1st post. I don’t know where to put this post. I’m guessing moderators will move it to the right place. I hope they don’t delete it as I need help. I’m in such pain. I know my post is ridiculous. I’m focusing too much on the OW. 😔
I am Theia. My MLC H of 20 years lives at home but he’s MLC so not happy. He’s undeniably selfish. Doesn’t care about my feelings, only has enough time to put himself first. Admits this, saying he gave and gave for years so now it’s his turn to be first. Yet sometimes he’s kind, considerate. He makes dinner for me, us several times a week. (I’ve been told by people this is bad! Don’t allow this as he has an OW. A lot about the OW below. Let me know your thoughts on this. Btw, I don’t do H laundry or anything else. He takes care of himself, I take care of me. I will cook for us, as he cooks for us.) H was great on my birthday in April, Mother's Day in May he made special. Twice in the last 2 months he referred to me as Wife & him as Husband. But as we know, as we are here, I am here, H is MLC. 7yrs MLC with a 3 1/2 yr unreciprocated Limerence EA with a co-worker that is using him. H knows he’s in MLC, sometimes. Other times he says he thinks it’s a convenient excuse, that he’s just unhappy with our marriage, with our family, with our house, with his life. Says we took all his money. Script. I know I’m going to be told off by people here for not detaching, for not dropping the rope, for talking to my H about our relationship and MLC. This morning I got upset while H & were talking. Same reason: OW. I’m doing everything wrong now after keeping it all bottled up inside for months before H knew I knew about OW, about his lies. It’s SO hard when your MLC’er lives at home, works from home and you hear him talking to OW knowing he’s getting his Limerence hit. H said again today he’s not willing to give her up yet. Maybe 3 mos, maybe 6mos. He’s due to retire in 2 years so it can’t go past that as OW only talks to H for work. I’m jealous that with me he’s miserable, unhappy, but any contact from her and he feels that high, is happy for whatever short time he speaks to her or even gets work messages from her. It’s always about work. OW is not interested in H. He went to India earlier this year, telling me he was going there to work. But it was a lie. He went there to see her, the OW. To give it one last try. She largely ghosted him while he was there, seeing him only 3x. Once with her fiancé, twice with her extended family. When she did see him she stood away from him. I’ve seen the photos, read the messages. He booked a beach resort in Goa for Valentine’s week while there as she said a year earlier she always wanted to go. She didn’t go. He messaged her 2 days prior to pack her bags, she didn’t reply, then 12 hours before the flight she told him she couldn’t get off work. But her extended family all went, at H expense. Opportunistic Con artists, the lot of them! (I worry how much of our money H has given/spent on OW & her extended family.) H admitted he knows she was never going to go. He knows she is not interested in him, but he still wants to talk to her, even just about work, as he gets the high and he feels happy. Limerence chemicals are more addictive than heroin. H used to be a smart man. But not now when it comes to OW. H told me a co-worker approached him to warn him about OW, saying she had accused two co-workers of sexual harassment and had them fired! I was stunned. I asked H when that was? H said 2 to 2 1/2 YEARS ago. I said And still you continued? H said She wouldn’t do that to me. 😧 I know it’s H problem, OW is on his page. I know it’s not real love. He will never have her but it hurts so badly. I didn’t do this to him. I am not the cause of his MLC. I’ve experienced so much pain, loss, crisis in my life and now this too. Sorry for the pity party on Aisle 5. 🙁
To answer how I know he’s 7yrs MLC. There are photo evidence of his obsession with his OW/LO going back to January 2019. Before that photos of our family, after photos of her. So I assumed MLC around 2018. Late May 2022 H caught me spying on his phone. He Monstered. Threatened to get solicitor. I said one word: India. And watched H face fall. He knew he was caught. A week passed, H laying in bed staring at the wall, looking terrified. I kept waiting for an apology. I finally spoke up, asked why he had not apologised for lying, for India, for OW? H said he was waiting for me to serve him. He sounded like a little boy. Curled in a ball, afraid. Then H told me there is something wrong with him. Did I know what is wrong with him? I sat there unmoving. Stunned. He knows. H said Please T tell me. You know don’t you? I thought We are told to never talk about MLC. Please T. So I told him, expecting H to reject it, monster. He didn’t. I told him there are stages. Asked if he wanted me to read them? Yes. About 3/4 through I asked if he wanted me to continue? Yes. He said Acceptance sounds complicated and made up with its arches & fields. H asked what stage I think he’s at? I said Withdrawal/Depression. H said he thinks that’s right. I said I think you are 4 years MLC. H said longer. Then he named a specific event in our family’s past July 2015 when he started to feel bad. The excruciating death from cancer of our lovely brother in law 7 years ago. I’ve since looked back at family photos in the months before and after and you can see H happy before, joy in his eyes, and after you can see his decline. He’s aged 20 years in 7 years. 😢 MLC has been brutal to my H. The death 7 years ago wasn’t the cause. The cause was childhood trauma. The death 7yrs ago was the final tipping point along with the horrible painful deaths also by cancer of my H parents years before. Sometimes H, my H appears and he quietly tells me things. I don’t ask, he just starts talking and I listen. In the last 2 1/2 mos I’ve been privileged to hear him acknowledge 3 medical issues he’s been denying for years. I am really proud of him. I made our marriage a safe place. I am his person. I think he may be dipping into Acceptance a bit? But maybe only a bit, not that I wouid really know. Just guessing. Hoping. He doesn’t talk to OW about personal things. He’s tried, I saw the texts, overheard one conversation, but she shuts him down. Not interested in his problems or his story, just in what he can do for her. He asked her for a favour a few months back, saying to her as he does so many favours for her maybe he couid ask her for a favour? Can she tell him how to make ginger tea? (He’d had it in India.) OW typed back telling H to look on YouTube. !!! I’m not his therapist. I know this is his crisis. I also know he will not speak to anyone else, refuses therapy, counselling, coaching. Refuses to see a doctor about his depression. I asked if he would take Tryptophan, which he’s been taking 2x a day for 6 weeks, says it’s helping a bit. He’s on the spectrum and talking about emotions, vulnerable, personal things is more than difficult for him so it’s me that he has or no one. I guess that’s why he’s still at home. I know I’m too close. Too involved. Too emotional. I’m a mess. And that makes me very unattractive to my H. I get upset while OW stays calm. Of course OW stays calm. She doesn’t care about H. Has NO idea what’s going on. Doesn’t know H is in MLC. Doesn’t know she’s his LO. Knows nothing about Limerence. She doesn’t care! And she doesn’t know her existence is deeply affecting my marriage. I want to tell her but know I can’t tell her, all hell would break loose with H and H needs to take care of his own messes. I know I’m “lucky” my H OW is an unrequited long distance EA. I am grateful for that. I’m such a lightweight, it’s embarrassing. It is not lost on me that H brain chose an unavailable woman 5,000 miles away to be his LO. I wonder why, as does H. He wonders if he knew he would never been able to cheat? I know it seems like H talks a lot. No, he doesn’t. But when he talks, comes out of the fog tunnel, he talks a long time. Once 8 hours. But only in the last month. 📆
One last thing. Two weeks ago H & I were in our bedroom. H was working on his laptop, we were talking, family stuff. I heard H clear his throat weirdly, I looked at him, H did this insistent motion with his arm towards the door as he said “Work call” in such a way that I didn’t feel welcome in my own bedroom. I felt devalued & disrespected. I was so shocked I just left, though I wish I’d spoken up. I stood outside the door and heard H tone change. He told her He “would help her. Go into the office the next day, find a desk away from others and could stay late if she wanted.” I reacted, I don’t know, maybe badly, maybe ok. I have lost perspective, lost belief in myself, which is upsetting as I’m actually a pretty Bad A$$ Lady that’s been through & mastered some difficult stuff in my life, a lot in the last 10 years. I moved H to the downstairs guest room the next day. H Monstered. Again said he’d get a solicitor. He didn’t. He’s now been down in the guest room 2 weeks, 2 days. He hates it in the guest room. But knows my feelings about OW. And that he behaved appallingly! Maybe instead of taking the drastic step to move him I should have put boundaries in place, NO talking to OW in our bedroom. I know at this point she’s not exiting his life, not just because H won’t get rid of her but because H works with her, she’s on his team, and H is on contract. If he asks she be moved to another team it’s a red flag. Same if he asks to be moved. And he’s almost 64, so job prospects are slim. Am I being smart by putting in this boundary or am I stupid? Should I let H know it’s ok to come back to our room with boundaries in place? Wait this out. Limerence can’t last forever can it? Work related calls & messages only from what I’ve seen. Should I support him deciding to move out? (This morning H spoke about maybe talking to his brother, moving to his brothers. H really dislikes his brother.) Should I just say nothing? Or should I follow his lead. This is all making it sound like H is in charge. Like I have no say. No power. I made a move to protect myself. It was the right thing to do. Boundaries! H is a Low Energy Wallower, if you follow types from the Hero’s Spouse website. He’s not a really decisive person. He has said he wants us to sell our house to our daughter, I stay here and he moves to his own small quiet empty flat/apartment while he gets his head sorted. Then maybe I can join him in the future. That just feels like he wants to get rid of me. But that’s MLC H, likely MLC Monster that wants to have their own place free of wife, family, house, all the things the script narrative said was the cause of H unhappiness. MLC lies. Right? Plus having his own place meaning H could speak to OW without being overheard by wifey. Not that she wouid talk to him any more than now. I feel he’s wanting me to tell him what to do but I won’t do that, I won’t be blamed for kicking him out. If he leaves it’s his decision, he owns it. I worry if he leaves that will be it, he’ll never return. Marriage over. But isn’t it over now anyway? He’s not himself. But I also know sometimes, or for just about all, they need to leave to progress. I miss my husband. He was a wonderful man. He loved me. Loved our family. I miss his jokes. He always made me laugh. This selfish guy occupying H body ain’t him. I ask the Universe daily to not let me get in my H way to healing. I dearly hope H makes it through and we reconnect. I want to be ready. So I know I need to work on me. I need to get out of my own way to healing as well. I have a list of things to do for me I need to push my unhealthy worry & fear & control re my H MLC & OW out of the way to make myself my priority. ❤️
This crisis is the latest crisis in our family going on 10 years. One after the other. I’m emotionally, physically, spiritually exhausted. I know I must step back, put myself 1st and let go of my husbands MLC. Anyone here have an at home MLC’er that reached Acceptance that never left home that can tell me how you did it? How did you handle Withdrawal? Detach? 🤷🏼♀️
Thank you for reading my long & winding post. I’m having a rough day so if you could be kind when you respond I’d really appreciate that a whole lot. 🙏🏻🥹
I also had a long period of stress prior to the discovery of my XH AP. It is really hard going through all of this when you are already emotionally and physically exhausted. But, it sounds like you are doing many of the right things to move forward. I do have some suggestions for you, and hope that they help you or give you some more ideas.
Originally Posted by Theia
H wanted action, Money. This wasn’t a situation where I could listen and validate. “I hear you. I understand. That must be difficult.” That would have led to Monstering: “Are you giving me the money or not? See, I knew you weren’t really committed. You aren’t really my partner.” etc. Unless I gave him the money, No matter what I would have done, said, reacted, not reacted, ran, would have had the same conclusion: Monstering.
What is hard to understand with an MLC spouse is that they are going to monster regardless of what you do. In many ways, it’s like dealing with a child. They will throw a tantrum if they are not getting their way. You can remain calm and not engage, or you can engage and tell them to stop. Regardless they will continue to tantrum because they will do and say anything to try to get their way. But…if you do not engage and remain calm, it can ‘starve’ them of some of the fuel. Also, not engaging but validating is for you. It’s not to try to prevent them from monstering. You can’t control their behavior. You can only control yours. So by not engaging/arguing and by simply validating, you take away most of the fuel. You can further protect yourself by leaving the room. Your engaging (or writing the letter) may seem like its helping you feel better, but I’d argue that it’s keeping you longer in the stress of the moment than you would have been if you detached and went and did something that helped you to feel better. You need to provide the calm you seek for yourself. Your MLC’er will not.
I know it’s hard to do…and it’s hard to not express yourself when confronted. I struggled with this as well. But, what I came to realize is that I couldn’t be logical with someone who isn’t being logical. And, after a while, I also realized that I really wasn’t heard anyway. Because the MLC’er is lost in their own heads. They only care about what they need and want. They don’t really care what you have to say. So I found that using that energy for my own self care was a way to help with my stress. Once I stopped engaging, I felt so much better. And more in control of my own path.
Yes, you live in the same house and that is going to make it very hard to find calm and peace if your H is monstering all of the time. What you can do is to make time for yourself away from the house. Spend as much time away as you can doing things that bring you joy or provide the calm you seek. And when at home, spend time in separate rooms.
As you mentioned, your thread may not provide all the details about how often these stressors are occurring and also may not show all the things you are doing right. So, I don’t want to sound like I’m giving you a hard time. But what you did provide expresses a lot of engagement, relationship talks, and other actions that are not going to help your situation. Have you read the DB books? I see you also followed Laura Doyle. I read her books as well. But I found that her approaches do not work as well with an MLC spouse.
Truth is, the MLC spouse that is still in replay sees the LBS in a very negative way. They are projecting everything that is wrong on you to justify what they are doing and to justify their selfishness. You cannot reason with crazy or with someone who doesn’t care what you feel. So, DBing is about detaching and putting the focus on yourself. You mention you are doing this a lot, but your posts so far show mostly how your have been trying to reason with your H or express your anger towards him. Sure, it will happen that we will mess up…and that is okay. Just get back onto the horse and keep moving forward and try again. This is his journey and you have to let him move through it. He may never come out of it or end the AF. You can be the lighthouse and stand for him while putting your focus on yourself and your needs while validating his experience. And yes, give yourself grace. This is an awful and painful journey. I’m sorry it happening to you.
I think what I’m saying is I struggle to implement. I guess I want my cake too. My cake is I want peace in my home and to disengage from MLC H but worry there won’t be peace if I disengage. I feel responsible for making sure the house stays calm. That our grandsons & granddaughter don’t experience Monstering.
I can relate to how you feel this way. I felt this way about my relationship and XH as well. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells and that there was nothing I could do right. So I felt worse. Like I wasn't good enough. That I wasn't doing enough. The truth was there in front of me, but it took a long time for me to see it. I was never going to do enough. This is because his behavior is his responsibility. The truth is that you can be nice and play house or you can disengage, and either way if he wants to monster he will. And he may not care if the grandchildren hear/see it. At its most basic, these monstering behaviors are selfish and self-centered behaviors. They are responding to their own pain, which overrides anything else.
I understand wanting to protect your grandchildren. I don't recall you mentioning whether their parent(s) also live in the house. Are the children under your responsibility and care or are they just visiting? Are they able to stay elsewhere during periods where your H is acting out? I'm not suggesting any of these things, I'm just trying to understand your situation and its complexity.
I 'played house' with my XH for about six months while he was actively involved in his EA. We slept in separate rooms but shared meals and I did the laundry because I'm protective of my clothes. To make things more 'roommate' like he was also responsible for making dinners sometimes and such. I avoided most conversations but was civil and not overly friendly when we did discuss necessities. It felt like old times in many ways. But overall, our relations became closer to roommates than partners.
If you continue to play the role of wife, letting H sleep in a shared bed, making him dinner, and catering to his needs and moods, then you are enabling his cake eating. Why should he end his affair? What are the consequences or boundaries around what is fair to you? How is feeling this overwhelming responsibility or walking on eggshells good for you? What is fair to your grandchildren? They see and absorb more than you think. You are right, it's not an easy walk. You want to stand for your marriage, but part of that could be that he can't have both you and the AP. The key is to stop being there for him to confide in about life and such, stop doing things for him, and stop sharing a bed with him, and other wifely things. You can't nice him back (to provide the quote said to me on this forum). And being nice is no incentive for him to end his AF. He gets the best of both worlds with no consequences!
What you can do is share responsibilities with meals, laundry, and the grandkids equally. Be friendly but not warm in your interactions, stop being his confidant (keep conversations around necessities and nothing deep), avoid ALL relationship talks, and stop doing anything extra for him or to make him more comfortable. Go out and live your life without including him as much as possible. Be a roommate, not a wife or friend. If he doesn't already know that he can't have you and this OW at the same time, make that clear, then set your boundaries with consequences. If he monsters and misbehaves, then you may need to establish stronger boundaries, such as he may need to leave. From everything I have read, standing for your marriage is not putting up with the AF, and/or standing by playing wife while waiting for them to end it. It's letting H know that he can't have both, dropping the rope, and waiting to see if H returns to you. I stood for a while for my MR. But my XH did not end his affair and I also moved forward with D to protect my finances. And honestly, after detaching, I realized that I no longer want the MR I had...that most of it was centered around his needs even long before the AF. I deserve better. But I couldn't see any of that until I detached. It's only after you detach can you really stand for yourself and decisions become less tied to emotions and trauma.
I'm not familiar with a specific book about MLC. I found Hearts Blessing's articles helpful. I focused more on books that would support my own journey instead. The truth is you can only modify or influence your behavior. There is no magic bullet to help him snap out of what he is going through. Your focus should be on your life and your health and things you can control. Everything he does is not your responsibility or fault. These are decisions and choices he is making.
