Today has not been fabulous. My gut was of course right, as always. I got a call from my boss that I didn’t get the job. An hour later I had to log onto a staff meeting in which it was announced. My boss kindly offered me the position of the person who got the job. It’s a lateral move. Gee, thanks. Offer me the leftover position of the one who got the one I want. I declined it as I don’t like that position and the only perk is no weekends or holidays but they don’t bother me. So I don’t want it.
I can’t lie. I didn’t even really process it, and I had to listen to it on the meeting and I am kind of in tears . I am very fortunate to work with people who love me and respect me and provided me some comfort . It’s hard not be discouraged. I do believe I deserved it and would have been great at it. I did make a personal decision though. Before I even knew this job could possibly become available, I was everyone’s point person. Someone didn’t know what to do, they come to me, not the supervisor. Because I do know. And I explain well. Well, I’m done with that now. I will direct them to the manager. It sounds craPy and maybe I feel that way, but I do. And I’m only going to be flexible with my weekends when I can, and I’m not going to go out of my way to make them work. Hard work does not pay off sometimes, lol. I guess the plan is to work 2 jobs until I can leave here. I hate having to tell my daughter I didn’t get it who thought I was a shoo in. And she my ex and his wife.
The universe made this decision for a reason. And I know i badly want to move in 3 years. This likely would have stopped me.
In other news, I actually have a date second date tonight. Nice guy who just moved from TX. Unattached, adult daughter, chemistry , thoughtful. Hopefully this continues to move along in a positive direction.
I’m pretty down though, but I plan on turning myself around for this date tonight .
DV and Elbreth, thank you. Yes, E- I really did picture myself in that position. I was excited. I thought it was mine until I found out she interviewed. It still kind of stings, but I’m holding onto the bigger reason I didn’t get it. Maybe there will be a another new opportunity, but I think I’m meant to ride this one out until it’s time to move. I actually like what I do, I love my coworkers, my nursing unit the social worker I work with it. She’s a really close friend.
As far as “rebound guy” I don’t think that is so accurate. 4 months isn’t 4 weeks. So far we are having a blast getting to know eachother . We have long phone calls nearly every night, and he’s coming over tomorrow night, he’s going to cook me dinner and we are going to watch a movie. We are going to a concert together next Friday.
He is absolutely not avoidant. He has no problem talking about what he wants, expressing his feelings, etc. he’s employed, self sufficient, can go with the flow and deal well with change. We are on the same page about a lot of stuff and we just really have enjoyed our time together so far.
Something just feels…. Right. And comfortable and good. I’ve decided to go with it and embrace it while keeping my eyes wide open.
As for why I am “attracted” to any of these “broken” men. I will not call it a trauma bond, but I have lived a hard life from day one. I never had it easy, I’ve had it very challenging . My childhood wasn’t great, and because of that we all know how my early adulthood went . Chose a bad partner . That was when I was “broken” I know hardship and I can relate to others who have known hardship. It’s something in common. But I don’t consider myself broken. Texan is broken. It makes me very sad for him. But the guy who grew up with a great childhood and had everything easy makes it kind of hard for me to relate I guess. Or maybe I feel like they can’t relate to me. But there is a fine line between broken and those who knew hardship. I find that character can be developed from a hard life abs overcoming obstacles and coming out on top. That’s something that is very attractive tics to me and I can relate to.
So I hope that explains it a bit better. Do I entertain these “broken” men longer than I should? Yea. A part of me understands their pain.
My darling girl, I've known people who seemingly had idyllic childhoods. Everything you could want for your kids - great schools, strong family bonds, enough money to do absolutely anything they wanted, some from exceptionally well-connected families. Yet, those people still struggled. It's the human struggle G. What I'm saying is don't go by what's readily obvious. You might be surprised if you gave one of those guys a chance ... the two of you might relate on the really important things in an unexpected way. I'm thinking of one of my close friends right now - there's no way a second generation Italian kid from a blue collar family should have anything in common with someone from his background, yet we do, and those bonds are tighter than you could imagine. All I'm saying is keep your mind open.
Now there's also the not feeling comfortable in that world. I get it. My son's godfather comes from that world, and when we would vacation together as an extended family I had to overcome my own feelings of not being good enough because of my working class family background. Maybe that's something to think about for you too? I will say this - as i've lived more, gotten more 'seasoned' I've also become way more comfortable in my own skin. Everything that's happened to me, absolutely everything, has made me who I am today and I'm a freaking unicorn. Someone would be really lucky to have me in their life. I'm not boasting. I'm not saying I'm without faults - one look around my messier-than-I'd-like house will give me ample things to put myself down over, but the real core of me? That's not gold, it's titanium. I see that in you, which leads me here:
Originally Posted by DonH
You could have achieved the same outcome but without much of the pain, anxiety and drama had you gone slower and made him prove himself BEFORE he was given the prize of becoming your boyfriend. You gave him the prize and then allowed him to win it. Typically people have to win the game before getting the trophy. You chose to give him the trophy at the start of the game.
Baby girl, YOU ARE THE PRIZE! YOU ARE THE TROPHY! Believe that. Live that. You are NOT a "presentation trophy" for some guy who actually shows up. YOU ARE THE REAL DEAL Super G. Do you know what I always call you that, think of you as Super G? Because YOU are INCREDIBLE! I'm not blowing smoke up your comely @$$ or saying this because it's your birthday. I'm saying this because it's the truth.
Look at where you started out in your life. Look at what you've overcome. Look at what an absolutely OUTSTANDING job you've done as a mother.
You have more compassion and forgiveness than most people I've met in my lifetime put together. It shows in how you are with your Dad and stepmom, despite how your dad behaves at times. It shows in how you are with your exh and his wife. I'm in awe of you.
Look at how good you are at your job. Look at what esteem you're held in by your colleagues.
Take a good look at the you we all see.
Don't give her away as a participation trophy. You're worth much more than that.
Thanks for the birthday wishes! The day after my friends finally came in. They stayed here, we went out to dinner and I got lots and lots of cuddle time with the baby. He’s a 2 month old 10 pounder . So sweet and cute, even when he cries. I love to watch my friend and husband. They work so well together and love that baby so much. They did a few rounds of IVF and when they decided to take a break, they got pregnant on their own! The next day we went to our other friends and went to a really nice winery by her house. Rented a cabana and ate and drank some wine.
TodAy I am going to the gym and maybe going to a kind of “famous” Korean day spa we have here. There is a rooftop pool that over looks NYC. A day of relaxation! Back to the grind tomorrow
Aww, G, I'm sorry you didn't get the job, but this may have happened for a reason. I like your idea of referring people to the new manager - sounds like you've been doing too much and it IS their job, after all.
Here's hoping the second date goes well! I'm always a little worried that people who have "just moved to the area" in online dating may be hiding a wife somewhere back home, so do you due diligence in online snooping. Here's hoping he's all he seems to be and the chemistry continues to be good.
I would say they went twice as fast as a typical CW relationship.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Well, fast on his end, anyways. I was still skeptical, but trying to enjoy the ride. We did have fun together until the last week.
What was fun in the beginning?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I apparently can’t attract a healthy man.
Can't or aren't interested in healthy men?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Well, I also realized he has a drinking problem. Like, as you all know, I like to drink, but I am generally responsible . He was a 51 year old man who would just get hammered. I mean completely hammered. And when he does? Obnoxious and kind of racist. And to make matters worse when he got to that point? He would run away to a casino and gamble the money away he made that day.
I believe you saw this right away yet...............
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I ordered him an Uber and got him home. I was PISSEd! He promised he wouldn’t do that again . also, it was my mothers birthday. My mother who was an addict and took her own life. 2 days a year I allow feelings towards my mother . Her birthday and her death day. He knew this. But he was so self absorbed
It should have ended on Mother's day which was like 3 1/2 weeks ago.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Well, twice more in the week he did it. Not to the point he couldn’t get his car. But where he drank too much and was obnoxious.
So much for promises.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
He was supposed to go out with my work friends on Friday night but he was sick. And I was kind of thankful. He felt better the next day and said he was coming to spend the weekend. We, Saturday, he got totally bombed when we were out. He was completely embarrassing and appropriate . We got in a huge fight and he left .for the casino. I was livid.
I'll bet!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
He apologized profusely and I told him I won’t tolerate this anymore.
Ultimatum came way too late!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
He came over. No drinking and we went to the movies, but he slept through the whole thing.
Spit my coffee
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Then he calls me and I could hear the slur in his voice. I told him To run away to the casino as you usually do, because I am done. Guess what he did? Ran to the casino.
Well he's consistent
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I told him I am totally done as he was a liar and couldn’t keep a promise .he texted and called all night and I wouldn’t answer .
Good for you!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Yesterday he apologized. I told him I was done and that I hope he gets the help he needs because he has a serious problem.
A 51 year old war vet with PTSD and a drinking and gambling problem is NEVER going to change.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
He went on to apologize for what he did.
His words mean nothing.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I told him in my life I need someone I can feel safe and cherished with, and he really just made me feel anxious and worrimost of the time .he apologized again.
That's what every woman wants.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I simply wished him the best and that was it.
You did the right thing!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
And , well, that was it. I don’t miss him and I honestly feel relived.
I bet!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
The thought of having him around h friends this weekend gave me anxiety.
When it's right you will be excited to have a man meet your friends.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
It’s my birthday Friday and we were all supposed to hang out and go to a winery. I was literally afraid of what would happen if we drank too much. What am I sad for? Back to square one yet again.
I thought he wasn't invted to girls night out?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Sad that I cannot attract a healthy man.
You can. Healthy just isn't your number one priority.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
My past few options? An ex heroin addict, a guy with bipolar disorder. A pizza delivery guy on disability. And an alcoholic with PTSD and a gambling problem .
Yikes!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Look, I’m not the hottest woman alive. But I’m not awful on the eyes.
So are you saying you're avg?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I am a professional with a career.
This means mothing to a man.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
A good parent. Very responsible. Good friends and people genuinely like me and trust me .
This means nothing to a man.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
But I also know how to have lots of fun. I’m not the worst catch. I would think I can find a decent human.
You 100% can find a decent human being if you so choose.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
But no such luck . It’s awfully depressing . And on Friday I turn 21 for the second time but it isn’t getting any easier .it’s looking bleak.
It's getting harder because women have less options the older they get.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
But truth is, instead of the casino getaway we had planned tonight, I’m happier with my daughter and my daughter fans his wife watching the hockey game .my anxiety is gone .
Peacefulness is good.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I can spend time with friends without worrying he will be an arse.
I thought it was a girls night out?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I joined this new intense gym that I love. I have been going a lot and focusing on it. Found out I have above average muscle. And a little too I hope fat. But I’m working on it. I look forward to the gym when I can go.
This is the best part of your post!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I got a new mountain bike for my birthday and I’ve been planning local bike rides on some rail trails my life is full for the most part .
Awesome!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
It was just nice having a date. Someone to talk to at night .
Actually it sounded pretty horrible.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I do feel for him. Adopted. Only child. Both parents dead. 2 ex wives abs an ex GF who cheated . He’s alone in the world. Bit putting forth no effort to keep the people he cares about his life . On his drunken bender he said to me “ Why should I grow up? I’m 51 and have nothing “ I don’t need a child in my life or someone o have to worry about. Felt too much like my mom and my ex husband.
You didn't break him and you can't fix him.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I may always be single.
Maybe but highly unlikely.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I know this is my fault and I chose to trust too much.
You chose to ignore major red flags. That never ends well.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I was aware of the red flags, but I trusted. There is only so much you can do.
You can ignore reality but you can't ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
So , that it. Single again and probably forever . I tried and failed again. And I’m good. Focus is on me .
Just another guy in NJ you are not compatible with.
Originally Posted by Don
So few people left and even those who are post very little while others feel the need to block posters who force them to look at the truth.
So I noticed yesterday I have more "likes" than most if not all posters but I think I am blocked by at least 4 posters. Interesting.
Originally Posted by Don
In your case I was concerned that you had not posted at all about this new guy you. I was pretty sure that was because you didn’t want to hear what we’d have to say if you provided the truth. If it was going well it would only make sense you’d want to tell us how wonderful things were and how happy you were. The silence was deafening. Now I see why.
Don I had the boards back while she was silent. She chose to ignore me though lol. Them damn trees in the forest lol.
Originally Posted by Don
I give you huge compliments for being forthcoming and honest now. I know you feel bad. You deserve so much more. Why would you even let it go this long with the blinding red flags flying everywhere. This guy is clearly not worthy of you. He was showing who he is. It was clear. You knew it. You just didn’t want to.
I can't disagree with Don. You are lucky the damage was minimal. The guy seems really unstable and things could have been a lot worse. Onward and upward.
B-I read your post yesterday and again and again and it made me cry! Thank you for putting everything in perspective for me. It’s so hard for me because every year since my ex left I said “this year will be different, I wont be alone and I’ll have a family” it never happened. It was a tough bullet to bite getting married having a kid and divorcing before 30. Having everyone tell you all the time you’ll meet someone have more kids, a family, etc, and it never happening.
Far and away one of the most difficult parts of my D was losing my family. It's taken me what, 7 years since BD to start to have a different perspective on this: I DO have a family, it just looks a whole lot different than the one I thought I'd have at this age. I have my son, and I thank God every day that he's still here. I now have this amazing person in the form of his gf who is a pure delight. You know how much I miss my parents, but my cousins, especially those on my Mom's side, are nearby and I'm learning with each passing year how much they care about us. Is it the same? No. Do I miss my exh ... yeah, I do sometimes miss the guy he used to be, but he hasn't been that guy in well over a decade. But I have close friends who are family. At this point, they've been on this road with me for a really long time - my bff from HS, some since my early 20s. I'm talking the inner circle people - and I know you know what I mean because you have them too. So the family doesn't exactly look the way I pictured it, but the people who are here in our lives want to be here, and love us. This is a true gift, G. Embrace the unconventional family you have in the form of your closest friends.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
But I do look at the blessings in my life. A great kid. A career. Friends. My health. Maybe no money, but I have a roof over my head and food on the table and I work hard for the extras. I may not do to well in the area of romantic relationships and men choosing or attracting. But I guess not so bad in other areas.
A grateful heart is key.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
My birthday was kind of miserable. My friend missed her flight, then her second one got cancelled, and my other friend had her last day of quarantine of covid yesterday. So the people I was supposed to spend my birthday with couldn’t make it, therefore, I spent it alone. D stayed, because she was going to a show at the school with a friend. I went to the gym in the morning, ran some errands ( picked D up early from school because she whacked her head the night before and had a headache and no Tylenol) brought D to her thing and got a massage then watched the hockey game. I was just down in the dumps.
Is not-so-little G ok?
One of my oldest and dearest friends shares your bday. She too had a miserable day yesterday. I'm going to chalk it up to getting all the misery out in the first 24 hours so the rest of your collective birthday year(s) will be wonderful!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Texan did reach out the night before . He admitted to a problem. And he went to his first AA meeting yesterday. If anything comes out of us, maybe it’s recovery, but who knows if he is trying for the right reasons. Another guy from my past reached out to randomly, but not realizing it was birthday.
I'd say that it doesn't really matter why someone starts their journey to sobriety/recovery, just as long as they start it. Sooner or later they will realize that they are in fact now doing it for the right reasons, regardless of how they started, or they will relapse. That's the usual way that goes, from my observation.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Today will be a better day. My friend’s flight should be coming in at 2pm. Hopefully. They are staying here tonight, hopefully tomorrow we will go to our other friend and the winery.
Thanks for all the support and birthday wishes
Only one way to go from a miserable day and that's up. You always have my support G. xoxoxo enjoy your time with the gals xoxoxo
