I'm a longtime lurker, finally posting for the first time. We've been married 9 yrs, together 14. My STBXH dropped the bomb in 2019 after being increasingly cold toward me for about 6 months and was going out with people about a decade younger than him. This was preceded by years of extremely difficult schedules due to medical career (career hours that were temporary, but unfortunately a total of 6 yrs of stress and limited time outside of work).
He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be married, that he was constantly disappointed with how much I was working and felt like I hadn't been emotionally available and then I found some texts from him to a woman 10 yrs younger that played sports with him. He was searching for apartments to move into by himself and seemed to be having an EA with, after I confronted him multiple times about it he finally admitted he was interested in her and he wasn't sure if she returned his feelings. Well it turned out she wasn't interested in him, but was dating his friend.
I started my DB'ing journey - I found a ton of guidance with the vets here and did my best to GAL, stop putting pressure, becoming the type of person you'd want to be with. I tried to undo the damage - feeling I hadn't respected him enough nor his career (our marriage took a hit when he almost was arrested and I had to pay for his rent, lawyer fees, etc), tried to show him how much I really cared about him, gave him all the freedom he wanted to hang out with friends and would cheer him on at his work's sports games.
He started IC, refused MC as he wanted to "work on himself", then finally agreed to do MC as well. Then pandemic happened and we spent a lot more time together, seemed like things were going better/partial R, but he never had remorse for his one sided EA. He finally invited me out with his friends, we would do trips and sports teams together.
He also struggled to fully commit, and we had talked about starting a family within the next 1-2 yrs, but he couldn't commit to a true time frame which was tough because I had a limited time to be able to have children due to a prior surgery. His reasons were he didn't feel ready, he was worried I would work too much.
Eventually despite birth control I became pregnant - he wanted me to terminate, I said I couldn't do that, and he was very resentful. He had me hide the pregnancy until he felt "ready" so I hid it for 5 months, at that time it was definitely going to impact my career, so STBXH told me he was going to leave after helping for 1-2 mos post birth.
He seemed to turn around after the baby because he really bonded with him, and stopped talking about leaving (I heard him admit to his friends that at first "he was not having it" but was so happy now, he told me that he was going to leave before "but things are different now") but at the 2 month mark he met a yoga instructor at his studio and he started leaving for 8-12 hrs at a time. He wouldn't answer when I asked what she was to him. Eventually it culminated in him coming back super late, I was upset about it, and he said he no longer wanted to do this anymore, he was leaving as he didn't want to be restricted in going hiking/climbing/to the gym and he was starting to resent the baby. He wanted a divorce.
I was cleaning the den and found a picture he put on display of him and this other woman; apparently this was the woman he was going hiking with. He admitted to having feelings for her after I confronted him again. I told him he needs to get over his MLC and he accused me of "only being capable of black and white thinking".
At this point I felt like the home we shared was tainted so moved to a really cute smaller home with the baby in a fun part of town where we can go on walks. STBX comes by every 1-2 wks or so, usually when I ask him to so I can do a work/social event and have a break. He doesn't reach out much otherwise. I've filed for divorce; he's completed paperwork and he's not trying to go after me financially, we came up with a pretty fair agreement that leaves our assets intact.
I'm struggling to move on, wondering if I should even still try (we do have fun together as a family and when I hang out with his family nearby). His sister came in town a few weeks ago and all of us hung out and it was a really nice time. His family has voiced their support, but I know at the end of the day STBX is their son/family member.
Thanks for reading. My friends/family obviously want me to move on.
Me: 36 Him: 35 T 14 M 9 S 6 mos BD #1 5/2019 EA #1 BD #2 11/2021 BD #3 3/2022 EA #2
Thanks R2C! I read that post a while back actually. It gave me a lot of inspiration. I'll do so again.
To be honest, coming here and sharing my story with an extremely pro marriage group has given me a lot of reflection and introspection and peace, even from just this small thread. I really appreciate all of your candidness and honesty. This really hasn't been a good relationship in a long time. I've been really sacrificing my own hopes wants and needs to appease someone who can't even figure out what he wants. I deserve more than that. My son definitely does.
Thank you for the differing views, I appreciate the responses! Agreed the kiddo is #1, and agreed it's also important to not put my life fully on pause. That being said I have no immediate plans to have men over to my place, not just for the safety of my baby and I, but also I don't feel the need to rush into anything. I'm pretty happy where we're at but I have the dating FOMO I guess. It's kind of like (and I acknowledge how foolish and petty this is) if ex can develop feelings for someone else enough to be like "i'm out" why can't I? Of course that's not fair to anyone in this but it does make me, I don't know, hope I could feel that way about someone else soon.
In regards to GAL and not just sitting around: Fortunately I have an awesome tribe of women, some of whom have also been divorced, and I've been able to rely on them for fun outside of work - we've taken the baby to a couple breweries, wineries, my friends' houses, restaurants, wherever. I also have a close male colleague who surprisingly had a WAW, he has a 3 year old, so the two of us hang out with our kiddos. (Not romantically!) I'm really lucky to have close friends at work and we're able to take breaks and go for coffee, lunch, etc. My family lives in another state but are also incredible and would fly down at the drop of a hat if I needed them to. I really want to acknowledge the amazing people in my life making me be much more stable/strong than I would be otherwise. I think I'll take up sailing lessons soon or scuba diving since those are bucket list items. Thanks again for the GAL advice, both on my thread and others' that I'd been reading for the past few years at this point.
The ex is here today actually since he hasn't seen the kiddo in a few weeks (COVID, also whatever else he does). He found an apartment, and while I know everything truly is real (divorce papers are in, lawyers are in, court date set, blah blah) it just feels so weird having the person who seems like pre-MLC fog husband here but it's not him, you know? Because this guy who's being nice and caring and loving time with our son still just walks out the door and has no plans to be a family again.
Then while he's here I can't help but to think - am I crazy? Clingy? Is everyone else on this board dealing with a WAW/WAH and I just 'can't let go'?
But then I look back at him being like "I don't want to be a father, I'm going to go on trips with my young friends, and try to hook up with 25 yr olds, and quit my job and become a personal trainer" and think ok maybe it's not all just in my head. Also the stuff he did while in the relationship - diminish me to not being as fun as his friends or not being as deep as him, accuse me of 'always thinking he would cheat on me' (which was never the case but he was falling into the EA at that time so obviously some projection), the abrupt change from kind/normal husband to cold shoulder/insulting/ditch me etc, maybe it's not just all in my head.
Who knows. But I'm like a ping pong ball, hoping he'll turn around to hoping i'll find someone else to thinking there IS noone else to thinking I don't want to be with him and then I want to be with him?
I know y'all talk about the roller coaster but I was hoping it'd get much better. Of course a few days ago my post was like "I don't miss him at all!", so maybe there is truth to that.
The key to dating is that, to be fair to a new partner, you have to be 100% sure you would never take your H back. If your H were to come crawling to you on his knees, begging forgiveness, and promising you the moon, would you take him back? If so, you're not ready to date someone else, because that's not fair to them.
If, on the other hand, you're completely sure that you would never want your ex back, I don' think there's a problem dating. But until your divorce is settled, you're likely to be very distracted.
I did date early after my ex left, but I had a long history of DBing him (he had cheated, we had reconciled and had a few good years, then he went off the rails again as he approached 50). So I felt like I had done everything and was truly done. Even so, the guy I started dating a few months after ex left lived an 11 hour drive away so I only saw him occasionally when I would drive up for a weekend - and that was good, it was an escape from what I was dealing with in the divorce, and it didn't distract me too much from what I had to get done. I've often thought it wouldn't have been good to have a local boyfriend at that time.
Do you still work with this colleague? That's the other thing to consider - if you're working with him and you date him, how will you feel if it doesn't work out? Is it worth risking losing the friendship? Is HE completely over his ex?
Really great points. It's why I haven't done the dating thing yet, especially with anyone I've worked with.
I like to think I'm at the place you were since it feels like this has dragged on forever too but you're probably right. I'm likely not, though I feel like I'm getting there. And nothing is worth losing this friendship over. He's amazing and I'm lucky to be friends with him. He's actually pretty far away. He seems over his ex but you never know.
Good points all around. Thank you as always for your wisdom.
He didn't try to hug me or make physical contact with me at all.
Not surprising based on what we know about the situation.
Originally Posted by Newborn
He seems completely chill with me spending time with other people, including other men (talked about going to a guy friend's place the other day).
Any chance you brought that up purposefully to test or get a rise out of him?
Nah, it was accidental. We were talking about a kid's movie that took place in a vacation spot I planned for us and I said how the movie took place there so it was good we visited prior to the movie. He asked when I'd seen it and I said with my colleague/his daughter since it was odd for me to watch it (I'm deliberately avoiding kids movies since I know the kiddo will make me watch them ad nauseum in no time! Better call Saul for the meanwhile)
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Newborn
I remember one time getting upset with how much effort he put into trips with them when he wouldn't for ours, and him saying "Well I'm willing to go with you places too." Another time he admitted "I would rather spend time with other people than you to be honest".
Maybe some of your LBS rose colored glasses coming off? Reminds me of Jason Segel in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" when he finds a new interest who treats him better and realizes Sarah only wanted him around to hold her purse and would completely ignore him at her premieres.
I think so. He's usually a really kind guy to everyone so the coldness toward me was super unusual and made me wonder why I'm such a horrible person to deserve that ire.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Newborn
I know I sound like a broken record but why wouldnt' you fight for custody at all for the son that you didn't want but you love?
No clue on the custody front. As a father I can't relate to that at all. But lock it in while you can. You can always relax it and give more time later if he comes around.
Oh yeah. Everything's filed. I don't want to cause pain, both for the baby and for him. I don't like hurting people so no matter what I wouldn't cut the baby off from his dad, so if STBX wants to see him, he can call and let me know. That being said if he becomes toxic for my little guy (flaking on visitation, abusive, whatever) I'm fine with cutting off contact. My little man comes first always.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Newborn
Why wouldn't you try to make a marriage work if there's love there?
His actions are pretty clear. He had a good afternoon spent with your baby, but has other priorities most of the time. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Good point. And no matter how crappy of a partner I may have been there's no excuse for not wanting to be a dad.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Newborn
It really may be best for me to just not hang out with the STBX at all anymore.
If you can be completely detached and spend time together with your child, that's fine, but easier said than done - most can't. Space helps with detachment.
Yeah, I don't want to hold myself back from completely moving on.
Well, I was called tonight by my colleague who doesn't live here anymore but maybe will come back one day. He moved right when I went on maternity leave. To be completely honest I'm kind of catching feelings for him - we would spend hours hanging out at work or on the phone when he worked here. When stbx did BD#2 he spent a ton of time with me and was super kind. He even met my family and told them how amazing of a doctor I was, and he sent really cute, thoughtful gifts for the baby. we talked about dating apps as I've been kind of meh about mine. He talked about how it's difficult for both of us to date since we're both super alike and weird and it's hard to fit our personalities with these generic dating apps (just as an example: one time we were both covering the hospital and he had the operator overhead page me as a prank, so I had the nurses overhead page HIM during a crazy weekend to pretend to send a bunch of fake hospital transfers with really filthy names. I'm glad we got along so well with all the RNs so nobody wrote us up for this stuff). STBX wouldn't find this stuff that funny.
To be honest he and I are waaaaaaaaaay more alike than STBX and I - if I get cranky about something, he does too and vice versa, and we run medical decisions by each other and are almost always on the same page and agree. We just think the same way in a way I've never connected with someone else. But I think it's too early as yall have said and I don't want to try to get involved with anyone especially as I'm trying to get past everything. Also I don't even know if he'd be interested in me - I did complain about the exMIL being super toxic and I'm like...whyy did I bring in negativity. I don't know.
I take inspiration from Traveler. I'm in the process of defining my new family and, like Traveler, feel proud that I'm newly "categorised" as a single Dad. I'm in the middle of an overseas trip with 2/3 of my kids, and it's totally awesome. Awesome because it's uninterrupted time with my older kids. Awesome because it's just me, no interreference, negotiating, or arguing. Awesome because conflict is very low. And yeah, it's different in how memories are formed, but they are great memories. Best of all, I only have to see my Bad Apple 15 minutes a day on Skype (Actually, it's to see my D1, I don't really talk to the Bad Apple .
I know the feeling, Newborn, wishing I could share my time with someone close. But therapy helps to understand the benefit of learning to spend time alone, and that waiting for the right person is more important then jumping too soon for the sake of not being alone. It's a different frame of mind. When I start to feel alone, I just remind myself I've been given a gift. A gift to reshape my relationship with my family, a gift to eventually someone who will be more fulfilling then ever before.
I was introduced as a single mom by my colleague. It was a little jarring, especially as so many of them were recently married or had young families. I'm sure all of you know the feeling: seeing everyone else have a happy family unit, cutesy family photos, hearing about family activities/vacations as you're stuck as a single parent without a partner.
When someone introduces me as a single parent, I feel like a badass--I'm one of the few dads who raised their kids, volunteered at school, and went on family vacations without help since my ex was incapable. Since the obstacle in this scenario are your feelings, I'd say Time and Therapy. Many people are resistant to Therapy, but it cuts on the Time that you'll feel this way. I'm 12 years post-divorce--you can have that happy family unit, cutesy family photos, and family activities! You just have to accept it will look different than you imagined since your ex turned out to be a bad apple. So instead of a bad apple bringing with you to all those places, it's going to be you and your child, or you and your BFF and both your kids, or you and a BF and both your kids. Wishing you a happy day.
Thank you!! And I've been in therapy - ex had told me I needed it, a job like mine is difficult in many ways, and it's been helpful. Appreciate the bad apple comparison. You're not wrong! Self blame keeps popping in though and keeps making me think I'm the bad apple and spoiled him who used to be.a great guy. But even if I was somehow the absolute worst spouse in the entire world it still doesn't excuse the things he would say or do or his approach to being a father.
Originally Posted by toughtimes180
I take inspiration from Traveler. I'm in the process of defining my new family and, like Traveler, feel proud that I'm newly "categorised" as a single Dad. I'm in the middle of an overseas trip with 2/3 of my kids, and it's totally awesome. Awesome because it's uninterrupted time with my older kids. Awesome because it's just me, no interreference, negotiating, or arguing. Awesome because conflict is very low. And yeah, it's different in how memories are formed, but they are great memories. Best of all, I only have to see my Bad Apple 15 minutes a day on Skype (Actually, it's to see my D1, I don't really talk to the Bad Apple .
I know the feeling, Newborn, wishing I could share my time with someone close. But therapy helps to understand the benefit of learning to spend time alone, and that waiting for the right person is more important then jumping too soon for the sake of not being alone. It's a different frame of mind. When I start to feel alone, I just remind myself I've been given a gift. A gift to reshape my relationship with my family, a gift to eventually someone who will be more fulfilling then ever before.
Hang in there, it does get better.
Thank you so much tough times. It's so nice to hear that you're having such a great vacation. You deserve it. I've always been pretty okay being alone in the past, I don't know why suddenly it feels so difficult to be. But I also acknowledge I don't want another relationship yet! Feels so weird. My bad Apple generally likes spending time with us and will stay for dinner and send me funny pictures or videos. Weird how much a person who says they don't want to spend time with you seems to like messaging you or spending time with you?!
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Newborn, I gave up worrying about how people describe me a long time ago. Completely out of my control, and it doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things. Anyone that bases how they view me based off of how someone else describes me isn't really worth my time and energy. Those that base how they view me based on my own words and actions are worthy my time and energy.
Likewise, I do not let what others say or how other describe someone as my basis for how I view that person. Lots of biases out there, and biases are almost never worthy of credence. I dated a girl from Brazil back in my early 20s. She was an awesome person, and the only reason we didn't stay together was that neither of us was willing to relocate to the others' home country permanently. I found out later that people actually asked my parents how they felt about my dating her. SMH We live in an ugly world. Just do you and forget about the minutiae!
You're so right. And I've been careful to surround myself with much better energy recently!
Then I looked around myself - my perfect cute bubbly happy baby, a beautiful cottage by the sea (just renting but hopefully I can rent indefinitely), a well respected job, amazing friends and family. What if this is my happily ever after? I realized I'm okay with that.
It's fantastic you're able to see that and be grateful today when you couldn't some weeks ago. Yes, not only will you not die, you sound well on your way to thriving. Happy Saturday!
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