Just the same, I always welcome input from LH19, though he sounds like a high roller.
Yep I need more clarification on what you mean before I respond.
Lol. The "high roller" comment was just a half-arsed attempt at humor...meaning GALing for LH19 would probably be boating off Martha's Vineyard, jetting to Vegas, and buying a motorcycle. A lifestyle I couldn't exactly keep up with.
I know GALing doesn't have to be that ostentatious.
Hey LH19, do you happen to have any thoughts on what I wrote to Mach1 regarding the Five Love Languages book and W possibly being in the Words of Affirmation category? Do I even bother with that sort of thing or should I just treat W as a lost cause?
This is hilarious! The dude basically goes to the gym and drinks at his cottage
Stepson (18) is about to leave for college and his room and bed will come available. Will be interesting to see if W suggests one of us move in there. I certainly don't plan to give up the MBR, but I'm not really getting indications W will push for it for either of us. Having said that...if she does, that means things are even more on the way down. I guess we'll see!
You are a decisive person so I suggest deciding that you will not give up the MBR, instead of planning not to give it up. Giving up the MBR (actually scarificing it so that my son could sleep better) didn't work out well for me. Now I'm stuck outside while in limbo and it sends the wrong signals.
Ready2Change, you don't write as much about yourself. What's your ideal GAL? Maybe one of our personal GAL ideas will inspire Doug to try something new and exciting!
I was a little different when I arrived here in the fact that I was GAL already. I had to shift away from some of the solo activities to be more social activities. I am never bored.
Photography is my main hobby that ties into all the others. Can do it almost anytime or anywhere. I can take photos alone and ranging up to fully interacting with and photographing people at a wedding. Taking photos, processing, printing are all enjoyable.
Outdoors-Biking,hunting,fishing,hiking,camping,target shooting, archery. Typically go out for 10 day's on horseback archery hunting at the end of sept. Could easily leave the bow and just focus on the camera work.
While I was going through the divorce process and it was not my parenting time, I would frequently do dinners out alone. Interact with the staff. Movies alone. I would review the entertainment section of the paper and find live music to go check out. I avoided drinking alcohol, but would visit several of the local bars on my motorcycle. Play pool or sit by the fire drinking water.
I typically make it a point to meet new people when I go out.(180 from the old me). Pretty much ask a couple questions and listen for the rest of the night.
I believe we all need a balance between solo and social GAL. Balance between home and away.
If you have recently been leaning left, start leaning a little farther right for a bit. IE if you have been focused on your home life and one woman, get out their and just enjoy interacting with the ladies. Keep your boundaries. Can't beat putting smiles on several ladies throughout the day.
New friends and dinner parties. Theme nights---pasta thowdown...everyone makes their favorite pasta dish.
There are guided bike rides down pikes peak highway...It has been a minute, but I would go down Barr trail. 14 miles.
Scuba-diving anytime I get near the ocean.
Astronomy- never ending things to see in the sky...check out your local club.
Aquariums- Start up a saltwater reef tank...so much to enjoy. Check out the local club as well.
Chess - online or in person.
Start a garden, or some herbs in the window.
Rebuild an engine or transmission or do some body work on a classic car.
Doug if I had one piece of advice for LH19 of 8 years ago it would be I can’t change the past but I can change the future. Who gives one fuch what W is doing this is the person/partner I want to be moving forward.
I think the number one challenge for newbies is to understand they have little to zero control and understanding what we mean when we say it’s a marathon and not a sprint.
YOU burn every ounce of fuel that you have inside of you....every day, then you recharge and begin anew tomorrow...
Quitting now allows you to be a victim of her behavior. And that doesn't sound like you....
She carried this marriage on her back for how long ??
And you want to give up after a few months ?
Puss
: )
I get what you're saying but I'm supposed to green-light EAs and W being emotionally distant because those interactions are being directed toward some other douche?
What if that is really what is happening ??
What then ?
Is that your dealbreaker ??
Can you walk away with zero regrets ??
Originally Posted by Doug54
Originally Posted by Mach1
Who gives a flying fcku what she's doing...
What are YOU doing ??
You make your way through this with your GAL....
You also get through this by spending an enormous amount of time inside of your own head...
You own your crap, you work through the 'sting' moments, you invest in things that complete you.
You don't let her actions define who you want to be....
You act "as if" everything is going to work out the way you hope that it will.
I always knew without a doubt, that my situation would work out the way that I wanted it to. Right up until I decided later that it wouldn't. And THAT was still my decision....
What goals do you have for you. Not the marriage......YOU ???
What are you doing differently than you have in the past ??
Because 'standing' doesn't mean standing still, and with that mindset, you are simply 'waiting'...
I'm being who I want to be...but that guy might want to be with someone else if all I'm going to get is crumbs. I'm doing tons differently. I'm living my best life and starting to embrace it even more with each passing day. At 43 I've set a slew of personal bests in the gym. I would like it to work out with W, but I'm not a martyr.
What does working it out mean to you ??
Not a glossed over version either...
What does that look like ??
Kudos on the personal best at the gym....
DBing, is striving for a personal best at life...
THAT is what I'm looking forward to issuing Kudos on....
Originally Posted by Doug54
Originally Posted by Mach1
DO NOT let her off the hook for this...
Ok, this one threw me a little....don't let her off the hook for her EA and texting or whatever she has going on?
This response intentionally left blank....for now...
Originally Posted by Doug54
Originally Posted by Mach1
Same thing we discussed a while back....
You are either in, or you are out.
I would hate for you to be sitting on your porch down the road, wondering "if only".....
What do you recommend? If I stay in, what does that entail?
I'm gonna start off by asking you this....
What does fully embracing DB mean to you ??
What does that look like ???
Sigh....
Look, I'm not gonna get all preachy with you here..
You appear to be around the 5-6 month mark. I haven't posted to anyone yet, that around that time mark, hasn't become frustrated and wanted to quit because the reality of their situation is starting to sink in.
There is an anger that they can't control their spouse...
There is a fear that divorce will become their new future label...
There is a fear of judgement from friends and family because of a divorce...
There is a frustration that essentially, we can't have "our way", and things just won't go back to normal.
We envision our spouse coming home one day, and having make up sex and everything goes back to what it once was.
We can slip back into being an asshat, and all patterns return to normal, and we never have to look into that mirror, and realize the issues that have plagued us for years....
We can go back to being angry, frustrated, and controlling. Letting passive aggressive behaviors control the free will of another human being...
Because doing anything different scares the bejeesus out of us....
Around that timeframe is when you define your stand, and what that stand means to you....
You define who you will become on the other side of this...and define who you are through this.
Truthfully ? Most 'guys' can't get past their own machoism and the perception that they need to get laid, and give up...
Looking in the mirror is too hard, and requires total honesty within themselves, something that has often been missing throughout their lives....
We define our vows, and what they mean to us, and who we want to be through them....
Better or worse...right ?
Fcuk man......anyone can do the 'better'....
It's the 'worse' that defines who we are...
Richer or poorer ?
Anyone can do the 'richer'
Who are you when you don't have two nickels to rub together ?
Sickness and health ??
Anyone can do 'health'
It's who you are when sickness invades you...
You DB because you choose to DB, and nobody else can define that for you...
What do your vows mean to you ??
F her man.....
YOU ??
Although you said them to her, they are for you, what you vowed to do regardless if she is sitting on your lap giving you a happy ending, or she is texting ILY to the f-ing garbage man...
It's your commitment TO her....no matter what....
So your choice....in or out..
You said you wanted in, yet I didn't believe your answer then, because you didn't believe it either...
Standing is YOUR choice....
Limbo is YOUR choice...
Loving her is YOUR choice...
So to answer the above....
Standard issue WAS playbook, chapter 3, paragraph 14...
"I wish you would just go find someone to make you happy "
When that happens, depending on your answer to the above, YOU essentially, let her off the hook...
You relieve every ounce of her remorse, guilt, and you justify her excuse for wanting out.....
