually if you can focus on enjoying your life you won't worry about that as much over time.
