Thats the previous thread. Thank you all for the advice. I need to work on doing things without expectations. LH you are right that was a piece of why I got divorced. Its very hard I am just starting to learn about myself with that. My family growing up was all about if they did something for you you had to do something in return. I even feel weird when a friend lets say gives me a drink. I feel like I need to give them one back very soon. I can't just take something out of the goodness of their heart. My parents ingrained that in me. I really have to do that. My parents would always say to my brothers and I, I did something for you (make food, wash our clothes, drive us somewhere) that we had to do something for them. This forum has helped me realize that way of thinking is toxic.
KML & Traveler date night is a great idea. Definitely need to do those. I think that will help a lot. I mentioned to her we need to do that at least once a month. I will plan something in the next weekend or so.
There was some gym questions. Wasn't one of the things this forum talks about is going to the gym when getting divorced. It took me a while to really get back into it but I am back into it. I go 4 days a week. The gym helps with my stress and anxiety. Some days with my anger too. Overall, It just makes me feel good. I switched to the morings because she was complaining about me going after work and that taking time away from her and the baby. So, I go early so I don't lose out on that time with them. I hate the mornings especially that early but I switched for her. Every 5 or 6 weeks I also take a full week off too.
I need help with something. I would love to hear everyone's suggestions for this. If I am not intimate with my partner for a while (a month or more) I start to become very angry. I start to feel like whats wrong with me, why is she not attracted to me, it just really bothers me. How do i cope with that anger? There are times i will try and initiate and get shot down. It would just feel nice to feel wanted once and a while. I know the anger comes out once and a while but i dont know what to do. Then I dont want to do anything for her. Please help me with this!!! I know this hurt my marriage too.
As far as that story I need to tell. i will tell soon. I just need a lot of time to write it. I am sure it will help with why some of these things are happening. Thanks everyone. This is unfortunately my only safe place to really speak how i feel.
One thing I have learned from here and listening to motivational speakers is, people are in charge of their own happiness.
Very true. Good lesson to learn.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
She needs to learn to find happiness on her own.
I cringe at the "she needs to..." statements. You can't control her or direct her; work on yourself and your own happiness.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
She will say things like, "I am your woman and you should make me feel like I am your woman." I would ask, "How do I make you feel like you are not my woman?"
Instead of asking a defensive question, what about validating and reflecting on how you can address her concerns. How would you make a woman feel you cherish her and want her?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
She is competing with my son and I am not sure why.
This is going to be a big problem if it doesn't change. You'll always have a son, and he needs to be a priority. Not the only priority, but a priority. Like you said, a balance. Reflect on whether you think it is balanced or if you think it's unbalanced in an unfair way to her. If it's the latter then take action to address it. If it's the former, and she's simply jealous of you having other kids, that's not something you can change and will continue to be an issue unless she changes her mindset. You have other children. That's a simple fact. In order for the two of you to work out as a couple, she'll need to accept that.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Last night I decided to schedule a date night. i had a babysitter come over (her best friend) and watch the baby. I made reservations for a nice restaurant and then go out after for a little bit. She has always told me she like when the man takes charge. So, thats what I did.
Well done! Keep it up. Sounds like a great way to address her concerns from above.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
she starts to talk about all the things I have done to hurt her, how she is emotionally scarred, basically everything is my fault. 2 things she brought up was, when she first got pregnant, I mentioned about getting an abortion. We were not in a good place and not prepared for the baby. Second, was when I called the cops on her.
First, despite the turn of conversation I'd recommend continuing the date nights and special ways to make her feel like she's your woman. I don't think one gesture or date night is going to turn things on a dime.
Second, did you try truly listen to her concerns and validation. The two items she brings up are (in fairness) pretty significant. Asking for an abortion and calling the police are major events. It's not being late 5 mins coming home from work. It may take her time to process those feelings. Are you listening and understanding and empathizing with her?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
She needs to move on, because if she doesn't, this is going to destroy our relationship.
Again, "she needs to..." Maybe it's nothing, but the way you say that makes me wonder.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I have apologized for those things many times, but she wont let go. i can't undo them.
I think it's going to take a lot of time for her to process those feelings and a lot of patience on your part.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
She said I have made her feel this way and she is just going to worry and focus on the baby. That really hurt!!! In my mind with that statement. I feel like now I am just a convenience.
I can understand why that would hurt. This almost sounds like a mini-BD. Are you DB'ing accordingly? Keep working on yourself and being a great dad, and learn how to attract her and make her feel like you want her to be your woman.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
She has a home, all the bills are paid, she doesn't have to work and that does not sit with me well.
Seems like we see this time and time again on this forum. For better or worse, being a good dad and provider is not good enough in relationships/marriages these days.
She has a home, all the bills are paid, she doesn't have to work and that does not sit with me well.
In all fairness, she IS working - she’s raising your child, and that’s the toughest job I ever did in my life (and I used to work 12 hour shifts at a busy urgent care center).
And if she is taking the GRE, she’s clearly planning for a future career.
She may or may not be able to forgive you for those things. This relationship may or may not work out. Are you speaking her love languages? Will she go to therapy with you?
I’m sorry this first date didn’t go the way you hoped. Maybe the next date night should be an activity, where the focus is less on talking? P
Here is a minor situation that came up yesterday. Let me all know what you think, I will outline my day and also what happened. This way it all comes together. I get up at 4:30am to get to the gym by 5am. I get home at 6am gf is in bed. I jump in the shower. Start to get ready, gf wakes up and starts to pump. Baby starts to wake up, I grab him and change his diaper. Out the door for work by 6:35. Work and get home at 12. Bay is napping when I get home. Gf has lunch ready for me. She tells me she is tired and going to take a nap. I eat my lunch then go and fix her ac (about 20 minutes). Then run to the store. Get home baby and gf are sleeping. Got to sit on the couch, 15 minutes baby is waking up, gf asks me to grab baby, I also change his diaper. She prepared his lunch I feed it to him. Just as I finish feed him. She says to me, “I guess I will clean his dishes since I am the only one that does that.” I didn’t say anything. Just so you all know I do it 50% of the time. So now I take the baby out and start playing with him in the play area. I do that for about a half an hour. I come back to where she was and she now looks annoyed. I ask everything ok? She said no, I am just a maid around here. So I asked how can I help? What would you like me to do? She said if you just helped and cleaned up. I said sure and starred to help straighten up the kitchen. And then I had to leave to pick up my son.
I feel very taken for granted. I don’t stop ever in the house. When I do she lets me know for sure. But if she is tired or overwhelmed, I tell her to relax or take a break or I got it. I don’t tell her what she is t doing. She tell me very often the things I am “not doing”. I feel like I do so much and help so much and she is getting g used to it, that when I am not going nonstop, she feels like I am not doing anything. Once again, I pay all the bills, including her car insurance and cell phone, I feed the baby when I am home, change diapers, help clean work 2 jobs, the. Have the nerve to make comments like that. I just don’t feel that is right. But I didn’t get defensive or try to explain what I do. Honestly, her first comment about if she doesn’t do it, it won’t get done caught me off guard, I didn’t know how to validate that, that’s why I just took the baby to another room. I feel just like with my ex, I try to help out and the more I do; the more they expect and the less they do. And the. Criticize me when I don’t do everything all the time. How would she feel if I worked a 9-5 job and didn’t get home until 6 everyday? Some days, honestly I just feel like I am going to collapse. But I am supposed to be the man and take on everything. I am not supposed to get tired, or sad, or mad. Just be happy and go all day and night I guess.
You're not a Martyr Wolf...So maybe stop acting that way.
No matter how crappy they are at the moment...
They are still YOUR decision that you made...
I would venture a guess that neither of you are too happy with yourself about the way you are handling things...
Have you ever sat down with her and calmly explained that....
When you say ______ I feel _____________
When you do __________I feel ________
??????
I would say that you BOTH are making excuses to treat each other poorly...
I think that you BOTH have expectations of what you each think this should be, and neither of you are either willing, or capable of verbalizing those expectations...and appreciating what the other is going through....
Unspoken expectations often lead to unresolvable resentments....
Let me give you an assignment here....
Sometime soon, walk up behind her and whisper in her ear....
Name one thing that you would like to have done today, that you totally hate doing, and I will do it , no questions asked....
