I politely explained that this was the path I wished to take
Good.
Originally Posted by Doug54
but she cornered me to say that I was being arrogant in not going.
She clearly has resentment. Just stay calm and firm.
Originally Posted by Doug54
She furthered that with a statement about wanting out and this counselor helped with that process.
You don't need a counselor to get divorced.
Originally Posted by Doug54
I was mostly successful with a 180 of not returning fire and validated her feelings
Good!
Originally Posted by Doug54
but it kept turning to me "having options" (family nearby to move in with)
That's her problem. Seriously. She wants to divorce you. Just because you have family nearby doesn't mean she gets special treatment. Stand up for yourself and your rights, regardless of whose family lives closer. Do not move out.
Originally Posted by Doug54
and that I didn't get to keep her in this marriage.
She's right. That's her decision.
Originally Posted by Doug54
I gestured toward the door and said I wasn't stopping her, but I didn't want the breakup of the family on my conscience.
So the first part of this is good...if you didn't do it with any attitude. The second part is a little pressure/blaming. Maybe an "That's not what I want, but I won't stop you." But overall much better than most LBSs/newbies.
Originally Posted by Doug54
That was followed with talk of her having to get a lawyer and how this process would be "more expensive than it has to be" - not sure if this meant a separation or officially filing, which is a little purposeless in my state if you're not separated yet.
Most of these stiches end up involving lawyers. Things just escalate. I don't have any official stats, but seems like most aren't just handled easily between the two parties.
Originally Posted by Doug54
I said I understood that she felt frustrated but that I didn't plan to leave my own house.
Perfect!!! Well done.
Originally Posted by Doug54
She does not have the means to move out and her family is hours away. The kids will be starting school soon, which has always been a two-parent process in our household (mom= morning; dad = afternoon).
Again, her problem. She wants to divorce you. Part of that is her moving out, handling the financial impacts, handling the logistics of kids school and activities. All she sees is the happiness of running through the field free and careless to the world. At some point realities are going to kick in for her - don't protect her from those realities. She'll have to deal with them.
Originally Posted by Doug54
I'm just not sure how tense it may get around here.
It might get a lot more tense. Are you strong enough to rise above, keep your head up, and go about enjoying your life?
Originally Posted by Doug54
I know I shouldn't surmise her thought process or inclinations, but I almost wonder if just going to the MC session would calm the waters for now. Not to act in a co-dependent way, but I'd prefer the kids not be subject to further arguing.
Plenty of us have recommended against MC unless she's fully bought into working on the marriage, but ultimately you're going to have to choose what to do.
Doug54 - I think you're doing real relative to most LBSs. Hang in there and stay strong.
Would appreciate some advice here if possible. Was sucked into a relationship talk a short while ago. W is really amped up about this next MC appointment that I planned to skip, to focus on IC. I politely explained that this was the path I wished to take, but she cornered me to say that I was being arrogant in not going. She furthered that with a statement about wanting out and this counselor helped with that process.
I was mostly successful with a 180 of not returning fire and validated her feelings, but it kept turning to me "having options" (family nearby to move in with) and that I didn't get to keep her in this marriage. I gestured toward the door and said I wasn't stopping her, but I didn't want the breakup of the family on my conscience.
Maybe ease off of the guilt with her.
It's okay to let her live her decisions by letting her know that you have no plans to move, yet maybe not point out to her about breaking up the family....
It just seems a little vindictive. No matter how true it might be.
IF there is hope of having anything in the future, her feeling judged will NOT point you toward that direction...
Seems pretty simple though....
I would like to pursue IC for now, when that changes, I will let you know...
Originally Posted by Doug54
That was followed with talk of her having to get a lawyer and how this process would be "more expensive than it has to be" - not sure if this meant a separation or officially filing, which is a little purposeless in my state if you're not separated yet. I said I understood that she felt frustrated but that I didn't plan to leave my own house.
For now, don't try and borrow trouble from the future.
You never know how this will play out, just focus on you for now....
Don't get sukced into any conversations that you aren't ready to have...
Don't ring any bells that can't be un-rung...
And don't ask any questions that you really don't want answered....
Originally Posted by Doug54
She does not have the means to move out and her family is hours away. The kids will be starting school soon, which has always been a two-parent process in our household (mom= morning; dad = afternoon). I'm just not sure how tense it may get around here. I know I shouldn't surmise her thought process or inclinations, but I almost wonder if just going to the MC session would calm the waters for now. Not to act in a co-dependent way, but I'd prefer the kids not be subject to further arguing.
From what I've seen....things will more than likely get worse before they can get any better...
I've likened it to a Space Shuttle analogy...
When they would launch the Shuttle, they had these booster tanks attached to them because of the amount of fuel they consumed during lift off....
Once they ascended to the desired altitude and the fuel was used, the tanks would fall away....
Think of this right now, as that....
Her anger (the tanks) is her fuel to "push away" from you, the marriage, friends, family, and whoever doesn't support her decisions.
The harder it is to get off of the ground, the more fuel(anger) she will burn trying to lift off...
Things aren't great in her head right now either, and the anger allows her to paint you in an undesirable position.
There will be things that she says that will not be entirely true, yet to her, they are VERY true...
Thing is...
YOU get to choose what is true to you also...
And the difference??
The things that send that little 'sting" up the back of your neck ??
Those are the things that you typically don't like about yourself....
Those are the things that you dig deep inside of yourself to change...
D.....this didn't break in a day, and it won't be fixed in a day....
For now, just try and take care of yourself....
And remember that you will never talk your way out of something that you acted your way into.....
Set some goals for YOU....
Find something new that you have always wanted to do....
Dude, I thought you were like a simulation or a bot or something. Everything you posted in my thread sounded like a fortune cookie. Now I can see there's a real, breathing Mach1 walking around somewhere! Amazing.
I'm sorry you had to live through all that. Your EXW sounds like William H. Macy's wife in Boogie Nights (no offense - just the thought of 3 affairs...cripes). I can relate to the overanalyzing, though I've mostly conditioned myself to stop here in month #4. Like you mentioned, I want to improve my communication and response skills. I played a role in the marriage being where it is today, whether or not I want to insist that W was and is prime MLC material.
I can't imagine two years of this on my end. I know you posed the question to me if W was worth the wait, but I feel like things are trending downward. Not to say I'm living my life hinging on every word and action from W...just that the quality quotient of the marriage [censored] balls. Kind of like where you describe your wife talking if she felt the need, but not much deeper than that. We're not quite there yet, but hovering above such communication.
The choice I'm making, as I told Iron Will, is to stand for now and just try to take things day by day. The tenable nature of things for the kids also makes leaving difficult. I guess it's not torture in the house while I'm also trying to reinvent Doug...
Yea....
I came to the boards in a different way....
Bomb was in '07...
I spent the first 8 months of my sitch just reading because I couldn't log in due to firewall schidt at work, and of course nothing at home with a live in....
I came home one night and my ex had taken the kiddos and went to visit family 6 hours away, so everything was pretty quiet for the first time in over 15 years...
I remember the feeling of " F this....if this is truly the plan for me"....
I remember going outside and screaming at God to give me every Fing thing he had, because I wanted to know my breaking point....
the next morning, I was reading through some threads and right in front of me was an email addy for JackThreeBeans, that if anyone needed to talk 'off boards' to please contact him....
That changed my life....
By the time I was able to post, there wasn't much going on in my life except the work on me....
Sooooo....
My first 4400 or so posts have been about helping others here....
And the reason I never had any threads here (until recently)...
Hopefully that has worked a little....
In my 14 years here, I've had the pleasure of helping a dozen or so marriages reconcile, yet better than that, I've helped many people reconcile with themselves...
I have found that with newcomers....Shorter bulleted responses go over better....
Typically there is an information overload, and their eyes gloss over with the longer more explanatory posts...
So short and to the point until the brain stops shakin around a bit....
Plus...you don't really need me to tell you how to live your everyday life.
Next thing you know, you will be posting here asking if you should buy Charmin or Angel Soft...F that...
I tend to post more philosophical stuff, and allow you to THINK, and come to your own conclusions about your life....
MLC theory...
WAS theory...
LBS theory....
What's the line Cadet ???
I couldn't imagine two years either....at that time....
Looking at two years when you are in it, isn't a pleasant thought....
IF you look at it as a whole, you will fail....
Just never eat an elephant whole...you eat it bite by bite...
However that was MY thing...doesn't have to be yours...
Yet you DO have to make a choice......
And stop allowing her to tell you who the F you are.....
