You really - REALLY - don't want to share a duplex with her when you're divorced.
I can only imagine the complications, hearing each other having sex with your new loves through the walls. Nope!
As for the marriage - sounds like you're done. And sounds like she never really was what you hoped for in a marriage. That being said - this may just be a case where the two of you aren't a fit. She has every right to be unsatisfied with a marginal sex life. You have every right to be unsatisfied with a relationship that feels so fraught that you're not very interested in sex with her. You each wanted the other to change.
With that in mind - what can you do to ensure this divorce is smooth and fair, not adversarial?
You really - REALLY - don't want to share a duplex with her when you're divorced.
No I do not want a duplex, and neither does W. It was more of a pragmatic investigation for wealth growth, but fortunately we don't have the finances. Emotionally, there is no way both of us could survive the build process, it's stressful enough in a healthy relationship.
Originally Posted by kml
As for the marriage - sounds like you're done. And sounds like she never really was what you hoped for in a marriage. That being said - this may just be a case where the two of you aren't a fit. She has every right to be unsatisfied with a marginal sex life. You have every right to be unsatisfied with a relationship that feels so fraught that you're not very interested in sex with her. You each wanted the other to change.
As each day goes, more and more I admit to myself the relationship is over, and that it really never started. There were issues showing from the dating days, before we moved in. And if she came crawling back, I know I'd say no. We both have crossed too many red lines.
I feel a bit more excited about the new possibilities, and the strong desire for a wholesome relationship. DB keeps the sanity during this transition, for sure.
Originally Posted by kml
With that in mind - what can you do to ensure this divorce is smooth and fair, not adversarial?
The divorce so far is going smooth, it's not adversarial. She, with passive aggressive comments, has respected my email boundary. And I have an L visit next week to see where I stand. I don't see W doing the due diligence required. Which is odd because to be legally binding, it must be presented and signed by L. I've thought about putting it back on her since she started it, but now I don't see any point in that. After L, I'll just end up asking her a few questions, and then present something.
Lol. I knew you weren’t done. Get her a mushy card telling her how much you lover lol. JK. Nah don’t get her anything. Anniversary’s are the celebration of marriage not divorce. Getting her a card IMO will make you look weak.
Take the kids to pick out a gift and card and have the kids sign it. No passive aggressive comments necessary.
Hmm, I wonder if I was too supportive of the divorce today, too positive and not detached. The real estate agent was pressuring her on a bad deal. I explained why we shouldn't sign, and we should get a second opinion from a known agent who is a shark. Should I have just said do whatever you think is right? Or demonstrate support for the divorce and our position as I did? Or as LH19 suggested, get it over quickly, and encourage her to sign.
I think today, in our conversation about the real estate agent, was too positive, like we were partners. Not detached.
Josh what I want you to do is make decisions on what is best for you and the kids. If it is smart to sell than sell. If it is best to get a second opinion than get a second agent. Don't encourage her to do anything.
I don’t agree. She is the mother of your children. Help the kids pick out a nice present for their mom. This is something you should do even when divorced. Let the card be from them. This is for the kids sake , not hers.
You've gotten a lot of great feedback by seasoned pros over the last few days so I won't go through each line point-by-point, but here are a few high-level recommendations from me:
Stop ALL emotional interactions with STBXW.
Deal with any divorce-related communications through email, NOT verbally.
Consult with a lawyer ASAP.
DO NOT sell the house in the next two weeks. Making the best decision is better than rushing into a permanent sale based on a perception of a market.
Forget any notion of keeping a nuclear family close post-D (duplex, renting in the same building, pop-ins in the morning...etc.).
Don't agree to anything less than 50/50 time with your children. I don't know Australia law - sounds like Kind18 has a good understanding - but don't cave here unless your L advises you have no choice.
Finally...you should really go back and read your thread history to gain some perspective on your relationship. In your recent threads you're back and forth as to whether you want to move out/D vs. wanting her back. Perhaps that's LBS bias of fear, no control, and losing out.
I haven't gotten a chance to read through your entire history yet, but what stood out to me most is even at the beginning of your first thread three years ago you said she had been telling you for 4 years she was planning her exit and things were bad almost immediately in your relationship from the time you two moved in together even before you were married:
Originally Posted by Josh_T, 6/11/2019
We've been together for 10 years, married for 9. I'm 44, she's 40. Kids 8 and 5 and both highly sensitive.
Originally Posted by Josh_T, 6/11/2019
I would have been neglectful to my wife probably from the point we moved in together. And the reason was that (and this is me looking back) she was and is emotionally abusive, what I refer to as tricks.
Originally Posted by Josh_T, 6/11/2019
Yes, she has been planning her exit. She told me as such. And about 4 years ago she started to say she will after any argument. A warning sign in hindsight but she always talks in extremes so I just ignored.
So you've now been together 13 years and married for 12, but she told you explicitly many times after arguments 7 years ago she's been planning her exit. That's more than half the duration of your relationship! Plus, you state things were bad (neglect and emotional abuse) from the start.
I'm pro-marriage and think a single-family nuclear household is best for kids, but in your situation both of you would need to make significant long-lasting changes for your marriage to work.
Honest reflection on the history of your relationship may help you detach, accept, and move forward in your current situation.
